OP here....Only 2 seconds to reply for now - babe is waking. Thank you mammas for all your words and support and sharing. No offense at all taken by anyone's passion/strong feelings on staying far away from this man...but FYI it only just "clicked" at our second last visit that I should be concerned, (then I started to think back to all the scenarios that on some level had made me uncomfortable, but that I hadn't connected until then). At our last visit my concerns were confirmed, which is when I really realized what I thought was going on, (that FIL was grooming DS and that there was a real risk that FIL is a pedophile). Since then I've allowed no contact.
I'm sharing this b/c I didn't want it to seem like I allowed this all to continue while I thought there was something fishy going on. Honestly, I didn't really tie it to anything other than "that's weird". Then the last two visits were more "touchy feely" than normal and something in me clicked and I wanted DS as far away from this man as possible, which is how it will stay. (Actually, it was while watching the Pedophile episode of Oprah that when they went through the checklist, it really clicked in my brain that FIL had all the signs - thank you Oprah for opening my eyes!).
DH and I have decided to go with the approach of "this is not the kind of man we want spending time with our children, as a role model etc. because he is abusive, drinker, etc." rather than an outright accusation of pedophilia. Everyone in the family agrees that he is abusive, a drinker, etc. so there should be no trouble with them accepting this. I think this can accomplish the same thing - no relationship w FIL and my boys, (however DH is still not 100% convinced on how this will work - may go to counseling to discuss - he thinks supervised visits and telling FIL no touching our sons will work; I know he will not say that to his dad when it comes down to it, instead he'll be wishy washy, kind of pull DS away, etc., but he DOES agree that it will be very hard to always supervise every second, that abuse can happen even when we're there and I think he's almost at the point to agree to "no contact at all" - meaning FIL is not welcome in our home and we will only visit MIL when FIL is not there. I can see in DH's eyes that he believes it is true, but that he doesn't want to so he is still hesitant to cause a "rift" in the family. But I will fight for my boys safety and will ensure there is no contact, with DH's support or not. I can't see him fighting me so our boys can have a relationship with a man he hates.
Wish me luck mammas, and thank you all for your support. I really appreciate the opinions, it helps keep my determination!!! I was "abused" by my cousin when I was a young girl, but I had repressed these memories until recently, (I had always thought "something" had happened to me as a girl, but didn't know what. Long story for another time...the memories did come back recently, but I don't feel "bad" about it, he didn't do anything that physically hurt, my only memories are of it feeling good and actually wanting it to happen b/c it felt good, but knowing it was wrong so feeling guilty). So it's good for me to hear that it IS A VERY BAD THING, b/c on some level - just b/c of my personal experience - I wasn't seeing the need to cut off contact as so urgent. I almost thought I should watch more and make sure there is really a risk before causing a "rukus". However, I have learned more and I know that for many, it is terrible and I don't ever want my boys hurt even in a tiny way.
So thank you for sharing your experiences and remining me that even if we are not sure there is a problem, it is not worth taking that risk!