My step sons hate me (Update in post #155) - Page 9

[dawn1221]

Originally Posted by emma_goldman

Kids get sick SO often in those first years. It probably has almost nothing to do with who has what that comes around them. They get sick. ALL the time. If it weren't one kind of sick, it'd be another.

Really.

And I was the mama-bear germ patroller extraordinaire when I had DS, but I've had to relax. And I've seen all of DS's friends be sick all the time, too. That's just how it goes.

I know and I agree that they get sick all the time.

In less than 12 months DD has been sick CONSTANTLY. And her white cell count is off per her PED. I just asked they not come while they were sick with mono. It was the last thing we needed to catch and it is really contagious. I wasn't trying to be an "evil step mom". I love those kids.

Yes they got their feelings hurt. And yes I was trying to protect my DD from another round of sickness. I never meant to make them feel unwelcome. I just didn't want DSS to come over while running a 103 fever. When he was that sick is when I asked DH to have them stay home rather than visit that weekend. I figured by the time our next visitation came up (two weeks later) he would be feeling better.

[offwing]

Well if everything is as you have said and the SSs are not self-centered monsters who don't care if they put their little half-sister at risk, then the only thing I can think of that has happened here is that there is a huge disconnect in what you asked and what they heard. Otherwise none of this makes sense.

The best way to get past a miscommunication is for everyone to talk about it and then apologize for the misunderstanding with plenty of loving assurances.

[dawn1221]

Originally Posted by offwing

Well if everything is as you have said and the SSs are not self-centered monsters who don't care if they put their little half-sister at risk, then the only thing I can think of that has happened here is that there is a huge disconnect in what you asked and what they heard. Otherwise none of this makes sense.

The best way to get past a miscommunication is for everyone to talk about it and then apologize for the misunderstanding with plenty of loving assurances.

I never called them monsters. I know they wouldn't want anything bad to happen to their little sister. I think part of the problem is that from the original post to now there has been a sort of picking one issue and stuffing it in my face. That issue is "I am a horrible step mom for asking the kids not to come over when they were sick".

It would be impossible to list everything that happened in our entire relationship on this thread. Good or bad. But somehow, most people who have responded only picked up on the negative aspect and didn't even consider there was any good in our relationship. The fact is, aside from this issue, we are a loving caring family. ALL OF US.

Maybe one or two people picked up on the original intent behind my actions. And that intent was to protect my little baby who has been so sick.

[dawn1221]

Originally Posted by offwing

The best way to get past a miscommunication is for everyone to talk about it and then apologize for the misunderstanding with plenty of loving assurances.

Also, this is what I want to do. I want to discuss the issue with the kids so we can work it out. DH is stalling the conversation (that was what I was trying to convey in the update). He does not want to deal with it at all. But I am pushing him because it is so important to get it out and over with so we can all move on. My goal is to get the kids back in the house for visits. DH misses them, DD misses them, and I miss them.

[offwing]

So what would happen if DH called up and just casually asks when he should pick them up? I guess I'm not clear, are they flat out saying, "No we won't come over because we hate Dawn." or is everyone just kind of dancing around and not being direct?

DH might be right on this. If it was girls, I would say you were better off pushing for a big pow-wow where it all got hashed out. But a lot of teen boys would rather chew glass than have a big family discussion!

[dawn1221]

Originally Posted by offwing

So what would happen if DH called up and just casually asks when he should pick them up? I guess I'm not clear, are they flat out saying, "No we won't come over because we hate Dawn." or is everyone just kind of dancing around and not being direct?

DH might be right on this. If it was girls, I would say you were better off pushing for a big pow-wow where it all got hashed out. But a lot of teen boys would rather chew glass than have a big family discussion!

They just stopped coming over. Period. No discussion at all. In fact, I could be totally off on why they don't want to come over in the first place but I HIGHLY doubt it.

And you are probably right about DH/the kids not wanting to have a discussion.

