Need opinions

[Kontessa]

I will try and make this short.

Hubby is in Iraq till next Febuary
I am living with friends but need to move. They do not peacefully Parent.
I could move home but it will cost me a lot of money.
Moving home is cross country and would be renting house with sister and her love.
Rent is high there and they have no money saved.
They take home $300 a week and spend $400 plus on a car payment and such.
I would end up paying first and last and everything else.
I might end up "supporting" them and not sure I can.
Sister is a teen and DRAMA
Much family there is DRAMA and stress
Little brother already begging for $850 to get his license back and Mom thinks I should try and help him.....
Other Dad thinks I should move some place local, save money, and thus avoid having brother and mother there drain me.
Here I have mid-wives I love
Homeschooling laws are wonderful
UU church I am very involved in
But no family......

What if I get stuck on bed rest?

Would you move across country to be with family who may or may not make life even harder or move in town where you know if things go well, things will be peaceful?

Help!

Blessings,
Kimmy

[scheelimama]

Kimmy, do you have a reason to believe that you might get stuck on bedrest? I know you've been really sick, but you should start to come out of it soon and it sounds like your family would be a real drain on you, emotionally and financially. Do you think they would help enough to make it worth it to you? Do you have any friends there? Any chance you could move on base? I really enjoy living on base and have made tons of great friends (in only 4 months) who know exactly (well not exactly, since none of them are pregnant) what I'm going through. I personally would not move across country. You've got a great church and midwives. I would just try to get more plugged into the community and make friends. I hope you are able to find peace with your decision soon.

[mittendrin]

This is a difficult situation. IMO if family is not supportive and even trying to drain you then forget it's family at that point and think more of your closer family, the closest one you have right now: YOUR BABY. Ok, so you might be stuck were you are right now on bedrest but the other situation doesn't seem too healthy either.
Are you not getting any support from the military? I didn't particularly enjoy living on base, I was never a "good army wife" lol : but in your situation that would sound like a safe choice for you and your baby.
I am not good at nicetalking things: honey - stay where you are and don't feel responsible for your sister. And why the heck are YOU supposed to help out your brother getting his license back? Was it his fault he lost it? Then it's his thing to get it back, isn't it? Or your mom could help...instead of asking her pregnant daughter whose hubby is busting his arse in a not so nice place to take care of things. Ts! Sorry, I told you I'm not a nicetalker, stuff like that gets my blood boiling. They should be there helping you, not the other way around!

[ChiaraRose]

I wouldn't move. Your family doesn't sounds like too much help. I sounds like they expect more from you than you from them...
Like scheelimama said, do you have a reason to believe you will be on bedrest??
Just my 0.02
L.

[GooeyRN]

I wouldn't move. It would be nice to have family, but do you really need all of the stress? It sounds like they would be expecting a real lot from you, more than you can give right now. I don't have family or friends where I live, but I got used to it. Its almost better in a way, since there is less stress.

[cheeseRjedi]

I would stay where you are as well. Hit up some LLL meetings or try to find playgroups so you can at least have some support if things fall hard. Not an easy situation but it seems like moving back home would be too much to handle.

[Monkeybutt]

Can you move, but just find another place local to where you are?

[scheelimama]

Just wanted to add when I said I would not move, I meant I wouldn't move where your family is. I would definitely move to a new place though if it's not going well with your friend, just stay in the local area though. You are in a really tough situation.

[Kontessa]

Roomate is looking at the place for rent next door and few places down from that. If something happens to me then my 7 year old could just run over here for help. Not to mention the kids could come and go as me and the other mama need them to. My friend and I are not on bad terms and we want to make sure it does not get to that point. She is not crunchy and I very much am. She has 70 pairs of shoes and has not opened a book since I moved in.... LOL She believes all the common stuff, questions nothing, and looks nothing up! I go nuts here! And really her Hubby is the bigger issue and it turns out he is not leaving till right before this baby due. She still wants to help with the kids and be there for the birth and help how ever she can. Moving close would work I think.

Chances of bed rest. I am not sure, I have already been on it once and because of keytones and a cold I was STUCK in bed for weeks with no energy to even be on this computer for more then a hand full of moments before having to go lay down again. I am feeling some better though. Still throughing a lot up but keeping more down then before and as I test my own keytones now I know what helps best. LOL

Again, sorry this is so long. I feel like a burden on everyone.

Poor whiny me! I know. Really my life is not horrible, just some very hard choices right now and I do not like to hurt peoples feelings. If I do not move home I know they will be hurt....

As for moving on post. It is an option but I never like it. No choice in a lot of things and as others have said "Not a good army wife" as I am very liberal and pro-peace and go to a weird church. LOL But it is an option. Wonder how long the waiting list is.

-sigh- So much to think about.

