For those of you with children attending your homebirth, advice please

[sugamagmama]

I need some advice. My sister has agreed to come over once I go into labor to be the support for my two girls, age 2 and 4 1/2. Last time, my MIL was in town and she and my FIL helped with my oldest and everything was great.
So my dilemma...sister has been acting weird about being available, didn't return a few of my calls for a couple of days, not at all enthusiastic about the upcoming birth, generally noncommital. She has disappointed me in the past when I have expected her to come through for me, with things like not bringing dessert to Christmas dinner when she said she would, showing up intoxicated to watch my kids on our anniversary, being an hour and a half late to my husband's birthday dinner. She watched our home for two weeks when we went away last year, my pool was green, houseplants were dead, phone broken. She also drinks quite a bit when she goes out on weekends. : I am worried she wont come through for me, and I wont have help with my girls and my spouse will end up looking after the children while I deliver alone with my midwife.
Do I let her off the hook and try to come up with a plan B, which I have no idea what that is? All of my other family is up North, and my neighbor is moving tommorrow :

[honeybee]

It sounds like you do need a backup plan. Do you have any friends you could ask? I would be thrilled to help out even an acquaintance for such a good cause. Will your midwife have an apprentice with her? Or could you ask her for some suggestions?

Sorry you're in this boat. I hope your sis does come through for you.

[pjs]

Perhaps a midwifery student would be eager to help you- she gets to be at a birth and you get someone to help with the kids.

[sugamagmama]

Thanks for the suggestions. I guess I was just hoping she would come through, Knowing she doesn't really want to is kind of hurtful. If I labor at night it's no big deal, the kids will sleep. During the day I do have a friend I could call, she has children too, but I am sure she would try to help out. I am just trying to finalize all my plans so I can relax and have a great birth experience. My due date is the 23rd, and I have an appt with my midwife tomorrow, so Ill get it together.

[mbhf]

i wouldn't count on your sister. have you considered hiring a doula? we live far from our family, and we ended up with no one to watch our oldest when our second was born. he did really well, but we hired a great child friendly doula for our last birth. she was awesome. i had someone to help me when my kids needed my dh, and someone to hang out with the kids when i needed him. we were really upfront with her, and a couple of doulas were less than interested in being a "babysitter" but most were really into it, and said helping me however i needed it was their job. it was a really great experience.

[Carlyle]

Sounds like you also might want to come up with a plan C for if your sister does come, but shows up intoxicated. You certainly don't want to have a stressful conversation with her about this while you are in labor, but you want someone sober watching your kids. Perhaps you can prep your husband or midwife to ask her to leave and call your backup if this happens? Best of luck to you!

[jcchirib]

oh, i really like the idea of a student midwife helping out with the children...or i wonder if a doula-type person would work? it's important that you have a responsible adult who can respect both your wishes and the wishes and needs of your children.

with us, the person who helped with our dd was uncomfortable with unmedicated birth, and uncomfortable with my, um, sounds. i only found out a couple of years afterwards that my dd really wanted to be in the room when the baby came, but was dissuaded. and i had thought that she wasn't interested!

[MamaRabbit]

An actual doula would probably not be interested... they do labor support, not baby-sitting. Midwifery student maybe (I would!) Any close friends that are supportive? Any MDC moms in your area?

[sebarnes]

Originally Posted by MamaRabbit

An actual doula would probably not be interested... they do labor support, not baby-sitting. Midwifery student maybe (I would!) Any close friends that are supportive? Any MDC moms in your area?

Actually, I am a doula, and I myself, as well as many doulas I know are willing to be hired as a child's doula. Which basically means we are there to take care of and facilitate the child's interaction with the birth. No, not all doula's do it, but many do. You just need to call and ask.

Also, I know that my mw will bring an assistant to help with your kids if you want them at the birth and don't have anyone to help.

[wwisdomskr]

As sad as it is, it sounds like this is not the time to count on your sister.

Does your mw (or any of her colleagues) have any teens? They are most likely very comfortable with births, etc. One of our mw's young teens watched the child of a friend of our during the birth of their 2nd. They were all pleased with the experience. The sibling was able to participate in the birth as he wanted and play when he didn't!

Are you connected with a local homebirth support group? This sounds like a request that another hb mama would love to receive! It's great to have the chance to support another mama in the way she mosts needs...

Good luck!

[AllinHisTime]

Please take it from someone who had a "drama queen" SIL at her homebirth......

PLEASE OPT FOR A DIFFERENT PLAN!!!

