Thats so bad mama.
From what you have written and observed over time about the fil, there's just so much really, he sounds to me to be dodgy all right. Even if he wasn't, his behaviour still stinks bigtime towards your DS and you, you would be totally validated in doing something. So he's ruled his family with an iron fist and they just sit and allow him to do what he wants imo. They are scared of him,... nice. I've seen so much of this in families and often there has also been child abuse and incest I'm certain. It's not unusual just kept hidden I think. Yes protecting your DC from family, so sad and so
It's horrible that you are so nervous and could be getting on enjoying your ds and new baby and living in a safer environment. It more than sickens and disgusts me the amount of damage abusers do on so many levels to children and the people that love those children. Trust, so neccessary, destroyed/abused so efficiently, cruelly, such a can of worms. I wouldn't accuse him of it outright at present for a few reasons, but not cos it might offend him if it were untrue, he'll deny it all anyway and twist it, look he knows whats going on, it would easy for him to play the innocent hurt ole gramps, my father played that game too and I just left and broke contact. The fil is damaging enough just with the favouritism imo. But the constant touching, rubbing, grabbing even! my father has grabbed my DS very roughly to get 'affection' and we hardly ever saw him through the year and it was really grose and we were all glad to not return to visit him ever:Puke , all could be signs of an inability/non willingness to leave a child alone, kinda predatory really, invasive for sure,no respect for a childs personal space, privacy, body is bad enough, but we all know to an extent how far pervs will go to get what they want. Buying gifts all the time Just for your DS,? grooming they call that. With not very many child abusers being charged and incarcerated,and an attitude more of protection/denial/desensitization shown towards them and the problem from the system, cops, courts, jail, also our society and right into the 'heart' of the family,covering up a really serious problem cos we can't/won't deal with this as a society, I guess the conspiracy of silence and collusion has probably forwarded the perverts ultimate mission. They don't have much to lose. It must be like a game to them.
You never have to justify protecting your child to anyone. Forget others' feelings on this one. You go to whatever lengths you see are needed. If your DH needs to see his parents your DC don't. You are not comfortable as mama bear and your instincts are telling you this man is not right and thats enough for most peeps who have you and your DC interests at heart. You owe no-one an explanation, even just say fil is not a perv, and everythings pointing the other way unfortunately from your posts, so what? He's not a sound person by the sounds of it. You owe him nothing, certainly not time with your child who he's likely kidding on to be the doting gramps. Culturally or any other way of intrinsically preferring boys over girls is so old and demeaning , sexist and patriarchal, we don't need to perpetuate and reinforce these behaviours with our DC. If he really loved and cared for his grandkids he would not be giving it all to just one and didn't you say your DH's sister and her family have cut contact too and suddenly and that their DS was the object of fil's attention prior to that? Phew, it's all there imo. You do what you gotta do, mama.Take some deep breaths , feel strength in your own conviction and get away from fil. Hoping you get some peace soon from all this.