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My step sons hate me (Update in post #155) - Page 5

post #81 of 171
Quote:
Originally Posted by dawn1221 View Post
I guess because they are older (17 and 15 years old) we expect them to understand that a little baby requires more right now than they do. DH has talked to them about this. Just as a 17 month old is old enough to be taught not to stick her fingers in someone's mouth (and we are working on that), they are old enough to understand that a baby requires more time than a teenager does. They also are old enough to understand it won't be this way forever.

This is not the first time they have had a younger sibling. Their mother has a 4 year old and they took a backseat when she was born too.
Never been a stepchild, huh? They may or may not "get it", but I don't think they care. They are kids, they need their dad, they should never have to take on a secondary role. Forever? They are kids, forever to them is 6 months and not a few years. By the time "forever" is gone, the oldest may very well be off at college being seen just a few times a year.

Babies and toddlers need more hand's on time, they take us up in different ways. Teens need clear emotional commitment. They need dad at events, on the phone and seeing them every week. If they aren't coming to him he needs to be going to them. You say he's seen them for a movie and a pizza. That has been two times since March. Not ok.

The kids don't need to be the mature ones and just understand your stressors. Dad needs to be the mature one and parent his kids. He needs to take his happy butt over to their house and visit, play video games, go on bike rides, take them to dinner and toss the ball around.

I understand your concern about your dd, fine find a new middleground. Dh should have been the one to explain the issue and then come up with a soultion with the kids. That they would have understood. He should have set a clear time line, so that the kids could have understood exactly what he meant by "for now." It is his job to help them to understand and not just throw out general statements.

It would have been easy to say: "Guys, we are having some health issues with dd. She has been sick so much and the more people she sees the more she gets sick. Her immune system is still growing and, right now, it is overwhelmed. She needs some time to get back her strength. So, I want to talk to you guys about how you think we can come up with a plan for me to still see you while she gets better."

Not too hard. That way the kids feel included in the issue with their sister and they don't feel dismissed from the family. They could have worked out a 3-6 week plan. They could have made a list of fun activities to do and set days for dh to visit to do the planned things. You could have made a great fun list of things no one has tried, or things that were extra fun. That way the kids get excited about the events, see that dad is doing everything he can for each member of the family and everyone stays involved. That would have made the part of the plan, not a apart from it.

It's not too late.
post #82 of 171
Quote:
Originally Posted by L&IsMama View Post
Wrong. I think that if she is paying the 800 a month, for whatever reason, she has a say.
No she doesn't. These are children, not stocks and she is not their parent. She married a man with children who is required to pay child support; she is not obligated to pay it, her husband is.

I think we're getting off topic. Anyone want to bump the child support thread : .
post #83 of 171
Quote:
Originally Posted by ThreeBeans View Post
I don't think anyone has been nasty. People are honestly shocked, because, honestly, your attitude is shocking and upsetting. Do you not see how wrong your attitude is towards these poor children? I have yet to read ANYTHING that suggests any love or compassion towards them.
You don't think it was nasty for someone to tell the OP that she should let her dd get sick from the step kids?
post #84 of 171
I think your DD is very lucky to have big brothers who love her.

