Discrimination against non-vax kids???

[angie7]

This is something that has bothered me for a long time but I didnt know who to talk to but you guys seem really open so I will let it spill here. Have you or your children been disrimination against b/c you dont vax? My twins are 14 months old, 100% vax free and I am so scared to tell friends that I dont vax b/c I am afraid they will think my kids are "diseased". What really brought this to head was I am having a garage sale at my mom's house in 2 weeks and I am selling all the girls clothes that they have outgrown which is TON! A mother with 3 month old triplets (2 girls and 1 boy) wanted to go through them. Well I found out that she was bringing the triplets to look through them so I wanted to be there to play with the babies and I wanted to meet another multiple mom. So I am really excited about meeting her and the babies b/c we have the multiple factor in common but then on the way there I started thinking "what if she asks me how they reacted to their shots?" I am not a liar so I would tell her the truth and I could just imagine her grabbing her kids and running for cover....

We got along great and plan on getting together again b/c we have alot more in common then just the kids. She is an ER nurse so I am not 100% that she vaxs but I am sure she does b/c most med pros do. I am so worried that I will get to know her better and her babies and then she finds out and that's it. I would be crushed.... I am also worried about when the girls go to school and are 8,9,10+ years old and little Susie's parents find out that my girls arent vaxed and wont let them play together anymore. How would I explain that to such a young child? I feel like they shouldnt suffer b/c of a decision that we made for them. Does that make sense?

What do you guys do or what do you think about this?

ETA: I am not writing this b/c we are thinking of vaxing now, b/c I am not. Just wondering how anyone has or will deal with this...

[Max'sMama]

I would just have fun with the play date and if it comes up answer how you want and if it doesn't go well, then you can probably know that it wasn't a friendship that was meant to be.

You could always answer your question VERY ambigiously, IE "shots are always hard on kids" notice that your kids weren't mentioned and you would be able to move to a different subject and hopefully make a friend. Then if vaxing comes up later the friendship would be solid enough to take a vax disagreement.

[Spy]

I never worried about it, and I should say, never once (in 17 years) did I experience anyone fleeing from my 'contagious' kids The reasons why I think it is not likely to happen are the following:

- When your child is no longer a newborn, it becomes obvious that they are not dead from lack of vaccination In fact, the older the child is, the stronger this point becomes
- Again, the older the child is, the more obvious it becomes that they look totally the same way as any other child, and surely during their entire life they were in contact with other children/adults, yet there were no obvious outbreaks and epidemics around them. You can confirm that no vaccinated child has suffered from contact with your child .
- Once this overwhelming wave of vaccinations of the first year is over, most parents wouldn't even give it a second thought - they are not worried about it anymore and they assume just the same in your case (after all, your kid has only one head, must be fully vaccinated and up to date ). Actually, many parents may not even think of asking you how your child reacted to vaxes last year simply because they don't expect you to remember (unless their child has reacted very badly and they are really preoccupied with this issue, which may even be a chance to give them some information they might appreciate!)
- At school, when my unvaccinated child decided to break the news to his vaccinated friends, nothing big happend. Yes, there were some ooohs and aahhhs and wows, but the whole issue was forgotten in five minutes and the subject returned to football or whatever. If some of these kids let their parents know, I am not aware of it as nothing changed whatsoever. Nobody cares at that stage - possibly due to the first two mentioned reasons.
- Aside from the rest of the issues, many people are aware of the existence of true medical exemtions. They do know that some kids are not vaccinated because their doctor didn't allow it. Somehow nobody runs from these kids. How is yours different? You can, if you want to, tell your friends that it was your doctor's decision (a holy gospel for many), but I wouldn't even bother.
- As the PP pointed out, if it does happen, so be it. It really would tell me a lot about this person and it is hardly the sort of a person I would like to have a friendship with. But I don't think it is likely to happen - not that dramatic anyway. For all you know, she may agree with you! Or never bring it up at all.

[alegna]

I've never really given it a thought and it's never been an issue.

-Angela

[attachedmamaof3]

We've never had to deal with it..it hasn't been something that comes up in conversation...in fact the one person we've talked to about it in the last year or so ended up not vaxing either (which was a complete surprise!)

