Don't tell me when he misbehaves.

[jdedmom]

I want to get opinions from parents in general....a little background,

When my oldest DS was in 2nd grade he brought home behavior slips every day. It wasn't major things, more like he figited in class or he wasn't paying attention. Every day I dreaded when he got off the bus and brought me the slip to sign. I felt frustrated with him and felt I was failing as a parent. I now realize he had bad chemistry with his teacher (he didn't like her and she didn't like him). He has since been diagnosed with ADD so that was probably part of the problem. Anyway he is now in 5th grade and 3rd, 4th and 5th grade have not been nearly as bad as 2nd grade.

My middle son is 6. He has been with the same teacher at Montessori school for the past three years. His first year he was undiagnosed and unmedicated ADHD. His teacher helped guide us towards evaluations and diagnoses and has been instrumental in supporting us and guiding him. (We also believe he is undiagnosed Aspergers (very impulsive.)) Rarely did we get reports of behavior issues. I know from dealing with him daily that there is always issues. For the most part his teacher has dealt with problems immediately so when I picked him up it was mostly pleasant and welcoming and not dread filled.

So next year my DS will be going to 1st grade in the public school system mainly for special education services. We had his IEP (Individual Education Plan) meeting to determine the best way to help him learn and behave at school. (He will be in a regular classroom) I specifically asked that I not be told about every incident of misbehavior because 1. What can I do after the fact? 2. I am sure he will have issues daily 3. I don't want to dread when my DS comes home for fear of notes to sign

I now feel incredibly guilty for appearing like I don't care what happens at school and that I am ignoring potential problems and that I expect the school to deal with him without any support from me. I also don't want his teacher to get this impression either. So do I encourage the school/teacher to tell me about every little thing or do I make it clear that I expect to be informed of major issues only?

It hasn't helped that several educators have told me to be clear with my expectations because some parents do want to know everything and some don't. It's not that I don't want to know everything but I don't want my view of his schooling as negative.

[ThreeBeans]

Perhaps what bothered you was not so much the notification but the punitive and repetitive nature of it?


I would work on finding a DIFFERENT way to communicate what goes on in the classroom. Under no circumstances would I say, "i don't want to hear about it" because goodness knows there is precious little communication in general between parents and teacher.

[Momma Aimee]

i would make it part of the IEP -- whcih "behaviors" get a home note and wish don't -- that is maybe "being off task" is NOT a home note unless it happnes X times in one day, where as "rude speech to adult or peer" is a note home.....see what i am getting at?

it doesn't ahve to be all or nothing, it needs to be based on your son's personal issues or common actions.

maybe talking out of turn is not a note home but acting in a distructive manner is? see what i mean.

spell it out as PART of his IEP -- more or less "behaviors to mostly ignore unless excessive because they are things he is unable -- at this point to control" vs "beahviors to address because they are on the action list currently" -- big picture vs little details.

Aimee

[pumpkingirl71]

If your fist son was undiagnosed, I think you will find thw whole experience with an IEP very different. Many of my students bring home progress reports every Friday listing both good and bad. It is also nice to get the chance to focus on the positive.

[PikkuMyy]

Is it the same school?

I have never worked with a school that sent home notes for behaviors.

There should be a behavior section of his IEP that dictates what behavioral issues they will be addressing at school, why they need to be addressed, and how they will address them. Then those will be goals and expected and you will not get notes.

[nd_deadhead]

I think open lines of communication with a teacher are critical, especially if a child is having problems of any kind. But there are lots of ways for parents and teachers to communicate without sending notes via the child.

Does the school have e-mail? I have loved being able to e-mail my sons' teachers, either to let them know of things going on at home, to ask about progress, to learn about issues, to thank them for extra effort. I have also had relationships with teachers which involved frequent phone calls.

I strongly believe a child's education rests on a 3-legged stool - the teacher, the parents, and the child. All three need to work together for a successful outcome. I hope you can come up with a way to stay in touch with your son's teacher on a regular basis.

[Momma Aimee]

i agree with PP -- teh IEP exoereince will be a lot better thant he undx expereince with your first son.

how about a sheet -- created -- that could be a daily bring home sheet

Today I was sucvcesful at ---
Today I sturggles with --
What i need to remember for tomorrow is --

I used a sheet like this (printed on a 1/2 sheet of paper in a birght color) for one of my foster sons. teacher filled it out......

it allowed us to see daily what he WAS doing well as well as what he was sturggling with.....

Aimee

[HollyBearsMom]

I really like what Aimee said!

Our nanny keeps a journal for us that she writes in thru out the day. It includes what they did, where they went and most importantly the "good" and the "bad". It allows us to see into his day and recognize positive developments and work on issues. Since our nanny does school pick up she gets the general daily feedback from the teachers and writes those down for us too. I still communicate with the our nanny during the day as well as the teachers (during drop off and via email) but still it is nice to get a whole recap of his day not just the "bad".

[jdedmom]

Thanks for the responses and great ideas. I guess I know in my heart I want and need to know what goes on at school and with my child good or bad. There have only been a few people that interact with my DS that have consistantly enjoyed him in a positive way, including teachers, neighbors, friends, other kids and even family. He is not that bad and I don't think many make an effort to know he is a special kid. His current teacher is one that loves him, apprieciates him and understands him and I am already devistated for him losing her. (I am actually crying typing this).:

I guess I am trying to protect myself from the negativity and am already expecting his new teacher not to apprieciate him. That is really not fair of me. I am comfortable with his IEP so I think I need to chill and wait and see after school starts before I jump to conclusions.

I intend to keep all your ideas in mind. I love the email idea and the weekly progess reports that include positive things too. Those I can handle.

[rmzbm]

I hate those things. When DS was in school I REFUSED to EVER sign it. Too punative...and why all this focus on the negative? : Good luck to you & I hope he has a terrific teacher next year again!

[Nankay]

We had a "thumbs uo" thumbs down" "double thumbs up" rating. When we would pick up Liv, the teacher would spot me and give me the sign. If was a "double thumbs down" she made sure she spoke to me.