sex education for our 5 year old

[zenfulmama]

i have read different research and some suggest giving full on sex ed to 5 year olds. i.e. the penis fills up w/blood, inserts to vagina, etc. studies say that this helps with all kinds of issues such as preventing abuse, molestion, promiscuity later, etc. I want to hear from mamas who are/have sex educated their children, the best resources, and experiences. i want to do this right. i am a survivor of sexual abuse and this is a very sensitive subject for me. but i need to face it head on. i would love to hear all about your experiences, thoughts, research, etc.

we are also facing some issues with sex play/exploration that has brought this up, and i'm thankful now, as it has been a catalyst to face something that i need to face--see my post under personal growth, if you care to chime in on that, too, i would appreciate it.

[Thalia the Muse]

I would be very careful about phrasing. "penis fills up with blood," for example, sounds very scary to a five-year-old!

My daughter's five, and we have done some basic "mechanics of sex" explanation. Women have eggs, men have sperm, you need one of each to make a baby, the baby grows in the uterus, when the couple makes a baby they hug and kiss and then the man's penis goes inside the woman's vagina and sperm come out, etc. That level of detail. Mostly she was only interested in the fetus and how it grew and where it came out, I think because it seemed to relate to her -- she was born a few years ago and had grown in me, some day her babies will grow in her uterus. The actual sex, she was all "uh-huh, can I see the baby in the mommy's tummy page again?" We've also had lots of "the private parts of your body belong to you, and no one else should be touching them without your permission, ever," but I did that separately from the sex stuff because I didn't want her to think of sex primarily in terms of being hurt or victimized or scared.

We used the book "It's So Amazing," and that seemed to do the job just fine. It has accurate cartoon pictures of naked people, developing fetuses, etc. (not intercourse, though, if I remember correctly).

I think it's great to talk about this stuff early, in very general terms at least -- not just to prevent abuse, but because sex is a huge and good part of life, and I'd rather they have accurate not-scary information about it before they start hearing weird versions from other kids, or drawing their own conclusions from magazine covers or something. It sounds like this is painful for you because of your own history, so it's great that you're tackling it anyway!

[JBaxter]

We had that "talk' when they were about 10yrs old and had family life class in school ( 5th grade). My boys would have no concept of sex at 5yrs old. I think my oldest did ask about 7 how babies got in mommys belly. I told him they grew from an egg. He was happy with that. Both of the older ones did question erections and I explained that the penis did that when it was full ( they assumed it was with pee!)

[Proudmom]

I am curious to read more comments on this. We are open with all topics in our household. My son knows about egg, sperm, birth, etc(we have several Usborne body books). He doesn't know the logistics of sex as he hasn't asked the how yet.

The issue I am having is a LOT of exploration. I am having some trouble handling it effectively. Any suggestions on that as well.

PM

[Thalia the Muse]

Exploration, as in masturbation? Or in fooling around with playmates?

[Roar]

Dittoing the suggestion for "It's So Amazing". There is a book that comes before it called: "It's Not the Stork" http://www.amazon.com/Its-Not-Stork-...9926462&sr=8-3
That would be a very good place to start. I'm a fan of having books especially if you are uncomfortable it gives you both a neutral place to focus and you don't have to search for words.

[Proudmom]

Originally Posted by Thalia the Muse

Exploration, as in masturbation? Or in fooling around with playmates?

the latter.

[littlemizflava]

i think sex talk starts early and just goes from name of parts and slowly goes in to more and more details .... me i never use the words "private parts" i use their names and say that no one should be touching them nore should you be touching someones elses (i too lived threw being molested 2 differnt people so i am very blunt with her i dont want her to hold it inside as i did) my dd knows she is free to touch them when she is alone(where ever that may be) she knows about bad people that do bad things she know it all from kidnapping to killing sorry i dont sugar coat the world to my kids, she also knows everything about babys thanks to being pg with my ds boy parts (including cut and whole), girl parts, about making a baby, about love and little about sex, menstration,

[angela&avery]

my ds is 5 and has known about sex for about a year. He was asking a ton ton of questions, so I bought the book Its So Amazing and we read it together. I kept giving him minimal answers and he was thirsty for more, so I told him everything. I havent had any questions since we read the book and the book has been left in his room for perusing any time he feels like it.

As far as exploration we have always been ok with him touching his penis and pulling or what have you when he is naked. Now that he is almost six he doesnt tend to hang around naked for long anymore, so that isnt an issue. When he has jammies on and no underpants though, he will put his hands in there and play with it... Im so used to seeing him do that, it doesnt really phase me. It is usually mindless too, like he is watching tv or when Im reading or something... sometimes when he is supposed to be reading to me I will ask him to stop so that he can concentrate....lol...


