Parenting a gay child? Need input from you'all

[lorijds]

I hoping for some input here for those of you who recognized fairly clearly that you were gay when you were young.

My 12 year old has just told me she thinks she is a lesbian. That she has had a crush on a girl in her class all year, and now she knows that the girl likes her, too.

Okay, fine. I did tell her having one crush on one girl does not make her a lesbian; but if she only had crushes on girls over the next couple of years then, yeah, that probably would put her in that category. I also said that lots of people have crushes on both boys and girls, and that not many people are 100% purely homo or hetero, that we all kind of fall on a continuum, some more toward the extremes than others.

I made a point to tell her that we'd love and support her no matter who she had a crush on or ultimately ends up with. We aren't religious and neither are any of our friends (so there isn't any overriding moral authority conflicting with anything); we have a couple of gay guys who are pretty close friends of ours, so she has a bit of role modeling as far as a same sex couple goes; and while we live in the midwest, we also live in a very liberal town. So it's probably the best place in the state to grow up gay.

I do question how deep her feelings are, but I didn't share that thought with her. She really, really identifies with "Willow" from "Buffy the Vampire Slayer." We just this year started netflixing it, and she now has her hair done similarly to her, she wears similar clothes, she started reading about the Wiccan religion and practicing it to a degree, and now she says she is maybe a lesbian (with a crush on a girl who, coincidentally or not, is also a Buffy the Vampire Slayer fan).

I have a couple of theories on that: one is that she is just copying Willow and doesn't really think she is a lesbian. Two, that she is having feelings for this girl, and the character of Willow has given her a kind of template and role model for her to be able to express them. Three, it has nothing to do with Willow, and she just feels this way.

Regardless, she has asked me not to tell anyone. So right now I haven't told my dh (who could care less if she were gay or straight). But I'm not sure how to support her, other than just continue to be her mom, who loves her and cares for her.

I am wondering, though, for those of you who felt you were gay at a young age, if you could share anything that your family did for you (or should have done for you) that just in general made you feel safe and loved and accepted. I kind of think that teenyears are so hard that it really doesn't change how you parent much, if your kids are gay or straight or somewhere in between, because kids on all points of the spectrum need that love and support. But, even if her feelings are a passing phase, I want her to a) feel that it is okay to share her feelings with me and her father b) have her feelings respected and validated c) help her develop a healthy idea of sex and loving relationships, be they with males or females.

Which comes, incidentally, to another questions--do I still allow sleep overs with this girl? If she had a crush on a boy, I don't think I'd let her have a sleep over with him....so how does a parent handle that? It hasn't come up yet, and my plan was just to ask her what *she* thinks I should do, to tell her my conflicting feelings and see what she says. Shes a pretty cool, level headed, reasonable, mature kid for her age, and she could handle a conversation like that, I think. But I'm the parent, I feel like I should have at least a clue about how to handle this!

So anyway, all input is appreciated!

Thanks!

[frog]

I came out at 15, but didn't act on anything until I moved away from home, so I have no advice, but wanted to say that it sounds to me like you're doing an amazing job with your daughter. You rock!

[JustKiya]

I totally second frog's comments that you rock!! So far, it sounds like you are doing everything perfectly.

I have a friend, who came out to her parents in high school, and they still allowed her to have her girlfriend over at the house. Their attitude was - we know that she's sexually active, and at least she's not running a risk of getting pregnant, and we've educated her about STD's, and we want her to feel like our house is a safe place for her to - do her thing, I suppose.

I suppose a question for you would be - why WOULDN'T you want her friend to have a sleepover? Do you think they will have sex? Do you think your daughter is not ready for sex?

I too, didn't come out til I was in college, so - no help here....but really, I think you are doing grand, thus far.

[PixelDust]

It sounds like you're doing the right things! I'm happy for your daughter that she has someone so cool to help her figure this stuff out. I definitely don't think 12 is too young to know; kids today are so much more knowledgeable than we were. They have a much stronger sense of what their options are, you know? Not that sexual orientation is an option you choose, but young people do have to choose whether to come out, date opposite-sex partners and try to stay in the closet, et cetera...

The sleepover thing is hard, I think. On the one hand, you want to set appropriate boundaries and try to help your kids learn about sexuality in a healthy way; on the other hand, with gays and lesbians, there's no built-in assumption about which friends represent romantic or sexual possibility, so it's harder to make rules about which sleepovers are okay. With a straight teen, you could say "no opposite-sex sleepovers" and feel pretty certain you were setting a meaningful boundary, but lesbian teens are likely to have mostly female friends, so a "no girl-girl sleepovers" rule is really a "no sleepovers" rule. It's kind of complicated and something I've wondered about, too.

[november21]

Good For You

I just wanted to say WHAT A WONDERFUL MOTHER YOU ARE. What you are doing is AWSOME!
Good job !

