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FIL might be a pedophile - WWYD? - Page 3

post #41 of 73
The part of me that gives everyone the benifit of the doubt says that he might be trying to make up for what he missed out on with his own kids by pouring it all int your son but that's a stretch.

It's never a bad idea to error on the side of caution when protecting your children.
post #42 of 73
Sounds like you just dont like your in laws. Untill they break the law they do have some kind of right to see their grandkids. And its called having a favorite.
post #43 of 73
Wow, Monkeybum, I read your post and I have to say that I'm very glad you made the decision to have absolutely no contact with this guy anymore. The things you described sounded sooo strange, the way he acts and everything around your DS.

I think you are doing the very best thing for your family by permanantly keeping away from him. Good luck with your DH, and stand strong behind your decision! Your "Mommy Radar" went off for a reason, and don't forget that!!!! Take care,

Michele
post #44 of 73
to OP and all the other's who shared they're stories about themselves and loved ones who were sexually abused.
post #45 of 73
That is scary.

I have to be honest though, if nothing has ever happened, I wouldn't cut ties. I would, however, talk to FIL and tell him that you are not comfortable with how he is acting towards your son. Call him on the "favoritism" and tell him that that won't be allowed anymore, that the girls need attention too. I would tell him that your son is NEVER to be alone with him. EVER. Tell MIL the same. And that if it happens one time, even for 1 minute, that they will never see him again. He is to be with at least 2 adults at all times.

Honestly, I wouldn't ever let DS out of my sight around them. But... I just can't help but think of your husband too. It would be very hard to cut ties with his family if he has a good relationship with them. BUT, my son would be my #1 priority, no matter what, as yours is.

It's a hard hard situation mama. *hugs*
post #46 of 73
I would contact a children's abuse specialist about it and see what their take on it is. they would be able to give you some really good suggestions.
post #47 of 73
Quote:
Originally Posted by BelgianSheepDog View Post
Also, even if FIL never abused anyone else, ever, that doesn't mean he won't abuse your son. Some sex offenders start early and offend throughout the lifespan, but others start later in life. Many have multiple victims, but some have just one. In late middle age and old age there's also the possibility of personality changes brought on by cardiovascular problems like mini-strokes or heart attacks. Also, retirement and being around the family all day brings on more opportunities to succumb to an inner inclination. It's certainly not unheard of for a man to never harm his kids but abuse his grandkids.

I agree with those who said just say no and stand your ground. This is worth fighting over.
Excellent post.
post #48 of 73
"Also, even if FIL never abused anyone else, ever, that doesn't mean he won't abuse your son. Some sex offenders start early and offend throughout the lifespan, but others start later in life. Many have multiple victims, but some have just one. In late middle age and old age there's also the possibility of personality changes brought on by cardiovascular problems like mini-strokes or heart attacks. Also, retirement and being around the family all day brings on more opportunities to succumb to an inner inclination. It's certainly not unheard of for a man to never harm his kids but abuse his grandkids.

I agree with those who said just say no and stand your ground. This is worth fighting over."


Wise words.
post #49 of 73
Thats so bad mama. From what you have written and observed over time about the fil, there's just so much really, he sounds to me to be dodgy all right. Even if he wasn't, his behaviour still stinks bigtime towards your DS and you, you would be totally validated in doing something. So he's ruled his family with an iron fist and they just sit and allow him to do what he wants imo. They are scared of him,... nice. I've seen so much of this in families and often there has also been child abuse and incest I'm certain. It's not unusual just kept hidden I think. Yes protecting your DC from family, so sad and so It's horrible that you are so nervous and could be getting on enjoying your ds and new baby and living in a safer environment. It more than sickens and disgusts me the amount of damage abusers do on so many levels to children and the people that love those children. Trust, so neccessary, destroyed/abused so efficiently, cruelly, such a can of worms. I wouldn't accuse him of it outright at present for a few reasons, but not cos it might offend him if it were untrue, he'll deny it all anyway and twist it, look he knows whats going on, it would easy for him to play the innocent hurt ole gramps, my father played that game too and I just left and broke contact. The fil is damaging enough just with the favouritism imo. But the constant touching, rubbing, grabbing even! my father has grabbed my DS very roughly to get 'affection' and we hardly ever saw him through the year and it was really grose and we were all glad to not return to visit him ever:Puke , all could be signs of an inability/non willingness to leave a child alone, kinda predatory really, invasive for sure,no respect for a childs personal space, privacy, body is bad enough, but we all know to an extent how far pervs will go to get what they want. Buying gifts all the time Just for your DS,? grooming they call that. With not very many child abusers being charged and incarcerated,and an attitude more of protection/denial/desensitization shown towards them and the problem from the system, cops, courts, jail, also our society and right into the 'heart' of the family,covering up a really serious problem cos we can't/won't deal with this as a society, I guess the conspiracy of silence and collusion has probably forwarded the perverts ultimate mission. They don't have much to lose. It must be like a game to them.
You never have to justify protecting your child to anyone. Forget others' feelings on this one. You go to whatever lengths you see are needed. If your DH needs to see his parents your DC don't. You are not comfortable as mama bear and your instincts are telling you this man is not right and thats enough for most peeps who have you and your DC interests at heart. You owe no-one an explanation, even just say fil is not a perv, and everythings pointing the other way unfortunately from your posts, so what? He's not a sound person by the sounds of it. You owe him nothing, certainly not time with your child who he's likely kidding on to be the doting gramps. Culturally or any other way of intrinsically preferring boys over girls is so old and demeaning , sexist and patriarchal, we don't need to perpetuate and reinforce these behaviours with our DC. If he really loved and cared for his grandkids he would not be giving it all to just one and didn't you say your DH's sister and her family have cut contact too and suddenly and that their DS was the object of fil's attention prior to that? Phew, it's all there imo. You do what you gotta do, mama.Take some deep breaths , feel strength in your own conviction and get away from fil. Hoping you get some peace soon from all this.
post #50 of 73
Quote:
Originally Posted by monkeybum View Post
My dilemma is that DH just won't "buy" it enough for him to cut ties with his family..
A lot of folks with "pervy" parents deny/normalize their parents' behavior for a reason. No one ever wants to admit it, because--and at the least--it will make them wonder if they were molested by their parents (nasty). At the worst, it opens up a hoard of repressed memories.

