hbac coming up and not speaking with DH

[mamamoogs]

now i am gettin really nervous and too boot DH and myself are not talking lets just say he did something to really hurt my feelings and he feels justified in doing so ,
therefor he is not even sorry, so now i am questioning whether i even want him here for it or not, i mean my midwife is really nice and really capable but i don tknow how it will go with just her and no
DH, then again I keep telling myself i am a strong women and can birth my child without the help of someone who makes me sad and who had managed to upset me when i am 37 weeks pg, kwim?

any good advice how i may be able to go into alone with out depending on DH any words of wisdom anyone willing to share with me.
well thanks for reading...

[mommalama]

I am sorry that you are having to go through the extra stress of emotional issues with dh. I had a very emotional 2nd pregnancy with my husband (long story) and the day I gave birth to my third, my husband and I got into a big fight over something very lame (I can't even remember what). Men sometimes don't understand our emotions, especially in pregnancy, and somehow feel very justified in being right. My man is very logical, and if he thinks he is "right" than I am "wrong". It becomes about that, winning the argument. Most of the time I am just trying to convey how something he is doing or has done makes me feel. It has taken my husband a lot of growth to be supportive to me even if he doesn't agree with me or my feelings but just to show that he still cares for me. My advice would be to just keep showing him love, even though he may be treating you bad. Hopefully he will come around and realize how he has been treating you harshly or hurting you. My experience is that men need help in the feelings area. Sometimes just being the one to say something nice first will soften the other up. As a woman, it meant alot to me for my husband to understand me, but sometimes he just couldn't. If he didn't agree with me he would argue and make it worse. Whenever he was driving me nuts, I would try to talk to someone who could relate or understand for the sake of my sanity. That always seemed to help me relax.

[velcromom]

I agree with the pp! My dh was doing the same kinds of things and I had just got myself to a place where I said, it would be great if he comes around and is supportive during the birth but... I can do this regardless. It is a woman's journey, if I have supportive women at the birth I can do it. In the end, whether we are getting along or not, if his energy at the birth is negative, I don't want that around. But I don't think it'll play out that way because the midwives will be letting him know how to support me. I'd love him to be there and I do think it would be good in a lot of ways, but ultimately I'm doing it for the baby so who is or is not present will not change that.

I know that might sound cold and it's his baby too and all that, but there's still time and I bet he'll come around - right now maybe the impending birth and the reality of it all is hitting him, plus with the extra emotion of a pg mama in the mix, it's easy to argue and get hurt. It's hard for some men to hear about how we feel without thinking we are blaming them or telling them what to do. It might help to chat with your midwife, she may have a perspective on dads and homebirth that will help.

[ReneeC]

I don't know the details of you and DH's relationship or how serious/how long your issues have been going on...

But pregnancy/labor/birth are about the mother and the baby. If you feel that he will be unsupportive during labor, or a drain or distraction to you, it is better to not have him there. And having him there because you feel obligated (the "it's his baby" line of thinking) is putting him before you and the baby. IT'S NOT ABOUT HIM OR HIS FEELINGS. It's about what is best for you and the baby.

If it is what you want, I do hope that he comes around and realizes he is being hurtful. But there is nothing you can do to change him, he has to change himself, and he has to want to. I would recommend that you talk to your midwife about what is going on...mine had great advice for me. She helped me to realize that my STBX wasn't going to change and become a responsible, supportive person just because I wanted him to. And that having a second baby around to take care of wasn't going to make him be responsible if the first one didn't. As a matter of fact, it will just make things more difficult, having to deal with two small children PLUS a husband who offers no support and refuses to take responsibility--that's like having 3 kids to take care of, and one of them is bigger than me.


So sorry to hijack this thread like this. I really hope things work out for you and your DH if that is what you want, and if you decide it isn't what you want, YOU ARE a strong mama who can give birth to your child without having someone around who makes you sad and hurts your feelings!

[ebony_vbac]

me and dh have been fighting too. but i think labor is like one of those life events when it doesnt matter whatever happend before. like he will just be there for you as much as he can even if you were fighting before and you can work on your problems after the baby comes. i remember there was this friend i had that i wasnt speaking to when i was pregnant and when she came to visit me after i had the baby it was like i totally forgot i was mad and we didnt fight. suffice to say i never really saw her after that but anyway. you can plan on him not being there or being there but i think he will support you if hes there and if he doesnt jusk kick him out, or you can leave yourself and go to midwives house

[mamamilkers]

My DP and I broke up a week before our baby was born, so needless to say, he wasn't at the birth. I saw it coming, though, and prepared for it. My midwives knew what was up, I had two midwife assistants and two good friends at the birth. It was amazing, powerful experience (although not a c-section, my first was at the hospital).

You CAN get through it without him. Let people know what is going on and that you are going to need their support. Birth is too powerful an experience to have people there that are bringing you down.

IME pregnancy is such a hard, emotional, stressful time for women AND men. Now that I look back, I see that and see how f-ed up life was during that time. DP and I were able to reconcile, but we lost alot of time. I don't regret, though, going through the labor and birth without him. We just weren't in a space to do it together.

[mamamoogs]

thanks for your replies, the whole thing was i really didnt want to go through it without him, we have been together for twenty years and have a great relationship we just were fighting alot for the past few months , dont know why, but we have since made up and put all the crap in the past and hoping that our homebirth comes true, thanks again