[wemoon]

I've been doing a lot of research on LGBT adolescents as part of my degree for college and most definitely she can know at 12 that she is a lesbian. The TV show may just have given her the OK to say so. Positive role models, whether they are real or on television, are a necessity with LGBT youth. Many do not get the positive outlook.

I think that you are doing what you can. Just continue to be open and there for your daughter. There is no rulebook on how to deal with all of this, but I feel as long as you are sensitive to her and her needs then you will be fine.

I don't know about the sleepover issue. You will need to think about how you feel about it and discuss it with your DD. I'm much more likely to say that if you are dating someone, then no they can't sleepover... but I'm not to that point in life yet, so I really don't know what I would do.

[wytchywoman]

I'm bisexual, and came out in my late twenties ( to friends and partners, not my family) even though I knew as a teen I liked both genders. I came from a very oppressive, rigid, conservative family who still to this day refers to gay people in very rude and derogatory ways so I just wanted to let you know that simply by you and your DH not being biased or bigoted, you are granting your daughter a very beautiful gift. I think you are doing a great job handling it so far, the only advice I could recommend is simply to give her the space she needs to get it all figured out. Being gay in america is very confusing at best and time and support are the best things to receive. As for the sleep overs, I would discuss your concerns with your daughter. If you feel she is too young to have sex, tell her that is your worry and you are afraid she will engage in behavior that she is not old enough to experience yet. Perhaps she can put your fears at ease, it sounds like you guys communicate really well. I would continue that and just have a frank conversation about why you are concerned with the sleep overs. good luck and keep up the good work, you are a great mom!!!!

Namaste,

Michelle

[gamitzer]

Wow, lorijds! You are definitely being a great mom in this situation. I didn't come out until college, so I can't speak from experience about being out at a young age. I did have feelings in middle school toward other girls, but I had no idea that it was meaningful in any way. I thought I was just really into something they owned or did, not that I was into them romantically.
Something important to keep in mind if you have other kids is that you will have to treat everyone fairly, especially in regards to dating. So if you knowingly let your daughter have her friend spend the night, you may have to deal with that later with your other kids.
An aspect of the situation that is hard to predict is exactly what will happen with your daughter and her friend if the friend is allowed to stay over. At age 12, I was not at all interested in doing anything more than kissing. I've heard that kids today are more experienced at a younger age, so I may be totally off. At that age, I was very interested in knowing about sexual activity, but didn't really want to take part in any myself. I think that if you treat your daughter and her friend as a romantic relationship, you can probably assume they will act responsibly. I think it's more problematic to turn a blind eye to situations like that because kids will think it's either unspeakable or wrong and may think, well, I'm already doing something bad, who cares how far it goes?
Treating your daughter with love and respect, which you are already doing, is the best thing.

[MujerMamaMismo]

If only all parents could be as considered as you. I think everyone has given really reasonable, useful advice. I agree that it's entirely possible that she could know at 12. Is she generally wise and intuitive? If I'd really had it presented to me as an option when I was her age (like she has with buffy) I think I would have known. In hindsight I had crushes on girls when I was that age but I was just a bit too clueless to realise!

You mentioned the word phase in your OP and while I completely understand exactly where you were coming from, please don't use it with your daughter - or anyone who comes out to you - so many of us have been invalidated and told it's 'just a phase' and it can be really damaging. It may be a phase, but right here, right now, it's real and important. Do you know what I mean?

I agree too with talking to her about sex and sleepovers and measuring her feelings about it. My intuition would be to allow sleepovers and feel safe that if they were to do anything, it would be in a safe environment. I agree though that you need to be careful about double standards with other children though...

Good luck and please keep us posted.

[AmyY]

Bless you for being a supportive mom. As someone else has said there is no rulebook, but support is key. It really helps to have someone willing to process all the teen stuff with you, someone who supports you know matter who you are and who you love. Then you get to figure it out in your teens instead of your forties like - err - some of us. Believe me it's gotta be easier at 12 than at 40. ( Did I just come out to MDC? )

[TheGirls]

It is possible she could know at this age, but it is also possible that she could be mistaking a fairly typical crush for a sexual orientation. Luckily, she has a supportive family who'll be there for her while she figures it out! Regardless, I think that just being her mom, loving, and caring for her are by far the most important things you can do. If she's just letting you know, and seems ok with it (at least as ok as any 12 year old is with all this new sexual stuff), then I'd just leave it at that. If she has having a hard time dealing with the idea of being gay, maybe you could suggest she talk to one of those gay guys, or see if you can find a group for lgbt kids/teens. When she starts dating, I just wouldn't make a big deal one way or the other about the gender of the people she dates.

