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11 yr-old stepdaughter and acrylic nails - Page 2

post #21 of 50
Word to the PP.

And to the OP, straight up - not your department.

It will serve no purpose whatsoever to fret about something that is completely out of your control. Its like fretting about the weather, pointless unless you like to create alot of stress. There is no one to blame, trying to find someone to blame is another pointless exercise. It is ok that your daughters have different parents. They are both old enough to understand that. If the one is 'flaunting' in front of the other, that to me seems like a character issue and not an issue of acrylic nails, YKWIM? If the one who is under your authority is really upset by this and refuses to accept the 'unfairness'..... again, this seems more like a character issue than an issue of fingernails.

my two,
-anj119
post #22 of 50
:

I totally think that the issue is not the nails, but that it is more about control. I have step children that have different moms so it is interesting the things that come our way over here. We have different opinions about appropriate clothing, hair styles, and school performance. There are always times when one dsc does something at their moms that we forbid and then the other kids hear about it. All we do is let them know how we feel about it and move on. We let the kids know that they are old enough to know right from wrong and what we expect of them no matter where they are. I admit it must be hard for them getting two messages from two households, but kids know right...it is internally ingrained. Giving the situation more attention will only give the BM what she wants which is control. Your DSS is probably just defending her mom. This will not be the last issue from what it sounds like. You just have to tell your daughter what you believe , tell your DSS your beliefs and leave it at that. Anything more is just giving BM more power over you, your household, and your emotions and is totally not worth. Trust me, I have learned this the hard way.
post #23 of 50
Maybe the nails were a huge reward for something? At 12, I was getting manicures with my babysitting money. For the record, removing the fake nails will leave your SD with VERY thin nail beds, and should not be done until her nails grow out quite a bit.

And for the record... I wear my chacos in every kind of weather, and my children decide what shoes they want to wear. After flip-flops in the snow, or Wellies in 90* weather, they start to learn some natural consequences of foot wear choices.
post #24 of 50
Quote:
Originally Posted by pinksprklybarefoot View Post
If your dh has a problem with the nails and the parents have joint legal custody, he should have them removed. It is expensive to have them put on, so eventually bm will get sick of paying for it.

As far as clothing goes, she can have appropriate clothing to wear at your house that stays at your house.

To make your daughter feel better, what if you took her to get a manicure? That is pretty inexpensive and looks age-appropriate, especially if you limit the color choices. In fact, you could take both girls together and DSD could get a manicure after her nails are removed.


I think this is all great advice. I would definitely keep appropriate clothing at your house for her to wear when she's with you guys. And the manicures for both girls are a fabulous idea.
post #25 of 50
just a quick question, lets say op follows the above advice and has the semi permanent acrylic nails forcibly removed (which by the way is going to be expensive, just as it was expensive to have them put on -PLEASE, do not attempt to remove them yourself, it is very painful and if not done correctly a danger of infection!) so, what was i asking....... oh yes, OK so what if the op does decide to counter this nails thing by doing what is suggested by the above poster: have them removed and hope that bio-mom will not want to fork out the cash for a new set....... what if she does have them removed?

Then, who is it who is served by this?
In whose best interest is it to have them taken off?
Who benefits positively from this?

The child?

'nuff said.

-anj119
post #26 of 50
Quote:
For the record, removing the fake nails will leave your SD with VERY thin nail beds, and should not be done until her nails grow out quite a bit.
Yeah. You don't want to go back and forth with your DSD's nails. If you take them off and her Mom puts them back on it will ruin her nails which is basically punishing her. I think step daughter is just stuck in the middle. If her mother took her, I don't see how she can be forced to have them removed. You need to make your own rules for your own daughter. Personally if I was your daughter I would much rather have a regular manicure but that's just me.

