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My step sons hate me (Update in post #155) - Page 4

post #61 of 171
I don't think anyone has been nasty. People are honestly shocked, because, honestly, your attitude is shocking and upsetting. Do you not see how wrong your attitude is towards these poor children? I have yet to read ANYTHING that suggests any love or compassion towards them.
post #62 of 171
Having a stepfamily can be difficult. I agree with everyone who suggesting a conselor. That can help a lot, and ease a lot of the tension and stress!
post #63 of 171
Here's a question:

When the kids were sick and couldn't come to your house - did your husband reach out to them? Call them often to see how they were doing? Drop off some movies/magazines/books to keep them busy? Stop over with pizza to visit for an hour? Get in touch with their teachers and arrange to pick up their assignments?

Just because you were worried about having them around your daughter doesn't mean that your husband couldn't have visited them/showed he cared still...There is much more to being a Dad than scheduled visitation.
post #64 of 171
Quote:
Originally Posted by dawn1221 View Post
I didn't tell them they couldn't come over, he told their mother she should keep the kids home until they felt better.
Did he say, "can you keep the kids for the next week until they are feeling better" or "Dawn1221 thinks you should keep the kids for the next week until they are feeling better"? In your OP, you kept saying that you put your foot down about the kids coming over when they were sick. To me that reads like you made the decision and your DH went along with it to keep the peace.

I'll never forget the time my stepfather told me that I wasn't allowed to come over when the schedule said I was to be at my dad's. My mom just sat there and went along with it but my stepfather was the one doing the talking. In fact, they were mad because I rode over on my bike to their house because I forgot my homework. I never felt comfortable there again and stopped coming over soon after that. I really do understand that you don't want your DD to get sick but to a little kid, saying not to come over until you are well means that there are conditions on when you can come over. Since it is their house, they should feel like they are welcomed to come at any time.

Maybe it is time to start teaching your DD not to stick her hands in other people's mouth. 17 months is not too young to do that.
post #65 of 171
I feel as a step child who was in a very similar situation i need to give my opinon. My father remarried when i was 12 and had another child when I was 15 i got mono when i was 16. now my step mom who was an absolutly wonderful step mohter did not tell me I need to go stay at my mothers but had she it would have taken a very long time for me to get over how hurt i would have felt.
Being a stepparent IMO is one of the hardest roles in life. And everyone makes bad decisions. I'm sure you are doing your best in your situation but you need to treat your stepchildren the same as you would treat your own becasuse they will notice the diffrence.
post #66 of 171
Quote:
Originally Posted by dawn1221 View Post
Also, just to add more to this, whenever DD is sick I ALWAYS let their mother know. She has a 3 year old and I try to be as courteous as possible about not spreading illness to them. I just wish I was given the same courtesy. But unfortunately that is never the case.
So if your dd is sick, your sk's mother has the opportunity to keep her kids home? Sounds like they wouldn't have been over at all between November and March. I wonder how your husband would have felt about that.
post #67 of 171
I think people are just trying to get you to realize that your stepchildren are feeling like DH is now choosing his child with you, over them. Can you imagine what that feels like? Their mom and dad are no longer together, dad gets remarried, step-mom has a kid, and they now take a glaringly obvious back seat to the new kid. That's got to suck to think your dad feels that way.
post #68 of 171
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by mmace View Post
Here's a question:

When the kids were sick and couldn't come to your house - did your husband reach out to them? Call them often to see how they were doing? Drop off some movies/magazines/books to keep them busy? Stop over with pizza to visit for an hour? Get in touch with their teachers and arrange to pick up their assignments?

No he didn't see them until they felt better. He did call every day though. Then the three of them went to see a movie they had been dying to see together as a trio. DD and I stayed home only because I haven't had the courage to try taking her to a movie just yet.
I answered your questions in bold.
post #69 of 171
I'm jumping in late, but wanted to add... If you google "mono in babies and toddlers", you'll find that in very young children, mono is typically symptom-less or very mild. Nothing like it is in older children.
post #70 of 171
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mpenny1001 View Post
I think people are just trying to get you to realize that your stepchildren are feeling like DH is now choosing his child with you, over them. Can you imagine what that feels like? Their mom and dad are no longer together, dad gets remarried, step-mom has a kid, and they now take a glaringly obvious back seat to the new kid. That's got to suck to think your dad feels that way.
I guess because they are older (17 and 15 years old) we expect them to understand that a little baby requires more right now than they do. DH has talked to them about this. Just as a 17 month old is old enough to be taught not to stick her fingers in someone's mouth (and we are working on that), they are old enough to understand that a baby requires more time than a teenager does. They also are old enough to understand it won't be this way forever.

This is not the first time they have had a younger sibling. Their mother has a 4 year old and they took a backseat when she was born too.
post #71 of 171
Quote:
Originally Posted by offwing View Post
I think everyone is missing the point.

