UPDATED! What do I say to my friend who had an emergency c-sect.

[Om Girl]

Update: Went and visited her and the babe...so adorable little stringbean! She told me her birth story and it was worse than I could've imagined...she seemed okay, but then she said "well, at least he's healthy" with a tone in her voice. (I think she's been hearing that a lot.) I just told her that I was sorry that her birth wasn't what she wanted and that it sucked. I just listened and adored her baby and let her tell me her story.
So long story short:
went into labor wednesday, went into hospital @ 1am Thursday @ 4 cm. By 7:30am she was @ 8 cm and got an epidural. Started pushing around 9:00am and then baby got fitted with ESM (electrode scalp monitor) and heart rate started dropping, got rushed to Emergency c-section @ 10am and baby was born @ 10:30am, the epidural wore off during the section and when the doctor started to stitch her up she was screaming in pain because the Anesthesiologist had missed So they had to intubate her and put her under general anesthesia to suture...when she woke up in recovery she didn't remember seeing her baby, and the recovery nurses wouldn't let her see the baby until she returned to the L&D ward! (Plus baby was born with cord wrapped twice and knotted around his neck...wasn't breathing and had to be resucitated at delivery)
: Poor girl's head was just spinning....
(This was my original fear about her delivering at this particular hospital, but I kept my mouth shut...as she was adamantly delivering there with her OB)

My friend just had an emergency c-section after a long, hard labor...she is a total Type A person and was planning on natural childbirth. Her baby was a week beyond her due date and she was seriously stressed out, now the emergency c-section has really thrown her for a loop. She had the baby this morning and didn't call anyone to tell us about his birth...
I talked to her and she said that she's really emotional and broke down when she told me she had to have a c-section.
I want to be a good support for her, I have one DD (who was born without intervention or drugs) so I know about hard labor and childbirth, but I am at a loss as to what to say to her because she is so devastated...
Are there any Mothering articles I could reference or books?
Please help me...I really want to help my friend.
Thanks,
Summer

[*guest]

Tell her you are so sorry, and that it sucks that it didn't happen the way she hoped. Hug her, cry with her, listen to her. Do errands for her, bring food, clean the house. Basically, acknowledge her deep emotional and physical pain and be in the moment with her. Don't say "at least you have a healthy baby." You don't have to fix this for her, but be there for her. I've been in your friend's shoes, and the people who just let me talk and cry and didn't act confused about why I was so upset were the most helpful. The processing will come later, and maybe you can refer her to ICAN or go to a meeting with her or something, but she's probably not ready to think about that kind of thing yet. It is very considerate of you to try to understand her experience and say and do the right things. So many people are not as sensitive.

[rainbowmoon]

just listen to her, bring her food and be there for her.
you are a good friend

[Synchro246]

"I'm sorry you lost your birth"

It's the best thing that's ever been said to me.

[attachedmamaof3]

I would tell her that she did her best. Then I'd cry with her and tell her that her baby is beautiful.

[Fyrestorm]

What ever you do...DO NOT under any circumstances utter the words...

"at least the baby is healthy" "Everything happens for a reason" or "just think how much worse things could have been"

If one more person said any of those things to me, I was gonna become homicidal.

[pianojazzgirl]

All the pps have great advice.

[ericswifey27]

I agree with what everyone else has said. Also, you might recommend a birth trauma therapist, if you feel she would be open to it. That was a huge help for me. "You Should be Grateful" is a good essay to read, is it Gretchen Humphries that wrote it? Silent Knife is a great book although she may not be ready for it so soon. I read it 3 years after my traumatic birth and cried through the whole thing, but perhaps put that in the back of your mind to mention later down the road. Can you send her to the healing csec support thread here? That'd probably be a really good place to start. Just to be able to get out some feelings that will be understood by others would be so helpful to her.

What a great friend you are to seek info for her.

[AllisonK]

Read the article in my signature titled you should be grateful. And ask her what she needs (cleaning help, food, shoulder to cry on, etc) I was unable to get out of bed without rolling for months after my cesarean and walked with pain for weeks. Just be there for her.