This is NOT to the OP but just a general musing: I am always al little perplexed when people married someone they knew had kids and then complain about how hard it is to be a step-parent or how much money they spend in child support. Did they not see the difficulties coming? And anyway, however hard it is for the step-parent, it is many, many times harder for the kids.
post #85 of 171
Quote:
Originally Posted by L&IsMama View Post
You don't think it was nasty for someone to tell the OP that she should let her dd get sick from the step kids?
Do you have more than one child? If so, what do you do when one gets sick?
post #86 of 171
Quote:
Originally Posted by L&IsMama View Post
You don't think it was nasty for someone to tell the OP that she should let her dd get sick from the step kids?
Nope. Kids get other kids sick especially siblings. Part of life.
post #87 of 171
Quote:
You don't think it was nasty for someone to tell the OP that she should let her dd get sick from the step kids?
No! That is what kids do. They spread germs around. Her DD is not an only child living with her two parents. She has siblings who are going to bring germs into the house and that needs to be dealt with in a way that doesn't tell the stepkids they are no longer welcome. Extra hand washing, carrying purell around, something other than "You're not welcome in your own home" If the OP had other biological children in the home, they would get sick sometimes and its not appropriate to send that child away. Its no different for the stepkids. The OP is not creating her own seperate new family with a guy with no kids, she is creating a family with someone who has one already and these two families need to find a way to combine in a loving, respectful way.
post #88 of 171
Quote:
Originally Posted by siennasmom View Post
This is NOT to the OP but just a general musing: I am always al little perplexed when people married someone they knew had kids and then complain about how hard it is to be a step-parent or how much money they spend in child support. Did they not see the difficulties coming? And anyway, however hard it is for the step-parent, it is many, many times harder for the kids.
Personally, I knew my dh had CS when we married. I also never thought it would more than DOUBLE in amount. But I guess my kids don't matter, right? Their needs come second, cause his 17 yr old daughter was there 1st, right?
post #89 of 171
Quote:
Originally Posted by L&IsMama View Post
Personally, I knew my dh had CS when we married. I also never thought it would more than DOUBLE in amount. But I guess my kids don't matter, right? Their needs come second, cause his 17 yr old daughter was there 1st, right?
Well, actually, yes. He knew he had an obligation to support her before he had more kids.

I don't want to get into a flamewar but I am the child of a deadbeat dad who seemed to have plenty of money to take care of my stepmother's kids. That was a choice he made that affected me and my brother and sisters in a lot of negative ways, and it wasn't fair to us.
post #90 of 171
Quote:
I also never thought it would more than DOUBLE in amount. But I guess my kids don't matter, right? Their needs come second, cause his 17 yr old daughter was there 1st, right?
Why does paying automatically equal your kids coming in second? That is your husband's daughter, his first child, she is entitled to that money.
post #91 of 171
Quote:
Originally Posted by oddeebean View Post
Why does paying automatically equal your kids coming in second? That is your husband's daughter, his first child, she is entitled to that money.
It equals them coming in "second" financially quite often. So would you say that my 2 ds aren't entitled to his money as well? Maybe you think I should have not even gotten pregnant or had them? After all, she WAS there 1st, so my kids automatically come second in the courts, and quite a few people here, eyes.
post #92 of 171
Quote:
Originally Posted by L&IsMama View Post
Personally, I knew my dh had CS when we married. I also never thought it would more than DOUBLE in amount. But I guess my kids don't matter, right? Their needs come second, cause his 17 yr old daughter was there 1st, right?
Pretty much. You knew that when you married him, but still decided to have kids. Kids DO cost more as they get older, teenagers are expensive.
post #93 of 171
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by siennasmom View Post
Well, actually, yes. He knew he had an obligation to support her before he had more kids.

I don't want to get into a flamewar but I am the child of a deadbeat dad who seemed to have plenty of money to take care of my stepmother's kids. That was a choice he made that affected me and my brother and sisters in a lot of negative ways, and it wasn't fair to us.
I am sorry that was your experience. My mom and dad were separated when I was 10 and dad never paid CS. But we did spend time with him. That is worth more than money in my opinion.

The truth of the matter is, we aren't even court ordered to pay what we do. This agreement is between DH and the EX. We don't get to "claim" the children on our taxes, ever. And we go above and beyond by supporting the children's tuition in private school (actually, we split it with the ex).

The fact that the kids won't come for a visit makes me a little resentful of the situation. I think that is a human reaction.

After the mono thing and when I first found out the kids weren't coming over for their scheduled visit, I called the older one on his cell phone and left a message telling him I missed them and so did his sister. I also said if they changed their minds and wanted to come just for the day (the next day) we would be happy to pick them up. I never received a call back nor have I spoken to either since.
post #94 of 171
Quote:
Originally Posted by L&IsMama View Post
It equals them coming in "second" financially quite often. So would you say that my 2 ds aren't entitled to his money as well? Maybe you think I should have not even gotten pregnant or had them? After all, she WAS there 1st, so my kids automatically come second in the courts, and quite a few people here, eyes.
When did this thread become about you?
I'm not sure about other places but in TX CS is a % of income.


To the OP: I think it's great that you called. I am not surprised that you have not heard back it may take some healing time. I think it would be a good idea if your DH gave them a call. Lots of great movies coming out right now

It's not always easy but it is his job to keep reaching out.