Those who make the difficult decisions to end relations with their family often find themselves dealing with guilt--as well as a grieving process. They also deal with the possibility of being estranged from unabusive relatives as not everyone will have the same view of (or be ready to admit there's a problem with) the abusive side of the family.

OP, you are doing a huge service to your kids by protecting them from your FIL. Hopefully, your husband will one day be able to open his eyes to what's going on.
post #51 of 73
Your decision to cut contact sounds like a good one from the kind of person he seems like and it's really great that you are protecting your son!!

I will say though, and this has nothing to do with the OP and her decision (I was molested by the dirty old man next door so I'm pretty aware of that kind of thing as well), just my own observations... it sucks that we all have to be so paranoid about touching. Not that as mothers we worry about our kids, but that we even have to. I remember as kids my three sisters and I were ALL OVER my grandfather and uncle, climbing on them, playing on them, poking them all over trying to smack or pinch their bums (they protested and tried to avoid this), we WANTED to poke their bellybuttons because as kids that is just funny....they were so much fun and really not in the least bit pervy even though innocent kids can put innocent adults into compromising positions if you're looking for it. Like at the pool the other day my husband was lying on his back relaxing in a shallow thingy of water and a huge air bubble was making a balloon in his swim shorts.. all air, my 19 month old snuck up to him and bit the shorts and pulled on them up into the air and wouldn't let go! My husband was exposed if you were in the right position to see down his shorts and like HEY!! My husband is super touchy with my son and I've noticed men around here (I'm in Europe) are in general with their kids, even in public, and it's a nice thing. It's unfortunate that in some places normal men have to miss out on the closeness of a lot of physical touch, playful and affectionate, because of their own hangups and discomfort or other peoples.
post #52 of 73
Quote:
Originally Posted by Demeter9 View Post
You may want to look up "covert incest" or "emotional incest" too. Just to make yourself feel better about your decision. You have a valid point - knowing that the "pervy uncle's" problem has a name sometimes helps.
yeah, that. there are buttloads of pedophiles out there who don't 'do' the things people think of when they think of pedophiles.
post #53 of 73
I wondered about the cultural thing after reading your first post, but as you went into more detail in the second post, I really think there is something terribly wrong about this picture! You are doing a wise thing for not letting DS be with FIL: there are just too many red flags - truly creepy!!
post #54 of 73
Quote:
Originally Posted by monkeybum View Post
My husband says he really doesn't believe it's possible, but agrees that he'll "watch for it", but he's very "put your head in the sand". DH has told me recently that I'm imagining it. I am not. I am sure of that 100% I just don't trust that he'll ensure there is no alone time between my DS and his dad, (in fact, he was at his parents with DS before I suspected anything and I found out the two - DS and FIL - had gone for a "walk" together ). My son was 2 at the time. I was mad at the time b/c his dad is so careless etc. I didn't trust him to keep DS off the road, etc. I won't allow them to go for walks together now for other reasons! (This man is such a loser - I wouldn't let my children spend 5 seconds alone with him anywhere regardless of the pedophile suspicion - drinks all day, used to abuse his kids and wife, just a total *ss!).
I am not the type of person to advocate divorce particularly easily when there are children involved, but there are a few things that are dealbreakers for me.

THIS IS ONE OF THEM.