The real problem is between your DH and the Ex. They need to have a conversation about what they each feel is appropriate for daughter. Unfortunately that doesn't always work.
post #27 of 50
I grew up in a blended family and am raising one. I don't have step children, but my children have a step father and a half-sibling on the way. When we got custody of the boys I was able to get a clause built into the agreement that I have final say on all issues that are in dispute. I have full custody, but he has liberal visitation rights (alternate weekends, alternate major holidays, 4 weeks in the summer).

When issues have come up about things the boys are allowed and not allowed to do I have gently, politely put my foot down. Acrylic nails aren't an issue for us, but violent video games are. Their father was letting them play "Far Cry" which is a very detailed realistic war game with lots of blood and realistic violence. It is rated M for mature. At the time the boys were 10, 7 & 5. He allowed even the 5yo to play this game. I made the rule that we do not have rated M games or R movies for the children. He seems to be sticking too it.

Personally, I think acrylic nails are ugly, even "tacky" but maybe they are fashionable in some places. That's just personal taste and opinion. I wouldn't make an issue of that. I try to respect my children's right to have bad taste, while influencing them to make choices I like better. They often wear things I'm not crazy about, but within limits.

Acrylic nails are also extremely unhygenic. People who work in the food industry are not supposed to have them. If a health inspector sees someone in McDonald's wearing them, that goes down as a health code violation. Until recently I worked at Barnes & Noble, and this is something that happened in our Cafe. Bacteria can get in under the fake nails. They can also lead to nasty yeast infections that can destroy a persons natural nails and the tissue that grow natural nails. They can cause irreversible damage. This I would fight over.

If a child or step child came to my house with them I'd march them straight down to the salon and have the things removed, each and every time. I'd probably let them pick out two or three crazy colors of nail polish, and decals, even if they were horribly ugly, to let the child express themselves, but make it clear that the acrylic things are not healthy.

I hope that helps!

Kiley
post #28 of 50
I would handle this the same way I'd handle a classmate or friend who's mother had different rules than you.

Yes, she's your stepdaughter, but she still has a different mother than your DD does, and you can't control what her other mother allows her to do. It's reasonable to ask her to change her clothes when she comes to your home if she's wearing something you deem innapropriate, but something semi-permenant such as acrylic nails or hair color you can't really control.
post #29 of 50
Quote:
If a child or step child came to my house with them I'd march them straight down to the salon and have the things removed, each and every time.
This would also not be healthy for the nails.
post #30 of 50
This doesn't sound like something to stress out about. I'd let it go.

There will be coparting issues that will be far more important to your family - save yourself for those battles. Acrylic nails are well within a normal range of different family's choices (in your household, 11 is too young, in your biomon's household, 11 is not too young. So you dd doesn't get the nails and your sd does. No big deal. Your dd has to learn sooner or later that different moms have different rules. And if sd is holding it over dd, than that is a sibling issue best left to them to has out.)

Good luck.
post #31 of 50
Quote:
Originally Posted by mom3b1? View Post
I grew up in a blended family and am raising one. I don't have step children, but my children have a step father and a half-sibling on the way. When we got custody of the boys I was able to get a clause built into the agreement that I have final say on all issues that are in dispute. I have full custody, but he has liberal visitation rights (alternate weekends, alternate major holidays, 4 weeks in the summer).

When issues have come up about things the boys are allowed and not allowed to do I have gently, politely put my foot down. Acrylic nails aren't an issue for us, but violent video games are. Their father was letting them play "Far Cry" which is a very detailed realistic war game with lots of blood and realistic violence. It is rated M for mature. At the time the boys were 10, 7 & 5. He allowed even the 5yo to play this game. I made the rule that we do not have rated M games or R movies for the children. He seems to be sticking too it.

Personally, I think acrylic nails are ugly, even "tacky" but maybe they are fashionable in some places. That's just personal taste and opinion. I wouldn't make an issue of that. I try to respect my children's right to have bad taste, while influencing them to make choices I like better. They often wear things I'm not crazy about, but within limits.

