Helping a child deal with being excluded?

[mightymoo]

My DD today told me when I picked her up from school that three other girls at school were having a "party" (pretend I think) and that she wasn't invited. She was pretty upset about it, she said she cried and was looking for me (since it was close to pick up time). I talked to her a bit about it, she said they said she couldn't join because she had long hair, etc. I talked to her a bit about how that made her feel sad, etc, but I just felt at a loss for how to help her with it ?

I feel like this is a topic that is going to come up over and over again through the years and I'm just looking for some input on the types of things you say to your kids. I'd love it if you could give me examples of converations with your child (or the gist of them) that you've had on the topic of being excluded.

I'm not expecting I can just make her feel happy, but from the adult perspective I realize that these kids are excluding her probably because it makes them feel powerful or a variety of reasons, but the best way to deal with it is to move on and enjoy doing something else they will want to join you in, etc. I'm just at a loss, this isn't something I've read a lot about and empathizing with her about her sadness is fine, but I'm not sure its helping her handle the situation better the next time it comes up.

For that matter, I'm not sure what the "right" way for a 4 year old to handle being excluded, kwim?

[LoveBeads]

I have two thoughts (and yes, this topic will come up many more times in the next several years):

1) the school should really be proactive in making sure that kids are not allowed to form exclusionary cliques. You might want to talk to the school and see what they can suggest your DD can do if she is feeling left out.

2) a mom at my DD's school asked me if my DD would volunteer to be her dd's special friend if she is feeling excluded. In other words, these two girls (who are quite friendly but they don't hang out together every day) will be there for each other if one is feeling left out by another group. I proposed the idea to my DD and she loved it! She comes home and tells me if she was feeling left out and approached this other little girl who welcomed her unconditionally and vice versa. It doesn't happen very often but at the time it was an issue, it was very helpful for both girls.

[oliversmum2000]

i would encourage her to talk to her teacher at the time as she is there to help. and i would make sure that i validate her feelings as painful as that maybe for us as mothers to accept how sad our child might have been it is important for them to feel heard and understood.

i have had trouble feeling included and accepted among the mums and ds's school and have at times felt excluded - it hurts, maybe you could talk to her about times when you have felt that way and tell her you understand and tell her how things changed for you or what you did to cheer yourself up.

[dancingmama]

Originally Posted by LoveBeads

2) a mom at my DD's school asked me if my DD would volunteer to be her dd's special friend if she is feeling excluded. In other words, these two girls (who are quite friendly but they don't hang out together every day) will be there for each other if one is feeling left out by another group. I proposed the idea to my DD and she loved it! She comes home and tells me if she was feeling left out and approached this other little girl who welcomed her unconditionally and vice versa. It doesn't happen very often but at the time it was an issue, it was very helpful for both girls.

Wow, what a great idea.