I Think I Need Help

[Valkyrie9]

I think I may have a spending compulsion. I buy things because they are "bargains," whether we need them or not. Most of the stuff I buy is used, and I almost never buy retail. (Listen to me justifying.) However, I buy things we don't need, just because it seems like a good value. For example, I buy my daughter's clothes in the next size up. Well...she's probably got 30 outfits already, several pairs of shoes, lots of jammies, etc. And I'm still looking for more.

I found a sweater I like online yesterday--I got one just like it for Christmas, and so I ordered it in a different color. I now have about 4 sweaters just like that. Same thing with shirts, skirts, shoes, whatever.

I get to the end of my paycheck and realize that I have totally overspent--as usual. I end up spending the last 4 days of any pay period worried about buying a tank of gas, thinking about whether or not I reconciled all my PayPal purchases or if I forgot anything, and stressing out about bills I forgot to pay in my frenzy to buy more stuff.

Why do I do this? How do I stop? I feel like a pretty satisfied person with relationships, life, etc. I don't feel a need to be any "richer" than I am. But I don't stop spending money. Where do I find resources to help me get a handle on this? Do any of you have some good tips?

[shelbell]

Couldn't just read and not want to give you a hug.

Sorry I don't have lots of solutions, but would it give you peace of mind if you were to give your DH or a trusted friend or family member $50 to hold for you in case you need it for that tank of gas or whatnot? Perhaps if you have that security, it will make things a little bit easier to deal with.

Another thing that may be useful might be to see if there is a local group of Debtors Anonymous to sit in on. It doesn't seem like debt is a problem for you, but maybe that group might give you inspiration and some good ideas. Here is a link to locations of meetings: http://debtorsanonymous.org/find_meeting/find.htm .

[gargirl]

Have you read Your Money or Your Life? The part I am specifically thinking of is where the author equates money to life energy. (also could be called time) Basically, every time we soend money we are giving our life energy away. It helps to figure out your "real wage" and then think about how many hours of your life you are considering investing in a particular item. Your real wage is figured out by taking the amount you actually take home (after taxes, SS, insurance etc is deducted) and dividing it by the amount of time you REALLY invest in working each week.

For instance, you might earn say $20,000/year but take home say $15,000. But you also spend lets just say $300/year on your work related wardrobe/appearance. (including haircuts and stuff) You also end up spending $25/week on lunches and coffees and an extra $30/week on convenience food because you are drained from working and commuting etc. You work 40 hours a week and commute a total of 5 hours each week to get to your job, you also need lets say an hour a day to unwind and shake off the stress of the workaday world. So you are ending up with about $227.70/week for really a 50 hour week all told meaning your real hourly wage is only $4.55... I reccomend this exersize NOT to depress people but so they can be more conscious about their choices.

Obviously if one finds out their real wage is significantly lower than they thought they can take steps to improve it by bringing lunches and coffee from home, by finding a cheaper source for business clothes and haircuts or alternative transportation... but I think this exersize in your case could be used to help you hit the breaks on spending unnessesarily. If you find a bargain (or a whole bunch of bargains) think about the total cost of them and whether it is really worth so many hours of your life.

I also reccomend keeping an "anti-shopping list" on you at all times. This is a list of thing you absolutely do NOT need. I have one and it lists items for each member of our family. My husband does not need T-shirts he has dozens of them. The kid do not need socks, I do not need shorts or tank tops or sandals. I also keep a list of actual NEEDS. This list is very specific; size 14 slim jeans for J, size 10/12 polo or buttun up shits for Z, Med boxer shorts for hubby, one piece bathing suit for me... etc. It might help you to sort of inventory what you already have for yourself and your daughter. If she is all set with clothes in the next size up congratulate yourself! That is all done! Next time you see some great "bargain" stop yourself... it isn't a bargain if you don't need it, it is a drain on your life. Everytime you resist an unnessesary item, note down the price. Add up all the stuff you mananged to pass over in a week or a month and do something positive with that money. You might put it or part of it in savings or use it or part of it on an activity with your daughter rather than on stuff.