Acrylic nails are also extremely unhygenic. People who work in the food industry are not supposed to have them. If a health inspector sees someone in McDonald's wearing them, that goes down as a health code violation. Until recently I worked at Barnes & Noble, and this is something that happened in our Cafe. Bacteria can get in under the fake nails. They can also lead to nasty yeast infections that can destroy a persons natural nails and the tissue that grow natural nails. They can cause irreversible damage. This I would fight over.

If a child or step child came to my house with them I'd march them straight down to the salon and have the things removed, each and every time. I'd probably let them pick out two or three crazy colors of nail polish, and decals, even if they were horribly ugly, to let the child express themselves, but make it clear that the acrylic things are not healthy.

I hope that helps!

Kiley
I just wanted to chime in here and say that I am a Nail Tech, I think I mentioned that before. Anyway, I think that acrylic nails are perfectly safe, though I don't wear them myself and also don't do them.

However, to the pp, if the nails are done properly they are merely an extension of the natural nail and would perform no differently. I hope that what you are saying is that long nails are a health hazard and not that all artificial enhancements are? I mean unless you want to get into the chemistry part, that could be considered a little toxic.
post #32 of 50
I think if it were my family, I would have DSD CUT the false nails to an appropriate length, and discuss that her dad and I do not feel that artificial enhancement is appropriate at her age while she cuts and files them (trust me a tedious chore!)

As for the clothes, I think setting clear guidelines for what is accepted at your home is a good standard, especially before your DD and DSD get into thongs and belly shirts on their own. If she came over in something appropriate, she would change into something acceptable and you would hold the item, (maybe giving it back to bm at the transfer, e.g. "we don't allow the girls to wear spaghetti straps at our home, ")

I like the idea of taking DD for a manicure, maybe waiting until DSD is back with bm and using it as a discussion on what is appropriate at her age, i.e. a $10 manicure with lavender polish, not a $30 set of acryllic nails very long and painted hooker red!

Just my thoughts.
post #33 of 50
Quote:
Originally Posted by kyangel80 View Post
I just wanted to chime in here and say that I am a Nail Tech, I think I mentioned that before. Anyway, I think that acrylic nails are perfectly safe, though I don't wear them myself and also don't do them.

However, to the pp, if the nails are done properly they are merely an extension of the natural nail and would perform no differently. I hope that what you are saying is that long nails are a health hazard and not that all artificial enhancements are? I mean unless you want to get into the chemistry part, that could be considered a little toxic.

Perhaps there is newer nail technology that is not quite as big a hazard as what I've seen. I've known people with severely damaged nails (yellow and gooey from fungus) because of acrylic nails. The fungus was trapped underneath and ruined not just the nail, but the ability to grow healthy nails again. If there is a way to do them that is completely safe, then yes I'd agree it's just a style issue, not something to fight about. I don't bring up style issues to my ex, but I will bring up things that relate to my children's health. I usually also consult with their Doctor to see for sure how much of an issue needs to be made.

About nails: When I worked at Barnes & Noble (until this April) we had a Cafe. According to our local health code acrylic nails were not allowed to be worn by anyone handling food. All employees serving coffee and pastry in the cafe were required to remove their nails or seek other employement. There was plenty of purple hair, and unusual body peircing in fashion amoung the Cafe Staff, but nails were not allowed. When the health inspector found an employee acrylic nails serving coffee we lost points on our inspection and they began policing it very carefully. Booksellers could wear nails. This applied to long and short nails. So, there must be some risk or have been, a history of risk. My understanding is that bacteria and fungus live under the nail.

It may be that the code is behind the times, and the risk is lower. I'm sure if a salon is hygenic, and the nail wearer is hygenic, the nails are not as risky. Rules like these are often made for the lowest common denominator.

If I thought my step daugher was at risk of the yellow gooey fungus that I've seen in friends and aquaintences nails, I'd have them removed. If it was only a fashion thing, I'd probably let it go.

