this is going to be hard for me to write, but i wanted to let you all know how my birth experience went. and i think it's important for me to begin processing it--even if i might have to take a break after writing this out.
i had planned a drug-free hospital birth. i lost my mucus plug on saturday night at around 6:45 and noticed mild regular contractions starting about 7. they weren't letting up and were only growing more intense, so i called my doula around 9 and she said to eat something and try to relax...so DH picked up a pizza and i ate a little bit of it and some fruit.
around 10:30, contrax were still coming strong. my doula suggested i try to rest because this sounded like the real thing, and in case it was a long labor, i'd need my energy...
so i tried to climb into bed with DH, but only he could sleep. i took a shower and called my doula to come over. she arrived about midnight and we walked around the block a few times, intensifying contractions. we sat on the porch swing and talked for about an hour, then went inside and she helped me position myself over the birth ball and applied some counterpressure/massage to relieve som back labor i was having.
i then called my parents and asked them to leave to come for the birth at about 2 am. the drive for them was about 5 hours, and i thought the timing should be about right.
next, i called my doctor at around 3 am to let him know i was in labor--contrax were then coming about 3-4 minutes apart. they were pretty intense, but i was handling them, even talking and laughing between contractions. the doctor said i could either go to the hospital to be checked or continue to labor at home, since my water had not yet broken. my doula said it was difficult to tell when active labor had started because i never stopped talking between contractions, really.
we made a "plan" (tentative, of course) to go to the hospital around 6 am. i didn't want to be at home when my parents showed up because they have a rather difficult dog
well, the timing turned out to be very on. DH, my doula, and i left for the hospital at about quarter of 6. we were checked in, and i continued to labor on the birthing ball i brought from home (the hospitals' were too big). i was checked by a nurse at around 7:00, and she said she could not be sure what she felt--she seemed hesitant to say. so we waited for the doc to come check. the worst thing about this was that i really wanted to get into the tub and labor, but the doctor asked that i please wait until he could get there to check me. at this point, i was beginning to feel that the pain was very intense. but i breathed through contractions as i sat on DH's lap, and DH massaged my thighs while the doula talked me through it.
doctor came and checked at 7:30, and to everyone's astonishment, i had gone through transition. i was completely dilated and ready to push. the doctor congratulated me and said i was doing a wonderful job, as did all the nurses. i climbed into the tub to rest awhile, since i didn't feel pushy yet, and doctor was fine with that.
about 45 minutes later, i began to feel pushy and started pushing small pushes in the tub. my knees were getting sore (tub was kind of cramped), so i decided to get out and push on the toilet. i also emptied my bladder. i pushed in a wide range of positions: on the toilet, standing at the squat bar, hands and knees, supported squats with DH, even just on the floor on my knees. nurses and my OB were very supportive of this. after 3 hours i had made no progress. the nurse wanted to "coach" me by feeling my perineum while i pushed and giving feedback on whether i was bearing down most effectively, but by this point i was in so much pain, i literally could not stand to be touched there.
the doctor came to check--same thing. i practically ran away
so it was decided i could labor awhile longer (baby sounded fine) or opt for a c/s...my doula actually suggested that i get an epi at this point because i was completely out of control and fatigued with pain. her reasoning was perhaps the epi could help me rest an hour or so before starting pushing again. the pushing was 100 times more painful than any of the labor, and i was about to get the c/s before the doula suggested an epi. they had to run it by the doctor, who was fine with it because baby's heart tones sounded fine on the monitors.
so i got the epi, rested, and pushed for about 2 more hours. no real progress. doctor came to check me and found meconium...so it was c/s time. this is where everything gets crazy.
due to a prior abdominal surgery, i had scar tissue running the length of my abdomen. the surgery i'd had involved replacing part of my bladder with bowel, so bowel was covering much of my uterus as well. the doctor could not get in through the normal route and had to call in a team (he had already put it together earlier in the day in case i ended up needing a c/s) to help him get into my belly. it took over an hour to even find my uterus in all the adhesions and scar tisssue. the entire time, i was concerned that the baby had died. they didn't have a monitor on her, so a nurse finally put a sterile glove over a doppler and gave her a listen. she sounded okay, but the doctors were very obviously concerned about how long this was taking, and i was lying on the OR table literally trembling with fear, weeping.
the only way into my uterus was a vertical incision. this means, obviously, no VBAC ever. when they pulled the baby out, she was purple, wasn't breathing, and had to be resuscitated/suctioned. her APGARS were 3 and 8, so she improved very quickly, but it was nevertheless scary as hell for those first few minutes... DH and i had no idea if the baby would okay. she had aspirated meconium and ended up needing antibiotics for a couple of days...but she is completely, 100% fine now, thank god.
the worst part of it all, other than the obvious trauma of the delivery, is that the doctor told DH and me both separately that we should seriously consider whether to have any more children. because i can't VBAC, i would need this same scary surgery again. yes, it would be less scary in a controlled environment where c/s was planned for 38 weeks and baby was not in distress, but there are still the risks involved with messing in my abdomen--including perforating bowel or bladder.
i am exhausted from typing this out and have to go check on my baby. she is gorgeous, and i am completely in love with her, whatever happens in the future. but this birth will be a LOT to process, for both me and DH. we've already talked about seeing a counselor later on to process it and start talking a bit about our future as partners and parents...but all of that will have to come after i heal physically. i love being a mother so far, love breastfeeding my baby. that part is, thankfully, going splendidly.
thank all of you for all your support over the weeks. i'll be back!
