11 yr-old stepdaughter and acrylic nails - Page 3

[Mothra]

I can't imagine how confusing this situation must be for all children involved. I can't really say that I'd be able to expect an 11yo to do the "right" thing in this situation. The nails are on. It seems cruel to take them off with the expectation that her mother will have them put back on, and then you can take them off again.

I don't understand why rules have to be carved in stone. Sometimes we make rules and they don't work. We can make new ones. Maybe you can reconsider your stance on nails for your daughter. Maybe you can give your step-daughter more control over her body, which is clearly what her mother wants. There isn't going to be a cut and dried answer to this problem. Inflexibility seems to be an obstacle, though.

[dadinblue]

Rules for kids have to be firm, especially if the kids live more time elsewhere and 'visit' your home. They need to know what they are expected to do, how they are expected to act, say, wear etc. when they are at your home.

Imagine it this way: If... everyday that you went to work, you had to pause on the doorstep of you job and think to yourself "OK, what rules will be enforced TODAY? Will lunch be at 11 or 1? Will I have to share my desk with Stinky Ted today?"

While some people may enjoy the variability, children don't.

I guess I mis-typed when I said written in stone... but they shouldn't be easily, flippantly and frequently changed either.

[kyangel80]

dadinblue!?!?!? Seriously, you find this a viable solution......wear gloves????

[dadinblue]

Originally Posted by kyangel80

dadinblue!?!?!? Seriously, you find this a viable solution......wear gloves????

If the skid is there one day out of 14 and taking the nails off would be onerous, expensive or dangerous? Sure. It lets the skid know that you recognize that she has the nails, that you don't like it, and won't subject yourself or the other members of the household to looking at them. If the skid wants to keep them on when she's at Dad's house, then she wears gloves. If she wants to wear the trampy clothing over to Dad's house, it spends the weekend in a paper bag on the shelf in the garage.

Sooner or later she'll get tired of wearing gloves at Dad's house. Right now it's a power-play by the skid, playing the mum against the dad. "Mummy lets me have fake nails and now you have to let me too."

Heck no, I sure don't have to. If the dad gives in, he's weakened himself forever in his daughter's eyes. If he stands his ground, he's seen as strong in her eyes, someone you can trust and know where you stand and also know what the rules are from week to week.

Don't fall into the trap. Stand your ground and keep the rules firm and appropriate for the skid's age(s). Rules will change along with the kid's age. But if you cave in on this issue and allow fake nails and trashy shirts, where does it stop? Brazillian wax? Peek-a-duck skirt? Racoon-mask eye makeup? Stilletto heels with thigh-high stockings?

Let 10yo kids be 10yo kids. She'll have the next 80 years to flaunt her budding sexuality. Delay the onset till she can handle it emotionally.

[genericmom]

My stepdaughter is only 8...9 next month. A few times she has come home from a weekend at her moms with the plastic nails that you super glue on...I think its not appropriate at her age to be walking around school with fake long nails on...so if she comes home with them I will tell her that she can enjoy them at home and playing but they need to be taken off by the time we leave for school in the morning. she's never given me a problem with that. Now as far as going to the salon to have acryllics put on...no way at this age..or even 12. We would have her take them off(or take her to have them removed if its necessary) if she has school and we'd let mer mom know that we dont feel that is acceptable for her at school. We have better communication between eachother now that I think she could atleast abide by those wishes of ours especially since they are with us 90% of the time and attend school, ect with us!

I love having my nails done, it makes me feel like a WOMAN(key word here) to have nice long french manicures done. I still dont have them on 24/7...usually just for special occasions. They just aren't that needed when Im taking care of 4 kids, cleaning everyday and cooking Same reason there really shouldn't be any reason for a 12 year old to have them....her mother can go buy her some nice healthy polish for her to grow her own nails and maybe do salon time at home painting eachothers nails.

I think high school is probably the soonest I think would be appropriate and thats just for dances and proms...

Good luck with this! I hope it works out best for all involved.

[genericmom]

Originally Posted by dadinblue

If the skid is there one day out of 14 and taking the nails off would be onerous, expensive or dangerous? Sure. It lets the skid know that you recognize that she has the nails, that you don't like it, and won't subject yourself or the other members of the household to looking at them. If the skid wants to keep them on when she's at Dad's house, then she wears gloves. If she wants to wear the trampy clothing over to Dad's house, it spends the weekend in a paper bag on the shelf in the garage.

Sooner or later she'll get tired of wearing gloves at Dad's house. Right now it's a power-play by the skid, playing the mum against the dad. "Mummy lets me have fake nails and now you have to let me too."

Heck no, I sure don't have to. If the dad gives in, he's weakened himself forever in his daughter's eyes. If he stands his ground, he's seen as strong in her eyes, someone you can trust and know where you stand and also know what the rules are from week to week.

Don't fall into the trap. Stand your ground and keep the rules firm and appropriate for the skid's age(s). Rules will change along with the kid's age. But if you cave in on this issue and allow fake nails and trashy shirts, where does it stop? Brazillian wax? Peek-a-duck skirt? Racoon-mask eye makeup? Stilletto heels with thigh-high stockings?