Kiley
post #34 of 50
Quote:
Originally Posted by Brilliantmama View Post
As for the clothes, I think setting clear guidelines for what is accepted at your home is a good standard, especially before your DD and DSD get into thongs and belly shirts on their own.
I like the idea of taking DD for a manicure, maybe waiting until DSD is back with bm and using it as a discussion on what is appropriate at her age, i.e. a $10 manicure with lavender polish, not a $30 set of acryllic nails very long and painted hooker red!

Just my thoughts.
Thank God I have boys! Maybe I do want this next one to be another boy after all! I wasn't even allowed to have Barbie Dolls as a kid, and we were always meticulously dressed, OR ELSE. That was probably the only thing my parents agreed on! My sister and I used to try to sneak out to school in "play clothes" and Mom would catch us every time. No casual t-shirts, no empty belt loops, hair put up.... If I could have had purple nail polish I would have been over the moon, though I don't think it was invented yet when I was a girl. We did get manicures for special occasion, but only subtle shades of pink for polish.

Compared to how I was raised my boys have it easy. I let them wear t-shirts and jeans to school as long as they are in new condition, though I encourage shirts with collars (not getting very far with that!).

Kiley
post #35 of 50
Quote:
Originally Posted by mom3b1? View Post
Perhaps there is newer nail technology that is not quite as big a hazard as what I've seen. I've known people with severely damaged nails (yellow and gooey from fungus) because of acrylic nails. The fungus was trapped underneath and ruined not just the nail, but the ability to grow healthy nails again. If there is a way to do them that is completely safe, then yes I'd agree it's just a style issue, not something to fight about. I don't bring up style issues to my ex, but I will bring up things that relate to my children's health. I usually also consult with their Doctor to see for sure how much of an issue needs to be made.

About nails: When I worked at Barnes & Noble (until this April) we had a Cafe. According to our local health code acrylic nails were not allowed to be worn by anyone handling food. All employees serving coffee and pastry in the cafe were required to remove their nails or seek other employement. There was plenty of purple hair, and unusual body peircing in fashion amoung the Cafe Staff, but nails were not allowed. When the health inspector found an employee acrylic nails serving coffee we lost points on our inspection and they began policing it very carefully. Booksellers could wear nails. This applied to long and short nails. So, there must be some risk or have been, a history of risk. My understanding is that bacteria and fungus live under the nail.

It may be that the code is behind the times, and the risk is lower. I'm sure if a salon is hygenic, and the nail wearer is hygenic, the nails are not as risky. Rules like these are often made for the lowest common denominator.

If I thought my step daugher was at risk of the yellow gooey fungus that I've seen in friends and aquaintences nails, I'd have them removed. If it was only a fashion thing, I'd probably let it go.

Kiley

Yes, there are often clients whom I see who have badly damaged nails, like the ones you described. Most often those are the result of having nails done in what I refer to as a NSS (non-standard salon).

NSS's often, but not always, do not use the proper sanitation procedures to prevent the spread of infections such as the one's you described. Also, NSS's usually use a product called MMA. MMA has been prohibited by the FDA for use on the hands. MMA usually severly damages the nails. While it is basically illegal to use for artificial enhancements, it is not illegal to buy/sell, and is VERY easy to purchase and is VERY CHEAP which is why a full set of nails can typically be purchase for $30 or less. The government usually has only one inspector for the entire state. The MMA is placed in appropriately labeled containers and it is simply to costly to sample products at every salon at this time, therefore they get away with it.:

As for those working in hospitals and food service. Artificial nails are not allowed, that is correct. The reason, IIRCC, is b/c artificial enhancements are porous, therefore not fully sanitizeable, unless perhaps an individual would like to put their hands in an autoclave.

Bottom line: Artificial nails, when done properly, do not ruin ones nails. Nail Tech's, using improper product and procedure, ruin people's nails.

