We finally disagree on a parenting issue...sigh.

[mamalisa]

And I'm right! Well, maybe. Dh grew up without a lot of "stuff". His parents weren't well off and it was really hard for him. I'm talking, holey socks, basic clothing but also toys ect. My parents gave us everything our little hearts desired. Holidays and birthdays brought on enough gifts for 6 kids. I remember my dad once counting 72 pairs of socks between me and my sister. So that's the backround.

Our current issues is this. Ds is going to recieve an award from school, basically a good citizenship thing. He is an extremely sweet and caring child who really goes out of his way to compliment others, help those who need it and generally be a good person. There is a special needs child in his class that ds has taken on as his own little project. He helps J get in the right spot, helps guide him if he needs it, it's really sweet to watch. He's the same way with his baby sister. So he's getting this award and the letter that got sent home brought tears to our eyes, we're just so proud of the person that he is.

Dh wants to buy him his most coveted want as a reward. Heelys. Now, aside from my issues with Heelys (I type Hellys everytime, hmmm) I think he's being ridiculous. His reward IS THE AWARD!! His gift from us should be coming to the ceremony and beaming with pride. Telling him we're proud of the person that he is, encourgaging him to be proud of himself and to continue on the path of being kind, supportive and helpful. Maybe stopping for ice cream, not some huge overpriced piece of sports equipment.

Dh disagrees and I'm certain he will buy them anyway. It's not an issue of ds being a spoiled brat or anything like that. He's a kind and generous kid (he just bagged up tons of stuff for goodwill and the children's hospital). But I hate the thought of rewarding behavior that is expected.

Thoughts or advice?

[TattooedMama]

I'm with you on this one. I fight with XP all the time about this same issue. I don't know what kind of school your ds is in, but we are a Montessori family. One thing that I love about Montessori philosophy (that XP TOTALLY doesn't get!) is that intrinsic motivation is key. You are right about that. The reward IS the reward. After a while if too many extrinsic motivators are placed on a child (like being paid for good grades in school) then the intrinsic motivation will slip. I really like your idea of celebrating your sons honor and making it a fun family time by going out for ice cream afterwards.
On the other hand, it can be hard when one is raised without a lot of extras to want to do the opposite with our kids. If it is important to dh to get this toy/thing (I don't even know what it is!) for ds, then let him. In a couple of weeks. But do not tie it to good behavior as a reward. Just my opinion,

[captain optimism]

I had to look up what a "heely" was!

How about your dh buys your son a heely just because he wants him to have one, and the prize for being a nice person (already kind of a weird idea!) is separate?

I think it's great that your dh wants to give his son what he didn't have. I don't see why he shouldn't do that. I know when I was a kid, I thought that some of the immigrant parents in our neighborhood "spoiled" my peers. But now I think--hey, they went hungry. So they want to buy their kid fancy things. Let them have that enjoyment.

[Thalia the Muse]

I think there's a middle ground here. In my family, awards are definitely occasions for celebration! Rather than buying him a present, why not take him out to dinner or on a picnic, or bake a cake? Have a little family celebration together. To me, winning an award goes beyond "behavior that is expected." If I get a promotion at work or DH lands a composing gig, we go out to dinner and celebrate -- I think a school award is equivalent.

[melissel]

Originally Posted by Thalia the Muse

I think there's a middle ground here. In my family, awards are definitely occasions for celebration! Rather than buying him a present, why not take him out to dinner or on a picnic, or bake a cake? Have a little family celebration together. To me, winning an award goes beyond "behavior that is expected." If I get a promotion at work or DH lands a composing gig, we go out to dinner and celebrate -- I think a school award is equivalent.

What she said!

[Flower of Bliss]

Oh, Heelys are the shoes with little wheels. I always think those look neat, but I don't have a child yet (she's only 9 months), so as a mom I might end up agreeing with you.

I think doing something special for your DS to celebrate the award, like dinner out or a picnic, would be nice. Perhaps your DS could get the shoes for his birthday? or Christmas? or something?

I don't think the idea of rewarding your child with stuff is great. He was a sweet child because he's a great kid, not to get the award or with the hopes of getting special shoes. However, to periodically award an extra special thing with a gift isn't awful. The award sounds like quite an accomplishment. It's not quite the same as promising your child a reward for grades so that he's performing just to get the award.

Good luck deciding.

Sage

[newmommy]

If that was our family, DH and I would buy DS the Heelys.

[Juvysen]

I think the award aside, your child's reward is the good feeling that he gets from helping others, and to tie that to a material thing is a little sad to me. I think there are too many people in the world who do things just to get noticed and rewarded and not to gain an internal reward and it's one of my goals in raising my children that they recognize their internal reward as something that's better than something money can buy (or recognition from whatever group).

[Chug-a-Pug]

What about telling your son that part of the reward, besides the award (and maybe taking him out to dinner?) is thst you and dh will allow him to start earning a pair of heelys (or is it heelies?). That could be a compromise. Sort of like saying you've noticed he's responsible, and here's another responsiblity for him to undertake with heelys as the reward.