Sorry this is long. I have been digging myself out of a massive pile of so called bargains myself and wanted to help.

Good luck to you!

[Valkyrie9]

Originally Posted by gargirl

I also reccomend keeping an "anti-shopping list" on you at all times. This is a list of thing you absolutely do NOT need. I have one and it lists items for each member of our family. My husband does not need T-shirts he has dozens of them. The kid do not need socks, I do not need shorts or tank tops or sandals. I also keep a list of actual NEEDS. This list is very specific; size 14 slim jeans for J, size 10/12 polo or buttun up shits for Z, Med boxer shorts for hubby, one piece bathing suit for me... etc. It might help you to sort of inventory what you already have for yourself and your daughter. If she is all set with clothes in the next size up congratulate yourself! That is all done! Next time you see some great "bargain" stop yourself... it isn't a bargain if you don't need it, it is a drain on your life. Everytime you resist an unnessesary item, note down the price. Add up all the stuff you mananged to pass over in a week or a month and do something positive with that money. You might put it or part of it in savings or use it or part of it on an activity with your daughter rather than on stuff.

This is an AWESOME paragraph! (The other stuff was good too--I read "Life or Debt," which may be by the same author--it suggests the same things, and I have been lousy about incorporating them.) I love the list of needs, and I have been sitting here trying to think about what sorts of things I could otherwise spend the "bargain" money on. Maybe I could turn that trip to Italy into a reality. I always have wanted to go, but I constantly tell myself that it just isn't possible. Maybe I could try to go a few pay periods without the compulsive spending, and see how quickly the savings account would otherwise stack up.

Thank you--I am going to print that out and keep it on me! Please keep the advice coming.

I've looked through some of the websites about compulsive spending, and am not sure what to think. I really don't run up debt (did that once and have successfully sworn it won't happen again--it's been over 10 years, and I have no credit cards), but it bugs me that I don't have better control over my desire for whatever gratification it is that I'm getting. I think it is more a feeling that I am keeping the wolf from the door by having the needs more than amply taken care of. I know that seems counter-intuitive, but if something terrible happened to me tomorrow, my daughter would have nice clothes that her mommy bought for her. Maybe that's the issue I've got... I'm totally just rambling now, but it will likely do me good to get some of this written down.

[gargirl]

Ooooo A trip to Italy, what a great goal!

Goals are AWESOME and I totally forgot to mention them. Having your goal be a trip to Italy is great. Do some research on airfare, hotels and other costs, come up with a rough figure (with plenty of padding as prices change/things happen) for how much you need to save up to take your trip. You can then either set a time frame and figure out how much you need to put away (preferably in a difficult to get at saving account) per pay period, or you can do it backwards and figure out how much you think you can put aside per pay period (by not buying stuff you don't need)and then see how long you will need to save up. If the time frame seems too long it may motivate you to find more ways of saving so you can go sooner.

A longed for goal can be a great motivator. Just remember a goal without a time frame is only wishful thinking.

[Em T]

I think I need help

Is there some other activity that you can substitute for shopping since you are way off into things you don't need? When you get the urge can you take a walk instead, go outside & weed a flower bed, work a jigsaw or crossword puzzle? It seems like it's gotten to be a habit & if you could replace it with something that is fun & free eventually you'd break the habit.

[Valkyrie9]

Originally Posted by Em T

Is there some other activity that you can substitute for shopping since you are way off into things you don't need? When you get the urge can you take a walk instead, go outside & weed a flower bed, work a jigsaw or crossword puzzle? It seems like it's gotten to be a habit & if you could replace it with something that is fun & free eventually you'd break the habit.

I started musing about the same thing on my way in to work today. The best things in my life ARE free--spending time with DD and DH, working in the garden, going for walks and bike rides, etc. I think breaking the habit is key; the habit (for me) tends to be online shopping. I know there are other, more productive things I could be doing on the computer, but it is such a habit for me anymore to get online and start checking my favorite sites.

