Would you have asked?

[Heffernhyphen]

So I went to a wedding this past weekend. The mother of a two-week-old baby was there, along with the baby, and his diaper bag full of bottles. It all but killed me to keep my mouth shut and not ask why she wasn't nursing him, especially when I found out that she IS a nurse.

I got a clue later in the day when she and another FFing mom were talking about having worked in a Day Care and how gross it was when moms would send in frozen bags of breast milk.

What, if anything, would you have said? I kept my mouth shut, but made it a point to very publicly nurse my four-year-old.

[Caden's Mom]

At a wedding, I would have kept my mouth shut, especially to a stranger. There are some rude and hurtful things I would have *liked* to say, but would have kept them to myself. If it was a friend, I would have asked and probably challenged her on how "gross" bm is. Perhaps her criticizing bm was some sort of defense mechanism or perhaps she very un-educated.

[Smalls181]

wow... thats quite sad. Im not gutsy enough to have said anything, nor am I witty enough to think something clever up. I definitely wouldnt have asked why, though.

[carriebft]

I would have asked them why they think it's gross. Then, depending on their answers, take it from there. I might talk to them about formula contamination, perhaps talk about E. sakazakii. I might make it humorous and say something like "you were a daycare worker, you changed other peoples' kids poop and you think frozen breastmilk is gross?" or maybe "Cow's milk is from the tit of a cow. I mean, imagine yourself sucking a cow's tit. Pumped breastmilk looking better eh?"



I guess it would just all depend on where the convo was going and what their attitudes were. You could also talk about the CDC not labeling breastmilk as dangerous....or perhaps you could phrase it like "breastmilk prevents a lot of diseases. what's grosser? a bag of frozen breastmilk or runny snot noses and coughing, which usually gets everyone else sick, too!"

[Bex80]

What's really scary is that she is a NURSE and is possibly *that* un-educated. : Ay yi yi.

I am rather innappropriate at times and would have said something, even at at a wedding. Granted as long as it was at an informal time--reception, rehearsal dinner, etc. NOT during the actual ceremony.

[Heffernhyphen]

Originally Posted by carriebft

. . . you think frozen breastmilk is gross?" . . . "Cow's milk is from the tit of a cow.

Yeah, this is about the conversation I had with my husband when he told me how embarrassed he would have been if I'd said anything.

Him: Honey, breastmilk is a bodily fluid. I can see how some people would think it's gross if it's from a stranger.

Me: Um, is bodily fluid from a COW somehow less gross?

If I'd been on my toes when the gross breastmilk comment was made maybe I could have pointed out that we just ate hamburgers and hot dogs. Give a little thought to where they came from and we can talk about gross.

[carriebft]

Yeah, tahts the kinda thing I would probably try to do. Make comparisons to things around you or things the people are talking about. It could even be fly by next time....like you dont even have to join the convo. "breastmilk is gross? do you have any idea what is in a hot dog?" I think in situations where you wonder if the convo would be appropriate, I try to either make it light and funny or just tone down my activism.

[Ruthla]

A wedding isn't the place to make comments like that. If you had gotten friendly with her, and could have chatted about baby stuff and asked about BFing in a natural way, it would have been fine. But a quick comment based on seeing all the bottles in the diaper bag woudln't have gone over well.

You don't know if she's on medication that's incompatible with BFing, or had a double mastectomy before having kids, etc. It's far more likely that she simply chose to FF and could have BF if she'd cared to do so, but there's no way to know for certain, and every new mother deserves respect even if you think she's made stupid choices.

[Bex80]

Originally Posted by Heffernhyphen

she and another FFing mom were talking about having worked in a Day Care and how gross it was when moms would send in frozen bags of breast milk.

Ruthla, I think this is where she was wanting to say something, not just from seeing the bottles.

[babymakesthree]

Originally Posted by Bex80

What's really scary is that she is a NURSE and is possibly *that* un-educated. : Ay yi yi.

I am rather innappropriate at times and would have said something, even at at a wedding. Granted as long as it was at an informal time--reception, rehearsal dinner, etc. NOT during the actual ceremony.

and :

[phreedom]

I wouldn't have said anything about the bottles. Maybe if it were a friend or someone I knew I would have used it as a starting point to talk about feeding babies, but even then I wouldn't just come out and demand to know why she wasn't nursing.