Good luck
post #95 of 171
Quote:
Originally Posted by siennasmom View Post
Well, actually, yes. He knew he had an obligation to support her before he had more kids.

I don't want to get into a flamewar but I am the child of a deadbeat dad who seemed to have plenty of money to take care of my stepmother's kids. That was a choice he made that affected me and my brother and sisters in a lot of negative ways, and it wasn't fair to us.

I am with you on this one. Some ladies marry a man with kids, and get all pissy when the guy pays child support and they cannot be a SAHM. Well, sometimes we do not get to always do what we want. Don't marry a guy with kids, if you don't want to deal with an Ex, child support and all of the other things that come with it.

My dad remarried when I was 18, and basically had nothing to do with me or my siblings anymore. He ended up dying a lonely old man. He also fought our mother about child support (not on me, of course). He thought we should all just go away because he had a "new family" now.

DH's niece's father got remarried and SIL ended up having to have ExBil's check garnished because he didn't want to pay the C/S because he had a "new family to support". Um...you should consider things like that before you marry someone else and have children with them.
post #96 of 171
Originally Posted by L&IsMama
Personally, I knew my dh had CS when we married. I also never thought it would more than DOUBLE in amount. But I guess my kids don't matter, right? Their needs come second, cause his 17 yr old daughter was there 1st, right?

Quote:
Originally Posted by choli View Post
Pretty much. You knew that when you married him, but still decided to have kids. Kids DO cost more as they get older, teenagers are expensive.

Glad to see it's all about the children. The children who were there 1st. My kids don't matter, huh? According to you and the courts they don't. The "funny" thing, though, is if my dh and I divorced tomorrow, they would then suddenly matter in everyones eyes. : Then THEY would be a case number and a CS order, and possibly future step children, so then I guess they would deserve to be considered, huh?
post #97 of 171
Thread Starter 
You know, I think we have gotten a little off topic here about the CS. I know I brought it up but that really isn't what this thread was about. They kids have no idea what I (we) do to support them financially. It is not really about the money.

What it is about is the kids don't want to visit. They don't want to visit because of something I did that they were hurt by. I didn't do it to hurt them, I did it to protect my little one that I felt needed protecting.

Just so all of you know, I couldn't possibly write our entire story on this thread. So before you jump to conclusion like "she only cares about her real DD" or "it's only about CS" or "she does not have a clue what it is like for a step child" try and keep in mind you don't know the whole story. And my story is probably no where near what happened to you or someone you know.

The fact is that we have always had a good relationship. I mean heck I even let the kids witness the birth of their sister. And they are boys! Teenage boys! even their mom didn't do that.
post #98 of 171
Quote:
Originally Posted by dawn1221 View Post
What it is about is the kids don't want to visit. They don't want to visit because of something I did that they were hurt by. I didn't do it to hurt them, I did it to protect my little one that I felt needed protecting.
So call them, apologize, and then tell them you all miss them and want them to come over. Problem solved.
post #99 of 171
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by L&IsMama View Post
Originally Posted by L&IsMama
Personally, I knew my dh had CS when we married. I also never thought it would more than DOUBLE in amount. But I guess my kids don't matter, right? Their needs come second, cause his 17 yr old daughter was there 1st, right?




Glad to see it's all about the children. The children who were there 1st. My kids don't matter, huh? According to you and the courts they don't. The "funny" thing, though, is if my dh and I divorced tomorrow, they would then suddenly matter in everyones eyes. : Then THEY would be a case number and a CS order, and possibly future step children, so then I guess they would deserve to be considered, huh?
It sounds like my situation in a way. I am sorry you are having such a rough time. Try to take a breath.

I know this will probably be unpopular but keep in mind his DD is 17 and he will only be "obligated" to pay his ex for the next year. After that it is all voluntary.
post #100 of 171
Quote:
Originally Posted by dawn1221 View Post
You know, I think we have gotten a little off topic here about the CS. I know I brought it up but that really isn't what this thread was about. They kids have no idea what I (we) do to support them financially. It is not really about the money.
Sorry. It's just a very tender subject with me. I hope it all works out for your family. I also hope people stop making assumptions on your situation. I'm SO outta this thread now. Too emotionally charged for me
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