[chaoticzenmom]

Originally Posted by Valkyrie9

I started musing about the same thing on my way in to work today. The best things in my life ARE free--spending time with DD and DH, working in the garden, going for walks and bike rides, etc. I think breaking the habit is key; the habit (for me) tends to be online shopping. I know there are other, more productive things I could be doing on the computer, but it is such a habit for me anymore to get online and start checking my favorite sites.

I'm bad about online shopping too. With Amazon, what I do is to put stuff on my wishlist. Then, in a week or two, I realize that I didn't really want it and I take it off of my wishlist.

I'm working really hard to break the same habit as you. I hit thriftstores now, which is a little better, but it still is spending. I also get impulses. I get an idea and 5 minutes later, I'm looking it up on Ebay. If I let the thought go, I'll forget about it, but if I go look it up, I think I HAVE to have it. What helps that is to just put it on my watch list...again, I realize later that I didn't really want it.

My dh and I have "no spend" days that just started this week. I'll say "how much did YOU spend" and we compare to see who spent less. It's pretty funny. He's only spent 7 dollars plus 30 for gas and I spent 19 dollars plus 60 for gas. Nineteen is amazing for me!

I was about to head out to my favorite thriftstore today with my 3 kids just so I could look for some skates for my son. I realized that I would spend way too much and break our no-spend streak, so I decided not to go.

Another way to look at spending is to think about it as hourly. This X dollar amount that I'm about to spend is equal to x number of hours at work. When it's my SO at work, slaving away for his family and not hanging out with us, it makes it seem very frivolous to go spend his hours away from us.
It's hard!
Lisa

[Valkyrie9]

You ladies really inspired me--thank you so much for sharing your experiences!

I'm making progress. I declared to my husband that I think I have a problem, which was a big step. And no shock: he agreed with me. He isn't hostile about it and really wasn't worried, but has definitely noticed that there have been an unholy number of boxes with E-bay/PayPal labels showing up in the mail over the last year or so.

Based on some suggestions, I have opened a high-interest savings account (4.5% at ING with no minimum balance AND a $25 account-opening balance--PM me for a referral link, if you are interested!) and started a direct deposit of $100/paycheck into it. We hope to be saying "Buon giorno!" to new Italian friends in about 7 years. I'm actually really excited about saving this money toward something I have spent so much time dreaming about, but doing nothing to manifest it.

Thank you again!

[Shenjall]

One thing that helped me was reminding myself that when I say no, I'm in power, when I say yes and buy that "great deal", I'm not in power of myself. And I like to be in control and have power over myself. I really do feel a sort of satisfaction in walking away - "look at me, I'm overcoming it! I'm doing it!"

It still is baby steps though. But the first time you walk away, give yourself lots and lots of praise and really concentrate on how good it feels to say no.
Good luck!

[ASusan]

You know what else you can do for your Italy trip? Instead of making online (or real life) purchases, make a "purchase" for the trip when you're feeling spendy. Put $50 in your savings account, and it's one night's dinner out. Look up hotels or B&Bs, and "purchase" a night with your spending money this week. (just put the money into your account) Put $5 aside each day until you have enough for a gelato-a-day for your whole trip. (a necessity for me when I go to Italy)

Look online at the tours and day trips to plan what you'll do. "Purchase" them by putting the money aside, and putting a link to the website in your trip planner.

[Valkyrie9]

Originally Posted by ASusan

Put $5 aside each day until you have enough for a gelato-a-day for your whole trip. (a necessity for me when I go to Italy)

Look online at the tours and day trips to plan what you'll do. "Purchase" them by putting the money aside, and putting a link to the website in your trip planner.

Ooh, I'm quivering at the thought of a daily gelato! And tiramisu...and cannoli...and pretty much anything. Italy is going to look like it was hit by locusts by the time I leave.

As an aside, do you know of a good trip planner website?

