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son gone over a week - Page 2

post #21 of 71
Thread Starter 
I am a little surprised by all the "make him come home" comments. I guess I just live in a little bit of a different world. I personally left home at 13, so for me it is sort of "normal" to be out and about for days on in at his age. Really I am not trying to defend it either. I would like for him to come home. But what I don't want is to create a situation where he is home resentfully. What will that accomplish?
As far as the worry about him having sex? I am concerned about that. I don't know this family well, (have never actually met them in person) so I don't know how carefully these kids are being watched. I was 13 when I had my first "experience" as was my dd. hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Well he is coming home tonight I guess we will be having some conversations tonight
post #22 of 71
"My kid has gone to live with another family for a couple of weeks, and I've never met this family, but we are unschoolers so it's ok".

Rock on.
post #23 of 71
I was kind of seeing the conundrum until Cherie mentioned not ever having met the family.

Seriously, I think that having a set of rules, not necessarily for your son, but for you, would be in order.

Just because your 14 year old strikes you as mature doesn't mean it's appropriate for him to be thrust in situations where he has to be mature. He's still just a kid.
post #24 of 71
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cherie2 View Post
So my 14 year old ds made a new friend ... who apparently has a cute sister ... anyway he has been at their house for over a week now. I want him to come home .. and every day he says he is going to and the asks to stay one more night. He is unschooled and has no real "commitments" to speak of that he needs to be home for. But I miss him and want him to come home. Next time he asks to stay another night I just want to tell him "NO". But I have no justification..
You have justification............You like being around your child. I would tell him no but his friend is more than welcome to stay at yours.
post #25 of 71
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cherie2 View Post
I am a little surprised by all the "make him come home" comments. I guess I just live in a little bit of a different world. I personally left home at 13, so for me it is sort of "normal" to be out and about for days on in at his age. Really I am not trying to defend it either. I would like for him to come home. But what I don't want is to create a situation where he is home resentfully. What will that accomplish?
As far as the worry about him having sex? I am concerned about that. I don't know this family well, (have never actually met them in person) so I don't know how carefully these kids are being watched. I was 13 when I had my first "experience" as was my dd. hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Well he is coming home tonight I guess we will be having some conversations tonight
You have no idea about the family he is with, you don't want a 14 year old home resentfully, you have no idea how carefully the kids are being watched...are you prepared to have your 14 year old become a father????? these are you CHILDREN, they are still CHILDREN!!!! They belong at home with you!
post #26 of 71
In all honesty, the area and community that Cheri lives in is not one that is judgemental about this. There are more unschoolers, homeschoolers, and life leaders in our community than you could ever imagine. (think Ken Kesey and the merry pranksters) Children, all children here are part of the greater family. It is one of the main reasons I moved back home. I am just as likely to have my neighbor's children for dinner as they are to have mine. I do the neighbor's basic yard work, they would bake an extra dozen cookies for my house. You really would have to live in this community to truly understand.

I really don't think anyone has a right to judge. She is the parent, and while she might have been looking for some suggestions on how to get her son home in positive way, she was not looking for someone to damn her parenting.
post #27 of 71

The teen's perspective

Thought I'd give a different perspective. That of the teen. When I was 15 I'd spend night after night after night, possibly even weeks, at a friend's house (I would go home for showers and changing clothes) and this was during the summer so no school to worry about. Anyways, my friends mom would call my home and talk to my Dad (my mom wasn't living with us) and tell him it was ok for me to stay over. The thing is with this mom, although she'd cover for me and talk to my Dad, there was NO SUPERVISION of what was going on in her home. We'd smoke pot pretty much all the time and there were also some kids doing acid. There was sexual activity going on (not with me, but with other kids). Lots of things that my Dad would never dream of especially since he talked with the Mom of this household and since I was such a "good girl". Really, I was a straight A student who'd never been in any sort of trouble. There was no curfew in that house, so we could be out wandering in the woods until wee hours of the morning. On the same note, I used to spend the night at a DIFFERENT house (that of my brother's girlfriend and her family whom he was living with). She was close to my age so I'd play it off like I was spending the night at a "friends" house, which she was, but the reason I wanted to stay there is again, the lack of supervision/caring on behalf of the parents. MY boyfriend also stayed there with me (my Dad didn't know this part) and so began my sexual activity. We could do whatever we wanted!