Whatever your issues are, you need to just try not to create a problem of ickiness with your child. As they get older you can explain that its not polite to play with your penis in front of company and other people and while its an ok thing to do, he needs to do it in the bathroom or in his room... you can explain that his penis is for him to touch only (we have done this with our ds). It is his special part of his body that nobody else should touch except for him. I think that this should cover exploration of himself and playmates, I would use this as an opening about not touching other childrens genitals and nobody touching his.

[Proudmom]

We have always used the correct terms for the body. We have lots of books around the house, and we read them whenever the interest rises. We have even looked at medical illustrations of body parts to allow the curiousity to be satisfied.

My ds still finds an interest in his playmates and sometimes younger sister. He has been told no one can touch his body without permission and vice versa. However, I think I should have just said that we don't touch other people's genitalia. His friends eagerly give permission. So, I am stumped.

PM

[mtiger]

Originally Posted by Proudmom

My ds still finds an interest in his playmates and sometimes younger sister. He has been told no one can touch his body without permission and vice versa. However, I think I should have just said that we don't touch other people's genitalia. His friends eagerly give permission. So, I am stumped.

PM

Perhaps it's time for another talk. As well as not leaving ds unsupervised with other kids.

[KariAnn]

Subbing, as I have been giving heavy thought on how to discuss this with my 5 yo dd.

[Lingmom]

Ditto the "It's not the Stork" suggestions. It's age-appropriate and yet very in-depth. I enjoyed reading it with my 5 yr old and it answered the questions she had in a much more eloquent way than I would have been able to muster.

[mirthfulmum]

Another "It's Not The Stork" ditto here.

Being pregnant with my 3rd has abviously raised a lot of questions about babies and where they come from at our house. "It's Not The Stork" explains the biology and mechanics of conception and fetal growth way more clearly than I ever could.

[heket]

Can I share a blurb about Robbie Harris and why her books are so important for a moment?

I was in Library School in 1997 deciding whether or not I wanted to go into Children's Librarianship. I had an awesome mentor/ professor who had been a former head of children's for a very large city library system. She related this story to her classes:

I believe my prof learned this at a conference from another librarian. Forgive me for not having the original source now -- it's been almost 10 years...

Anyway, the anecdotal story goes that a girl's mother was worried about the new behaviors her daughter was having. The mother thought that the daughter had experimented sexually with a playmate (we're talking like a 8-10 yo.) So, the mother decides to have a sex ed discussion with the daughter and uses It's Perfectly Normal. Well, that book has a chapter on molestation. When they reach that chapter, once the mom is done the daughter says, "That's what happened to me." The mom is shocked (needless to say) and responds, "Can you tell me about it?" The daughter is somewhat reluctant and says, "Daddy told me not to tell you, but he did that to me."

Okay, I'll give critics the benefit of the doubt that this might have never happened, but given this woman (my prof) was a huge advocate for children, I honestly doubt it. If I can remember correctly, she had learned of it from a professional conference. It was told to us during a discussion on Banned Books (which it is one of.) It seems this book was used during the case against this little girl's father. The theme was, "had this book not existed, would the girl's mother know of the molestation?"

That aside, I think Robbie Harris is a great contemporary author to use when discussing this kind of topic with children.

More on topic, and this is an older title but still of good use, many parents still opt for Where Did I Come From?

[orangeiron]

question

when you all say you use the corrct terms for the body parts what exactly do you use? penis is easy, but for a girl? the vagina isn't the part you see, it's inside. do you use labia? i always hesitate on this one because i want to use the correct terms, but i don't want to get complicated. dd is 4 and we have ended up saying peepee for both male and female parts, which i don't like, but it's what she seemed most comfortable with and settled on.

[candipooh]

Originally Posted by orangeiron

when you all say you use the corrct terms for the body parts what exactly do you use? penis is easy, but for a girl? the vagina isn't the part you see, it's inside. do you use labia? i always hesitate on this one because i want to use the correct terms, but i don't want to get complicated. dd is 4 and we have ended up saying peepee for both male and female parts, which i don't like, but it's what she seemed most comfortable with and settled on.

Vulva.

[the_lissa]

I use vulva as well.

My daughter is 3, and I recently gave her a mirror and told her what all the parts are exactly, but we use vulva generally.

[mirthfulmum]

Originally Posted by orangeiron

when you all say you use the corrct terms for the body parts what exactly do you use?

We tell the boys that boys/men have a penis and testicles, girls/women have a vulva and vagina. That way the important and obvious parts are made clear for both genders.

[momma of monkeys]

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