Blessings,
Kimmy

[Isaac'sMa]

I would not move just to be near family, especially given the situation you are in where it sounds more likely than not that it would be a huge burden emotionally/financially. I think other pp have given good advice about plugging into church/LLL etc. in case you need help. Have you tried posting in FYT? Someone there might have good resources for you too...
You could also look at http://www.co-abode.com/ for housing options. It's a website that hooks up single mothers with other single mamas for better/safer housing etc. I know you're not technically a single mama but while your dh is away, you're the only parent, so I think you'd qualify. It might give you some good options for temporary housing with a like-minded mama until your dh is home, safe and sound.

[scheelimama]

Well, I kind of understand not wanting to live on base. There's some people here whose parenting styles makes me crazy. But I'm very liberal and I get along fine here. I love being near everything!

[Kontessa]

Alisha, we have very crappy housing here and GMH does not turn the swamp coolers on till late in the season and will not alow AC window units and I badly can not stand heat. They also turn it off and the heat back on too early. To just name a few issues I am thinking of. You can not put pools in the back yard either and I do not like the health of public pools and again, I need to stay cool here in TX. LOL Also, I am wanting a home birth, they may give mid-wives a hard time getting on post. Some places do not even "Allow" home births on post!

I know what you mean though about having people close by that understand what you are going through so you are not so alone.

Blessings,
Kimmy


P.S. I will be looking into more support here with LLL and other places. Thanks for the ideas Mamas and the opinions. Seems I am not the only one with my "kind" of family.

[scheelimama]

Totally understand Kimmy. We have awesome housing here! Pools are allowed, and as for homebirth, I wouldn't even tell them. But it doesn't sound like you have nice housing there at all.

[moma justice]

i say stay away from family who will drain you!!!
try to get as much support from LLL and your UU church as you can, i am sure there is a net work of people there who might have housing advice and/or connections, older women who might be happy to help you in MANY ways...etc

i have been in some really crazy situations where i was far away from family and in major need of help...i found that if i kept looking for it, something would always be there when i needed it.

in whatever kind of higher power you follow, it is comforting to know that you can surrender your prayers and fears and knwo that you will be taken care of.

try to manifest what you most want, visualize it....miracles can happen....and DO

also, my friend used to tell me when i was preg with my dd (i lived in 5 states in one year that year) to not worry, that little baby will move mountains to be born in the very place and way that it wants.

good luck momma, and
WE ARE HERE FOR YOU!!!

[Kontessa]

Don't laugh ok.... Dang hormones! I am upset. A house I really wanted is not available anymore, it is right next door to where I am now and so I am starting to panic and think I will be stuck here longer then anyone wants. So tomorrow I am going on post to see about housing. LOL

mama Justice, I really needed that post. Thank you. It is sometimes hard for me to accept that I am not in control of everything and that everything will be ok. That I can let a higher power worry about all this for a while and I can relax and trust. Manifesting someone possitive is very hard right now I am finding. I see all my fears coming to pass and I can not get out of the way to make new dreams and feel them and find a path to them. I just see issues. I have so much to be greatful for I know. Please remind me all of all in your post from time to time if it seems I keep forgetting, that is, if you have time!

Blessings,
Kimmy

[sorteep]

I would lean towards satying put... and relying in friends or church members is you need to, but that;s just me and I don't know the details.. but, for me, calm and peace trumps blood relations every time (learned TAHT from experience) and you don't have to be blood related to be close or ask for help.. KWIM?

[De-lovely]

Short and sweet I say stay put....finance stress as well as general drama would not contribute anything positive to your situation. I think maybe once you have adjusted a touch more to dh's absence (not that you ever really adjust) that you will feel more at home AT HOME.....

[melissakc]

:

[wwisdomskr]

((Kimmy)), what a difficult situation!

As much as I'd love to have you closer to me...it sounds like it isn't the best option for you right now.

I also have a hard time asking friends for help and having higher expectations of family. That's why family so often lets me down...

We are in CT by ourselves, with no family even a day's drive away. I'm mostly bedridden and our UU church is feeding us because dh is gone 4 days a week and I can't even walk into the kitchen--let alone handle food prep.

I've just had to come to terms with being "beholden" or "indebted" to people outside of my family. I read something beautiful a few weeks ago about this... Healthy communities are made up of people who are "indebted" to one another and interdependent. There is a finite end to my illness...and it will be a good one. I can't do anything to "pay" anyone back right now or return any favors... But, sometime, it might take a few years, there will come a time where I will be well-suited and able to help someone in my community in the way that they most need.

People *like* to be needed and helpful in a meaningful way... It's not a burden...rather, it's a gift of our shared humanity.

[Momma Aimee]

i have not read everything -- will try to tomorrow

1. I would NOT move home -- even if you DO end up on bedrest -- how much help vs drama will be the family there be???? sounds more DRIANING then helpful at best.

2. i would look for a way to stay where you are

More tomorrow

Aimee