My brother really bothered me yesterday!(vent)

[mama2rey]

I was talking to my brother about my pregnancy yesterday, and I told him about the circumstances of my pregnancy. Basically, I got pregnant using a known donor who is going to be involved in my baby's life. Our donor is also gay. My brother's reaction was soooooo stupid! First he says in a very arrogant way "Don't worry, I'll be a good heterosexual male role model!" It shocked me, and since my brother lives in Puerto Rico (I'm in Chicago), I just blurted out, don't worry we are fine with our role models.

Then my brother has the gall to tell me that I am being very cruel to my child because basically I am setting him/her up to be gay. First apparently I live in a gay bubble, and my child won't see heterosexual people ever, and then since both bio dad, and myself are gay then this child has a high likelihood of being gay, and that I should know better.

I am so shocked! First of all, I don't see being gay as a bad thing. Second of all, my child will be exposed to so many people, and will have so many role models. Third, I frankly don't give a rats a&*^ if my child is gay, straight, both-frankly I want him/her to be happy.

I responded by saying these things above, but also asking him to replace any marginalized group with gay and see how stupid that sounds. People of color are marginalized, so should everyone strive to be white and have white kids just because it might be hard to be a person of color? Using that logic, since I am Latina, and a lesbian, I should have made a better donor choice by using a white heterosexual person-it is just so stupid!!!!

[beckyand3littlemonsters]

[FtMPapa]

I've been told, more or less, quite similar things. By people who should know better.

I've been told that my child is doomed to grow up being confused about gender, and how will that work, anyway, that my kid knows that hir papa was pregnant and gave birth to hir?

This is by people who are queer and have known me, and known I'm trans for *years*.

Even other trans people have said things to me about how my child is so likely to be born with birth defects, and how it's unlikely I will get pregnant anyway, since my ovaries are probably shot.

This is after I explained to someone that my own personal sense that everything is fine, plus my doctor, my doctor with a strong interest in fertility, a midwife, my OBGYN, and my fertility specialist at the fertility clinic had all told me everything looks good and there's no reason to believe that I won't get pregnant this summer.

I have also had another friend express relief that I'm not finding an MTF trans person to donate the gametes that I need. "Because then your kid will be really confused! How do you explain that?"

And nobody has understood my disappointment and the difficult decision I have made to go with an anonymous donor from the sperm bank, after considering over a long time, four separate known donors, all of whom are gay men. I made the decision to go with the bank because of convenience, safety, and for legal reasons, in spite of the fact that I would really like to have known donor, preferably a gay man - the health and safety of my family is more important. I know that all the sperm bank donors are supposed to be straight, which is a bit of a disappointment, although I don't actually think that genetics has much, if any, bearing on sexual orientation and gender identity.

You're not alone in this - people will continue to tell you, and I, some fucked up shit. And it never actually ends.

I know two mums who have been parenting for over ten years, but when their baby boy was born less than two years ago, their ability to parent was questioned, even though they had been doing it for eight years, because the new baby is male and their other two are girls. Apparently it's Ok for queer mums to raise girls, but not boys.

The good news is that you do get better at dealing with it, from my experience, and from what I've seen others go through.

Hang in there, and don't let 'em get to you!

[amymarie]

that sucks you have to hear that stuff from your brother.....keep your head up and vent here whenever you want.....dealing with family can be harder than strangers sometimes.....most of my family think of me as a freak and i don't even want to know what they say about me behind my back....i know i am doing a good job raising my dd and thats all that matters....

[mama2rey]

Thanks for the responses. My brother is most of the time pretty supportive, so it surprised me that he was acting so stupid. I ended up sending him an email and he apologized. However, he still said these things.

People are really really stupid about things that they don't know. It's almost like people making judgement calls about who gets to reproduce...

[wemoon]

I have not had many people say dumb comments to me, but I do panels on campus and have had some interesting questions, like do I think my kids will grow up to be gay. I don't take offense because I'm putting myself in that situation to try to educate and I think that awareness is just not reaching the general public very well.

[lexbeach]

You can always quote the studies . . . Studies have shown that children of queer parents are no more likely to be queer themselves than children of straight parents. HOWEVER, children of queer parents ARE more likely to experiment with others of the same sex, and to have a much easier time coming out if they are queer.

Lex

[gamitzer]

I feel for you. I think our brothers are similar. My brother is accepting and is normally respectful of our choices; however, I'm sure he has been thrown for a loop with the pregnancy. I've found that some people who have never been a minority in any way have a harder time putting themselves in my shoes. My MIL is that way, and I just try to ignore it. She has said some crazy stuff to my wife about me/GLBT stuff/my religion that shows complete ignorance. I wouldn't mind so much if she did any research about things at all, but she doesn't. She just has nutty, unjustified opinions.

I don't know if it will help or hurt to know this, but the comments/questions will never stop. We celebrated mother's day at a friend's house this weekend, and at least two people asked who would "get to be the mother" on Mother's Day. I try to use each question/comment as a learning experience, but wow, there are a lot of people that don't think before they speak.

