Crying opinions

[sarahwpen]

I know that this forum doesn't condone "crying it out" but after reading some of the posts i was kind of curious as to what exactly would you define that as? I mean, everyone has a different level of tolerance and I was kind of wondering what you feel is an inappropriate level of tolerance and what is necessary.
For instance, when I was growing up (oldest of 4) my mom did not do co-sleeping with any of her babies and it caused lots of crying in cribs which she would sometimes answer and sometimes not. I felt this inappropriate and would very often go and get the screaming sibling out of their crib to sleep with me where they would go right to sleep and sleep soundly through the night.
Now I am a parent and I have 2 of my own, and I still won't let a baby cry alone, I will stay with them and try to comfort, but I now see that even though crying is very hard to tolerate without trying to "fix-it, make it better" that it really is the only voice a baby has and they have every right to just scream and let their frustration be known sometimes and that I really don't need to try to fix it every time they are upset. Sometimes they just need to vent and then learn to accept that whatever it is they are wanting will not be gotten. I figure it is better to learn that now than when they are 13 and throw much bigger fits! But let me be clear here, I am only talking about a baby that is old enough that you can kind of discern what is making them cry, not 3 month olds. You know, kind of cover all the bases, make sure nothing is hurting, teething, pinching, gas, hungry, diaper, scared, lonley, and then if they seem ok in those areas I stay with them & hold them, but just kind of say "well, you'll have to tough it out!" and as they get older sometimes just leave them to scream on the floor if it is over something small like not getting a particular food or the like.
So that is kind of my CIO veiw, but I would really like to hear what some of you other parents do/think about crying and where you draw the line.

[cee3]

Yeah, I mean, what else would you do...tape their mouth shut? I do what you do. I try to discern what the issue is. If I can't fix it, I comfort. My little guy often has a good cry as he's getting to sleep. He's very tired, has finished nursing and is still awake, he wants to play, but he just can't keep his eyes open. He cries and there's really nothing I can do about it, so I rock him, snuggle him, pat his back, and sing him soft lullabies. He eventually gives in to the sleep and drops off.

With my older son, there are occasionally times where he just wants to cry and rage. I'll sometimes ask him to take it into his bedroom (if he's kicking stuff or lying right in the middle of the floor). He's never been the type of kid who likes a lot of cuddling and tends to act like I'm smothering him if I get all over him. He prefers to work things out on his own and that's fine...he does what he needs to do and rejoins us when he's all set. When he does want hugs (typically when he's hurt himself) he takes that initiative.

[bigeyes]

Frankly, I think the whole idea is dumb. My son never would sleep unless he was curled up on my chest. Consequently, I spent a lot of time sleeping in reclining chairs.

One person suggested CIO to me, and it was the most horrible thing I ever did to my ds. He cried nonstop, went to sleep and then sobbed in his sleep!

I never even attempted again, it seemed downright abusive and pointless. If our children rely on us for comfort, why on earth would we deliberately withhold it? Isn't being left to CIO what caused attachment disorders in Russian infants years ago? Seems like I remember reading about children who had been left alone in cribs for so long that they no longer even tried to connect with others.
Imagine being an infant and having already given up on being loved or comforted.

[momuveight2B]

I can only explain how I handle crying. The reason I do it this way is because crying makes me very nervous or should I say anxious? It is uncomfortable for me to listen to a baby/child cry without giving a response.

For the first few years I put them to the breast as soon as they start to cry no matter what the reason. They sleep with me and most times there is no crying because as soon as I sense a wiggle I have them latched on. Of course there are times I get touched out and I will hand them off to dad and then they will cry while I go to the bathroom, get a drink and get myself resettled to nurse again. I only need a few minutes and it is generally in the evenings. Dad will cuddle, rock, sing during this time, the child is not alone. Then he will give them back to me and fluff pillows or whatever I need to keep my stanima up.

As they get older they will have the normal frustrations and bumps that go with becoming a toddler and I will nurse them first for all of those things. I find that even my preschoolers will ask to nurse and tell me that they need help calming down or getting over a hurt. It is usually only for moments and mostly a time of hugging.

Once they wean then breastfeeding is not as big a part of giving comfort but the child still needs a warm embrace, their hair stroked or time on my lap. Then we are able to talk about what is upsetting them, sometimes I can solve it but for the most part I am showing empathy and helping them come up with a plan of what to do.

So by the time they are thirteen or whatever magic age crying is not a real big part of their day. But they have found me a safe haven to come and snuggle on the couch and vent frustrations and seek comfort.

So they gradually develop skills to self comfort but still need support. Does that make sense?

I will be 43 in a few months and I still seek out others when I am upset. I think this is a good thing. We need relationships (even on line like MDC) to help us sort out things from time to time. I can't imagine trying to cope with everything by myself.

I would never want to offer a child less of a response then I expect for myself. I think of how I want to be treated. Of course we can't always fix the crying but I think it is important to be physcially and emotionally available to the child or anyone in our life who is in discomfort. I can't imagine someone saying to me, "go to your room and get over it." Or leaving me in the dark (sometimes I still feel afraid of things that go bump in the night) or in any other situation to face things alone.

My fear in using a method like CIO is that it would create a more dependent, insecure and clingy child who was fearful that their needs would not be met. I think while short term there may be a gain like a child who doesn't dare disturb the parents in the night, over the long term I think the results would be a child who really doesn't cope well with life and turns to destructive methods of coping when they get older. I would much rather meet a need now than face tragic consequences later. An unmet need doesn't go away it just gets stuffed.

I want my children to trust me and be able to come to me with anything throughout their lifetimes.

I also know one day I will be an old lady in a nursing home and I want them to come and see me. I want to nurture that sense of relationship and sensitivity in them so that they don't shut down emotionally from other people later in life.

So that is where I am coming from.

Oh, I don't give in to temper tantrums. I let them run their course and may even have to walk away for my own sanity. I am still there to offer empathy and of course hugs when they are ready. But I find that once they get through the toddler stage and figure out that screaming and kicking won't work they give it up and we deal with it very rarely in the years to come.