When do you tell?

[Cherry Alive]

Mammas (and mammas-to-be) - When have you told your family and friends about your pregnancy?

Is it wrong/cruel to keep it a secret for the first trimester (especially with parents and siblings)?

We just started TTC (and we've told NO ONE about this). We've been toying with the idea of waiting until the first trimester is over before making an announcement to *anyone.* My mother and FIL are loving, but they are also on the...um...controlling side. We'd tell others in the family, but that wouldn't be fair (plus no one on my side can keep a secret to save their lives).

DH and I also thought it'd be nice to have a few months of quiet where we could make plans without being drowned in attention and unsolicited advice. We believe it'll be a very special time for us to bond as we make decisions together. We also hope to feel more confident about the pregnancy (he's 39, I'm 33- and both worry about age related complications).

I know our reasons for wanting to wait so long to tell are sort of selfish, and I'm a little concerned as to whether or not it will hurt feelings.

WWYD?

[sunflwrmoonbeam]

Well, the way I see it, getting pregnant is inherently selfish, and you have to take care of your own needs first. Don't tell before you want to.

However, I've never understood that whole "keep it a secret until 2nd trimester." I've had a miscarriage, and while I told people, I didn't go into details about it. I then started getting crap from people for being so upset about losing a pregnancy so soon (less than 5 weeks). I was also devastated since I had 2 friends who were due within a week of me. It sucked, and it sucked worse that some of my "friends' were completely unsupportive. But I would have been upset, and without an explanation, had I not told. So people at least had an idea of what was going on.

Now, at this pregnancy, I'm wanting to announce somewhat early. Part of it is healing from the miscarriage; I want to "own" this pregnancy. It's mine, i want to celebrate it. I don't like living in fear. And frankly, if I do miscarry family will be more supportive than if I didn't tell; my SMIL asks at rather inappropriate times when we're gonna have kids.

[OTMomma]

With this babe, I was 10 or 11 weeks along when we told. We live away from family, and decided to tell everyone on Thanksgiving when we visited- otherwise I would have waited an extra week or 2 beyond that. There were no hurt feelings at all with our families that we waited a few weeks/months to tell.

I think there is nothing wrong with waiting until it feels like the right time. Though I recommend telling before you start showing too much, and to not complain about morning sickness or other symptoms unless you are ready to tell- because if someone guesses, and you lie to them you aren't- then there may be hurt feelings later. I hope that made sense.

[adon]

we didn't wait with DS, and this time around i knoew because i was so sick with m/s with DS that we should tell people soon...i started getting REALLY sick at 6 weeks. but that's the reason why we decided to tell everyone....because they were going to find out anyways when i started puking all over LMAO!

[jessitron]

I'm with Ashley: I tell right away, because if I miscarry, I want people to know what happened and express sympathy. Every hug from a friend helped me heal from the miscarriage.

But you should tell exactly when you want to. Don't feel like you have to wait, or that you have to tell on anyone else's schedule.

[Miny20]

We told right away--at like 4-5 weeks when we got the positive pregnancy test. But, if I were going to have another child I would wait until later. Just because I get really sick of being telling me how fast my pregnancy is going for them--because they were not experiencing the hell I was. Waiting would mean that it was my own experience and not someone else's.

[ASusan]

We waited until 12 weeks to tell family, even parents and siblings. My parents were VERY happy when they found out - and they were happy that I was 12 weeks along already.

I had two miscarriages last year, and while I told family when they happened, people were just as happy to hear that I was already 12 weeks along.

I'm 20 weeks, and there are still family members, friends, and co-workers who don't yet know. The family I'll see at Memorial Day - it will be a surprise. The co-workers might find out next week. The friends will find out as they see me, or if I get a good 20-week ultrasound pic. I may send it out via email.

Go ahead and wait - it feels very good. You and DH can make a whole bunch of decisions - even have some of the early testing done - without others' input.

[HumbleLuna]

Dh and I can wait no longer. We are going to tell our parents on Mother's Day. I will be 8 weeks. I think we may wait a while longer to tell our dd, although she has been really concerned about my morning sickness. I have to throw up everyday before I take her to school.
The strange thing is, I think she already knows!. Before I even found out I was pregnant dd sat down and wantd to make a list of names for the brother or sister she was going o have. She also made a little necklace at school for the baby that was going to be in my belly. How cool is that? There is no way she could have known and Dh and I don't talk about it around her yet. Once she knows, everyone will know. It will be a cool Christmas present for her, she has been wanting a sibling for a long time.