Why for gosh sake are a bunch of little kids making the decision not to visit their father? Why do they have that kind of power and authority? Your DH should go over, pick them up saying "Of course you are coming, I'm your father." Period.
Perhaps OT, but the above blanket statement is a little scary to me. And, yes, this does come from a place of bad childhood memories, so I'll add that as a caveat. My parents divorced when I was four. I was a total mama's girl until I was about 12. I did NOT like being away from my mother. It scared me and made me sad.

This was compounded by the fact that my father was very absent, lived in another city and saw and spoke with me rarely and then would expect that I would just go away for entire weekends with him. Should my mom have allowed my father to MAKE me go with him with no compromises? I don't think so.

Now to be back on topic, I realize these children are older, the situation is different, and they are "withholding" visits out of anger, not fear. But, these children didn't choose the situation they are in. They have every right to be angry if they want to be. (I'm not saying the situation warrants anger, but, if they feel it, that is their right). Instead of playing the parent card and telling them they HAVE to spend time with you, (because, really, that's gonna be a fun weekend for all, isn't it), I think some apologies and explanations and compromises are in order, not parental decrees or enforced visits. I realize that the OP did not actually suggest this, but I felt the need to respond to a previous post.

And, finally, a parent's financial support of their child should in no way EVER be tied to how often they visit you!
post #72 of 171
Quote:
Originally Posted by dawn1221 View Post
I guess because they are older (17 and 15 years old) we expect them to understand that a little baby requires more right now than they do. DH has talked to them about this. Just as a 17 month old is old enough to be taught not to stick her fingers in someone's mouth (and we are working on that), they are old enough to understand that a baby requires more time than a teenager does. They also are old enough to understand it won't be this way forever.

This is not the first time they have had a younger sibling. Their mother has a 4 year old and they took a backseat when she was born too.
A baby requires more time than a teenager does? I don't have any teens, but I was a stepchild teen with two half brothers, and trust me.....teens require just as much time if not more than a baby. They still wear their feelings close to the surface, and get seriously, seriously hurt when they perceive ANY kind of rejection from their parents. I uninvited my own father from my wedding when I was 23 when I discovered he hadn't spoken to his illegitimate son (my third half brother) in 4 years! I didn't speak to him for a few years after that. He was living his "perfect life" with my step mom and two half brothers, and it seemed to me that he had simply forgotten that Kyle and I existed.

Thank goodness I didn't have to put up with it from both sides. My mom never had any more children after I was born. Those kids need just as much understanding, respect, love, and TIME as your daughter does. AGE has nothing to do with it. Be careful, please....the repercussions will affect all of your lives for many, many years, and these wounds are difficult to heal.
post #73 of 171
Quote:
Originally Posted by dawn1221 View Post
I guess because they are older (17 and 15 years old) we expect them to understand that a little baby requires more right now than they do. DH has talked to them about this. Just as a 17 month old is old enough to be taught not to stick her fingers in someone's mouth (and we are working on that), they are old enough to understand that a baby requires more time than a teenager does. They also are old enough to understand it won't be this way forever.

This is not the first time they have had a younger sibling. Their mother has a 4 year old and they took a backseat when she was born too.
I'm realizing this is really pointless to even be saying, but i just can't help myself.
Yes babies need "more" but teenagers need alot. They aren't really capable of understanding, teenagers are very emotional. Like I said in an earlier post my step mom was wonderful. But as a teenager i got in to alot of trouble my parents pushed me aside because they thought i was old enough to know that my sister needed more then I did. But really i need them to be there for me more, I felt I was on my own. and teenagers aren't mature enough to be on their own. My brother who is a year older then me stopped talking to my father for a couple of years. Because he was NOT CAPABLE OF UNDERSTANDING.
post #74 of 171
*
post #75 of 171
Quote:
Originally Posted by dawn1221 View Post
I guess because they are older (17 and 15 years old) we expect them to understand that a little baby requires more right now than they do.

I understand what you are saying, I really do. But, I think their actions are showing you that even though you think they should require less of you than your toddler, they don't require less of you, and in fact, may require even more in terms of emotional support and reassurance that their place in your family is secure. We never outgrow those kinds of needs.
post #76 of 171
nm, not worth it
post #77 of 171
Quote:
Originally Posted by ThreeBeans View Post
By the way, helping your DH pay his child support just keeps him from being a dead-beat dad. It doesn't make you a stellar step-mom :
Wrong. I think that if she is paying the 800 a month, for whatever reason, she has a say.
post #78 of 171
Quote:
Originally Posted by L&IsMama View Post
these people.



"These people" are CHILDREN and should be treated with as much love, concern and compassion as their toddler.
post #79 of 171
Quote:
Originally Posted by L&IsMama View Post
Dawn's dd continually getting sick from these people.
These people?

post #80 of 171
I just can't help think that there has to be a way to keep the germies at bay without keeping the kiddies at bay. Is there no middleground. Have you asked them and/or their mom point blank if they're sick?

I dunno. It sounds like you're bewteen a rock and hard place and either way lost
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