So... of course I had tons of fun while doing these things and I'm really glad I was able to experience them, even though there was so much that could have gone wrong, but now that I'm a parent, OMG, I'm TERRIFIED of when my kids are teens. : I do know that I will KNOW, I mean, really KNOW the parents of any friends my kids will be spending the night with. Not just a quick phone call. You'd be surprised at how "normal" a family may look, but how completely NOT normal things are behind closed doors.
post #28 of 71
My oldest daughter tried to do this when she was around 16. The difference was I knew the girl she was staying with & her mother. I let her stay 2 nights instead of the original one & then said she needed to come home. Why? Because it really could have been an imposition on the other family, feeding a teenager is no joke & costs can mount up, & who knew what their plans were or how an extra person might affect them but mainly I said to come home because she didn't life there. You visit friends, you live at home. That doesn't seem harsh or unreasonable to me, especially if you leave the welcome mat out for them to invite others over too.

This was some time ago. Now I would be concerned with issues that didn't occur to me then, like does the family have guns on the premises? There have been numerous instances of teenage boys shooting one another in the news because they got hold of firearms their parents owned & were showing them off. With people allowed to have concealed carry permits there can be guns in homes & cars that you might have no idea of if you aren't familiar with the family. There are also too many stories about kids who go swimming without supervision who run into trouble & drown. The bottom line is, if your child is completely away from home for an extended period you can't supervise him & safety issues can arise, especially in that age bracket that is attracted to risky behavior.
post #29 of 71
Quote:
Originally Posted by birthjunkie27 View Post
The thing is with this mom, although she'd cover for me and talk to my Dad, there was NO SUPERVISION of what was going on in her home.
I was in a very similar situation as a teen. I was thought to be responsible and mature for my age (and I was), but I was still just a kid. Nothing bad happened to me, but that was just because of dumb luck. I had several very close calls, including a possible abduction attempt.
post #30 of 71
My sister did something like this when she was seventeen. Turned out, once we got her home, that the family had been emotionally abusing her and she more or less had Stockholm Syndrome. That was a mess. IMO your justification is that you don't know the family!
post #31 of 71
Quote:
Originally Posted by boobybunny View Post
In all honesty, the area and community that Cheri lives in is not one that is judgemental about this. There are more unschoolers, homeschoolers, and life leaders in our community than you could ever imagine. (think Ken Kesey and the merry pranksters) Children, all children here are part of the greater family. It is one of the main reasons I moved back home. I am just as likely to have my neighbor's children for dinner as they are to have mine. I do the neighbor's basic yard work, they would bake an extra dozen cookies for my house. You really would have to live in this community to truly understand.
Now you have me really intrigued about the area where you live. Maybe this isn't something you want to say, but can you tell us what state you're in? Oregon? California? (The area that I live in can be pretty judgmental about what people do. I'm not looking to move, but this is interesting.)
post #32 of 71
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cherie2 View Post
I don't know this family well, (have never actually met them in person) so I don't know how carefully these kids are being watched.
I don't care how AP/crunchy/unschooling/GD you are...what kind of sense does that make?

I'm glad he's coming home.
post #33 of 71
Quote:
Originally Posted by birthjunkie27 View Post
Thought I'd give a different perspective. That of the teen. When I was 15 I'd spend night after night after night, possibly even weeks, at a friend's house (I would go home for showers and changing clothes) and this was during the summer so no school to worry about. Anyways, my friends mom would call my home and talk to my Dad (my mom wasn't living with us) and tell him it was ok for me to stay over. The thing is with this mom, although she'd cover for me and talk to my Dad, there was NO SUPERVISION of what was going on in her home. We'd smoke pot pretty much all the time and there were also some kids doing acid. There was sexual activity going on (not with me, but with other kids). Lots of things that my Dad would never dream of especially since he talked with the Mom of this household and since I was such a "good girl". Really, I was a straight A student who'd never been in any sort of trouble. There was no curfew in that house, so we could be out wandering in the woods until wee hours of the morning. On the same note, I used to spend the night at a DIFFERENT house (that of my brother's girlfriend and her family whom he was living with). She was close to my age so I'd play it off like I was spending the night at a "friends" house, which she was, but the reason I wanted to stay there is again, the lack of supervision/caring on behalf of the parents. MY boyfriend also stayed there with me (my Dad didn't know this part) and so began my sexual activity. We could do whatever we wanted!

So... of course I had tons of fun while doing these things and I'm really glad I was able to experience them, even though there was so much that could have gone wrong, but now that I'm a parent, OMG, I'm TERRIFIED of when my kids are teens. : I do know that I will KNOW, I mean, really KNOW the parents of any friends my kids will be spending the night with. Not just a quick phone call. You'd be surprised at how "normal" a family may look, but how completely NOT normal things are behind closed doors.
and thats just about says it doesnt it.. id think cherie you at 13 and out of the house ( not judging you) but youd want to have your kids close by you for as long as possible , you know break the cycle.. . I was a brat teen and out at 17 , engaged at 18 married at 20, 3 kids by the time I was 24. divorced at 34 cause i felt i missed something,, my childhood. when my daughter wanted to leave at 17 i seen her following my path,, I fought for her to finish school and ill be dammed if shes follows my path........ but thats just me.. all of us are different.. goodluck..
post #34 of 71
I think is Ok to say you miss him, but not OK to use that as a reason to insist he "come home".