So to answer your question, no. No one has ever discriminated against my kids for not vaxxing.

[angie7]

Thanks guys, makes me feel a little better. This has come up between a friend and I. Her son was 2 months old at the time and getting ready for his first shots and she asked me how my girls did. I told her that we didnt do them and she looked at me funny but that was it. I guess I am afraid that I will find a vax radical who thinks that unless you vax, your kids are going to die but I know that is unlikely but it can still happen....I dont willing tell anyone that I dont vax unless they ask. One reason I didnt vax is b/c of my own med problems and even the AAP says not to vax my children but that isnt the reason I even started researching vaxs. But I guess I could use that just in case....

[Deborah]

Well, a friendship between a vax radical and a non-vaxer would probably be a stretch, but most people probably don't think about it much once their kids have most of their vaxes, just like Spy said.

It is info to be kept quiet for the most part, but more as a matter of a reasonable level of privacy in your personal life rather than fear of reaction.

I remember, years ago, having a conversation with a friend of mine who is gay. He asked me if he needed to be "up front" about his sexual orientation. I said that I didn't think it was one of those things that needed to be announced to casual acquaintances, unless there was a good reason, and offered him a couple of pieces in my own life that I don't usually share with casual acquaintances: "Hi, my name is Deborah and I'm a _____________ and _____________. He laughed and said he could see what I was trying to say. We do have a right to decide what we want to share with people.

If you have a close friendship, or a life partner, or any other situation where it is important for some particular private matter to be shared, then open up. But telling all and sundry, everything about your private life, including your private medical stuff, just doesn't make sense.

[Cranberry]

I haven't had any problems, but like a PP said, it really doesn't come up (of course DS is older now, but when he was a baby, it just didn't come up much in discussion with friends). Also, I don't tell people I don't know really well... I would never mention it, for example, to casual acquaintances or neighbors. People like to talk and it's none of their business, right? :

[cam&kat's_mom]

When people ask us about hos DS did with shots I say " he didn't get any" and they usually say "OH. Ishe sick? Cause ya know they can stil get them when they are a littel sick.. my dr said it wasn't a big deal...." and tehn I just smile adn say "We've discussed it with his Dr adn we wil let them know if we ever intend to give him shots and we will go from there." and they usually ask teh "what about school etc... question THEN I get to go into teh whole exemption thing and trusting a DR for everything things etc. And they get a whole lesson So they learn it's better not to ask! LOL
I've never had anyone NOT talk to us again OR not let teh kids play together again. I think it's a parenting choice in their eyes. (Like they let their kids have soda and I don't, etc) And life goes on.
Another cool thing tha thas happened a few times is that i find a non vaxer OR convert someone that does vax. So ya never know!

[sunnymw]

Yeah, it's a good way to find other non-vaxers! We were having a vax discussion at the table the other night when MIL brought up that X at church don't vax their kids b/c of a bad reaction/autism, and never will again... and I was SHOCKED, this was one of the most conservative couples in church! =D

[CrunchyBikerMama]

I don't plan on sharing ds2's non-vax status with his friends' mothers. If they ask me how he did with his shots, I will answer "fine." This is technically not a lie. He will always do fine with shots because he will never have any!

[stacyann21]

Personally, I probably wouldn't mention it although I'd answer honestly if I was asked. pro-vaxxers have some really nutty ideas about non-vaxxed kids, they're going to "bring back Polio, give other kids meningitis" etc.

[2 in August]

So far we've been lucky that not many people have asked. I had one casual friend ask when ds was really tiny if he was big enough for vaxes and I said not yet, but then when he got bigger she asked how he did with them so I just said that we chose not to do them.

I have one friend who would flip out. I know she would because she flipped out when we were both pg that our other friend came to work with a slight shingles type outbreak and she freaked and refused to come back to work until everything had been lysolled down to the last pencil and paper clip. She brags about how well her baby does with her shots, how she barely cries, etc. The best thing I have going is that my dd was vaxed before I knew better, so this friend I'm sure assumes that ds is vaxed. She hasn't asked about his vaxes at all and I'm surprised since she always wants to compare her kids to mine. But as long as she doesn't outright ask, I'm not saying a thing.

