My step sons hate me (Update in post #155) - Page 8

[rmzbm]

I think it's moot to continue saying dad shouldn't have had more, if they are already here - they're here...it's done. Now that ALL the kids ARE here they shouldn't BE PRIORITIZED! A is not more than the others. Period.

[L&IsMama]

Originally Posted by rmzbm

I think it's moot to continue saying dad shouldn't have had more, if they are already here - they're here...it's done. Now that ALL the kids ARE here they shouldn't BE PRIORITIZED! A is not more than the others. Period.

Exactly. Although that doesn't seem to be concievable to some people.

[dawn1221]

Originally Posted by L&IsMama

And *I* don't see why "kid A" should get primacy over "kid B". : The court does not dictate MY right to have children with my husband. Are you saying that MY kids should have just not been born, cause, after all, "kid A" was there 1st? If so, that's just WRONG. And cruel towards my children, and all the other "subsequent" children out there.

I do agree with your thought. All children should be provided for equally. Not onr more than the other.

I know this will be unpopular but I will sa it anyway...

Our situation the ex has a new DH and they make A LOT more money than we do. But in the ration of children to pay we are probably equals financially. She does not need the CS. But we give it because that is what you do, right?

Now if DH and I were to divorce, I am not a person who would seek CS. I feel like for me to take care of DD on my own is just fine. I know I can financially. And I wouldn't ask DH for a dime. But that is just me. Just me but I wouldn't have children that I knew I couldn't support on my own solely. I wouldn't depend on another person to make sure we had food on the table.

I guess a lot of that has to do with my situation with my parents. Dad never paid much CS and my mom did fine without it. For me and DD, I wouldn't have it any other way.

Disclaimer...

This does not mean I look down on the moms here who need CS, I don't, It is just the choice I made for myself before I had a baby.

[siennasmom]

Originally Posted by L&IsMama

And, why is it acceptable for child A's mother, the ex, to have more kids should she remarry or whatever, and no one bats an eye or calls her irresponsible? No one tells her her subsequent children should go without. But God forbid dad moves on in a new relationship and has another child.....

If she has more children than she can afford to support, I would call her irresponsible.

[mmace]

Now if DH and I were to divorce, I am not a person who would seek CS. I feel like for me to take care of DD on my own is just fine. I know I can financially. And I wouldn't ask DH for a dime. But that is just me. Just me but I wouldn't have children that I knew I couldn't support on my own solely. I wouldn't depend on another person to make sure we had food on the table.

I guess a lot of that has to do with my situation with my parents. Dad never paid much CS and my mom did fine without it. For me and DD, I wouldn't have it any other way.

Disclaimer...

This does not mean I look down on the moms here who need CS, I don't, It is just the choice I made for myself before I had a baby.

Dawn, can I ask how old you are? Just wondering, because I'm *guessing* that you were a woman who finished college, had a good career, and then settled down....

In my case I quit college to get married and have kids. I was sure he was the one and we would be together forever. We stood before God and our families and pledged "til death do us part". I gladly quit school to work so he could finish school on a full baseball scholarship. He had already been drafted to play for the Brewers once, and they still wanted him, so we were sure that him finishing one more year of college would set us up to be ready for great things. I worked full-time and we had our first baby, and we counted the days until the next draft. Then he ruined his shoulder and that all went down the drain. But it was okay, because we had each other, had our daughter, moved on to other plans, and we were going to be together "til death do us part". Had another baby a few years later, he moved up in his career, we decided that I should stay at home full-time (I'd been working part-time), we bought a new house. Still happily living our lives "til death do us part". Got pregnant a few years later and things went down hill. He stopped coming home at night. Found out later that he had been cheating since before I got pregnant with number three. So much for "til death do us part".

I'm just trying to say that a lot of us single moms sacrificed a lot of things. I was halfway through college headed towards my accounting degree. If I had gone on to get my CPA like I'd planned I wouldn't need that child support. But we made decisions *together* that put me into the position that I do need it. I don't regret those decisions - they put me on the path to the wonderful kids I have now - but just because he later made the decision to leave doesn't mean that he shouldn't have any responsibility anymore.

I admire the fact that you can make it on your own someday if you have to. But the point is that you *shouldn't* have to. You and your husband made the decision to have your daughter together (at least I'm guessing you did! ;-) ) and you both have a responsibility to support her, no matter what happens in your relationship.

[TinkerBelle]

Originally Posted by siennasmom

If she has more children than she can afford to support, I would call her irresponsible.