You will feel more at ease, more relaxed and more at peace knowing someone responsible is helping take care of your children while you focus on the birth of the next. Your comfort and relaxation, as you know, will help you make the birth so much better. You can emotionally have the birth you desire and I think your children will be less apprehensive. When children have good care with responsible adults, they tend to act up less, feeling comfor and stability in boundaries.

The "short" version of what happened to me: My MIL desired for her youngest dd (a single mother) to experience what a "motherly" birth would be like. I didn't know about this desire until I was in the water pool laboring. My MIL came to sit with my two children when she got a call on her cellphone that she needed to come get the single mom's child so she could go to work (something else I was not informed of). In fact, it was the day everyone decided to take advantage of the woman in labor and it stunk! I had to do all that I could to keep from crying inorder to stay focused on birthing the baby!! I was so hurt and here it is, almost 4 years later and it is still very painful to talk about. My MIL didn't come through for me to watch my children and a massage therapist friend of mine brought a friend and HE ended up watching my children (2 and 5 years old at the time)!!! i had a total stranger watching my children while I was giving birth. I was constantly worried about them but kept getting reassured that they were good and he had worked with children before.

My MIL ended up asking me if my drama-queen SIL could just come. She begged me to let her. As I was having a contraction I finally just said FINE thinking it would help keep the little guy occupied so my MIL could help take care of the children. NOPE! I heard her outside of the house making fun of me!! It really did something to my phyche. I was so wounded that I didn't even realize I stuffed all those hurtful feelings down deep so far that it made me not want anymore children. I couldn't tell you why, but the more my husband brought up more children, the more I resented him and got bitter and said NO!!!! I had to face that pain and work through my hurt inorder to begin trying again. I just don't think I realized how hurt I was until all the emotions settled and I was faced with wanting more children.

I would hate to think of another dear hb mama going through the same thing all because of the selfish actions of others. I wouldn't let my dh leave my side so he felt like his hands were tied. I trusted the wrong family members and was the only one who got hurt out of it. I am still the target of their immaturity. My three mw never in their life had been to a birth with someone so rude. They still can't believe it and it did make a lasting impression on them.

I've even considered unassisted birth but feel my husband needs the support so we'll go for mw again next time. My children also want to be present and have expressed much interest in being there. I am hopeful that I will know what to do when the time comes. We have some good ideas on how to explain things to them so they will understand.

I like the ideas of everyone else on here. You are better off to go with a mw apprentice or doula than try to deal with your sister when you and your baby need all of you!!

I pray you will make a decision that will bring you, baby and family much peace during such a beautiful time!!!!

[saratchka]

Originally Posted by wwisdomskr

Does your mw (or any of her colleagues) have any teens? They are most likely very comfortable with births, etc. One of our mw's young teens watched the child of a friend of our during the birth of their 2nd. They were all pleased with the experience. The sibling was able to participate in the birth as he wanted and play when he didn't!

This is what we're doing. My MW's teenage daughter has accompanied her to the last 3 or 4 appointments and spent that time with DD so they'll be comfortable with one another come the birth. She'll come with her mom to the birth, regardless of the time of day and will be there to be with DD as needed. We're paying her hourly for the visits and the birth, and her rate is very reasonable. She's really good with kids, and I have high hopes that this will work out for us.

If it doesn't or if we have to transfer, DD's usual sitter/nanny (spends about 8hrs per week with DD in our home while I work in my home office) has agreed to be available in case of those emergencies. We have a bag packed for DD with diapers, clothes, books, and a blanket in case she needs to be somewhere other than here during the birth.

And the last-ditch solution is that DH can be with DD if the birth proves really traumatic for her. It's not our favorite outcome, but if she really needs him, then that is more important than my need for him or his desire to be in the room for the birth.

Honestly, the best case scenario for us is that I go into labor at night and DD sleeps through the whole thing.

[Mother Mel]

I definitely agree with the others that you should have a plan that doesn't include your sister. Although I don't have a sister, I do have unreliable family members that said that they would like to be present at the homebirth of our second child. Initially, I thought that would be great, they could care for our 4 yr old DD, but in sitting with this decision, I became increasingly unsettled. We eventually chose to hire a doula to be with me, and DH opted to be with DD, though DD was awake through the all-night labour until we all went to sleep together after her baby brother was born at 7:23 in the morning. I was thankful that I didn't rely on the family members, but a trusted doula (the same one we used for DD's homebirth), and DH instead. I think, for me anyway, knowing that DD was being lovingly cared for helped my labour progress unhindered by any outside stress. I do think we owe it to these beautiful babes coming into our chaotic world to at least give them as peaceful an entrance as possible.
Good luck with the decision you make.