Tantrums in at 11 months

[rikiamber]

He's only 11 months, this started at about 9 months. The crying and screaming when I would take the bowl of dog food away or a pen or anything else non-kid friendly. He screams and fights when we change his diaper. This is frustrating, amusing and befuddling all at once. How can one so young learn to throw a fit like this. I know that at day care tantrums are not tolerated they are given time outs so I dont think he is learning it there. WE try not to spoil him but we are a bit laid back as parents and as long as hes not hurting himself, the object or others its all kosher. I usually try to redirect this behavior or ignore it until he stops or talk him through it. Any other suggestions? Comments? encouragement?

TIA

[devster4fun]

The comment about timeouts at daycare is disturbing. I hope you don't mean they're putting an 11 month old in timeout?! I'm against them all together, but they are certainly pointless in a young infant. And, "tantrums are not tolerated??" Um...what exactly do they do? Tantrums are normal and the only way non-verbal infants/children can express they're frustration.

I'm no expert, but this behavior is normal and expected. They're trying to figure out how the world works. Again, at this early age...distraction and re-direction is the name of the game. I never take something away, without replacing it with an appropriate toy.

I always start a diaper change with something interesting for her to look at.

My goal is to predict her reactions and prevent the "tantrums" whenever possible. (My DD is 13 months)

[hippymomma69]

Originally Posted by rikiamber

The crying and screaming when I would take the bowl of dog food away or a pen or anything else non-kid friendly. He screams and fights when we change his diaper.
TIA

Well this sounds like totally typical behavior to me and not anything you need to "discipline" at this stage. Unless your DS is a verbal genius and is already talking, the screaming and crying is the only way he has to communicate so far. So I usually pretend that my kids are "talking" to me with their crying and I respond appropriately "I know you wanted to play with the dog food sweetie. Let's go see if we can find something else."

My opinion is that if my child is "getting in to things" it's my fault as a parent for leaving them out. If the dog food is a problem, move it to an inaccessible area. Keep pens, etc out of the way...KWIM?

The diapering thing - well get used to it. At least in my house. It helps some if I tell the kids "okay, time to change your diaper" - but they still often don't like it! LOL


Anyway, I agree with PP that the "timeout" scenario for the daycare sounds like it will do more harm than good. What good is a timeout for someone that doesn't understand what is going on? I just don't see the point of them for pre-verbal kids.

So take comfort that your child is COMPLETELY normal and will not turn out to be a terror if you don't do something immediately... My daughter did all this and more and now she is a very well behaved 3.5 year old!

peace,
robyn

[AbbieB]

Originally Posted by rikiamber

I know that at day care tantrums are not tolerated they are given time outs so I dont think he is learning it there.

: No way is time out an OK thing for babies! I'm not even sure they are OK for toddlers either. And of course, as others have pointed out, that's how little ones communicate their frustration. It's totally normal!

Originally Posted by rikiamber

WE try not to spoil him but we are a bit laid back as parents and as long as hes not hurting himself, the object or others its all kosher. I usually try to redirect this behavior...

There is no way you can "spoil" a baby. I am sure many of us would agree that your "laid back" approach is actually not at all that extreme, it's just appropriate for gentle discipline .

Redirection is the best thing you can do at this age I remember playing the "trade" game for quite awhile. "Oh, look. I have toy for you, trade." Then I would take away the unsafe object as my little one reached for what ever it was I was trading with. Often the conversation was simply "Trade!"

An advantage to teaching the word trade to a baby is that as they get to be toddlers and start squabbling over toys that others have, you can simply say "trade" and the kids will (on good days )switch toys without a fuss. (Toddlers seem to always want the toy their playmate has and like to just grab.)

[PreggieUBA2C]

Wow. TO for an infant. I actually think that's cruel; I hope that you are able to resolve that with the daycare if they are using that to punish you dc. I cannot even imagine doing that. In our experience, with highly verbal, early talkers, TO there would have begun for ds1 and ds3 at four months and for ds2 at 2 months. Children develop at different intervals and if you're not there with them, helping them to manage whatever is overwhelming them, they are being left alone to cope without adequate coping skills; their age doesn't really matter. Goodness, I still have the occassional meltdown and having someone to talk to who cares for me and isn't just going to walk out on me is so much more valuable and actually empowering and reassuring! It's funny, a good kennel wouldn't do that to a crying puppy...

Anyway, I think that tantrums are normal whenever they happen. If I had relied upon milestone charts to tell me when tantrums were 'appropriate,' I would have completely missed out on a years of our dc's lives during which time they obviously really needed me.

I'm not saying it's a waste of time to be aware of common age-related stages and 'normal' behaviour, just that in the end, it's just you being there for and with your child, whether or not he/she conforms to the norm. I suspect most children don't fall within the 'norm' at some point (or every point...).

