Deschooling a 5 yr old??

[mz_libbie22]

I'm not sure I really understand the concept of deschooling, so could anyone tell me whether these behaviors are related to age/personality or could they be a sign that my DS needs to be deschooled? He's been in daycare since infancy and pre-schooled 2 yrs; he'll be 6 in July. It seems like he'd be too young to need to be deschooled, but some of the things he does make me wonder...For example, he's constantly asking me "what can I do?" or "what can I draw?" and it's impossible to get him to decide on his own what he wants. According to him he "has no ideas" in his head. On top of that he always has to be doing something. If he's not occupied with some task or another he doesn't seem to know what to do with himself. And of course 99% of the time he insists on me doing everything with him; he doesn't draw, we take turns drawing pictures, for example. When we're walking, riding bikes, etc. he always has to be "the leader" and he usually turns everything into a race or competition.

This all seems to be a result of being in preschool. Does deschooling help with these type of behavior issues? Thanks!

[frogguruami]

It is hard to say with a 5 year old. It could be either or some of both. If he has been in preschool then a little deschooling might be in order.

Check out some of the Anti-coloring books. They are really cool and that may give him the start he needs to do something on his own, yet still require him to imagine and create something.

The competition thing is the one thing that I see as a result of PS. My DS was OBSESSED with being right and first in everything when we pulled him out of school.

I would recommend him just being a kid and playing! Help him when he asks and direct him when he asks.

[mz_libbie22]

Originally Posted by frogguruami

Help him when he asks and direct him when he asks.

That's also what I wasn't sure of. I'm hesitant to give him directions because I feel like he should be directing himself.

[water]

I brought my DS home full-time at age 4; he had been in preschool (2 days a week for 3 hours) for a year and a half, and he did need to deschool!

I was surprised, because he was so young, but he needed some time to adjust to being with me and his sister all the time again, and to going out with us to do the things I needed to get done, and to learn to play independently.

It helped that his sister was just starting to get interesting (she was just turned one at the time) so quickly they became best friends/playmates. But it was a transition for him, and it took a while. Mostly the needing to be entertained thing. I instituted "mom-time" every day for a while, where the kids did their thing and I did mine. This has turned into them having these hours-long amazingly creative play sessions, pretending, creating, etc etc.

So I guess I would give it some time, make suggestions to him of things to do, but leave it up to him to do them. Sometimes I find that if I suggest something they will automatically say no, but if I just silently bring out the playmobil/legos/playdoh/whatever, they get all excited and play like crazy.

[RiverSky]

It definitely sounds like it to me. If I were you, I'd deschool him for a year and let him completely define himself and relearn everything that he had previously learned about what he needs to do in a day, how you learn, etc. I believe he will blossom if you give him a year to deschool.

[4evermom]

My ds needed deschooling after going to school for 10 days over the course of 6 weeks for pre-k. The worst of the problems got better after 3 months but it took about a year for some things to return to how he was before school. And this was only 10 half days.

[AnnR33]

Am I correct in assuming he's at home with you now full time? It sounds a lot like he just wants to be with you and interact with you. That's pretty common for kids that come home to stay. They have you all to themselves and they just want to be your center of attention.
It does sound a little like he needs to "deschool" as far as the routines and such. But that's going to be pretty tough for him to do since he doesn't know what to do with himself like an older kid would. You can't just sit him in his room for 3 hours and say "relax, hang out, have fun." That would probably stress him even more if he wants to be with you. My son would be in heaven because he's into legos, but other kids would hate that. You just have to see what he responds to well and what he doesn't.
So just take his lead and go with it for a few months.

[moominmamma]

Originally Posted by frogguruami

Help him when he asks and direct him when he asks.

I'd add a qualifier to this. I'd say that you should help him and direct him when he asks, but model the thought processes and organizational approaches you use in doing so. In other words, if he's asking "what can I do?" you could respond with:

"Do you feel like doing something inside or something outside? Something by yourself or something with me? Okay, let's check the fridge list of inside by-yourself things and see if there's something there that appeals to you. It can't be something messy, because we're going to be eating dinner in about 45 minutes and I need this area to be tidy."

In other words, in the process of helping him, give him the tools he'll need to solve his own boredom in the future.

Miranda

[frogguruami]

Originally Posted by moominmamma

I'd add a qualifier to this. I'd say that you should help him and direct him when he asks, but model the thought processes and organizational approaches you use in doing so. In other words, if he's asking "what can I do?" you could respond with:

"Do you feel like doing something inside or something outside? Something by yourself or something with me? Okay, let's check the fridge list of inside by-yourself things and see if there's something there that appeals to you. It can't be something messy, because we're going to be eating dinner in about 45 minutes and I need this area to be tidy."

In other words, in the process of helping him, give him the tools he'll need to solve his own boredom in the future.

Miranda

Yes! A lot of times, I think that kids that require "too much" direction are really looking for security. In DS1's case, he was afraid of making the wrong decision. Because doing something wrong or getting something incorrect has a punishment that goes along with it. Even in preschool. The punishment may only be being told no but to a sensitive child "No" can be very upsetting. He may take time to warm up to the idea that he is allowed to have the CHOICE to do what he wants and getting something wrong is okay. By having you tell him what to do he is secure in knowing it isn't the wrong choice. This was the experience I had after taking DS1 out of school. It took him about 9 months to work through it. He was in school for 1 year of preschool and 1 1/2 years of PS.

I love the idea of lists for a child seeking direction. They allow them to make their own decisions but still feel secure that all the choices are okay!!

TBH, DS1 still asks permission to do a lot of things but he does come up with his own ideas. DS2 is very good at entertaining himself. Although I will admit that sometimes I wish he would ask permission more often. He was never in school.

[mz_libbie22]

Originally Posted by AnnR33

Am I correct in assuming he's at home with you now full time? It sounds a lot like he just wants to be with you and interact with you.

Yes, he's home.

You've definately hit the nail on the head! He's been attention starved for the last couple months because I was swamped with schoolwork; I took way too many credits and it left no time for DS. :

[mz_libbie22]

Originally Posted by moominmamma

I'd add a qualifier to this. I'd say that you should help him and direct him when he asks, but model the thought processes and organizational approaches you use in doing so. In other words, if he's asking "what can I do?" you could respond with:

"Do you feel like doing something inside or something outside? Something by yourself or something with me? Okay, let's check the fridge list of inside by-yourself things and see if there's something there that appeals to you. It can't be something messy, because we're going to be eating dinner in about 45 minutes and I need this area to be tidy."

In other words, in the process of helping him, give him the tools he'll need to solve his own boredom in the future.

Miranda

Great advice! Thanks.