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My step sons hate me (Update in post #155) - Page 3

post #41 of 171
Quote:
Afterall, I am their step mother and should expect DD to catch whatever they have. It their right to give her it and I should just sit back and let it happen over and over again.
Its the same thing as if they were to live in your house 24/7 365 days a year. You can't just kick them out when they get sick! Sorry Johhny, you have a cold, get out of the house until you're better! You wouldn't do that, so why is it okay to ban them from your home in this instance?
post #42 of 171
Quote:
Originally Posted by dawn1221 View Post
I am not a terrible step mom. Some of you may have had one but I am not them.

If the kids decide to never come back well I guess they have the right to do that.

In the mean time, I (and I say I because I am the one paying not DH) will just keep paying their $800 a month child support payments and make sure their private school tuition is up to date always, without ever expecting to see their faces let alone a report card.
Wow. Bitter much?
post #43 of 171
Quote:
Originally Posted by dawn1221 View Post
I am not a terrible step mom. Some of you may have had one but I am not them.

If the kids decide to never come back well I guess they have the right to do that.

In the mean time, I (and I say I because I am the one paying not DH) will just keep paying their $800 a month child support payments and make sure their private school tuition is up to date always, without ever expecting to see their faces let alone a report card.
Your financial obligation has absolutely nothing to do with the other issues. You will have to continue supporting them financially even if you choose to sabatoge their relationship with their father and you.

It is so incredibly obvious that you don't consider them your family and I am stunned that you just can't seem to see that.

My son started preschool and the kid who had been sick less than 5 times in his entire life started getting sick almost every week, and bringing it home to his baby sister who was a 4lb8oz preemie. It is just part of life. It sucks when your kids are sick...trust me, I know this and most moms of more than one are VERY familiar with the frustration. However, instead of alienating the sick kids, who are at their most vunerable both emotionally and phyically, you comfort them and take care of them and just be the grown up and deal with the fact that life isn't always the postcard version we all want.
post #44 of 171
Quote:
Originally Posted by dawn1221 View Post
Yes, the step kids hate me. It was totally wrong of me to have them stay away because they had mono.

Heck, it was freaking unreasonable for me to expect their mother would tell me they had scabies before she allowed them to come to the hospital to watch their sister being born. Afterall, I am their step mother and should expect DD to catch whatever they have. It their right to give her it and I should just sit back and let it happen over and over again.

I am a terrible step mother and should just step out of the picture now so DH can have a decent relationship with his kids.
No, it was unreasonable for thier biomom to NOT tell you they had scabies before they came to see their sibling being born, if she was in fact aware of that ahead of time. Had you known, you could have taken certain precautions- had them treated before going near the baby, or let them see her but not touch her, etc.

There should have been communication between the two households regarding treatment so it wouldn't have spread back and forth (Oh, you didn't treat their sheets? OK, we'll put the medicated cream on the boys as soon as they get here so they don't expose the rest of this household, and you should wash their sheets in hot water with bleach while they're here for the weekend.)

However, that was 18 months ago. It sounds like you haven't gotten over the anger yet.

If your DD has imune system issues, then all of you need to be more careful with hygiene around her. She loves her big brothers, so they need to learn to wash their hands and faces more often when she's around. DD needs to learn to wash her hands more often (or have her hands washed more often) when they're around.

Try asking on the Special Needs Parenting forum about how to protect a child with immune problems who has healthy, germy, older siblings. There IS a way to handle this that can keep her safe AND keep them from feeling left out or unloved.

It's gotta be hard having an "instant family" when all the new-mama "mama bear" instincts rush in. You're not a bad person and you're not a bad mother and you're not a bad stepmother. You just need a little help in learning how to balance everybody's needs. You've made some mistakes in the past- apologize and move on.
post #45 of 171
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post #46 of 171
I think everyone is missing the point.

Why for gosh sake are a bunch of little kids making the decision not to visit their father? Why do they have that kind of power and authority? Your DH should go over, pick them up saying "Of course you are coming, I'm your father." Period.

Unless the mom is refusing to let them go (which also is wrong) this is baloney. Your DH needs to step up and parent.

I also think the the "My step sons HATES me!!" is a bit much too. Your are the grown-up. Kids get snitty, especially when they might have another grown up egging them on. It's your job to just ignore it and go on being a grown up.
post #47 of 171
Quote:
Originally Posted by dawn1221 View Post
Yes, the step kids hate me. It was totally wrong of me to have them stay away because they had mono.

Heck, it was freaking unreasonable for me to expect their mother would tell me they had scabies before she allowed them to come to the hospital to watch their sister being born. Afterall, I am their step mother and should expect DD to catch whatever they have. It their right to give her it and I should just sit back and let it happen over and over again.

I am a terrible step mother and should just step out of the picture now so DH can have a decent relationship with his kids.
You post as if the step kids are deliberately and maliciously infecting your DD. They are not. As has already been posted, what would you do if you had another biological child who was sick? Send them to a foster home till they recovered?