[4evermom]

Originally Posted by captain optimism

I had to look up what a "heely" was!

How about your dh buys your son a heely just because he wants him to have one, and the prize for being a nice person (already kind of a weird idea!) is separate?

I think it's great that your dh wants to give his son what he didn't have. I don't see why he shouldn't do that. I know when I was a kid, I thought that some of the immigrant parents in our neighborhood "spoiled" my peers. But now I think--hey, they went hungry. So they want to buy their kid fancy things. Let them have that enjoyment.

ITA

[Thalia the Muse]

I think the Heelies would make a great birthday present.

[CarrieMF]

How often are awards given at school? Here they are monthly and obviously not all kids get them every month or even every year. My girls are in Grade 3 & K. The one in has received 1 award way back in Sept. The one in Grade 3 has received at least 1 award each year, but has received 3 or 4 in a year too.

I kinda agree with both of you but no way would I be getting heelys for my kids for an award, they're $130 for a pair of them here.

I do think going out for icecream or buying a small special treat isn't such a bad idea, especially if it his first award. It can be incentive for them.

But I hate the thought of rewarding behavior that is expected.

The only problem with this is that eventually as adults you are rewarded for behaviour that is expected.

[oliversmum2000]

i think the heelys diminish the award he is receiving and take the focus away from him and his good work.

[LynnS6]

I'd be OK with dh buying him the heelys, but I'd ask him to not tie it to the award.

Sometimes our kids get special things just 'because'.

School is almost out. Summer is a good time to learn how to use heelys. Get it as an 'end fo the school year' present or something.

[ThreeBeans]

Originally Posted by oliversmum2000

i think the heelys diminish the award he is receiving and take the focus away from him and his good work.

I agree with this. A material thing like that just minimalizes and belittles his good spirit and kind heart, and I think that's sad.

Plus, Heelys ARE OF THE DEBBUL :


I would voted for a small family celebration afterward. Going out for ice cream. Even a favorite family restaurant. But certainly not HELLYS. (great spelling. I'm adopting it.)

[Roar]

If it makes you feel better - not only do I disagree with DH about the Heelys I disagree with the school about giving out awards for being a nice person. If the teacher wanted to give his shoulder a squeeze and say "hey I've really noticed that you watch out for everyone and your kind actions are appreciated" that'd be fine with me. But, to single out a student for being a good citizen and to reward it, isn't something I can support. There are many kids who may try to be nice but naturally not have as good self control or whatever. In general I don't like the "catch you being good" type of prizes. To me the certificate and the ceremony are just another version of Heelys. Not as bad, but on the same continuum of making it about external validation and awards.

[chel]

Could you give the shoes as a "graduation" prize.

My dd has been wanting some pollypockets for a while. Lots of her mini princesses have broken (most are 4yrs old-toddlerhood can be very rough on dolls!)

Our family has the same backgrounds. I really hate "stuff" and try to only give dd toys for b/d or holidays, though we have a holiday every month it seems. So I just hold off till one comes up, though I was really searching for something till I thought of graduation, as there's no "gift" holiday after Easter till dd's b/d the end of summer.

[Eman'smom]

I'm not sure, I agree with you in theory, but I was your husband growing up. I was the oldest and still wore hand me downs, I wore free clothes, even thrift was too expensive, until I was 15 and started earning my own money. I barely got any Christmas presents, there were never "just because" treats, nothing.


Now as the parent I find it hard to say no to the kids (I'm working on this), I'm just saying I understand where you dh is coming from.


From the sound of your post your ds is a good kid, and he didn't do this for the award/reward, he did this because he wanted to help. I honestly don't see the harm in getting him something he really wants.

[Mama2Bug]

I wouldn't tie ( no pun intended ) the shoes to the school award, but I don't see the harm in giving them as a "just because we love you and are very glad to have you as our son" surprise. Maybe you could give them a week later or something, to keep it a separate occasion.

I don't think kids need to be rewarded for every right action, nor do I think they need to receive everything that strikes their fancy. However, I don't see anything wrong with buying your kid their "heart's desire" of the moment just because you love them and want to please them, at least very occasionally. (Unless what they desire is absolutely out-of-budget, naturally.)

[heket]

Originally Posted by Juvysen

I think the award aside, your child's reward is the good feeling that he gets from helping others, and to tie that to a material thing is a little sad to me. I think there are too many people in the world who do things just to get noticed and rewarded and not to gain an internal reward and it's one of my goals in raising my children that they recognize their internal reward as something that's better than something money can buy (or recognition from whatever group).

:

I'm biased, I hate heelys. I think they are a frivolous item I wouldn't buy for our dc.

That said, I could see dh being talked into a pair. But thankfully our dc are small, so there will be some other obstacle to overcome in the future.

From the OP, I can say sorry, I don't think he gets the heelys. From my experience, the award is enough. When you offer more (no matter how well intentioned), you create problems.

I do like the taking out to dinner ideas (my parents did that for me before my brother was born) or something that would be of significance to your ds. Instead of a material object, look for an act that would be greater. I think that would mean more than a pair of heelys.