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i had planned a drug-free hospital birth. i lost my mucus plug on saturday night at around 6:45 and noticed mild regular contractions starting about 7. they weren't letting up and were only growing more intense, so i called my doula around 9 and she said to eat something and try to relax...so DH picked up a pizza and i ate a little bit of it and some fruit.
around 10:30, contrax were still coming strong. my doula suggested i try to rest because this sounded like the real thing, and in case it was a long labor, i'd need my energy...
so i tried to climb into bed with DH, but only he could sleep. i took a shower and called my doula to come over. she arrived about midnight and we walked around the block a few times, intensifying contractions. we sat on the porch swing and talked for about an hour, then went inside and she helped me position myself over the birth ball and applied some counterpressure/massage to relieve som back labor i was having.
i then called my parents and asked them to leave to come for the birth at about 2 am. the drive for them was about 5 hours, and i thought the timing should be about right.
next, i called my doctor at around 3 am to let him know i was in labor--contrax were then coming about 3-4 minutes apart. they were pretty intense, but i was handling them, even talking and laughing between contractions. the doctor said i could either go to the hospital to be checked or continue to labor at home, since my water had not yet broken. my doula said it was difficult to tell when active labor had started because i never stopped talking between contractions, really.
we made a "plan" (tentative, of course) to go to the hospital around 6 am. i didn't want to be at home when my parents showed up because they have a rather difficult dog
well, the timing turned out to be very on. DH, my doula, and i left for the hospital at about quarter of 6. we were checked in, and i continued to labor on the birthing ball i brought from home (the hospitals' were too big). i was checked by a nurse at around 7:00, and she said she could not be sure what she felt--she seemed hesitant to say. so we waited for the doc to come check. the worst thing about this was that i really wanted to get into the tub and labor, but the doctor asked that i please wait until he could get there to check me. at this point, i was beginning to feel that the pain was very intense. but i breathed through contractions as i sat on DH's lap, and DH massaged my thighs while the doula talked me through it.doctor came and checked at 7:30, and to everyone's astonishment, i had gone through transition. i was completely dilated and ready to push. the doctor congratulated me and said i was doing a wonderful job, as did all the nurses. i climbed into the tub to rest awhile, since i didn't feel pushy yet, and doctor was fine with that.
about 45 minutes later, i began to feel pushy and started pushing small pushes in the tub. my knees were getting sore (tub was kind of cramped), so i decided to get out and push on the toilet. i also emptied my bladder. i pushed in a wide range of positions: on the toilet, standing at the squat bar, hands and knees, supported squats with DH, even just on the floor on my knees. nurses and my OB were very supportive of this. after 3 hours i had made no progress. the nurse wanted to "coach" me by feeling my perineum while i pushed and giving feedback on whether i was bearing down most effectively, but by this point i was in so much pain, i literally could not stand to be touched there.
the doctor came to check--same thing. i practically ran away
so it was decided i could labor awhile longer (baby sounded fine) or opt for a c/s...my doula actually suggested that i get an epi at this point because i was completely out of control and fatigued with pain. her reasoning was perhaps the epi could help me rest an hour or so before starting pushing again. the pushing was 100 times more painful than any of the labor, and i was about to get the c/s before the doula suggested an epi. they had to run it by the doctor, who was fine with it because baby's heart tones sounded fine on the monitors.
so i got the epi, rested, and pushed for about 2 more hours. no real progress. doctor came to check me and found meconium...so it was c/s time. this is where everything gets crazy.
due to a prior abdominal surgery, i had scar tissue running the length of my abdomen. the surgery i'd had involved replacing part of my bladder with bowel, so bowel was covering much of my uterus as well. the doctor could not get in through the normal route and had to call in a team (he had already put it together earlier in the day in case i ended up needing a c/s) to help him get into my belly. it took over an hour to even find my uterus in all the adhesions and scar tisssue. the entire time, i was concerned that the baby had died. they didn't have a monitor on her, so a nurse finally put a sterile glove over a doppler and gave her a listen. she sounded okay, but the doctors were very obviously concerned about how long this was taking, and i was lying on the OR table literally trembling with fear, weeping.
the only way into my uterus was a vertical incision. this means, obviously, no VBAC ever. when they pulled the baby out, she was purple, wasn't breathing, and had to be resuscitated/suctioned. her APGARS were 3 and 8, so she improved very quickly, but it was nevertheless scary as hell for those first few minutes... DH and i had no idea if the baby would okay. she had aspirated meconium and ended up needing antibiotics for a couple of days...but she is completely, 100% fine now, thank god.
the worst part of it all, other than the obvious trauma of the delivery, is that the doctor told DH and me both separately that we should seriously consider whether to have any more children. because i can't VBAC, i would need this same scary surgery again. yes, it would be less scary in a controlled environment where c/s was planned for 38 weeks and baby was not in distress, but there are still the risks involved with messing in my abdomen--including perforating bowel or bladder.
i am exhausted from typing this out and have to go check on my baby. she is gorgeous, and i am completely in love with her, whatever happens in the future. but this birth will be a LOT to process, for both me and DH. we've already talked about seeing a counselor later on to process it and start talking a bit about our future as partners and parents...but all of that will have to come after i heal physically. i love being a mother so far, love breastfeeding my baby. that part is, thankfully, going splendidly.
thank all of you for all your support over the weeks. i'll be back!
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