You missing him is your deal, kwim? And you would not want to guilt hi into anything.

Like many here, I would insist he come home (but not because you miss him). Food for thought (but not judgements: )

1. I think 2 days is the limit for a child to be away, unless there is other, more formal arrangements going on.

2. You do not know the parents. I imagine your son IS probably a good judge of character, but at 14, and if this is a first love sort of situation, his judgement may be a little skewed. My own opinion, is that as a parent, we slowly loosen boundaries and let them fly. It is great that this other family may feel his presence is positive - but if the other family is having issues, might he feel pressured to stay or guilty about going home? It is hard to know - it goes back to the fact that at 14 he may be too young to deal with this.

3. Yes - he may well be outstaying his welcome. A 14 yr old can eat about 50$ worth of food alone in a week - he is tapping their resources.

4. There is something to be said for promoting a strong family base/family ties. Your family are the ones you will go through life with - you should make them a priority. I know this is very hard on teens, who can be very peer-centric, but being too peer centric has its issues too, kwim?

Kathy
post #35 of 71
Quote:
Originally Posted by SusannaG View Post
Now you have me really intrigued about the area where you live. Maybe this isn't something you want to say, but can you tell us what state you're in? . . .
:

Our young people are younger but the neighborhood friends play at our house and in our yard. If it's time to eat and they are over then we feed them and I really want our home to be young people friendly.

Is this a commune? Something less organized?
post #36 of 71
Quote:
Originally Posted by tsume View Post
:

Our young people are younger but the neighborhood friends play at our house and in our yard. If it's time to eat and they are over then we feed them and I really want our home to be young people friendly.

Is this a commune? Something less organized?
This really isn't that unusual even in more mainstream neighborhoods.
post #37 of 71
ok ya lost me when you said that you have never met the family. I'm an unschooler too and we practice consentual living. However, I'd never let my child just be gone for a week at a house where I have never even met the people. :
post #38 of 71
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by boobybunny View Post
I really don't think anyone has a right to judge. She is the parent, and while she might have been looking for some suggestions on how to get her son home in positive way, she was not looking for someone to damn her parenting.
Thanks for that
post #39 of 71
Quote:
Originally Posted by tsume View Post
:

Our young people are younger but the neighborhood friends play at our house and in our yard. If it's time to eat and they are over then we feed them and I really want our home to be young people friendly.

Is this a commune? Something less organized?
No, not a commune. But I did live on one for a couple of years when I was really young. (74-76) Our town has a very friendly vibe and collective responsibility. I have fed children at the park, (with parents permission of course) snacks that we brought for our kiddos. I have had parent offer up a cloth diaper for me when I forgot to restock the diaper bag. I have done the same, I have seen a woman buy the entire park full of kiddos ice cream from the truck. (with parents permission again) There is a real "pay it back/forward" attitude here. From a mom buying all the kiddos on my son's soccer team the tournament t shirt, to three nursing moms meeting at a park and deciding COLLECTIVELY to help a low supply mom give her child breast milk.


It happens in more mainstream areas of our community too. We wake board. I have seen people with $70,000 dollar boats give a tow to a kid (teen/college age) hanging out on the dock.. oogling boats. One day a minivan full of people was on the side of the hwy. By the time I turned around there was two other cars stopping to help her.
post #40 of 71
Quote:
Originally Posted by boobybunny View Post
No, not a commune. But I did live on one for a couple of years when I was really young. (74-76) Our town has a very friendly vibe and collective responsibility. I have fed children at the park, (with parents permission of course) snacks that we brought for our kiddos. I have had parent offer up a cloth diaper for me when I forgot to restock the diaper bag. I have done the same, I have seen a woman buy the entire park full of kiddos ice cream from the truck. (with parents permission again) There is a real "pay it back/forward" attitude here. From a mom buying all the kiddos on my son's soccer team the tournament t shirt, to three nursing moms meeting at a park and deciding COLLECTIVELY to help a low supply mom give her child breast milk.


It happens in more mainstream areas of our community too. We wake board. I have seen people with $70,000 dollar boats give a tow to a kid (teen/college age) hanging out on the dock.. oogling boats. One day a minivan full of people was on the side of the hwy. By the time I turned around there was two other cars stopping to help her.
Wow, where do you live and can I come stay! I so want to feel the love!

Where we live people don't stop for anything!
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