I personally wouldn't ever ignore a tantrum. I try to help them identify what they are feeling by speaking to them through it, offering hugs & kisses, reassuring them that when they are ready, I am looking forward to hugging them, talking, helping, telling them repeatedly that I am staying with them, and I NEVER leave. It used to be stressful, but now I relax knowing that I don't have to control the situation or fix it at all. I just have to be there and be willing to help them work out their issue. I do sometimes have to move them so hey don't hurt themselves, but I don't place restrictions on how they are allowed to behave during a meltdown. Our almost four-yr-old doesn't have tantrums anymore, ds2 does rarely, and ds1 does about once or twice/month or less. I try very hard to head off a meltdown by talking to them when i see them boiling up. Non-violent-communication has been key to a near-eradication of meltdowns, I think. It's funny though, NVC was just natural with dc when they were freaking out or about to as infants, but with older children, it seems to take a conscientious effort (for me).

I should also mention that our dc are not mild or compliant in temperment. They are very intense, very strong-willed, spirited and different in personality from one another and dh and I. It's pretty amazing that we all live together, actually. What we all have in common seems to be an unrelenting intensity and drive in every way. We're exhausting, if I do say so myself!

Also, this is what it is like right now. I make no claims that how things are now will continue because our home is always in flux in some way or another and I might be posting about how to deal with my dc's tantrums six months from now. I don't know, but I'm open to being there and in the moment with them, so we'll figure it out somehow, together.

I hope that you can find peace in this with your family, sincerely. I know it can be stressful. It can also contain a seed of liberation if you want to and can find it.

ETA: I think imposed TO for any child is cruel actually. Ds1 sometimes takes his own without prompting; that's fine, his choice and a mature decision, I think. I take TO's too, but pushing away someone who's hurting at any age cannot possibly be the solution to their pain or restorative to the relationship. I just can't see it.

[bl987ue]

I don't think timeouts for tantrums are ever okay. Well, maybe for an adult I would make an exception. Tantrums are so normal for babies this age--welcome to toddlerhood! Babyproof, and then stand back, and divert, divert, divert. You sound like you are on the right track. The daycare provider, otoh....

[rikiamber]

no TO for ds just the older kids sorry i confused you on that

[swampangel]

That's good that they're not doing time-outs with him.

As everyone else said, this is perfectly normal and understandable. My 1yo has been doing this for a few months. And every time he does it, it makes complete sense. He wants something that isn't safe or he doesn't want to sit still for a diaper change...there's just too much to do.

I, like pp's said, try redirection and distraction. I know that a diaper change will be difficult so I always bring something new for him to look at (or throw off the table) and then I work as fast as I can to get him changed. I also do a lot of theatrics with him which make him laugh (funny faces, songs, peek-a-boo, etc.).

It's tiring and a lot of work, but this is life with a preverbal babe. Maybe if you change your expectations of him, it will help you to feel less frustrated by his protests.

[Yaliina]

My son does the same thing. He's 17 months now, but it started... I don't know when- a long time ago. I pretty much agree with everyone else who said that redirection is all you have at this point. I think that each child is different, and each child is looking to get something else out of their tantrums at different stages. My son was signing a lot by then (we do ASL), so I think that helped. He would scream & tell me "more", meaning he wanted that pen/book/fork/dogfood/whatever & give it back. But I do what someone else said- just act as if he's making an appropriate argument for what he wants & tell him he can't have it & why (briefly), as you redirect him to another toy. Some kids (& sometimes), I think, it's really best if you just ignore a tantrum because they're only looking to get a reaction out of you. If they won't have any of the loving you offer (I always try a hug or something), then tell him you're ready to be nice when he is & go on about your business. I usually find that this works really well. Of course, you may not be able to hear by the time he's done, but it'll wear off. Good luck!

[Neth Naneth]

Well my DS is the same age. I have found that changing the scenery is almost always a tantrum solver. At first if I just redirected him to something else, gave him one of his toys he would forget about why he was upset. Then if that doesn't work I just pick him up, tell him about why we need to do something else, and take him into another room, look at the window, look in a mirror or step out onto the balcony(we live in an apartment on the second floor) and I have found baby-proofing keeps a lot of tantrums from happening. Hope this helps.

[stanswife]

I haven't read the previous posts, so don't know if this has been mentioned.

My ds is 14 months old and has been doing the same thing for a while now. Key for *me* was realizing that he is now crying for different reasons as a toddler than he did as an infant, which means I have to respond differently. There is a switch that needed to be made in my thinking. Realizing this was normal behavior helped a ton; sort of let me off the hook. I, at first, felt like there was something I should have been doing, but there is just nothing to be done sometimes except love him and contain what I can while he recovers from his frustration. Of course, there are some things I can do (I'm still learning!), but not always.

Also, I'm getting better at anticipating what is going to be too much for him. He hates dipe changes, so he gets to play with...whatever. And always, always, replace what you need to take with something else. And make it sound ten times more interesting than the what you're taking. When nothing else works, I just talk to him. "I know you really want that, but it's not safe. Would you like to go into the kitchen with me? Would you like water?" Basically anything to get him moving to a different room or activity.

It's a big, fat learning process that gets easier.

[artgoddess]

Tantrums are usually a manifestation of not getting what they want and not knowing how to deal with it. Not a "learned" behavior. He didn't see a kid throw a fit and consciously think "oh I'll try that next time." He's 11 months old he's got considerable time before he can communicate his needs to you, and at this age his wants *are* his needs. Then after they learn to communicate well comes the cognitive ability it take to understand that "yes mama knows you want to climb on the table, but I am not going to let you do that."

It's normal and it's not anything that need to be disciplined.