[lmonter]

Sounds like me, although my emphasis/compulsion is food and having a full pantry. It's like something that was ingrained in me or just an inherited trait. Both sets of grandparents grew up during the Depression and one set even started their family right after it. So I really have to watch myself... Like we need 3 boxes of cereal, so hey, 10 would be even better! I have enough cereal in the pantry to last us for a month if we only ate cereal for each meal. Each of my grandmothers had a minimum of three full-sized freezers full of stuff at any given time, usually more. Plus a big dry/canned goods pantry. So I limit myself with our monthly food budget (don't go over it, or if I desperately need something I'll use my own "fun money"), our little pantry/storage area, and my little 4-cubic foot freezer. Because really, it was not fun cleaning out all those freezers and other crap from both grandparents' houses when they died. And given the right circumstances, I guarantee I could become a hoarder.

When it comes to kid clothes... well, I've got boys so that helps. I.e. not a lot of choices. When I've got that "must-spend-now" thing happening in my head, I make a list of what the boys (or me!) will actually need. Like a certain number of shorts in one size, a certain number of shirts and socks in one size, etc. Then if I do come across something that's a decent price that's on my list, yay! Or I "window shop" online and just add things to my basket - never checking out and ordering, but still "shopping" all the same.
And with the way we do our budgeting, we've got money saved up for clothing expenses so I'm good to go when I find something.

The list thing helps, especially when I just *want* something, vs. needing it. I've got plenty of shirts, and plenty of exercise pants and regular shorts. But a pair of jeans recently got a bunch of holes in them, so I allowed myself to get a new pair of pants. While having my mom patch up the holes on the jeans to use as gardening pants...

Somewhere in my frugal reading days (I checked out so many books from my poor library), I came across a thought somewhere that stuck with me. That hunting at yard sales costs you not only time, but more money than you planned. It's less time-consuming for me to just keep in the back of my mind that I need a certain thing, then when we're at someplace that has it, get it. I just don't have enough time in the day to search and search for that kind of stuff, not to mention I'm not very patient.

Very recent story from my house - there was a yard sale a few streets down from us on Saturday. A neighbor/friend of ours called and told us they had a hand/manual spike thing for $5 (we need to spike-roll our lawn, it's getting pretty sad). So dh takes off with cash. Comes back not only with the spike thing, but a plastic pitcher and a hose attachment thingie-bob. : We didn't *need* those extra things one bit. Now if they'd had soaker hoses that we've been eyeing for the garden and actually need, that'd be a different story.

It does take time to change your outlook on money though. Since dh and I got serious about our debt and budgeting and all, our outlook has totally turned around. Otherwise dh would have come back with $20 worth of yard sale stuff/crap instead of just $6. So it may be a slow process, but you can change your thinking about this kind of thing.

[mightymoo]

I find keeping track of expenses helps me not overspend. I don't do major budgeting, though my spreadsheet does get steadily more complex I guess...

I just have the amount we take home at the top, a section for bills, then I have three budget sections 'groceries', 'gas' and commuting (for DH). I do have an annual budget for things we buy or spend annual that I pay into every month. So, Anything left over after bills, annual expenses, groceries, gas and parking (for DH's commute) is extra to spend on month to month expenses. It's very useful for me to realize when I hit $0, that I'm not hitting $0 and now I can't pay the cable bill, but that I can't spend any extra outside of the necessities for the rest of the month.

[ColoradoMama]

Originally Posted by lmonter

Somewhere in my frugal reading days (I checked out so many books from my poor library), I came across a thought somewhere that stuck with me. That hunting at yard sales costs you not only time, but more money than you planned. It's less time-consuming for me to just keep in the back of my mind that I need a certain thing, then when we're at someplace that has it, get it. I just don't have enough time in the day to search and search for that kind of stuff, not to mention I'm not very patient.

