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Originally Posted by mama-a-llama  I'd love to hear some concrete examples of ways this could be phrased that don't trigger the listener to feel attacked.
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A couple very simple and very generally-applicable techniques for building rapport when discussing information that might be new to a mother:
1) Reflect back what she has already said, so that she knows you really did hear her.
2) Affirm and praise whatever positives you can find in her situation and choices. Do this first and last, so that the stuff that is potentially more difficult is cushioned on either side and the harsh idea is neither her first nor last impression of you.
3) Offer information, don't give advice. Instead of saying, "You should do X, because of A!" -- try saying, "A lot of mothers have found A to be true/There is good evidence that A is often true; have you considered doing X?"
An example conversation, pulled right out of my half-dead but still creative brain:
Mother of a 7do newborn: My baby had some formula supplements in the hospital; the nurses said my milk wouldn't come in for three whole days and he was starving, so I fed him with a bottle a couple times. Now he's often fussy when he nurses. I must not have enough milk for him.
Me (reflecting): You and the nurses felt he was getting too hungry, so you gave him some formula. Now you're worried that he's not getting enough milk when he nurses.
Mother: Yes. I know the breastfeeding books and stuff say to avoid early supplements, but the nurses said he might lose more weight if we didn't feed him. It was so scary to hear that -- I want to breastfeed, but I can't let my baby starve!
Me (reflecting, affirming): The nurses told you that he needed the formula. It must have been upsetting to hear that about his weight loss. Of course you want to make sure your baby has enough food to eat -- you're a good mother!
Mother: And I guess they were right about my milk being slow or not making enough milk, because we're having all these problems now. If he were getting enough milk, he'd be calm and just nurse, right?
Me (offering new information): Well, if they told you he needed formula because your milk wouldn't come in for three days, they may have jumped the gun a bit. Some hospitals don't do a very good job in training their postpartum nurses in breastfeeding. It's normal for a new mother's milk to take three to five days to increase in quantity -- that first milk you were making, the colostrum, is usually enough for a newborn's tiny stomach. (me, affirming) ... but, it was only natural for you to trust what they told you -- we are really dependent on our care providers to provide good information, aren't we? (me, praising) ... and, like I said, a good mother feeds her baby. You were also so wise to reach out now for some extra help with breastfeeding.
(Then I would switch to the fussy-while-nursing issue, and walk her through information about diaper counts being the only reliable way to know whether a baby is getting enough milk, and that the fussy-while-nursing behavior might be due to nipple/flow preference, or overactive letdown, or any number of other factors and that unless his diaper count is below the minimum, baby is getting plenty of her wonderful milk in his sweet tummy -- and throughout, I would repeat these reflecting and affirming dialogue techniques and offer information, not advice.)
So much of breastfeeding support is about building up a mother's confidence in herself as a mother. This is what I love about LLL's philosophy and approach. LLL believes that every mother is the expert on her own child and her own breastfeeding relationship. It's "Better mothering THROUGH breastfeeding" -- it's not "More breastfeeding, no matter how terrible it makes a mother feel about herself!"
Now, this is just one possible scenario, and it assumes a mother is still breastfeeding and has more immediate concerns than the sabotage by medical personnel. Sometimes I am conversing with a mother who is mourning the loss of her breastfeeding relationship (sometimes it was YEARS ago and she is still grieving.) If her story involves medical sabotage which she doesn't recognize as such, then (in between reflecting, affirming, praising, etc.) I might slip in some information like, "Your doctor may not have understood the way his advice might impact your breastfeeding relationship. It's really very common for doctors to learn almost nothing about breastfeeding in medical school, and of course the formula companies target them with a lot of samples and literature, too." And I would affirm with some statement like, "Misinformation from someone you trust, like your doctor, can really derail things! I think it's really hard to breastfeed if you don't have accurate information and the right kinds of support from everyone involved."
