I've wrecked our atmosphere

[mamatoady]

I need some help. I have been a total b@#$ the last few months (though I've had my good parts too), but I've been angry and depressed and etcetc...I just got put on antidepressants and I'm hoping this will help.

The problem is that I've noticed my 4.5 year old getting really snotty lately (talking back, yelling at me if she doesn't want to do what I'm telling her, ignoring requests (I literally have to tell her 3-5 times to do something and throw in a threat or she acts like she hasn't heard me), and doing a lot of things that she knows she shouldn't do (like hang from the freezer door or make huge messes that she refuses to clean up).

I take full responsibility for how she is behaving. She is a really good, loving, generally easier than any other kid I know. I don't know how to change her behaviors that she's picked up though. I think some of the problems are that she's bored, she needs more one-on-one time with me, and I need to clean up her diet a bit....but I don't know how to actually change the behaviors or if they'll just go away as our family atmosphere gets cleaner.

for example (this one's really been getting to me as she weighs 43 lbs and I fear she's going to rip the freezer door off)

me: A, get down and close the door (I started off more motherly and loving, giving reasons etc...but it happens so much its now just the directive)

her: continues to swing, appears to not hear me

me: A!(louder), get down! I have told you before...you'll break the door.

her: continues to swing, might say "but I want to swing"

me: goes over to her and pulls her off the door, I close it...."I am tired of telling you not to do stuff all the time. Listen to me the first time.

her: ok, I will.

2 hours later, repeat above scene and generally a time out given for not listening.

:
my parenting just sucks lately. I don't know what to do. Sometimes these scenereos end up in me yelling at her (which I hate about myself)....and our whole day ends up sucking royally.

how do I fix us?

ps...I'm sure to some people this scenerio doesn't sound that bad, but it's just an inkling of the whole negative atmosphere I feel we are in.

sarah

[hipumpkins]

How about only telling her once to get down?
IE:
the freezer door will break...come down.

Her: ignoring

you: get up..go over. "I know it is fun to hang on the door but let's see what else you can hang on. *Remove her* then go find a park with monkey bars or something in your home that she can hang on>

I Can"t think of anything that a Four year old can hang on in the house but maybe you have something>

[chaoticzenmom]

Um, I know this is your first experience with a 4.5 year old, but it's pretty normal sounding to me. You didn't wreck anything.

I agree with the PP. Talk the first time, then physically (gently, firmly) remove the child and try to find something else for them to do. Then, you're not yelling and embarrassing yourself, but you've gotten your point across.

It gets better at around 5. I think that most books say that the 1/2 years are really hard. I find that to be true for my kids mostly. Just when I think I can't handle another minute with my children's attitude, they become angels.....just long enough for me to catch a breath and then we swing back into disequilibrium. I live for those angel moments!

Don't be so hard on yourself. Nobody is perfect......well, I'm not perfect.
Lisa (mom to 3 wonderful children)

[mamatoady]

thank you, both for your replies....

I think what angers me the most is that I literally have to repeat every single demand/request and I don't understand WHY she refuses to acknowledge me the first time I say it, "get dressed" "go potty if you have to go (legs crossed)" "put your cup on the counter"...it doesn't matter. Every thing I say, I say over and over and generally end up FORCING her to comply.

Is THAT normal?

sarah

[kamilla626]

It sounds like you know what you need to do, and I think you handled the freezer door scenario pretty well.

One thing that stood out to me is that you told her you "I'm tired of telling you..." and IMO when children are being redirected, it's best not to make it too much about you, if that makes sense.

I often hear my SIL say things like "I don't know why you do this to me! Don't you know how tired I am? I'm so angry I don't know what to do any more", etc. Her kids have confided in me that they get so worked up about "making mom freak out" that they can't concentrate on what they really should be doing.

I'm not saying that you're making statements like that, but I know I've done it plenty and it's easy to do when you're stressed out. At the time when you're asking her to do something, the focus should be on what she's doing and what you'd like her to do instead - not your fatigue, anger, whatever.

I do think it's appropriate though, to talk with her during a non-stressful time about how you've been super tired and that you want to work together with her to make the household feel more calm and happy again.

[chaoticzenmom]

Originally Posted by mamatoady

thank you, both for your replies....

I think what angers me the most is that I literally have to repeat every single demand/request and I don't understand WHY she refuses to acknowledge me the first time I say it, "get dressed" "go potty if you have to go (legs crossed)" "put your cup on the counter"...it doesn't matter. Every thing I say, I say over and over and generally end up FORCING her to comply.

Is THAT normal?

sarah

Yep, it's normal. Unfortunately. What helps me is to look for parenting books that I love. Raising your spirited child and the Alfie Kohn DVD really help me to feel more in control of the situation...and myself!