I agree. I mean, should the children of the first marriage suffer because daddy remarried and made more children than he can afford and the new wife wants to be a SAHM? That doesn't seem quite fair.

I don't think ANY children should suffer. But people really need to think before getting into new relationships and having another family. Women who decide to marry men with children need to really think before they do it. There might not be enough to go around, because someone's pay only goes so far. She might have to give up being a SAHM. Just like a lot of the single mothers do.

My mother could have done without the CS for my brother. But why should she have done without it? Just because Dad remarried and decided to support his new wife's 5 children, and decided his first children were no longer important.

I will say I feel sorry for all parties involved in these situations.

[dawn1221]

MMace wrote:
Dawn, can I ask how old you are? Just wondering, because I'm *guessing* that you were a woman who finished college, had a good career, and then settled down....

Originally Posted by dawn1221

I am in the corporate world and I see how the lack of college effects you. I have not received a college degree but I was lucky someone gave me a chance anyway. I think I am the only one at my company without one. The first thing someone asks is "are you from ASU" or "UCLA"?

I wrote the above on page six. I am 29 years old and had my DD at 27. Not that it matters much but yes DD was VERY planned. I suffer from infertility and had to spend our entire life savings on IVF in order to have her.

[mmace]

I wrote the above on page six. I am 29 years old and had my DD at 27. Not that it matters much but yes DD was VERY planned. I suffer from infertility and had to spend our entire life savings on IVF in order to have her.

Yep! I read that and forgot...Thanks!

[mmace]

And I didn't ask to put either way down - having a baby young or having a career first - just wanted to point out how different the paths to a family can be, and how it can truly affect your *need* for child support.

Again - best wishes to you - I truly hope you can get things settled back in so that you can have a good relationship with your stepsons.

[dawn1221]

Originally Posted by mmace

And I didn't ask to put either way down - having a baby young or having a career first - just wanted to point out how different the paths to a family can be, and how it can truly affect your *need* for child support.

Again - best wishes to you - I truly hope you can get things settled back in so that you can have a good relationship with your stepsons.

I truly didn't take offense. I just ran short of time when I responded and couldn't edit before submitting. Thanks for you well wishes. I hope I have a better update soon.

[boobybunny]

Originally Posted by rmzbm

Law aside, that's revolting. The subsequent children deserve NO LESS.

They also deserve no more.... in our case, our NCP went and ADOPTED his new wife's FOUR children in order to get out of paying as much child support as he was.

[Oriole]

Sorry, can't relate...
I can't imagine telling my DSD she can't come over because she is not feeling well. If you had two kids of your own, would you send one out of the house whenever s/he got sick? I hope not. Same logic should apply, imho.

As far as CS goes here - it has nothing to do with it. We are paying quite an amount ourselves, and I would feel like something is seriously wrong to keep DSD out of the house because "I pay money and have a say". My "say" should never be "my own kid is sick - you are germy, we can't have you this weekend". kwim?

Mind you, I think you have a say in what's going on. And I do believe you feel hurt by how they react to you. I just think you are overpowered by feeling protective of your child, and not thinking of the boys as your kids, while being "stepkids", should still mean they belong in your family as if they are your own.

[<~*MamaRose*~>]

Wow their father needs to step in STAT and smooth things over with his children at all cost because they ARE old enough to decide they do not want to visit and frankly if I was their mom I would respect their decision to not visit as their hurt feeling are VALID! What a shame this will be for the 3 kids if this situation prevents them from knowing each other nevermind the damage it will do to dads relationship with his older kids.

OK maybe I'm just missing something here but ummmm why should a noncustodial parent not have to contribute an EQUAL amount each month that the custodial parent does in order to provide for *their* children! YES!!! ex's are responsible for paying a certain amount to ensure that their children have a decent roof over their heads, food on the table...and yes he/ she should also be responsible for 1/2 the daycare fees (if there are) and extra curricular activities the kids may get involved in on top of the basic costs of living, oh and I didn't even touch medical and dental because he/ she would have been doing that had they stayed together. Do people honestly believe that the standard guidelines for cs REALLY cover the actual reality of costs involved in raising kids. Honestly I can't even begin to imagine how someone believes that.

Oh and as for the comments about cs stopping at a certain age that's right every noncustodial parent should stop paying once they are are 18 because college isn't expensive or anything...everything stops becuase a child had their 18 b-day...that attidute is revolting! Thank goodness my agreement with my ex covers my children while they are living with me until they are ALL done college or reach 21!

[Getz]

I can only comment on the orignial issue...

