Parenting a gay child? Need input from you'all - Page 2

[Paigerina]

You sound like a thoughtful and sensitive mom/person, which is admirable.

I had crushes on girls in childhood but didn't identify as bisexual until I was seventeen. At that time, I came out to a friend. I didn't have to come out to anyone else because she told everyone, which I knew she would. This was fine by me, otherwise I wouldn't have told her.

I didn't come out to my mom until recently when I started dating a girl. She didn't have much of a reaction, but she did say she had suspected. I was disappointed she didn't reassure me it made no difference to her. I think she took for granted that I know she loves me no matter what. I do, but I would have liked to hear it.

I have never talked to my dad about who I'm dating, have dated or am interested in dating, but I assume my mom has clued him in, and I haven't made an effort to keep it from him.

I was an insatiable fan of several lesbian/bisexual TV/movie characters in high school. The reason for this was a) attractive lesbian/bisexual women were exciting and fresh b) I identified with them and c) all the lesbian/bisexual women I knew of were TV/movie characters save one.

The point is, I was fanatically obsessed with lesbian/bisexual TV/movie characters because I was interested in girls. I wasn't interested in girls because I was fanatically obsessed with a lesbian/bisexual TV/movie character.

I, too, wonder what you want to prevent from happening that you're considering not allowing your daughter to have sleepovers with a girlfriend or a girl she might potentially be interested in.

I would assume your daughter knows better than anyone what she is ready for. As far as sex is concerned, aside from the possibility of pregnancy (clearly not a factor in this case) or contracting an STD, what is it anyone is afraid pre-teens/teens aren't ready for?

Sometimes people get in over their heads in relationships, but I don't think this is necessarily something you should try to prevent from happening, or can prevent from happening.

Even if a parent doesn't allow a pre-teen/teen to have his/her gf/bf sleep over, there will still be opportunities for them to have sex if that is what they want, so contracting an STD is still a possibility.

But when people are pressured to have sex before they really want to, I would guess it doesn't usually take place in their homes when their parents are there.

As long as the person you're allowing to sleep over is someone you know and trust, I don't see why it matters whether anything romantic/sexual might come of it.

That said, it sounds like you're a level-headed person with your heart in the right place. The fact your daughter was comfortable enough to come out to you says a lot about you in the best way.

[lorijds]

I appreciate your continued advice and insight into this.

Thanks for the comic book recommendation! My kids like graphic novels, so this is going to be perfect. I also really appreciate the comment from whomever said that they didn't know about the long term possibilites for gays and support available. I guess until I read that I assumed that she would know more than she does; but I'm going to have to look around and see what is available to her here in Lawrence. Our gay friends just celebrated their 10th anniversary, so she obviously knows that long term relationships are a possibility. Our city just passed an ordinance establishing a same sex registery, and I always take the kids to vote with me and explain why I'm voting for what, so we had a brief discussion about the benefits of allowing people to register as a couple (insurance, etc). So at least this is in the back of her mind somewhere. But I guess we try to pound other things into their heads, and I appreciate the reminder to be extra aware of any gay/lesbian/bi support groups, publications, literature, performers, etc that are available in our town.

I talked to her the other day, she had a new necklace on that she wears all the time and I asked her if it was from K. It was, and it was a nice short transition into talking about their relationship. She told me that all of her friends know and are supportive. So I told her that I wanted to be able to tell her father, and she eventually agreed. I told him, and his reaction was exactly how I expected; not a big deal. I haven't actually been able to tell her yet that I told him, but I'm hoping for that opportunity soon. I am so much more comfortable now that I have told him; we very much parent as partners, and I didn't like the idea of dealing with this on my own, without the ability to bounce this off of my best friend. Just him knowing has made me more comfortable with the entire situation.

I totally understand about the use of the word "phase;" in the wrong syntax it sounds completely disrespectful and dismissive, and I wouldn't ever use that with her.

The sleep over thing, I still haven't figured out completely. She went to a sleep over at a friends house and this girl was also going to be there, and so I just told her I was having problems with that; that if there was a boy she liked, and he liked her back, and they called each other their boyfried/girlfriend, I wouldn't allow a sleep over. I tried to emphasize that it's not that I don't trust her, but that as a parent I feel that certain boundaries need to be established, and I personally feel that 12 is too young to have a sleepover with your love interest. So, I said something like "Do you understand my dilemma and what do you think I should do?" Her initial response was "OMG mom, you are thinking about this way too much and taking this parenting thing way too far!" So I said again, "Do you understand where I am coming from?" and she said yes, and she reassured me that "nothing will happen that wouldn't happen at any other sleep over with any of my friends." So I told her that that was exactly what I was looking for, some awareness of my thought process and some understanding and honesty from her. I still dont' know what I will do if she asks to have K spend the night, but we'll take it on a step by step basis.