I just felt obligated to let everyone know that. *stepping down off soap box now*
post #36 of 50
Quote:
Originally Posted by pinksprklybarefoot View Post
If your dh has a problem with the nails and the parents have joint legal custody, he should have them removed. It is expensive to have them put on, so eventually bm will get sick of paying for it.
Well there is a way to put the child in the middle of a petty battle if I ever saw one.

I would let the nails go, and let your daughter get them too. Acrylic nails would not be my first choice, but larger family dynamics and everyone feeling welcomed and a part of things takes priority IMO. Fact is you are not a nuclear family, OP. Gotta make some creative compromises to make some family harmony.
post #37 of 50
Quote:
Originally Posted by kyangel80 View Post
Yes, there are often clients whom I see who have badly damaged nails, like the ones you described. Most often those are the result of having nails done in what I refer to as a NSS (non-standard salon).



Bottom line: Artificial nails, when done properly, do not ruin ones nails. Nail Tech's, using improper product and procedure, ruin people's nails.

I just felt obligated to let everyone know that. *stepping down off soap box now*
Thanks for explaining all that. It makes a lot more sense. I can understand how someone who felt their natural nails were unattractive might want to, especially for special occasions. Having seen the results of some of those products and practices you've mentioned I'm very leary, especially about children.

Kiley
post #38 of 50
Quote:
Originally Posted by thismama View Post
Fact is you are not a nuclear family, OP. Gotta make some creative compromises to make some family harmony.
I agree completely. Blended/Co-parenting families require a different approach to make them work. A certain amount of flexibility is vital.
post #39 of 50
Quote:
Originally Posted by kyangel80 View Post
Yes, there are often clients whom I see who have badly damaged nails, like the ones you described. Most often those are the result of having nails done in what I refer to as a NSS (non-standard salon).
I don't know about where you guys live, but I would say that non-standard salons offering acrylic nails heavily outnumber those who follow sanitary procedures. I used to have them, and they would get a little funky anytime I had them for over a month or two.

My mom once explained the differences between salons to me, as explained to her by her nail tech (which was similar to what you said, kyangel80). She was paying twice what I was to get her nails done. So most people probably don't know the difference and go to the cheaper place, despite the risks.

I also want to revise my previous post - you guys are right. It is not fair to put the child in the middle. It just stinks that the two parents can't have a discussion about it and come to an agreement about how their child should be raised.
post #40 of 50

I admit I didn't read the responses...

Cause I am short on time. If this has been posted before, I apologize for repeating.

I am of two minds.

You need to have hard and fast rules in your home. You and your spouse need to set those rules and stick to them.

AND

Pick and choose your battles.

If you have 2 sets of rules, one for skid and one for biokid, then you breed resentlment and animosity; which you are already seeing.

So set rules. No fake nails in this house. Ever. That means you shouldn't have them either, in order to avoid the "Well you have themmmmmm..." whine-fest. No trashy clothes in the house. If she wears the 'hot-hot-hot' shirt, she changes IMMEDIATELY upon arriving at your house, and the unsuitable clothing spend the duration of her visit in a paper-bag on a shelf in the garage. Put her on a telephone-timer limit, either per friend or per day. When she's all used up, too bad. Go outside and play.

Kids are manipulative and adaptive. She'll try to work you to get her nails back and her whorish clothing etc. But kids crave routine and discipline (deep down inside) and she'll respond to it.

Now, about picking your battles... if your skid is only with you one day out of every 14, is it realistic to have the acrylics removed? No. Just make her wear gloves when she's over. have her father let her know that adult behaviour will not be tolerated from a pre-teen under his roof. What she does at her mother's house is between her and her mother. At HIS house... THESE are the rules.

Thankfully, I don't have to deal with this yet... although my oldest is 10 and she'll be make-uping and clothes-shopping soon. But she is also aware that there are two distinct sets of rules in her life, and dad's are more stringent.

Good luck to you.
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