I agree he should just call and say "hey I am coming to pick you up". But not in a way that they feel forced to come over either.

[offwing]

Originally Posted by dawn1221

In fact, I could be totally off on why they don't want to come over in the first place but I HIGHLY doubt it.

Ahhhh ... well you actually could be really wrong here. If you haven't parented teens yet you probably aren't familiar with the 180 degree instant attitude changes that can occur! One minute everything is fine and dandy, the next minute life is an unbearable tragedy that cannot be borne!

I'm sorry I didn't ask that right off the bat, because really, you could be reading this all wrong and the reason they don't want to come over is because they have hit the "can't be bothered with the family" stage.

[izandleo]

As a step child, I can tell you that my teenage years (sadly, perhaps) were mostly occupied by concerns about how popular I was, which boy liked me, where my next sleep over or sneak out was, when the next mall or movie trip was and the like. And as far as I could see, everyone in my age group was the same regardless of family situation. I have no teens yet, for a while, but I was a teen of stepparents and I know it was hard for us all...the teenage years are no picnic for any parent, period. Stick it out, love them, let them know, and don't be offended by their "I don't care" attitudes, if that is the stage they are in...I think we all went through it at some point and it is completely natural. Good luck! And you may get through it better without a talk. Boys can be funny. Maybe bring it up lightly and if they don't take the bait, leave it be. They don't like to talk like us ladies do!

[katydid317]

Originally Posted by siennasmom

No, because A's parents knew they would have to take care of A. If A's parents choose to have more children, they know in advance that they will have to support them with what's left after they've taken care of A. If there's not enough left over for B, C, and D, that is a choice the parents made and it is terrible for them. It's not their fault. It's not A's fault or the court's fault, either.

In our house it is kid "A" who is getting screwed. DP remarried when "A" was5, had 2 more kids, is now going through the divorce process, and there is a set table amount for the income to number of kids ratio. the fact that he has to provide for "A" doesn't factor in to the table amount. and he doesn't get child support for "A" to balance it out.

it doesn't mean any kid matters more or less than the others, it is just that the court doesn't look at the whole picture.

[katydid317]

Originally Posted by izandleo

As a step child, I can tell you that my teenage years (sadly, perhaps) were mostly occupied by concerns about how popular I was, which boy liked me, where my next sleep over or sneak out was, when the next mall or movie trip was and the like. And as far as I could see, everyone in my age group was the same regardless of family situation. I have no teens yet, for a while, but I was a teen of stepparents and I know it was hard for us all...the teenage years are no picnic for any parent, period. Stick it out, love them, let them know, and don't be offended by their "I don't care" attitudes, if that is the stage they are in...I think we all went through it at some point and it is completely natural. Good luck! And you may get through it better without a talk. Boys can be funny. Maybe bring it up lightly and if they don't take the bait, leave it be. They don't like to talk like us ladies do!

As much as this is true, in that maybe teens don't want to go visit their parents so much because they are busy, there's a difference in being busy with school and social life and being hurt by their parents. I had a full wonderful teenagehood - where I stopped talking to my dad and was mad at him for 3 years. I might not have seen him that much as he lived in another city and my weekends were busy, if I hadn't felt so hurt by him, I would have still been talking to him and I would have appreciated his effort in the way of phone calls and the occaisional visit.

teens often do the "i don't care attitude" but they don't mean it. I bet those boys are busy and all, but I bet they feel slighted too. they at least need to know that their dad cares about them and that they are welcome any time they want to visit.

[mamawanabe]

I've read this entire thread. I do believe that you were wrong to decide that ths step kids couldn't come over, and even though your reasons for deciding this may have come from a good place (protection of dd), you were still wrong to do it.

I think you and/or your dh need to apologize (not discuss, not explain your reasons, apologize). Say you were wrong and apologize.

Everyone makes mistakes. The stepkids will forgive you and their dad, and your family will move past this.