What to do about MIL and church?

[bandgeek]

It's been routine for a while for MIL to take DS to church on sunday evenings. He loves to go and she loves to take him. And I personally like the 3 hour break! The problem I'm having though, is DH and I are really against some of the things they teach (I won't go into specifics, but for example, I eavesdropped and heard one sermon where they were blasting homosexuals). Now that DS is nearly 2.5 I'm worried he's actually listening and picking up on this stuff.

I've talked to DH, and he agrees he doesn't want DS learning what the church teaches, but he keeps saying, "We'll deal with it when the time comes," but I don't think he realizes just how much kids pick up at this age, and that "time" is probably NOW!

So, how would you deal with it? I figure I have 3 options. 1) Don't let DS go anymore at all (and somehow find a way to break it to both MIL and DS) 2) Let him go less frequently (maybe once a month) and hope that such infrequent exposure won't sink in those ideas and 3) Continue to let him go, but talk to him a LOT about how people believe different things, what we believe, and why we don't believe what MIL believes, ect, ect.

Any ideas?

[liberal_chick]

Is he actually going to the adult church sermons or to something comprable to children's church? I know, when I was young at least, children's church never talked about things like that. It was all the positive stuff.

[bandgeek]

Originally Posted by liberal_chick

Is he actually going to the adult church sermons or to something comprable to children's church? I know, when I was young at least, children's church never talked about things like that. It was all the positive stuff.

She takes him to the regular sermon. If he gets antsy, she takes him to the nursery for a bit, but most of the time, they are in the main room.

[philomom]

Few people that I know have permanent memories before the age of three. However, I would start to find some other activity for MIL and your child.

[LotusBirthMama]

I have a very religious father and I don't agree w/ all of his beliefs. After he spends a lot of time with the kids I just make sure I spend some time telling them the other side of the story..of that makes any sense.

[RiverSky]

Originally Posted by philomom

Few people that I know have permanent memories before the age of three. However, I would start to find some other activity for MIL and your child.

[MCatLvrMom2A&X]

I would keep letting him go.

[Blu Razzberri]

Originally Posted by philomom

Few people that I know have permanent memories before the age of three...

I don't think it's so much about a permanent memory as much as it is about creating bad feelings towards a specific group of people.

I wish I could help you make this easier, but I'm not sure that's an option. I hope that your MIL is against this part of the sermons; and that it could become something as easy as "please leave if they have scriptures that knock a certain group of people" ..."ok, no problem".

Religion is a hard topic and almost always starts a "war". Here's a website that explores "The Bible and Homosexuality" and provides a few different viewpoints. This might help when you're trying to explain your viewpoint to your MIL.

I personally stand neutral on the topic of homosexuality (why should it bother me? *shrug*...don't answer that, it wasn't an invitation for debate). A quote I really like, taken from this page, is:

"I am always amazed at how the Bible, that portrays my Lord embracing the outcasts, touching the lepers, welcoming the Samaritans, not judging the woman taken in the act of adultery, and inviting 'all of ye,' not 'some of ye,' to 'come unto me,' can, in the hands of a few distorted people be turned into a book of hatred, violence and judgment."

...and also the fact that the Ten Commandments don't come close to even hinting that "thou shalt not love/desire someone if they're of the same sex"

When it comes down to it; you and your DP are the parents and you have a right to choose for your son. Remember that as the bottom line when you're trying to explain your reasons to your MIL.

I hope this works out nicely for you and your family. Good luck.

(This thread may turn into a religious debate by accident, and so I won't be checking back in. I believe everyone has a right to believe in what they believe in. Peace to all.)

[shaykismama]

With just that issue alone, I would not let my child go. Sure, you will have to teach him someday that some people hate others for their lifestyles, but this wouldn't be the way I'd want to explain it. Does your mil believe all that they are preacing?

[MountainLovinMama]

I think I would probably choose option 3 in this scenario. Since your ds and his grandma both love it, the bonding and time spent together might outweigh the negatives of the church's teachings. I guess it would depend on how strongly I felt about the specifics of the teachings, and how they are portrayed (ie, is he going to develop a sense that he will be "condemned" if he disagrees with a certain teaching?), but for our family I think it is a good thing to be exposed to different beliefs and ways of viewing the world. If you feel you will be able to give him a balanced perspective through showing him other points of view, I'd say let him enjoy his outing with grandma, let her enjoy sharing something important to her with her grandson, and enjoy your 3 hour break!

[Clarinet]

I would not let my child go anywhere where there's open talk about issues I take opposition with. It will get confusing to hear people he is supposed to trust and listen to tell him the exact opposite you are telling him at home. I vote you find another activity for MIL.