However...I probably would have had to say something about the "Breastmilk is gross" comment. When you get to really thinking about the food we (collective we) eat and cows milk, I don't get how EBM is all that gross either.

The only thing I hate about EBM is when I've spilled it on me it's so sticky! I hate that feeling. But I really don't like spilling anything on me.

[AllieFaye]

In those situations, I use the "five-whys" technique. I look innocently puzzled, and ask "Why do you think that?" If they give a hooey answer, then I look even more puzzled and keep asking why, up to five times. People will generally reveal their real thoughts by the fifth why, or they will rethink their own prejudices - because they've never really thought about them before. The key is to keep engaged, and sweetly innocent. For those that keep giving hooey at the fifth, "Why is that?" I write them off as a lost cause. You can't win them all.

[jeanine123]

No. It's none of my business. How would you feel if someone approached you and asked you why you were doing that, especially a stranger at a wedding? That isn't a lactivism moment IMO and would probably do more harm than good.

[carriebft]

Originally Posted by jeanine123

No. It's none of my business. How would you feel if someone approached you and asked you why you were doing that, especially a stranger at a wedding? That isn't a lactivism moment IMO and would probably do more harm than good.

But what about the convo about "breastmilk is gross". I mean, they are already having the convo, what's wrong with jumping in?

[jeanine123]

How would you feel if someone you didn't know butted into a conversation you were having with a friend, especially if it were to disagree with what was being said? Personally I would find it incredibly rude and inconsiderate and I feel it's actions like that that leaves some people with the impression of militant lactivist or worse. If it came up in a conversation I was already a part of I would certainly chime in but I wouldn't force myself into a conversation I wasn't initially part of.

[carriebft]

Meh, I don't think it's too rude to make a passing comment. I mean, they are the ones making a rude comment in earshot of other people. I don't think having "your own convo" exonerates you and makes you able to make rude comments without interuption.

[Heffernhyphen]

Originally Posted by jeanine123

How would you feel if someone you didn't know butted into a conversation you were having with a friend, especially if it were to disagree with what was being said?

I suppose it would depend upon how they butted in. If they sounded harsh and judgmental, it wouldn't sit well. If they seemed as if they were truly trying to share information I didn't have, I might be grateful. How does one ever learn anything new if others who know about it don't speak up?

Like my mother always said, It's not what you say, it's how you say it.

[carriebft]

A lot would depend on the situation, too. Are they amongst a group of people in ear shot of many? are others there just listening?

I think lots of times its just a "analyze the situation and go for it".

Like a few weeks back I was in line at Shop Rite and a mom said to another woman that circumcision prevents HIV. I was right behind them and piped up that it actually doesn't "prevent" HIV. We chatted and the other woman ended up taking my email to write me about more questions/concerns. SHe even contacted me to ask about the UTI myth.

So a little well placed activism may have saved a boy (not sure if she was having kids or just wanting to know, I made it more of an informational kinda convo)

[BCFD]

Originally Posted by Ruthla

A wedding isn't the place to make comments like that. If you had gotten friendly with her, and could have chatted about baby stuff and asked about BFing in a natural way, it would have been fine. But a quick comment based on seeing all the bottles in the diaper bag woudln't have gone over well.

You don't know if she's on medication that's incompatible with BFing, or had a double mastectomy before having kids, etc. It's far more likely that she simply chose to FF and could have BF if she'd cared to do so, but there's no way to know for certain, and every new mother deserves respect even if you think she's made stupid choices.

I agree. Also, how well do you know this woman? I know that I usually only know a few people at a wedding unless it's somebody in my family. Maybe her baby was a foster or adopted child? As for the comment, I guess we are all entitled to our own opinions, but I might of just asked her why she felt that way if I was involved in the conversation. If I was sitting at another table and not being addressed, I probably wouldh ave just stayed out of it. I think you made your statement by NIP.

[carriebft]

Of course, if that mom who thought breastmilk was gross has/had kids, she will probably pass on that feeling to them who will pass it on to their kids...and the cycle of breastphobia continues.

I say better make them think. Like the OP said, it's all about how you go about doing it.

You could also strike up a convo with that same woman later. Start in on unrelated things and work your way there.