11 yr-old stepdaughter and acrylic nails

[ceggert]

Hello,

Wondering if anyone can offer advice on how to deal with this situation that is causing huge stress in our household.

I am in a blended family situation with my DH's 11 yr-old daughter who just came home with acrylic nails. My 12 yr. old has been asking for them forever and our reply has always been "no way." Maybe for prom when she is 17, but she is a kid and she should not try to grow up so fast... Now that his daughter came home with them, she acts like she has one-upped my daughter and my daughter is upset. My DH and I have told his child that we do not approve of them and that they are not appropriate for an 11 year-old. His daughter's response to us is "well they are my nails and I can do what I want with them." It is pointless to argue with his ex on the issue because she refuses to coparent and refuses give on any of our issues or concerns. If we take her during our custodial time and have them removed, his ex will have them put right back on. It is difficult trying to explain the situation with my daughter as she sees it as unfair (as if we allowed it), and is causing lots of resentment with her relationship with her step sister. As with many other issues, she feels that her step sister always gets her way because she knows how to manipulate both parents and households to get what she wants.

Besides the acrylic nails, she came home wearing a pink VS "Hot, hot hot" tee shirt that did not fit her because she is only 11. I am afraid next time she will come home with bleached blond hair and thong underwear.

Any ideas on how to address this? I feel like my DH just does not want to deal with it because he is afraid to piss off his daughter.

Thanks,
Ruby

[Attached2Elijah]

Honestly, I would just tell your daughter that just because SD gets away with it doesn't mean she can. You are not her mother so you can not make all the rules for her, however you can for your own daughter. Just because another girl at school or where ever gets something doesn't mean your daughter does... same scenerio. If she doesn't like it, well... bluntly, tough! That's how life is sometimes... My step-kids get a lot of things I don't agree with and that my kids will NEVER get... that's life.

[pinksprklybarefoot]

If your dh has a problem with the nails and the parents have joint legal custody, he should have them removed. It is expensive to have them put on, so eventually bm will get sick of paying for it.

As far as clothing goes, she can have appropriate clothing to wear at your house that stays at your house.

To make your daughter feel better, what if you took her to get a manicure? That is pretty inexpensive and looks age-appropriate, especially if you limit the color choices. In fact, you could take both girls together and DSD could get a manicure after her nails are removed.

[offwing]

It is one of the unfortunate aspects of being a child of divorce that you really can't mitigate, step-siblings often have "better" rules.

The only thing you can do is reinforce that your rules are your rules and that is that. The important thing here is not the nails, who really cares about the nails one way or another?

The important aspect of this is that you are demonstrating to your 11 year old that your rules are not subject to outside influence, that they are made for a reason, that she is expected to comply with them wether or not she understands those reasons fully and that you are serious about them and cannot be dissauded from them by complaining, whining or huffy behavior.

Of course that means that you actually do have to think your rules through! Deciding which things are important and which ones can be flexible is probably one of the trickier aspects of parenting pre-teens and teens.

Personally, I would consider lightening up on the nails things. 17 is a long time to wait. They don't have to look like the belong on a hooker! A nice short length, french tip nail set is very demure.

Maybe you can find a middle ground with your daughter that allows you to demonstrate that your rules are important but also recognizes her desire to look "pretty and grown up".

[Oriole]

Her father needs to ask his daughter to remove them. Rules are rules. He needs to sit down with her, and explain to her calmly why expectations what they are at his house, that he believes it is not appropriate for her age, and while you can't really command what's going on outside your house, she needs to respect your rules while she's with you.

While we do not have a child together, but when we pick up DSD she knows what's expected: no flip flops in the rain, bright nail polish comes off, revealing clothes is not ok at her age, etc.

The key is to keep it simple and calm. Best of luck!