I can remember how it feels to have your step-mom not want you around. I know your reasons weren't spiteful ones, but these boys don't understand that. In a perfect world your DH and ex would have rearranged weekends for when they are feeling better. I would think they would want to stay in their primary residence when they aren't feeling well.

Personally, I would call and apologize to them. Explain to them why you did what you did. Don't have DH relay the message because they won't believe it is from you. They may not respond pleasantly, but you need to be the adult in the situation.

I rarely talk to my dad anymore because of the animosity (sp) I felt from my step mom. Don't let that happen to your DH and his sons. You may not love them like they are your own (and that is ok) but he loves them as much as he loves your daughter. They may been older kids but they are still kids and everything you do will affect them for the rest of their lives. They don't deserve to feel unwanted and they feel that way now.

[dawn1221]

Update

So this probably isn't the update some were looking for but we had a small amount of progress this weekend.

DD and I went to a play date at a friends house about an hour away from home. We were gone all day saturday. DH decided to head over to the step kids house to visit them while we were gone. He told me he would talk to them next time they had a chance to be alone. While on the drive back, he told me of the visit. I asked him if he had spoken to the kids about the situation and he said no he didn't. I was really mad at him for not taking the opportunity to discuss it while he was visiting but he said he just wanted to spend some quality time with them instead of getting all heavy.

I understand he hasn't seen them in a while, and I am happy they had some quality time together, but I don't think we should just go about our business like nothing is wrong. DH does not seem to want to confront the issue so we can just move past it already. I told him if he refuses to have a conversation with them I was happy to. I can tell he really does not want me to talk to them about it.

I just don't think we should let things stay the way they are now. The longer we leave it the more damage is done. I don't see why DH does not agree with me. God I just want to get thru this and move on. They are old enough that they will be less likely to forgive and forget the more time that passes.

[RiverSky]

I grew up with an "evil stepfather" and well, uh....I really think you should let your DH make the decisions on this one.

Seriously, since you didn't think through what it would be like to marry your DH before you went and had a child with him, you really shouldn't penalize his children for it.

I totally agree with your DH on this one. I'm glad he had a wonderful stress-free visit with his children. That is, IMO, the first step to healing. I'm assuming that this is what you actually want.

[dawn1221]

Originally Posted by RiverSky

I grew up with an "evil stepfather" and well, uh....I really think you should let your DH make the decisions on this one.

Seriously, since you didn't think through what it would be like to marry your DH before you went and had a child with him, you really shouldn't penalize his children for it.

I totally agree with your DH on this one. I'm glad he had a wonderful stress-free visit with his children. That is, IMO, the first step to healing. I'm assuming that this is what you actually want.

Care to explain a couple of things?

When you say "evil stepfather", is that a reference to me or your own personal issue inserted here?

What makes you think I didn't "think through" marrying someone with children?

We were living together for 5 years before we were married and I am infertile. So those kids were the only children I was going to have from the get go. The fact that I got pregnant was a freaking miracle.

Did you read the whole thread?

[RiverSky]

Originally Posted by dawn1221

Did you read the whole thread?

Every word.

[free2be]

wow

well, this is quite eye opening. I'm a step mom and my DH has several kids from previous relationships. We were married for 4 years before we had our own. Anyway, when the baby was born, I was very protective about her. And I didn't want his kids over if they were sick...well actually most of the time if they were sick they just stayed home with mom so it kind of worked out for all parties.
Anyway, over the past year of her life, my DD has caught a few colds from her brothers and sisters. It is very frustrating because I am the one who has to stay up with my DD when she gets sick. I try to be cautious...stay away from the baby but they always seem to "forget" and we do lots of hands washing, and airborne.

Anyway, we are having another baby and this article was pretty eye-opening. I think I need to relax a little. After all it is just a cold and I wouldn't want to make the other kiddos feel like they were inferior and resent me or my DD and the new baby. In fact now that I think about it, my step daughter had strep throat and I was really adament about her not coming around, but she came around anyway with my DH promising that she wasn't contagious.

I think that it's easy as mothers to be very protective of our children. But I think we also need to remember to trust our DH sometimes because he is looking out for the best interest of all of his kids. It is hard though, I still struggle with it.

Just some thoughts...good luck.

[emma_goldman]

Kids get sick SO often in those first years. It probably has almost nothing to do with who has what that comes around them. They get sick. ALL the time. If it weren't one kind of sick, it'd be another.

Really.

And I was the mama-bear germ patroller extraordinaire when I had DS, but I've had to relax. And I've seen all of DS's friends be sick all the time, too. That's just how it goes.