Feel better.
Lisa

[mlec]

P.E.T. Parent Effectiveness Training is a great book. Another one that could really help w/ the no-listening is Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline by Becky Bailey. You can buy them off Amazon.com. REALLY worth the $

[Attached Mama]

My dd is only not quite 2, but what helps for her is to have a place that she can sit and calm down if she can't control her actions - such as hitting, etc.

I agree with the redirecting - maybe you could hang a chin up bar in a doorway - like the tension kind - and let your child hang from that and swing???

Anyway, if dd is having trouble and can't control herself to stop some action then I will sit her in her booster seat - not liek a time out. We still talk to her, she is in the room with us, there is no timer or set time to be there etc. She will even ask sometimes "need to sit chair, calm down". So I would suggest something like that. Then when Dd is sitting calmly we can talk about it and not be so "in the heat of the moment".

[mlec]

Another idea, from your fellow atmosphere-wrecker: After a stint as "mean Mama" my dd really needs some loving Q-time with "nice mama" stories from my childhood, cuddles and rocking, reading books, coloring together a long time. Lots of positive-vibe oone-on-one to fix all those hurts from yelling and punishment. (I totally don't believe in either, just frayed at both ends from life recently).

[LovinLiviLou]

I'm right there with you as an atmosphere wrecker. Luckily, I think we're/I'm on the mend, and already (just in 3 weeks), I've seen a change in my daughter. Something I always try to remember is that she is learning from my reactions. You can't control her actions, but you can control your reaction. I've tried to come up with creative ways to respond - like in the freezer door scenario, you might want to start making monkey noises and say "oh my, oh my, there's a monkey on my freezer. Come here little monkey and let me tickle you." If I can get my daughter to laugh, then she immediatley becomes cooperative. Admittedly, this approach takes more energy than I sometimes feel I've got, but in the end it is actually less draining because I avoid the outburst/guilt cycle.

A great book for more ideas like this is "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & How to Listen So Kids Will Talk." This book is a QUICK, easy read and is fabulous (in my opinion) for giving you alternative ways to respond.

[hottmama]

That sounds just like my 4.5 yr. old!

[JandJmom]

I also have a 4.5 yr old who is acting the SAME way. We moved 6 months ago to temporary housing and my patience starting wearing thin on about the 2nd day...so her behavior has changed for the worse (in response to my being stressed out, I'm sure)
Someone recommended a book to me that I am reading right now, called
1-2-3 Magic. The person that recommended it to me is a child psychologist and he said it works really well. It's worth a shot if you want to try something new. My dd is a hell on wheels lately so I can relate..she just won't listen.

[A Boy's Mama]

Mama, I could have written almost exactly the same post. I have a feeling I've got quite a while more to deal with this since my kiddo is only 3.5.

Anyways, hang in there and don't beat yourself up for getting frustrated. Mamas are human too.

[gratefulbambina]

Boy I thought it was just me also, sounds just like my 4 yr old

[KariAnn]

Subbing. I posted earlier about my sahm woes and this may help to mend the fences (so to speak) with dd. Also it helps to know I'm not alone. Dd doesn't like "mean mommy"! Heck, I don't like "mean mommy" either.

[marybethorama]

What helps with my kids is if I physically redirect them. Also I like the "How to talk so your kids will listen" style of reminders

I haven't read the book for a while but as I remember your reminder gets shorter every time.

Also it might help to avoid the word "no" like you do with toddlers-you know the theory that toddlers don't hear the "don't" part

Just last night I found myself telling my 9yo "Benches are for sitting" (he and a friend were running on picnic table benches)

[pinksprklybarefoot]

Same 4.5 year-old behavior around here, too. I keep wondering if she's 15 or 4.5.

Don't beat yourself up. I think you are doing just fine. It's just a trying age.

[4Marmalade]

The scenario you decribed is very typical of the type of my stuff my 4.5 year old ds is doing right now. He can be so focused and persistent when he wants to be. I can't wait for the day when I see those qualities as being "good". Right now it's just hard. We just had a really bad moment regarding spitting : and I broke down, gave him a hug, gave him an apple and sat him down in front of the TV so I could get on here and read a tiny bit to help me get a grip again.

[Jessy1019]

Sounds like my 4.5 year old too.

It really does help to be humorous with her, but it's HARD when she's doing something for the millionth time and I know she knows better. It almost always works, but sometimes I just don't feel like making her laugh when I'm sooooo mad. :

[bearaboo]

When our daughter turned 4, I called up and my mom and asked WHY she didn't tell me about the ferocious fours?! We had NO problem with the "terrible twos" but four was awful! What helped us was to give her a choice. "You have a choice: you can come inside and play a game or not come inside and I will come get you for a time out". Sometimes neither choice was too great but at least she knew that if she didn't like the result it was HER fault for the choice she made!

Good luck!