In your place, I would be very straightforward with my husband: our child would never be alone with FIL or I would leave and take the children with me, making known to the court my concerns about child molestation and describing what you have described here.
post #55 of 73
I don't know if I would advocate divorce. The scary thing is that divorce could make it far worse. If her dh got partial or full custody, he'd get to visit his folks with the kids whenever he felt like it, without the OP there to intervene and protect them. I think I would recommend some kind of mediation, though. Not necessarily by a therapist, maybe clergy or a professional conflict resolution person would work too.
post #56 of 73
Quote:
Originally Posted by tiffer23 View Post
I would tell him that your son is NEVER to be alone with him. EVER. Tell MIL the same. And that if it happens one time, even for 1 minute, that they will never see him again. He is to be with at least 2 adults at all times.
The problem with this is determining who the second adult will be. The MIL may not be a good bet. My grandmother aided and abetted my grandfather in his abuse. It couldn't have happened at all without her help.
post #57 of 73
Quote:
Originally Posted by BelgianSheepDog View Post
Also, even if FIL never abused anyone else, ever, that doesn't mean he won't abuse your son. Some sex offenders start early and offend throughout the lifespan, but others start later in life. Many have multiple victims, but some have just one. In late middle age and old age there's also the possibility of personality changes brought on by cardiovascular problems like mini-strokes or heart attacks. Also, retirement and being around the family all day brings on more opportunities to succumb to an inner inclination. It's certainly not unheard of for a man to never harm his kids but abuse his grandkids.

I agree with those who said just say no and stand your ground. This is worth fighting over.
Additionally, old age dementia and Alzheimer's may bring out inappropriate sexual behavior.

Would you feel comfortable looking into seeing a family counselor with your dh about this one thing, just to get an outside opinion? We moms can sound paranoid and jumpy to our dh's sometimes, and I find bringing in an "expert" opinion sometimes helps with hard issues for us. If the in-laws get huffy, you could always have a consultation with the counselor as a group if you needed to and they were open to it... something like, "This is an issue of great concern for me/us, and if there really is nothing to worry about, you won't mind easing my/our mind by talking with us in a formal setting about it to ensure everything is on the up and up..."

Hope you find a resolution...
post #58 of 73
I haven't had a chance to finish reading the thread...but I wanted to share that YOU NEED TO TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS and you probably CAN'T protect your son just by supervision.

I was molested by my grandfather's cousin...his mother lived here, so he would come down to visit a few times a year. It started slowly, where he was inappropriate in ways that made me feel funny. Finally he got me alone, I was 11 at the time. He took years to build up to it, I felt bad about it the whole time, and of course, will have to deal with it for the rest of my life.

My mother's response when I told her (two years later)? "I know he's capable of it, his father was like that too, but I kept you safe and protected you, I was always watching, you must have just made it up."

Now, I'm sure that you wouldn't react in the same way...but because she felt like she'd dealt with the fears in the only way she could...by ignoring them, or placating them...she couldn't admit the truth...that she had knowingly put me in harms way. Only once in the 16 years since I told her have I gotton her to at least accept that it happened...and even then, she waffles on it. She's too scared of the truth of what that meant. And it's harmed our relationship on so many levels (and relationships with other families, who side with her, say I'm being unreasonable, etc.)

Listen to your gut. Find whatever excuses you need to...but don't let your child become a statistic. If your DH doesn't want to face it, make HIM read Protecting the Gift. And he may be in denial about it too...may even know more than he wants to admit to himself. Though it's fallen out of favor, the whole "repressed memories" thing is real, it happened to me, I just couldn't face what happened at the time, but when it came back, I had to deal with it alone.

no mama should ever be faced with this...so sorry that you are, but so glad you are seeing the signs and trusting your instincts BEFORE something bad happens.
post #59 of 73
Yeah. I've seen people do that. I mean literally been looking in their eyes when the moment hit them of their complicity, their mind's rejection of the horror of it, and then reform it so it couldn't be possible it has to be a lie. Twice with two different people. It was literally like the lights in their mind went out for a minute, and when the power came back on the mind had thrown up a buffer to prevent further outages.

As a child, I actually got to see it another time on a personal level. Where the knowledge of it hit my mother in the face, when it was right in front of her. Literally. How her mind saw it, and then completely rejected it in a matter of seconds. It "could not" be. The story in her eyes was absolutely apparent. And the same thing happened to HER with her father, and she STILL could not bring herself to SEE it.

It is an amazing sight to see. The human mind balks at horror and particularly when we ourselves somehow end up by accident or stupidity, "in" on the problem. So because "I" could not be aparty to that, it didn't happen.

Nobody has that kind of power - the power to remain ever vigilant. They are expert, they are driven, they are manipulative. They choose their prey and their accomplices with care. It isn't possible one can be THAT vigilant, let alone expect people who are ALREADY complicit in their bad behaviour to do so on your and your child's behalf.

You don't want to be that person. The one who THOUGHT they had it covered, and then when it turns out you didn't your mind goes into survival mode and the only way that you can survive the moment is to reject it. You don't want that to be you.
post #60 of 73
Quote:
Originally Posted by Demeter9 View Post
Yeah. I've seen people do that. I mean literally been looking in their eyes when the moment hit them of their complicity, their mind's rejection of the horror of it, and then reform it so it couldn't be possible it has to be a lie. Twice with two different people. It was literally like the lights in their mind went out for a minute, and when the power came back on the mind had thrown up a buffer to prevent further outages.
That is an amazing analogy. I've seen it too. And I agree with the rest of your post.
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