[kyangel80]

I read no other responses. I am a Nail Tech too btw, and I think 11 is too young. That's just a personal opinion though, and not a professional one. What kind of nails are we talking here? Are they monstrously long and unnatural looking? You said your daughter was 12, can she grow her own nails? If I were you this is what I would recommend. I think that making this about the other child is the wrong thing to do, so my suggestion to you is to address the issue with your child, which is that she would like to have nails too. I'm guessing that you wouldn't have anything against her growing her own nails out of course.

If she want's to grow her nails out I would be glad to give you some easy suggestions and recc. some products that can be purchased by non-professionals. I think this will help to dispell some of the tention for your daughter.

Blessings-

ETA: I don't suggest that your dh make an issue out of this unless the nails are "too long" or "too loud". The bottom line is its very diffucult when parenting with an XP or XS to agree on these types of issues. It would be best to leave the child out of it, as the 'real' power struggle is between the parents, yk? Go to mediation or go to court, but don't get the kid too involved. Just my .02.

[fuzzycat]

[QUOTE=pinksprklybarefoot;8137460]If your dh has a problem with the nails and the parents have joint legal custody, he should have them removed. It is expensive to have them put on, so eventually bm will get sick of paying for it.
QUOTE]

I would not go this route. If your DH has a problem with the nails then he should talk to her mother about them. It is unfair to put DSD in the middle. Also, I do not think it is a good co-parenting policy to deliberately antagonize your step-daughter's mother. I know it can be annoying when you have different parenting styles, but as long as she is not putting her daughter in harms way then she has the right to parent as she sees fit.
As far as you own daughter goes...when we run into situations like this we just apply the different house/different rules policy. I also like the idea of getting her a manicure...everyone can use a little pampering now and again.
FC

[mtiger]

Originally Posted by Oriole

Hno flip flops in the rain

O/T - what's wrong with flip-flops in the rain?

[nataliachick7]

Originally Posted by mtiger

O/T - what's wrong with flip-flops in the rain?

:

[Oriole]

Once DSD came over wearing flip flops and it the next day we had snow mixed with rain. Cold weather - appropriate clothing/shoes.
*shrug* Am I alone on this one?

[pinksprklybarefoot]

Originally Posted by fuzzycat

I would not go this route. If your DH has a problem with the nails then he should talk to her mother about them. It is unfair to put DSD in the middle. Also, I do not think it is a good co-parenting policy to deliberately antagonize your step-daughter's mother.
FC

I didn't say this to antagonize the BM, it just got the feeling that the two bioparents don't discuss things at all from the OP (Not that this is good policy, but that is probably another thread). If the two bioparents can discuss it and come to an agreement, then that is of course the best possible solution. It just didn't seem like that was the case.

[Flor]

I don't know what to say, but I have been thinking about this issue. Even though our houses are different, we haven't had many clothing issues, though perhaps it is easier with a boy, but I really have never said "no" to something ds wanted to wear. The only thing I can think of is I insist on socks with tennis shoes (socks get washed, but shoes don't = sticky teen boy shoes), but when he comes home from his mom's house with no socks I don't tell him to go put socks on. I think it is one of those things about blended families-- for better or worse, we aren't the sole maker of the rules. We try not to interfere with the biomom's rules as long as they don't have to do with safety. When it comes to clothes, food choices, even tv and movies, I just think it is a value judgement. When we decided to divorce or marry a person with an ex spouse, we have to realize that our biological children will be influnced by a child whose upbringing I don't have complete control over (dss) and that I will have a child in my family who has slightly different rules for part of the time. I'm ok with that.

Of course, I might mention something to the biomom on the off chance that she just didn't realize the situation or something, but after that. . .

[angelpie545]

Honestly, I don't see what the big deal is over acrylic nails is. I get if they are long and hookerish, but if they are short and nicely done, what's the big deal? Is it the price? That I can understand I suppose. 17 really IS a long time to wait. FWIW, I let my six year old daughter wear fun little fake nails, nothing too expensive, just stuff that we bought from the drugstore, for fun. She isn't allowed to wear them to school, for around the house and on playdates is fine with me. Perhaps you could compromise and let her buy some from the store? They are usually fairly cheap and easy to put on/remove, and come in a variety of lengths, both long and short, some are very classy. Personally, I'd pick the larger battles-it seems kind of silly to make a big deal out of nails. If she came home in a mini-skirt and a belly shirt, I could see making a big deal, but nails? I think it's better to give on the small stuff, and save the big battles for the stuff that really matters.