[Mccmama07]

This actually came up for me last week. My neighbor just had a baby 8 weeks ago and we frequently get together to go for walks etc. I had another friend over (with a new baby too) and while I was making lunch, they started talking about shots. My neighbor took her daughter in today for the full 8 week series. Anyway, the moms were talking and my friend asked my neighbor if she did Hep B etc in the hospital (my friend didn't). My neighbor said "yes-and next week she gets everything else." My friend just said-"oh good luck-I hope everything goes well for you" and the was the end of the conversation. My friend never had to say anything about her vax status and my neighbor, I assume, just figured that since her daughter was a bit older than my friend's daughter, she would be doing it in a few weeks.

They never even asked me!! DS (who is almost three) was running around and like the pp said, since he's not a baby they don't even ask! My next DC is due next month but it still didn't come up.

Granted DS is vaxed (before I knew better and before I found out my FIL is autistic), but we aren't vaxing him anymore and the next baby won't be vaxed, but it still never even came up last week!!!

I would just go and enjoy the time with your friend-I doubt it will even come up. With triplets I'm sure she's got tons of other stuff on her mind

[angie7]

Thanks so much, I am starting to feel better. I dont want to tell everyone I dont vax, I have only told people who ask and I plan on leaving it at that. I guess I will look at this like my own med problems, most people that know me dont know about it b/c I dont want them to feel sorry for me. I want to be treated like everyone else so I guess this is "kind of" the same....

[Kokopelli-mana]

I agree; it's better to keep quiet about it unless asked by a mother who sincerely wants to know in order to make a decision.
That being said, I can't keep my mouth shut. I told a new mommy friend that we stopped all vaxes on both kids and she actually backed up away from me as I was speaking. She was (previous to that conversation) going to send us an invitation to her son's birthday party, but it never came. I think I freaked her out a bit. She didn't seem too mainstream so I thought I was safe... she trained in acupuncture and complained how much antibiotics the peds always tried to push on her kids.
You would think I would have learned my lesson. But I'm up front with my sister, mother, and cousin even though they don't agree.
I mentioned it to my SIL who is a ped-worshipping mainstreamer. I couldnt help myself. She was so shocked that she didn't know how to continue the conversation. I left it at that, thinking that at least I planted a little seed... (trying to save her youngest ds from more shots, given that her older one is very likely on the spectrum).
But, I will keep a tight mouth around school parents, when dd goes to school, since I'll already be skating on thin ice with that school...

[JamesMama]

I haven't experienced this yet. But very few people know we don't vax. It simply does not come up. The only people it could come up with is DH's family (BIL has a 8 month old son) and if they asked I would flat out lie through my teeth. My IL's are VERY VERY pro-doctor and I'm sure it would cause major issues if they knew we didn't vax.

Personally, I don't have a problem lying to people. I would rather lie than have my son loose friends or have to deal with CPS (you'd be amazed at how crazy some people are).

Most of my friends know, and there isn't an issue. One of my friends was pretty anti-not vax'ing, but the rest say it's a personal choice and thats that. One of my friends also does not vaccinate, so it's a total non-issue with her. LOL

[ripcurlgirl26]

It happened with a couple that we were friends with. DH's friend from high school and his wife (who is a cardiologist) had their baby boy two days after us, and when DH told them that we don't vaccinate, they stopped answering our phone calls. I can only imagine the horror they felt after the realized that when we had a play date when the boys were 6 months old, that my DS slept in their DS's crib! On his tummy no less. : They probably boiled the crib sheets.

ETA: It's really no one's business in the end.

[momto l&a]

I dont talk about it with people I sense dont agree.

We have never really had problems with people not liking us due to the fact we dont vaccinate.

There is one family that was kinda picky about their baby and ours playing. but it never caused any problems.

[2 in August]

What I still don't understand is why people are scared of non-vaxed kids. If the vaxes work, they have nothing to worry about even if my kid is sick. Chances are my kid could get sick from their kids shedding.