Aaaahhhh, but that's where having a list comes in handy! Every year at the start of garage sale season, I get out the kid's "next year" boxes and go through them (it's huge fun for all of us - like a party). They get "new" clothes, and I make a list of what they need. Then I take my list with me to garage sales. Like this year, my oldest daughter is completely set for dresses, so I will not buy her any dresses for this year. My youngest daughter only needs shorts and a few summer shirts - so that is all I buy for her. Granted, it costs me time, but it's something the kids and I enjoy doing. We look forward to "garage sale day."

A book that I recently checked out from the library that I thought was great was "The Complete Cheapskate" by Mary Hunt. I highly recommend it. It has some great financial advice in it. She says she was $100,000 in debt, and she got out. She talks about the strategies she used. It's a good read.

[lmonter]

Originally Posted by ColoradoMama

Aaaahhhh, but that's where having a list comes in handy! .... Granted, it costs me time, but it's something the kids and I enjoy doing. We look forward to "garage sale day."

Sounds like your area rocks for yard sales. Ours... not so much. Overpriced and overworn clothes is about all we find. Plus we're not morning people - my kids get up around 8:30-9am - so it's just not for us.

[melissel]

You've gotten lots of great advice. I've just come off a month of crazy eBay shopping for summer clothes for the kids and homeschooling stuff myself. The kids needed the clothes, and I may homeschool next year, so at least some of it was justified, but after living pretty frugally in general, I feel sick at this horrible feeling of out-of-controlness. The summer wardrobes are pretty much in place, although I'm debating buying a couple of pairs of shoes on eBay (toddler only has sandals for summer, and big kid is going to be wearing the heck out of her one pair of sneaks at camp), so now I have to STOP. And it's hard, once the momentum is built up. But also, once you do manage to stop spending so much and reign yourself in, there's momentum there too.

I find that staying the heck away from my "hot spots"--the MDC TP, eBay, and Target--helps me stay in control. Once I get going on the TP, I start thinking of all these things I "could use" and start trolling for them other places too. Get away from those shopping sites. Can you use a parental blocking program to keep yourself from visiting them? Make yourself a new at-work morning routine? Set your home page to a site full of beautiful Italian scenery so that's the first thing you see?

Originally Posted by ASusan

You know what else you can do for your Italy trip? Instead of making online (or real life) purchases, make a "purchase" for the trip when you're feeling spendy. Put $50 in your savings account, and it's one night's dinner out. Look up hotels or B&Bs, and "purchase" a night with your spending money this week. (just put the money into your account) Put $5 aside each day until you have enough for a gelato-a-day for your whole trip. (a necessity for me when I go to Italy)

Look online at the tours and day trips to plan what you'll do. "Purchase" them by putting the money aside, and putting a link to the website in your trip planner.

Also, in the same vein as this, I would do the following: Make myself a little collage of scenes of things I'd like to do/places I'd like to visit in Italy and put it right on my office wall, or right next to my computer. Then, every time you nearly buy something, ask yourself if you want it more than Italy. If the answer is NO!, take that money you almost spent and put it directly into the Italy account. If you could have afforded to spend it on a sweater, you can afford to dedicate to your Italy goal.

Oh, one other thing that helps keep me from shopping is "shopping" on Freecycle. I know it sounds bizarre, but I get almost the same high from scoring something cool that I can use on Freecycle. And if it turns out you didn't really need that thing after all, there's no financial guilt when you Freecycle it back out there. I just ran out this morning to get a bag of fall clothes for the toddler, and it was exciting to go through the bag and see what we got. We need the clothes, because I can't do the spending I did for summer for every season (whew! I got really used to having hand-me-downs), and it was fun like shopping would have been. KWIM?

Maybe, if you can swing it, a little therapy would be in order? I know my own shopping issues are certainly deeper-seated than just wanting new things--feelings of inadequacy, boredom with my routine, unhappiness with having to work and feeling like I "deserve" to shop to feel better, etc.

Also, if you haven't read it, read Affluenza. I always re-read it when I'm starting to feel controlled by our stuff. It's a great wake-up call.

Wow, this got long Good luck! I hope you find what you're looking for.