ds excluding/being mean to little dd when friends visit

[siouxbee]

Hi --

I hope you can help, because I haven't been able to solve this one. My kids get along pretty well when it's just us at home. Do they bicker or shove sometimes? of course, but we're learning how not to do that and they don't do too much of it -- especially considering we homeschool and they're around each other almost 24/7.

But when my son has a playdate, he tends to turn on her and she ends up being his "victim", whether they chase her, hunt her, or just in general try to exclude her. And all she wants as the younger sibling is to be involved in whatever they do.

I try to keep her with me, telling them that I'll give them some time to play together but that later they need to include her in their schemes. But that doesn't seem to help, and the moment she's back on the scene, they're at it again. This happens both with friends who have siblings and those that don't, tho sometimes she and the other younger sibling end up as victims instead of just her.

I've already cut waaay back on playdates, we're at about one every two weeks if that, and I've talked to him about it at other times, and also tried when they're having a good time together to point that out and say how lovely for them that they have a friend for life in each other. On the other hand, I couldn't stand my brother until he left for college ;-)

Any thoughts?

Thanks for any help,
Siouxbee

[abac]

I'd suggest letting him play with his friends without his little sister. I was the younger sibling and always wanted to be included in everything that my big sister did with her friends. But sometimes she just wanted to play with them without a little sister running around.

Could you do something special with dd the first couple of times your ds has friends over to play with? Making him play with her and be nice is not working and could possibly breed resentment on both their parts. I undeerstand that she wants to play and be included, but you can't always get what you want, right?

[momma of monkeys]

Can you have a friend over for dd to play with?
I also agree w/ pp, do something special w/ dd when ds has friends over...get some super cool girly craft (painting flower pots & planting something in them? making hair doodads?) that is for momma & dd together...
My ds (7) does that to my dd (17mo) sometimes as well...fortunately for me she is pretty redirectable...good luck momma!

[Meg_s]

A lot of times my parents forced me to keep my little sister around when my friends were over and it was awful. She was such a pain in the butt and it was really unfair. We didn't have playdates, I lived in a safe small town and my little friends and I just came and went over to each other's houses as we pleased but as I was 2.5 years older than my sister I "babysat" her pretty much all of the time.. yeah we played together just fine a lot, but it was not nice when I sometimes wanted to get away from her and just be with a friend instead. I'm talking ages hm.. probably 5 or 6 up to age 10 or 11.

[LynnS6]

If you're homeschooling and they're always together, the boy deserves some time without his little sister! (And I say that having been a little sister!) Sometimes a child wants to be able to play without a sibling around.

I would not cut way back on playdates. I would assume that you are going to have to spend much of the playdate entertaining her so that she doesn't get in their way. Or invite a friend of hers over and make some very clear rules - like if the older kids want to play without the younger kids, they need to say so clearly and politely, and they need to find a place (like a playroom, part of the yard).

Kids deserve to have friendships that are separate from their siblings.

[addictedtocloth!]

that has to be frustrating to your younger dd...

Maybe find her a friend to play with that is around her age. Otherwise tell your son if it starts up again, he may not be able to play with his friends until he can learn how to treat his sister.

[siouxbee]

Thanks for all the replies. I do normally do stuff with her -- special stuff that we don't do all that often so that it's a treat. But after a while, she wants to go out and play with them. I think perhaps part of our problem is that our playdates are long -- like all afternoon instead of an hour or two. I have talked to both my son and his friends about expressing their wish to be alone nicely, but that doesn't seem to stick and they "forget" all the time. I'll keep at reinforcing the idea, and maybe shorten our playdates a bit, and maybe get her a pal if he's going to have one. The playdates he has with his friend who has a sister her age are always much more peaceful. I guess what bothers me most is that my sweet empathetic boy turns into mean Mr Destructo when he has friends over. He's like a different kid. At least I can alleviate her distress at when that's directed at her.

Thanks again,

Sioux

[TinkerBelle]

Originally Posted by abac

I'd suggest letting him play with his friends without his little sister. I was the younger sibling and always wanted to be included in everything that my big sister did with her friends. But sometimes she just wanted to play with them without a little sister running around.

Could you do something special with dd the first couple of times your ds has friends over to play with? Making him play with her and be nice is not working and could possibly breed resentment on both their parts. I undeerstand that she wants to play and be included, but you can't always get what you want, right?

Yeah, ALL of that.

[Liz]

Originally Posted by siouxbee

I guess what bothers me most is that my sweet empathetic boy turns into mean Mr Destructo when he has friends over. He's like a different kid. At least I can alleviate her distress at when that's directed at her.

I have seen this, as well. Some kids enjoy having a victim. They aren't picking on her because she's bothering them, they're doing it because they can and they enjoy it. I've been that little sister and i've seen my niece do it to her little sister. My brother was usually the bystander and his friends picked on me. My niece is the oldest in the gang of cousins and gets all the others to gang up on her sister who is not the youngest. It happens with small groups of kids that aren't even related. It's all about pecking order, it's very common and doesn't mean your kid's going to grow up to be nasty. I would read Siblings without Rivalry. I read it a long time ago so I can't remember what was said but I'm sure this issue was covered.

[CarrieMF]

I have talked to both my son and his friends about expressing their wish to be alone nicely, but that doesn't seem to stick and they "forget" all the time.

Have you talked to your dd too? If this happens almost every time he has friends over they are probably tired of trying to reinforce to her that they don't want to play with her so it automatically comes across as rude. Cutting back on playdates is not going to help. How much socialization do they get with other kids besides these playdates?

[siouxbee]

They get lots of socialization -- we were out of the house 4 or so days a week, but found that we were all stressed and the house was a disaster, so we're down to 2 days out in classes or activities with other kids, and then a playdate every week or so, which doesn't include times we get together with my nieces who are 4 and 2. I'll have to check out siblings without rivalry -- I've heard of that before.

Thanks,
siouxbee