[mean_jeannie]

Many hugs to you. And then, congratulations on your pregnancy! I wanted to chime in because I am the daughter of my homosexual (ooh, and Puerto Rican!) mother. I think it is irrelevant that I am heterosexual - what is more important is that my mother and her partner are wonderful parents and I am a wonderful result of their guidance and good parenting. I have a great relationship with my father as well. (Conceived the old-fashioned way - how scandalous! )

Good luck, best wishes, and poop on your brother. Keep exposing him and I think he will see the light.

xo

[Grettal]

Sorry you had that happen. Family can be so just plain stupid sometimes. I haven't talked to my brother or my SIL for going on 2 years. Yah, they totally think that we have done the most horrible thing to DS for bringing him into the world in our horrible environment. That he'll be so messed up and so on. As for my other brother, he is civil, as is his wife, but we don't ever talk about anything like this with them. I don't really know where they stand to be honest. Then there are the folks. I can't hardly begin ti describe their reactions. All I can say is that they have some really mixed up, don't know where in the heck that crap came from, kind of thinking. Mom is better than dad but she still has some pretty mixed up perceptions of what we are all about.

Congrats on your little one on the way and best of luck to everyone here with your families of origin...

[mamimapster]

It can be hard, but I would give it a little time, sometimes things do get better when babe is actually here. I NEVER would have guessed that some family members would be active in Dd's life who are, and have dealt with their own homophobia (and machismo even!) in the process.

[mama2rey]

Thanks everyone! People can make really dumb comments. Now something else that is happening is that people are acting as if DP is not a mother. Someone actually said to her that it would not be the same because she isn't biologically related to the baby. It's stupid-so do parents who adopt not have as close ties to their children? I think that we have to figure out how we are going to handle dumb comments for the rest of our lives!

[Diane B]

Originally Posted by expectantmami

Someone actually said to her that it would not be the same because she isn't biologically related to the baby. It's stupid-so do parents who adopt not have as close ties to their children?

Actually, people DO say and think that - even sometimes on MDC.

The best advice I ever got about dumb comments (and trust me, as a transracial adoptive family, we've gotten our share) is to answer as if your child was listening (because pretty soon, they will be.) Don't worry about the questioner, but give the answer that you want your child to hear.

The second best piece of advice was to respect my daughter's privacy, and not share too much information. This means that details about her birth circumstances, history, etc., while we talk about them frequently at home, are not for public discussion (or discussion with clueless family members.)

[Inci]

Expectantmami, I'm sorry you're having to deal with such homophobic ignorance! It hurts even more when it comes from people whom we trusted and wouldn't have expected it from.
I think Diane's advice (answering the dumb comments as if your child was listening) is excellent.

[ebony]

Originally Posted by lexbeach

You can always quote the studies . . . Studies have shown that children of queer parents are no more likely to be queer themselves than children of straight parents. HOWEVER, children of queer parents ARE more likely to experiment with others of the same sex, and to have a much easier time coming out if they are queer.

Lex

And to add to the above, girls raised by lesbians (I'm not sure if they included gay dads in this) are more likely to choose non-traditional female careers, e.g., engineering.

[ebony]

Originally Posted by expectantmami

Thanks everyone! People can make really dumb comments. Now something else that is happening is that people are acting as if DP is not a mother. Someone actually said to her that it would not be the same because she isn't biologically related to the baby. It's stupid-so do parents who adopt not have as close ties to their children? I think that we have to figure out how we are going to handle dumb comments for the rest of our lives!

Yeah, I've heard this one, though not with me, as my son was conceived in a hetero relationship because I didn't come out until later.

My cousin and her dp have a one year old and there has been some concern about the non-bio mom's family not really seeing the baby as part of their family. However, I think most of them have come around.

As for your brother, geez. Sadly, a lot of people think this way, even those who don't say it. But, as someone else mentioned, see how he behaves once the babe is here.

Congrats on your pregnancy!!!

[GinaRae]

I think it was my DDC recently that a mama was told to stop calling her baby SHE because if it's a boy, it will make him gay. I guess I live in a bubble because I am often surprised that in today's world people are so stupid about these things. It makes it that much worse when, as another PP said, it's coming from someone you trust. Sorry he said those things!

[gamitzer]

Originally Posted by GinaRae

I think it was my DDC recently that a mama was told to stop calling her baby SHE because if it's a boy, it will make him gay.

Yikes! We're in the same DDC. That really sucks. :

[GinaRae]

Originally Posted by gamitzer

Yikes! We're in the same DDC. That really sucks. :

Just to clarify, it wasn't someone IN our DDC that said that! It was someone IRL who said something to a woman in our DDC.

[gamitzer]

Oh good to know! Thanks! I was surprised when I read it, but then thought, well, there's always one mean person who will say something rude. I've found MDC to be really open and accepting, so I'm glad it was not something said online.