Let 10yo kids be 10yo kids. She'll have the next 80 years to flaunt her budding sexuality. Delay the onset till she can handle it emotionally.

I just wanted to say I get your point and agree with you completely!!

[kyangel80]

Well, I see your POV. I suppose the difference for me is that 'nails', rather they be fake or real, aren't an issue for me. I don't see a difference in having natural nails or fake as I am a Nail Tech and when I do 'fake' they look natural, SWIM?

In fact, the nail growth starts to peak between age 11-14 IIRCC. I respect other people's choices but I am having difficulty with the portrayal of finger nails here is all.

[ceggert]

Thanks for all the great advice. I just thought I would share how we handled the situation. We decided not to force DS to remove the acrylic nails, however we clearly gave her the message that they were against our rules and we absolutely did not support her having them. We have her 50% of the time, so we told her she was not to come to us if she wanted a fill or if one broke. My daughter accepted that we had no control over the situation and stopped complaining. But she told DS what she thought, that she did not think it was right for her to have them knowing it was against our rules. DS ended up getting tired of them. I think they were getting in the way of her piano playing and our relatives would make negative comments about them to her. Plus, I think she was tired of me asking her to stop tapping her nails all the time. DS promised DH that she would take them off on the last day of school. We held her to her promise and the nails are off.

Hopefully they will stay off, but I know this is not so much an issue about the nails, but rather an issue of control between both parents. It is a difficult situation, because of both parents inability to co-parent. They have no understanding of the need to compromise in certain situations. They are going through yet a 3rd custody evaluation and my DH has a difficult time holding to his rules because he does not want to piss off his daughter. The result is that DS very well knows that if she does not get her way or what she wants at our house, she will get it at her moms. (monetarily, she can afford the constant spoiling) Unfortunately, her mom is using that to her advantage. (so DS has voiced to the evaluator that she likes it better at her moms because she gets to see her friends more often, she gets to do more things and there are no rules.) How sad for my husband that she would pick her friends over him. Our attorney said, you want to her happy, just give her whatever she wants and don't have all the rules. He agreed that is not the best for the child, but that is what he should do if he wants for his daughter to voice that she still wants to continue the 50/50 time with each parent. So there goes the boundries and structured household? I think not.........I was able to get my husband to understand that if he keeps back tracking on what he tells her, she will have no respect for him. And that a consistent and structured household is what sheas an 11-yr old, really wants and needs despite what she tells us. So for now, we are dealing with a difficult situation. I am hoping the evaluator will come up with a different recommendation this time, because his last two recs. resulted only in continued and on-going strife for all of us.

[anj119]

ceggert,

In your post concerning the resolution of the nails situation, you once again have given me the indication that the main source of trouble between your husband and his daughter is you.

although this may sound like just wild crazy nonsense talk to you, would you for the sake of trying something new, just try to imagine
what it would take
for you
to allow him to make the decisions concerning how to parent his own biological offspring
all by himself?

why are you asking him to choose the wisdom of your way
over the wisdom of his own heart and the feelings he has inside of it for his daughter?

your 'stick to the rules' 'don't be weak' 'do not allow yourself to be manipulated' bs is inappropriate and is completely totally out of line as it concerns the future framework for the changing growing relationship between them.
yes, you will have to probably watch him make decisions that you would not make, were you in the same situation. You will probably think he makes a few mistakes and you will probably have several opinions on what he should instead do or say or think or feel.

if you respect him, don't poison him with self doubt. if you love him, love what is in his heart and encourage him to express it. don't berate him for it. if he comes to you for strength.... give it to him. tell him how confident you are in his ability to do the right thing for his daughter. he is trying.
and there you go

with this blahblahblah bs about 'we decided' and 'how sad for my husband she would choose her friends over her own father'
That is just about as sad as him choosing to carry out your wishes
over his own concerning his own daughter.
'i was able to get my husband to understand that if he keeps backing down...'

you call it backing down
and much can be understood about your position simply by the words you have chosen to define it

bah
-anj119

[~PurityLake~]

Originally Posted by Oriole

Once DSD came over wearing flip flops and it the next day we had snow mixed with rain. Cold weather - appropriate clothing/shoes.
*shrug* Am I alone on this one?

Oh, you're not alone.
For several weekends this summer, BM had been sending J over with flip flops and no jacket or coat.
I asked him why no coat or shoes?
He said that his mom didn't think he needed them because it is summer so it won't rain and besides, if it rains she doesn't want him to get his nice tennis shoes all diry.

So, I asked her about them, just asked, so what's the deal with the sandles and no coat?
She told me her thinking, and I said, yeah, but it's pretty hard to predict the weather around here. It has rained every weekend. She said yeah, but I don't want him to get his shoes dirty, and I said, but then he can't go outside to play and that's not fair.

It was a very civilized and respectful conversation.
This weekend, he showed up with real shoes, but still no coat.

Baby steps with her, I guess.