Yes, children DO catch whatever their siblings have, it's very difficult to prevent it.
post #48 of 171
I'm getting the feeling the OP is content with the current situation of not having her step-sons around and is not in any hurry to change the status quo
post #49 of 171
I hope they realize it was her, and not their father keeping them away. I know from personal experience what it's like to think your dad doesn't want you around. :
post #50 of 171
I think the solution to the problem is to allow your stepsons in your home whenever they want to. In addition, you and dh need to have a discussion with his xw. You need to make it clear that she must tell you when the boys are sick, that way you can take precautions in your home. You can't forbid them from their father's house though. That is really awful.
post #51 of 171
I am also not a stepmom but I was a stepchild, so this opinion comes from that perspective. You and your DH should have come up with a rule about the kids coming over during the contagious period and your DH, their father should have told them. The stepmom should never, ever tell the stepchildren that they are not allowed to come over.

I agree with the part about mono. I got it as a teenager and was very, very, very sick for months. I missed 3 months of school. I would have quarantined my DD as well.

ETA: I changed my mind. DH would have sat down and discussed hygene issues with the kids and I would have given them hand sanitizer for their pockets. Your house is your stepkids house as well (they are not visitors) and they have as much a right to be there as your DD.
post #52 of 171
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post #53 of 171
I am shocked that you view your step sons in this manner. They are your dh's CHILDREN just as much as your dd is his child and his home is their home. You cannot force children out of their home and away from their father just because they are sick. For heaven's sake, children get sick and pass germs around to their siblings; it's part of being a member of a multi-child family. It seems as though you view these boys as members of your extended family rather than you immediate family. Of course you would expect aunts and cousins to stay away if they are ill but siblings? If ds had a baby sibling would I send him packing any time he had the opportunity to infect my little precious?

As others have said, I hope the boys realize these restrictions are coming from YOU and not their father because this situation is a real opportunity to make these children feel like they have been replaced by "daddy's new family."
post #54 of 171
You seem pretty angry about the fact that your dd is sick all the time. I understand that takes it's toll. Was she very sick with the mono? Usually mono is a very mild illness in young children, it's teens and adults that get slammed. Perhaps it's worth looking into why she's sick so much and trying to do something about that. If she's getting the stuff now, it's less that she'll get when she's starts school, right?
I think you're really angry with your husband's ex...it's not really fair to take it out on the kids, though. The scabies thing sounds awful. It sounds like your husband just wants you to handle it all and that's not fair. He should be the one communicating with his ex about the children, not you. My mother certainly never wanted to speak to my dad's wife! He seems to take a very passive role. I would suggest family counseling.
I think you need to make sure the kids know that you don't blame them for being sick and you husband needs to make sure they know that he wants to see them!
post #55 of 171
I want to add that my ds had mono and everything I read says that mono in infants and toddlers is so mild that it often goes unrecognized or presents as a regular cold/illness. It's a much more difficult illness for a teen or adult.

http://www.keepkidshealthy.com/welco...uide/mono.html
http://edcp.org/factsheets/mono.html
http://pediatrics.about.com/od/weekl...fants_mono.htm
post #56 of 171
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by ThreeBeans View Post
Just out of curiosity, did you REALLY think people were going to say, "Yup, great idea?"
Not exactly but Ruthla's post was kind of what I was thinking. Read on...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruthla View Post
No, it was unreasonable for thier biomom to NOT tell you they had scabies before they came to see their sibling being born, if she was in fact aware of that ahead of time. Had you known, you could have taken certain precautions- had them treated before going near the baby, or let them see her but not touch her, etc.

There should have been communication between the two households regarding treatment so it wouldn't have spread back and forth (Oh, you didn't treat their sheets? OK, we'll put the medicated cream on the boys as soon as they get here so they don't expose the rest of this household, and you should wash their sheets in hot water with bleach while they're here for the weekend.)

However, that was 18 months ago. It sounds like you haven't gotten over the anger yet.

If your DD has imune system issues, then all of you need to be more careful with hygiene around her. She loves her big brothers, so they need to learn to wash their hands and faces more often when she's around. DD needs to learn to wash her hands more often (or have her hands washed more often) when they're around.

Try asking on the Special Needs Parenting forum about how to protect a child with immune problems who has healthy, germy, older siblings. There IS a way to handle this that can keep her safe AND keep them from feeling left out or unloved.

It's gotta be hard having an "instant family" when all the new-mama "mama bear" instincts rush in. You're not a bad person and you're not a bad mother and you're not a bad stepmother. You just need a little help in learning how to balance everybody's needs. You've made some mistakes in the past- apologize and move on.
Thank you for posting this, Ruthla. It describes my situation perfectly. I will take to heart what you have suggested and stop crying about all the nasty responses I have received so far.
post #57 of 171
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by lalaland42 View Post
The stepmom should never, ever tell the stepchildren that they are not allowed to come over.
I didn't tell them they couldn't come over, he told their mother she should keep the kids home until they felt better.
post #58 of 171
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by JustJamie View Post
I hope they realize it was her, and not their father keeping them away. I know from personal experience what it's like to think your dad doesn't want you around. :
Guess what, he may not have initiated the situation but he did support it.
post #59 of 171
Ruthla is my favorite poster, such a gentle mama A kind word turneth away wrath, and all that.
post #60 of 171
Quote:
Originally Posted by dawn1221 View Post
Guess what, he may not have initiated the situation but he did support it.
Then I will second the recommendation for a counselor specializing in stepfamily relationships. Let the healing begin.
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