[aylaanne]

I told my Inlaws at 6wks, my Mom at 7wks, and I started telling other people at about 10wks. My dad still doesn't know, but that's more a result of our dynamic than anything else. Oh, and I told my boss today (I'm 15wks).

[cristeen]

We each told our BFs (and DH's boss) immediately. Everyone else didn't find out until after the first trimester, though.

[Jillybean]

We waited until 12 weeks with both of my pregnancies and will most likely do so again. I love that Dh and I have this special little secret, plus it seems to make the pregnancy go a bit faster.
I know, for me, if I had a miscarriage it would make it so much harder if we had to relate the news to everyone and keep talking about it. Only because I process things very internally and I would just need to deal with it on my own. Just me though

[BF124497]

I waited 3 days to tell my husband, so I like the idea of just settling into the pregnancy a bit first.

We told family and two of my girlfriends at 11 weeks. I'm almost 13 weeks now; I'll tell a few of our close friends this weekend. I really look pregnant, but most friends/family live in another state, so there's no way anyone would really know.

[Peony]

We didn't tell anyone with DD1 until 15+ weeks, DD1 was earlier maybe 9 weeks?

[cornpicker]

We waited until about 12 weeks to tell family, and started telling friends after. Told work a month or two later.

It was really, really really fantastic to have time to ourselves to just absorb the information and only share with each other before the onslaught of questions and advice and all that.

[Banana731]

With my first I told 3 close friends during the first trimester, my family after the 1st trimester, and everyone else just figured it out when I showed up back in FL(after spending the winter in VA) at about 8 months pregnant. I should have told more people though, the fact that I waited so long is what led me to just let them "figure it out." They were all pretty shocked, so I wouldn't do that again! This time we waited until after week 14 to tell our families,(granted, we do now live on the other side of the world) and I have just started telling friends here and back home. I am a pretty private person. I knew that if something did go wrong, I would rather be able to grieve privately. I think that you have to do what feels right to you.

[GearGirl]

You should definitely wait! I waited until 12/14 weeks both times, and I think that is pretty normal. I think there is NOTHING selfish about it, I am a private person, and I would be very, very uncomfortable having to tell people about a m/c. I also think the 9/10 months of pregnancy is a very, very long time so they aren't missing out on anything!

[Chavaleh]

I would have liked to of waited till I was closer to 12 weeks but my 6 year old daughter who desperately wants a younger sibling saw me coming out of the bathroom at 6:30am with the HPT and squealed, "Oh... my... gosh... !!!! Is that a BABY TEST?!?!" and once she knew it was pretty much impossible to keep her from telling everyone under the sun including random strangers.

[Taerna]

We planned on telling our families on Mother's Day.

My side ended up knowing a bit sooner. I completely forgot my dad had a date with my dd on Wed. I had an U/S that morning and took the kids with me. DD was so excited and couldnt stop talking about having a new baby !!So when my dad stopped by to pick her up , I told him and gave him an U/S pic for my mom's scrapbook. My dad ended up telling me I just confirmed their suspicion... they had known for weeks!

The rest of the family , DH's family , my sister .. aunts/uncles etc will find out as planned

[paniscus]

Originally Posted by Jillybean

We waited until 12 weeks with both of my pregnancies and will most likely do so again. I love that Dh and I have this special little secret, plus it seems to make the pregnancy go a bit faster.
I know, for me, if I had a miscarriage it would make it so much harder if we had to relate the news to everyone and keep talking about it. Only because I process things very internally and I would just need to deal with it on my own. Just me though

:

I had an early m/c for my first and I was SO glad I didn't have to deal with talking about it or telling anyone on top of what I was going through. We waited until the 2nd trimester to tell anyone with my ds's pregnancy and when we told (which I was beyond excited to tell) I was a little sad. We had this little family secret that was all our own and then everyone knew. It was completely unexpected to feel that way. I just found out I am pregnant again and we will wait this time also.

[Lady Lilya]

When I was about 8 weeks pregnant, I still hadn't told any family because it was the holiday season and there were so many not-close relatives and friends around and I wanted to wait until it was just my parents and my grandma there. I mentioned when I was with my father and my sister that for the past 6 months (4 of these months being before pregnancy) I was having trouble digesting broccoli-rabe. My sister has always had diarrhea from it, but I never had it before that 6mo point. Anyway, my father remembered that my mother couldn't eat broccoli while pregnant. He put 2 and 2 together to make something that was NOT 4, and decided I was probably pregnant, thought he didn't say anything to ME at that time. When I did tell them at about 12 weeks, he said he thought so because of the broccoli-rabe thing. It didn't really make sense. He used the wrong evidence but came to the right conclusion. I am thinking that he had a feeling and was just looking for some kind of sign.