I must say, I have always thought of myself as very progressive and liberal, and yet this has thrown me for a bit of a loop and made me rethink how I raise my kids. We've never been negative about gays or lesbians; when 12 yo dd was littler, she and her best friend would talk about getting married, and we would always joke with them, "Well, you're in the only town in the state where this would be totally cool! Good thing we're raising you here!" But we always just instinctually (or habitually?) assumed that the girls are straight, you know? For example, whenever we talked about "When you get married some day" usually we would refer to a husband. Things like that. I've been trying to say now something like "your partner" or "whomever you marry" instead, and I heard dh say the same thing the other day. But this entire situation has made me recognize what my mental vision for my daughters' future was, and how I was unconsciously raising them with that mental vision in mind. So I'm glad this is making me more aware of this, as well as other situations and behaviors we might be unconsciously pushing upon them.

Anyhow, sorry about the ramble, thanks for listening and as always for your input and advice. I really do appreciate it.

One other thing, and good books, movies, and/or magazine recommendations for her and us? Not only, for example, movies that have a gay character as a main rolemodel, but ones (like the Buffy the Vampire Slayer series) that simply have positive characters who also happen to be gay. That their being gay isn't the entire story, you know what I mean?

[MujerMamaMismo]

Originally Posted by lorijds

One other thing, and good books, movies, and/or magazine recommendations for her and us? Not only, for example, movies that have a gay character as a main rolemodel, but ones (like the Buffy the Vampire Slayer series) that simply have positive characters who also happen to be gay. That their being gay isn't the entire story, you know what I mean?

I hear what you're saying about looking for books/films where the characters are GLBTI but that's not the central plot 'issue.' I wish there were lots of recommendations I could make but the reality is that there really isn't much around. Homophobia and forging identity seems to be the most common theme which I think is important - particularly for young people who are coming out but I do think interesting and positive representations of 'regular' LGBTI folk is essential too.

Are you pretty liberal with the films you allow your daughter to watch?

I'll have a think and get back to you.

[DBassett]

Well my dad, without knowing, told me that he's borderline homophobic the other night. I just about burst into tears. It made me realize again just why it is I'm keeping this from them

Again I say, your DD is very lucky to have you.

[angie7]

I just wanted to say that I think it is amazing that your daughter, at only 12, felt comfortable enough to come to you with that. That says alot about the type of person you are. And I think it is wonderful that you are so accepting of it, even if it might be a phase.

I cant help you with any experience, my girls are only 15 months old and I dont care one way or another, as long as they are healthy, and happy in life.

Just wanted to send out a kudos to you!

[GinaRae]

Wow! What a great mama. If only mine were like that, I might have faced my feelings and known well before my twenties. I didn't realize (or admit it) until after the birth of my first son (nearly 12 years ago).

I once told my mother I wasn't Christian and she seemed to take it so well that I said, "Gee, If I had known you would be so supportive, I'd have told you I was bisexual!"

She said, "I don't care, I don't have to sleep with you."

But then over the next few years we really battled with her interference in my kids' lives. I had to stop her from forcing them to pray on nights they stayed with her and from giving them Christian workbooks and what-not. It really caused a major rift with us.

She eventually "came clean" and told me that I was robbing my kids of a good life and that without Christianity they would have no direction. This was a direct hypocracy from how I was raised...

Anyway, it's a good thing I never actually told her I am bisexual. I mean Bisexual, non-Christian AND having a homebirth? She might have to call CPS!

ANYWHOO, we already talk with our kids about gay, straight and bisexual. They see our friends who are gay and they know of their friends' parents who are transgender. We don't keep them from girly toys or pink things and I always marry a woman when we play Life and give them the option of man or woman.

Who knows when or if THEY will know that I am bisexual because at this point in life it would be hard for me to "come out" to the whole world. My hubby knows, and that's what matters.

However, they will always have an open door to tell us and they already talk freely and question everything. Like your 12 year old, I assume many many more children with open parents are finally able to come forward earlier and are finally able to identify their feelings earlier. So I really don't think it's a phase. I think it's just good parenting and a little girl who is self-aware!