[turtlewomyn]

One of the most wonderful things that anyone ever said to me was "I am sorry this happened to you." This was just a few weeks ago (DD is 19 months old). Don't say anything about being thankful for a healthy baby, of course she is thankful for a healthy baby. Bring her nutritious meals to help with the physical healing, offer to do some housework, be a shoulder to cry on, give her a hug.
When she is ready, help her find ICAN (www.ican-online.org) or another support group.

[rainbowmoon]

yes this!

also, just SAY anything. acknowledge her feelings.. often times people don't say anything at all, and it's worse then saying the wrong the things. (This applies to many situations)

Originally Posted by Fyrestorm

What ever you do...DO NOT under any circumstances utter the words...

"at least the baby is healthy" "Everything happens for a reason" or "just think how much worse things could have been"

If one more person said any of those things to me, I was gonna become homicidal.

[ollineeba]

Originally Posted by Fyrestorm

What ever you do...DO NOT under any circumstances utter the words...

"at least the baby is healthy" "Everything happens for a reason" or "just think how much worse things could have been"

If one more person said any of those things to me, I was gonna become homicidal.

YES. You don't have to understand (and you probably won't if you haven't been through the same thing) but just acknowledge her pain and don't minimize it in any sense.
I think just by thinking about what to say to her it sounds like you're a wonderful friend and you will be a great support to her.

[MommytoTwo]

Just let her cry and listen to her tell her story as much as she needs to... the books and articles etc on VBAC can come later...and dont tell her that "vaginal birth isnt all its cracked up to be" or something similar... I doubt you would - you obviously have enough sensitivity to even ask what to say but a lot of people say that to me.

[Sadystar]

Originally Posted by Fyrestorm

What ever you do...DO NOT under any circumstances utter the words...

"at least the baby is healthy" "Everything happens for a reason" or "just think how much worse things could have been"

If one more person said any of those things to me, I was gonna become homicidal.

OMG! I was gonna post virtually the same thing. Yeah not helpful, I´m sure you wouldn´t do it. There is a lot to be said for being honest at a time like this, it sucked. Glossing over that may make her feel guilty for being disappointed. Give her a hug and a "next time" from me.

Sadystar x.

[Om Girl]

Thanks Mama's...I think I did okay when I talked to her, still wished that I would've said "the right thing", but I don't think there's any "right thing" to say in this situation.
She seems really depressed, but I haven't seen her in person. I'm going to visit this weekend. She didn't want visitors until then. I'll be bringing her a card, a basket of organic fruit and mother's milk tea with a new mug. (Plus a gift for the baby and plenty of food later on!)
I'm going to call her again tonight and see how she's doing.

[Le Bec]

I agree with all the previous posters. Sometimes all you can say is "I'm sorry this happened to you" and sometimes it's all people want to hear.

You're a good friend to want to try and understand.

[~pi]

I second the recommendation to pass along this essay:

You Should Be Grateful

[rainbowmoon]

Originally Posted by mamalotusyoga

Thanks Mama's...I think I did okay when I talked to her, still wished that I would've said "the right thing", but I don't think there's any "right thing" to say in this situation.
She seems really depressed, but I haven't seen her in person. I'm going to visit this weekend. She didn't want visitors until then. I'll be bringing her a card, a basket of organic fruit and mother's milk tea with a new mug. (Plus a gift for the baby and plenty of food later on!)
I'm going to call her again tonight and see how she's doing.

you are awesome!
and please remember her healing may take years.

[bluetoes]

What all the other posters have said. Also don't let her get caught up in the guilt and blaming herself many of us had. I still do it sometimes and I was open to the possibility of cesarian myself given my medical history and baby with a massive head! It's so easier to blame ourselves and think we're bad mothers. Also what really helped me is not allowing myself to stay in bed. I was lucky - we have dogs that wanted and needed to be walked. Not wanting to start neglecting their needs made me force my big swollen feet into tennis shoes, put the baby in a stroller and go out and walk. Between than and my doctor telling me light exercise after my two week appointment was ok helped me heal and the endorphines made me a happier person. Oh and don't let her try to be a hero and not take pain medication.

[SuzymomofLaura]

All of the above, AND support her if she has difficulties breastfeeding (breastfeeding after a long, hard labour + CS can be quite a challenge, it might take much longer before the milk comes in f.e.)
Successful BF can be be a part of the healing process (or double the trauma if it doesn't work out). I'm sure your sensitivity to her needs will make a positive difference!!!