Originally Posted by DaffyDaphne
Originally Posted by DaffyDaphne
It didn't sound to me like the biomom implied OP's son was a predator. I think one would have to be ultra defensive to take it that way. To me, it is so common-sense reasonable a request, and does not assume anything untoward about any of the parties involved. It simply speaks to a knowledge of human nature and being present in the here and now.
Also, your defensiveness for the OP calls into question whether or not it was clear to you that I was referring to you with my comments, Daphne? Not just the OP... so please, don't paint my remarks as being directed at the OP, and not moreso, at yourself and your posts. I say this because your defensiveness there exaggerates the kernal of my message to the OP, while deflecting it away from you.
Um, I'm really not feeling defensive at all. I know it's hard to "hear" tone on a message board, but truly, I think we're just discussing, ya know?
I addressed, I thought, specifically your comments about the OP and moved on to your comments about me (assumptions which were kind of startlingly outrageous, imo, since you have no idea how or whether I've accommodated my stepson's mother on this sort of issue or even larger ones...) so I really don't see how I'm "deflecting" anything
In a nutshell:
1) My problem is much
less with biomom's request than with the many people on this thread that have insisted she has need or obligation to speak to her exhusband or his wife about her reasons. I've said over and over that if there is a problem it SHOULD be addressed, and all kids should be protected, and that can only happen if BOTH sides are honest and open with one another, not one side, bio-mom, simply issuing a request without explanation and expecting it to be followed simply because she said so.
2) No, the biomom does not
have an inalienable right as the primary custodial parent to dictate what goes on in her exhusbands home. When the child is in his custodial care, he is the child's custodial parent and has the right and obligation to make parenting decisions. Hopefully, both
parents will listen to one another and respect one another's opinions and desire when the child is in the other parent's custody.
3) It bothers me a bit that the stepchild is not considered a real part of the family, it seems, by some posters here. My stepson is a vital and important part of our family, beloved by my husband and his sisters, and the thought of (without good reason articulated honestly between the parents)
pushing him "out" into "other" status is heartbreaking to me.
4) Everyone has a right to set the rules in their own home, even ex-spouses and evil stepmoms. As I've said, I think it's unrealistic and damaging to the family unit to expect that the children will never
be allowed to interact naturally. No watching a movie in the basement, no riding bikes in the park, no going on a bughunt in the woods, without a parent watching eagle eyed lest something untoward occur.
5) Last, a true sexual predator doesn't need a closed door and a bed to molest -- nor do normally "explorative' kids need them. The little boy next door is just as likely -- indeed, more likely -- to show the little girl his pee-pee, the school bus driver just as likely to pat her bottom, the gym coach just as likely to peep into the dressing room. Why is all the attention on keeping stepsiblings away from each other unless, again, there is specific information or evidence that these two particular children may explore or become exploitative? It's unrealistic, and punitive, and unless we want to raise our beautiful daughters in cocoons, I think it's better to empower them with defensive skills, including "tell an adult," "uncomfortable touches," etc. than to try to orchestrate perfectly natural interactions with family members from afar.