Personally I don't think I'd worry about the sleepovers, but then, I have reason to suspect that a fair number of straight girls do some experimental fooling around at slumber parties, too, so I don't see that as a particularly "gay" issue.

[mama2rey]

I just wanted to say that you are doing a great job. It's wonderful that you are allowing her to explore her identity and get to know who she is.

As far as sleepovers go...... It's hard. I work as a therapist and recently had a mom bring this issue to me. She decided that she was going to take everything on a case by case basis. Her 14 year old daughter's girlfriend was not allowed to sleep over and they had a talk about why, and about why the daughter was not ready for sex. However they have a very good and strong relationship and the daughter is very open about who she is dating etc....

Good luck!

[lorijds]

Thank you everyone for your support, suggestions, and advice. I really appreciate it.

I feel badly, because for the past couple of weeks and until mid May I am committed to 75 hours a week of school and work. So I feel I can't spend the time with her that I want to right now, to talk about this a bit more. But I suppose it gives us both time to think about it right now. Me, I tend to stick my foot in my mouth on a regular basis, so this is probably a good thing.

I am a little frustrated that I can't tell my husband. He's my best friend and her father, and a very loving, involved father. He's also a high school teacher, and does such a better job than I do with teenagers. I dont' like not being able to tell him. Mainly because he would be so supportive of her. Until she and I can talk about it, I'll just have to keep it to myself.

I appreciate all the ideas and thoughts. She really is a great kid, and I'm glad she felt comfortable telling me this. I'm treading on new territory anyhow (this is her first crush on ANYONE), and I'm kind of in the dark as to how to go about the teenage years.

So, again, thank you, everyone.

[Aliviasmom]

Originally Posted by lorijds

But I'm not sure how to support her, other than just continue to be her mom, who loves her and cares for her.

Exactly that.

I grew up in a pretty religious family. And gays were not okay. Women turned me on, but so did guys. I didn't realize that there was such a thing as "bisexual" until my late teens. When I finally said something to my boyfriend, it was like this HUGE weight was lifted off of me. It felt RIGHT. And deep down, I knew it allllll along. I mean, do straight girls steal the JC Penny catalog to look at lingerie ads when they are like 5?!

When I told my mom, the first thing she said was "You're disgusting!" : Then she asked "With who?" I told her no one at the time, and she acted like that meant I wasn't bi. : So because she was single, does that mean she's not straight?!

I fought and fought and FOUGHT with my family about it, but it turns out, it just works better when we ignore it. I have a straight female friend that we say "I love you" and hug a lot and such. Anytime my mom sees it though, she shoots me a dirty look!

[DBassett]

Hi, I just found my way over here. I hope you don't mind me jumping in but I've got some thoughts on this

Originally Posted by MujerMamaMismo

You mentioned the word phase in your OP and while I completely understand exactly where you were coming from, please don't use it with your daughter - or anyone who comes out to you - so many of us have been invalidated and told it's 'just a phase' and it can be really damaging. It may be a phase, but right here, right now, it's real and important. Do you know what I mean?

ITA with this- my dad told me that I was just going through a phase and it really messed with me and made me question everything I felt.

Originally Posted by Aliviasmom

I mean, do straight girls steal the JC Penny catalog to look at lingerie ads when they are like 5?!

I did this too!! Hah! Now I feel a ton better knowing that someone else in the world did that too

When I was about 11 or 12, I realized that I'm bi. I had pretty much always been attracted to both sexes but that's when it really clicked kwim? At first, I felt ashamed and like there was something wrong with me. Then, I just accepted it. I wanted to shout it from the rooftops but I didn't because of the way the kids around me in school acted. My mom had said (not realizing that I'm bi) that I could bring home a black guy, a white guy, a purple guy (crazy yes but her point was she didn't care what color the guy was) and of any religion and she'd be right there to support me, but if I ever brought a girl home, she'd throw me out. Because of that comment, I've never told her. She has gay and bi friends so I'm furious with her for being so hypocritical.

When I was 14, I told my dad. My parents were separated so I felt safe confiding in him. He told me that it was a phase and that I couldn't possibly know at that age. He implied that when I got older, I'd realize I was wrong. He has since then forgot that I even told him so as far as I'm concerned, he doesn't know.

My family isn't very open minded to these things and neither is DBF's family. DBF's family is VERY close minded and I'd receive constant nagging so I haven't told them. I'm not ashamed or embarrassed, I just don't want to deal with rude people kwim? All my friends know and that's what matters to me.

Anyway, I think you're doing an awesome job the way it is and she's very lucky to have a mom like you. Just continue to show her you love her and I'm sure everything will turn out just fine. Again, she's really lucky to have you.

Oh, as for Willow, I'm a huge Buffy fan and I can really relate to Willow. There's probably a good chance that she's not mimicing but that the character has made her feel more comfortable about her sexuality. The way the character is written is just amazing (IMO) and she does a great job making it (being gay) seem like a completely normal thing instead of alienating it.