About the step daughter, I'd explain to your daughter that over at bio-moms' house, the rules are different, and that is between your dh and her(your stepdaughter's) mother. If you dh feels strongly about your stepdaughter not having the nails done, then he needs to talk with his ex about it. Whatever they decide together will be the final decision. I know that it is really hard to step back and do that, but I really think that in this situation it would be the best course of action given the circumstances.

[bettyboopbikermom]

A little late to the party but I would have them removed. I would have DAD say that they are not allowed in his home. I would have them removed and have both girls nails and toes painted instead. 8) They are bad for her nail bed, and all together unhealthy and inappropriate. Eventually the Ex will stop paying to put them on if you keep taking them off.

[the_lissa]

I'm really surprised at these responses.

[fuzzycat]

Originally Posted by the_lissa

I'm really surprised at these responses.

Just curious...in what way?
Are you surprised that people think acrylic nails are inappropriate for a 12 year old year? Or the advice on how to deal with the situation?
FC

[offwing]

I gotta say, I think a lot of parents would consider having the nails removed without saying a word about it as a direct slap in the face and would not be too pleasant about it.

I think when co-parenting, especially if it isn't too cooperative a relationship, you have to pick and choose your battles. Obviously there are issues that are so important (something dangerous or harmful to the child) that you go the whole distance and who cares if the other parent is pissed.

But the nails really don't sound like that kind of situation. Personally, I would attempt to find some compromise first.

[angelpie545]

Originally Posted by fuzzycat

Just curious...in what way?
Are you surprised that people think acrylic nails are inappropriate for a 12 year old year? Or the advice on how to deal with the situation?
FC

I don't know about her, but I was personally very surprised that so many people think acrylic nails are inappropriate for a 12 year old. I've never thought of them as too "grown up" in any way...so I guess I am trying to find out what the big deal is about nails? I can understand how overtly sexual clothing and too much make-up can be considered too "grown up", but I guess I just don't see what the deal is about nails. In step and blended families they are so many other issues to deal with I don't understand why nails are such a big issue. I think it's rather silly to make a big deal out of them.

[the_lissa]

I am surprised at the suggestions that seem antogonistic to the other parent of the 11 year old.

I am surprised that some parents don't let 11 year old children have more control over their bodies. I remember dying my hair, getting a perm, and shaving my legs at 11.

I also don't see the big deal of wearing flip flops in the cold. I wear sandals even in "inappropriate" weather.

[kyangel80]

Originally Posted by pinksprklybarefoot

I didn't say this to antagonize the BM, it just got the feeling that the two bioparents don't discuss things at all from the OP (Not that this is good policy, but that is probably another thread). If the two bioparents can discuss it and come to an agreement, then that is of course the best possible solution. It just didn't seem like that was the case.

Originally Posted by bettyboopbikermom

A little late to the party but I would have them removed. I would have DAD say that they are not allowed in his home. I would have them removed and have both girls nails and toes painted instead. 8) They are bad for her nail bed, and all together unhealthy and inappropriate. Eventually the Ex will stop paying to put them on if you keep taking them off.

I'm wondering......do you guys co-parent this way?
Me and X don't discuss, he refuses. If he does something that I disapprove of I don't remedy the situation by doing exactly the opposite enough times that he gets the point. This rarely works out very good IME.

It's unfortuneate that X spouses often don't communicate/agree on how to parent, but it's a reality of divorce. The solution is rarely doing the opposite of the other parent to get a point across. In these situations you learn to leave well enough alone, yk?

Certain issues have to take a front seat, and have to be discussed......but nails......I don't know about that.......