And, I would let her know that that kind of talk is inappropriate at all times so even if they aren't at "church," she should refrain from picking on any group.

ETA: I should add that I dislike intolerance and would work my family out of any situation that involves it. Fine if people want to have different views than I about humans and when my kids get to the appropriate age, I'll tell them that some people think differently but at age 2, 3, 4 and 5, I wouldn't want my child subjected to a potentially emotional speech about how gay people are going to hell or whatever is taught.

[stellimamo]

I would try to get MIL and ds to do a different activity together and explain to MIL that I don't like all the messages that ds was hearing at her church. Explain to her what you object to and why.

[Qestia]

well, we attend church and I frequently hear things in sermons I disagree with, I like it, I think it's a good opportunity for me to examine my beliefs and reaffirm in my mind why I feel the way I do.

Obviously this doesn't apply to a 2.5 yo!

but my opinion is that he is going to learn his values from the 165 other hours in a week when he is with you and not hearing a boring sermon with grandma. so honestly I wouldn't worry about it too much unless grandma was also bringing those things up in other situations, though I would have a talk with her about your values etc.

[DariusMom]

I'm wondering how much you MIL knows of your beliefs. It most likely won't come as a surprise to her that you and DP don't agree with the teachings of her church.

Would it be possible to bring up in a non-accusatory way that you and DP don't necessarily agree with what is taught in her church and are not going to teach DC to believe those things?

I don't think there is anything wrong with letting DC go to church with your MIL, at least for the time being, and it seems to benefit everyone involved. If, at some point, your DC starts repeating those beliefs you can then take action. But, as a pp said, you've got the vast majority of your DC's life to counter balance the three hours on Sunday evenings.

[GooeyRN]

I wouldn't allow my child to attend a service if I did not share in the beliefs. I wouldn't want to worry about unteaching. I would find a new activity for them to do together, unless you don't mind a lot of unteaching.

[green betty]

Over my dead body would I let my kid do that. I would no more choose to expose my child to hateful speech against gays than I would Jews, or African Americans, or women... for all those moms who would let their child go: would you want your kids hanging out in a room with a man who says, "women are weaker and more sinful than men"? Do you want them getting messages like that at any age?

We are in a somewhat similar situation with my MIL, who I like and get along with but who also belongs to a church that in our opinion subjugates human rights and embodies routine religious abuse in their practices. : But in our situation dh made a very difficult and firm break with the church, so she knows better than to go there in the first place.

I would probably step into slant with your MIL--like, "we've decided that we would like to spend Sunday evenings together as quiet family time before dh goes back to work for the week. We've also been thinking that we'd rather dc spend his time with you doing something besides church--what would you think about option x or option z?" (Things you think they both might particularly like) "What are your ideas? He enjoys spending time with you so much."

In other words, don't hide the issue but provide another and more positive focus. Let her know how much she's valued.


Good luck! Let us know what happens.

[anjelika]

Originally Posted by green betty

I would probably step into slant with your MIL--like, "we've decided that we would like to spend Sunday evenings together as quiet family time before dh goes back to work for the week. We've also been thinking that we'd rather dc spend his time with you doing something besides church--what would you think about option x or option z?" (Things you think they both might particularly like) "What are your ideas? He enjoys spending time with you so much."

In other words, don't hide the issue but provide another and more positive focus. Let her know how much she's valued.

Seconded - this is some excellent advice. I also wouldn't want to worry about the unteaching.

Best of luck - I also have very religious parents (Catholic). We agree to disagree - sometimes it's hard to avoid hurt feelings and stepping on toes, but mutual respect has worked pretty well. If you and your husband go into the discussion gently, I'm sure things can be worked out with MIL!

[alegna]

No way I'd let my child be regularly exposed to that.


-Angela

[lilyka]

If you are not comfortable with what he is learning i think it is best to put a stop to it now. That just seems more fair to both MIL and your son.

I like green betty's suggestion of how to approach it. very sweet without having to be judgmental of MILs beliefs.

[Qestia]

Originally Posted by green betty

Over my dead body would I let my kid do that. I would no more choose to expose my child to hateful speech against gays than I would Jews, or African Americans, or women... for all those moms who would let their child go: would you want your kids hanging out in a room with a man who says, "women are weaker and more sinful than men"? Do you want them getting messages like that at any age?

that is a good point and in light of some other people's posts about dealing with this is a positive and tactful way maybe I should change my answer. I just answered the way I did because in the tradition in which I was raised it seemed no one paid any attention to what was being spouted from the pulpit... today I've found a church much more in line with my belies, but it's funny that, due to my childhood experience, I think it's okay to just let the preacher flap his/her lips and take what you want from it. That's probably not ideal tho, LOL.