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My step sons hate me (Update in post #155) - Page 6

post #101 of 171
Quote:
Originally Posted by dawn1221 View Post

I know this will probably be unpopular but keep in mind his DD is 17 and he will only be "obligated" to pay his ex for the next year. After that it is all voluntary.
I have a little calendar that I am marking the days off of....:
post #102 of 171
Quote:
I know this will probably be unpopular but keep in mind his DD is 17 and he will only be "obligated" to pay his ex for the next year. After that it is all voluntary.
Hopefully after she turns 18 he won't be obligated to spend anymore time with her, because he has a new family now you know! Its not an obligation, that is his child! HIS CHILD! I cannot understand how supporting your own child is some sort of horrible obligation and everyone cannot wait until that child turns 18 and they can throw them into the world.
post #103 of 171
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by oddeebean View Post
Hopefully after she turns 18 he won't be obligated to spend anymore time with her, because he has a new family now you know! Its not an obligation, that is his child! HIS CHILD! I cannot understand how supporting your own child is some sort of horrible obligation and everyone cannot wait until that child turns 18 and they can throw them into the world.
Not what I meant but whatever.
post #104 of 171
Quote:
Originally Posted by L&IsMama View Post
I have a little calendar that I am marking the days off of....:
Ouch.
post #105 of 171
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by oddeebean View Post
Hopefully after she turns 18 he won't be obligated to spend anymore time with her, because he has a new family now you know! Its not an obligation, that is his child! HIS CHILD! I cannot understand how supporting your own child is some sort of horrible obligation and everyone cannot wait until that child turns 18 and they can throw them into the world.
OT alert


Question for you...

Is it fair that I have yet to see a report card from the kids but I write the check every month? That I should only hear about good or bad grades thru other sources and often WAY after the fact? Should I be obligated to pay for his sons private high school if the kids refuse to do homework? Instead their mother lets them play video games into the wee hours of the night. Therefore they are getting straight D's.

Is that fair?
post #106 of 171
Quote:
Is it fair that I have yet to see a report card from the kids but I write the check every month? That I should only hear about good or bad grades thru other sources and often WAY after the fact? Should I be obligated to pay for his sons private high school if the kids refuse to do homework? Instead their mother lets them play video games into the wee hours of the night. Therefore they are getting straight D's.
So the kids should be punished because the adults cannot have a respectful relationship? Your feelings about the kids have no bearing on their father providing for them.
post #107 of 171
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by oddeebean View Post
So the kids should be punished because the adults cannot have a respectful relationship? Your feelings about the kids have no bearing on their father providing for them.
Actually, in California we are not required to pay private school tuition in addition to CS. So we are already providing for them as far as the law is concerned.
post #108 of 171
Quote:
Originally Posted by dawn1221 View Post
OT alert


Question for you...

Is it fair that I have yet to see a report card from the kids but I write the check every month? That I should only hear about good or bad grades thru other sources and often WAY after the fact? Should I be obligated to pay for his sons private high school if the kids refuse to do homework? Instead their mother lets them play video games into the wee hours of the night. Therefore they are getting straight D's.

Is that fair?

Iwant to try and say this as gently as possible... YOU are not obligated to pay anything for them. Their father is. If he cannot do it, let him take the responsibility of his choices.
post #109 of 171
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by sunflowers View Post
Iwant to try and say this as gently as possible... YOU are not obligated to pay anything for them. Their father is. If he cannot do it, let him take the responsibility of his choices.
I know but...

We are all suppose to be a family. Not his kids=his responsibility. If the kids are suppose to be treated just like mine then why wouldn't it be my obligation? I am not cleaning up his mess. I am taking care of our family.

And the truth is I would never stand for the behavior these kids exhibit when it comes to school. I hold my children to a higher standard when it comes to school. I also believe they should be able to make choices. And if the choice my DD made was to neglect school, she would be in public school in a flash.

OTOH, they are REALLY great kids. They are respectful (as much as a teen can be but slightly more), caring individuals.

I just want more for them than their mother does. More than once she has said the younger one will end up in the military. I don't really have a thing against the military but she says it because she thinks it is all he is capable of. I know better. These kids deserve a fighting chance in the world and I am sorry if any disagree but college is the only way.

I am in the corporate world and I see how the lack of college effects you. I have not college degree but I was lucky someone gave me a chance anyway. I think I am the only one at my company without one. The first thing someone asks is "are you from ASU" or "UCLA"?
post #110 of 171
Quote:
And the truth is I would never stand for the behavior these kids exhibit when it comes to school. I hold my children to a higher standard when it comes to school.
This is going to come out sounding snarky, but I *honestly* don't mean it that way - just trust me when I tell you that it is easy to say that when your child isn't even two yet! And it is much easier saying it from the outside looking in - not when you're a single mom to teenagers who are changing into people you never expected them to be!

I think most of us can think of at least one "I would never" we said and then later on ended up with our foot in our mouths!
post #111 of 171
Quote:
Originally Posted by L&IsMama View Post
Originally Posted by L&IsMama
Personally, I knew my dh had CS when we married. I also never thought it would more than DOUBLE in amount. But I guess my kids don't matter, right? Their needs come second, cause his 17 yr old daughter was there 1st, right?
So what? The 17 year old daughter is going to grow out of child support very soon now, isn't she? Your daughter will have plenty of years of being the ONLY one who gets financial support.

You chose your life, don't complain now.

The OP's stepchildren did NOT have a choice in any of it.