As for the sleep overs, I'd go on a case by case basis. I slept at plenty of female friends houses but never even had urges because they're straight ya know? My parents probably wouldn't have let me sleep over at ANY girls house or have ANY girls at my house bc they're like that but really, I think a case by case basis is the best course of action.

[duckling]

Many kudos for being a great parent!

I came out at 14, and I wish my parents had sought advice in the way you are. I don't have much to contribute to the conversation that hasn't been said, but I had to post to tell you that you rock.

If you want info from someone who came out as a "baby queer," feel free to PM me. I have no shame, so I'll answer anything.

[mamimapster]

I also came out at 13 to myself/14 to a close circle of school friends(being "bi" was cool/accepted in my very progressive circle of lefty/punk friends)- I wish I could have come out to my parents then, what heartache it would have solved. I was living in an unsafe/abusive situation however, and It would have been dangerous for me to do so at the time. I ended up with a wonderful foster mom in the end though-I actually have both bio parents, and two Moms as well. Your Dd is very lucky to have you-and soon your Dh, give her time though. I was a *very* mature 12 year old(freshman in HS), but I still wasn't totally sure about what the rest of my life was going to look like, and this being the mid 80's things were very different as far as visibility for GLBT teens, and my only knowlege of other gay kids coming out to their parents were rumors of Gay Kids getting comitted to psych wards by their parents.

As to the sleepover thing, I would agree as to the case by case basis. If it were me and I was the one coming out, the no-sleepover thing would feel like being punished for trusting my parent enough to come out to them.This is TOTALLY not where I think you are! I did come out to my parents in the end (at 19,hadn't lived with them for over three years, it was still messy).

[lexbeach]

It sounds like you're response has been really great so far!

I came out when I was 14 (or 15? I forget!), and my parents were really pretty cool about it, and it was still REALLY hard. I went to a cool artsy high school, there were a handful of kids who were out, and it was STILL really hard. I think the hardest thing for me was that I didn't know that there was a huge gay and lesbian community out there, or how easy it would still be for me to get married, have kids, etc. I was (an am) a big reader, so for me the best thing was reading books about lesbians. It helped to normalize it for me. I don't know if it's something your dd would like, but I absolutely loved reading the "Dykes To Watch Out For" comic books (do a search on Amazon). They're quite fabulous, nothing too explicit or inappropriate, great political info. too!

I would absolutely allow sleepovers, and I don't think it's the same as an opposite sex teen couple having sleepovers at all. There's much less to worry about in regards to STDs, there's no risk of pregnancy, and I think there's a MUCH smaller risk of anyone feeling pressured to do something that they don't really want to do. My parents always let my girlfriends sleepover, and it would have felt really weird to me if they hadn't. They also let my boyfriend sleep over when I was 14 (before I came out my best friend was my boyfriend for a couple of months) a few times. We never had sex--granted I was gay and I absolutely had no interest in having sex with my boyfriend--but knowing that my parents trusted me to make good decisions meant so much to me. At my boyfriend's house, we had to leave the door to his bedroom open at all times, and so we'd always be sneaking around his parents.

HTH! And congrats on having created such a great relationship with your daughter that she would feel comfortable coming to you with this at such a young age!

Lex

[ErikaLeigh]

It sounds like you are doing GREAT!!!

My mother was not supportive at all and told me that I was crazy. She didn't think I was gay at all when I came out at 14.

You are GREAT! Just remember to be supportive and open in everything!

It's obvious that you are doing something right that she wasn't scared to tell you at 12!

[NaturallyKait]

Wow, you're an awesome mom! Other people have answered you really well, I just wanted to add a couple things. I'm 19 now, I came out to my parents when I was 17, and it ended up bad. Very bad. Just being there and supporting her is a big thing, it will help her a lot. My parents thought I was disgusting and that hurt me a lot. Also, I agree with PP who cautioned to avoid the word "phase". My mother still uses it with me and every time she says that it's just a phase it still angers me a bit. Not only does it seem like she doesn't believe me and thinks that I'm just doing it for attention, but it's like her saying that I've got no idea what being bisexual really is (Which she has said a few times also.). As for the sleepovers, I wouldn't really worry about it. Even today my mother get upset if I sleep in the same room as a girl. Last year I had a friend over for the night and not only did she fight with me beforehand, but she accused me of only wanting her over for sex, when she was simply my best friend. Ending sleepovers with all girls would just make her feel even more different. It's up to you if you want to allow sleepovers with her girlfriends, but I'd have a conversation with her when she's a bit older about that.

I just want to say one more time, good for you for being so supportive. That's the first step in helping her out more than you can ever imagine.