And to the OP:

Is it possible that all of your DH's children are immuno-compromised, something they got from him and that is why they get sick so often?

I agree with everyone else here who thinks you were far too hard on the step-children. If they refuse to go to your house, I can only imagine how devastated they are. Poor kids!! :
post #112 of 171
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by mmace View Post
This is going to come out sounding snarky, but I *honestly* don't mean it that way - just trust me when I tell you that it is easy to say that when your child isn't even two yet! And it is much easier saying it from the outside looking in - not when you're a single mom to teenagers who are changing into people you never expected them to be!

I think most of us can think of at least one "I would never" we said and then later on ended up with our foot in our mouths!
Totally true and not snarky at all!

But I do hold education to a higher standard. That goes for all the kids. I think education is one of those things that you just can't bend on.
post #113 of 171
(((hugs to you))))
post #114 of 171
Could you all indulge me just a LITTLE bit, please?

I see what L&IsMama is saying & honestly think the replies she got are terrible.

QUESTION: (A genuine, sincere one...really...) Do you REALLY mean it when you say her kids come second? How do you justify that? That's cruel. Just cuz they were born after the step child? Do you think that child support should come first if the kids living with Dad go without? Should they miss out on things because the step child was here first? Really? I cannot grasp that. I know the "you knew it going in" thing will come up. But I don't think it matters. The truth & the reality of it is the kids ARE here now. And telling THEM "go without, you're second" is heartless and pretty lunical.

Can anyone clarify?

Thanks.
post #115 of 171
Quote:
Totally true and not snarky at all!

But I do hold education to a higher standard. That goes for all the kids. I think education is one of those things that you just can't bend on.
Glad you understood where I'm coming from...

As for education, I totally agree with you. BUT like the saying "you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink" - you can lead your child to textbooks, but you can't make her study! ;-) My daughter is 13 and in seventh grade. Trust me when I tell you she thinks she knows *everything*, and if she doesn't already know it, she knows she'll never need to know it anyway, so why bother learning it! Her grades have slipped since she went to middle school last year - nothing horrible, but the ocassional C ends up on her report card and she *knows* she can do better, and she *knows* I expect better. So we instituted a half hour study session every evening, even on those nights when she "has no homework". So she sits there, with a book open in front of her, turning pages...doesn't mean she's actually reading them though! Sigh....teenagers can be soooo much fun!

As for the report card - have you asked the school to print out a second copy and mail it to you? Our public school does that if they are asked to, and I would think that most schools would, considering how many kids are in just your situation.
post #116 of 171
Quote:
Originally Posted by rmzbm View Post
Could you all indulge me just a LITTLE bit, please?

I see what L&IsMama is saying & honestly think the replies she got are terrible.

QUESTION: (A genuine, sincere one...really...) Do you REALLY mean it when you say her kids come second? How do you justify that? That's cruel. Just cuz they were born after the step child? Do you think that child support should come first if the kids living with Dad go without? Should they miss out on things because the step child was here first? Really? I cannot grasp that. I know the "you knew it going in" thing will come up. But I don't think it matters. The truth & the reality of it is the kids ARE here now. And telling THEM "go without, you're second" is heartless and pretty lunical.

Can anyone clarify?

Thanks.
If there are a finite amount of resources, they have to be distributed somehow, don't they? If a parent (not speaking about anybody here, just generally) makes certain choices, sometimes their children have to pay for them. It's not fair to the kids at all. The choice is, do you be unfair to Kid A or to Kid B? I don't see why Kid B should get primacy over Kid A. The court has already said that Kid A has to be taken care of. Kids B, C, and D get what's left. That sucks for them, but that is the choice their parents made.
post #117 of 171
Quote:
Originally Posted by siennasmom View Post
If there are a finite amount of resources, they have to be distributed somehow, don't they? If a parent (not speaking about anybody here, just generally) makes certain choices, sometimes their children have to pay for them. It's not fair to the kids at all. The choice is, do you be unfair to Kid A or to Kid B? I don't see why Kid B should get primacy over Kid A. The court has already said that Kid A has to be taken care of. Kids B, C, and D get what's left. That sucks for them, but that is the choice their parents made.
So, because the court favors A the rest are screwed? I have never been so apalled in all my life.

:

So step child comes first? The rest live off her drivelings?

Sweet. :
post #118 of 171
Quote:
Originally Posted by siennasmom View Post
I don't see why Kid B should get primacy over Kid A. The court has already said that Kid A has to be taken care of. Kids B, C, and D get what's left. That sucks for them, but that is the choice their parents made.
And *I* don't see why "kid A" should get primacy over "kid B". : The court does not dictate MY right to have children with my husband. Are you saying that MY kids should have just not been born, cause, after all, "kid A" was there 1st? If so, that's just WRONG. And cruel towards my children, and all the other "subsequent" children out there.
post #119 of 171
Quote:
Originally Posted by rmzbm View Post
So, because the court favors A the rest are screwed? I have never been so apalled in all my life.
No, because A's parents knew they would have to take care of A. If A's parents choose to have more children, they know in advance that they will have to support them with what's left after they've taken care of A. If there's not enough left over for B, C, and D, that is a choice the parents made and it is terrible for them. It's not their fault. It's not A's fault or the court's fault, either.
post #120 of 171
If anyone says, yes, the others shouldn't be here...can you hold my hair while I vomit? Can you imagine telling those kids that? That is absolutly heart wrenching. The step kid mean more, hu? Based on ORDER? Gag me.
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