How to discourage whining?

[~Kristina~]

Oh I'm so very tired of my dd's (almost 4) whining. I don't know what else to do. I've tried talking to her about it and telling her that babies only whine, etc. We've tried sending her to her room and various other things. HELP please!

[Cujobunny]

my ds is only 2 but I tell him I can't understand what he's saying and can he please say it in a normal voice. Even if I do understand what he wants, I dont really respond until he asks or says it without whining. But I'll get right down on his level and listen.

[mavery]

:

It only half works with my ds, in that he will immediately stop whining, but it doesn't seem to prevent him from whining to begin with. I guess only time will do that....

[greeny]

I usually just say, "It's polite to ask in a nice voice," and my children usually repeat what they said with a "please" and a nicer tone.

Not always, though.

I also realize that *I* need to stop whining too. Sometimes when my dd whines at me, I say, "Please stop whining!" but in a whiny tone. That isn't helping at all! (I'm not insinuating that you're doing that, but it's something I've noticed about myself lately.)

[~Kristina~]

Yeah, we've tried those methods too.

[dubfam]

We just have DS repeat what he said in a non whiny voice. We will not respond to whining, other than to ask him if he can say it again without whining.
When that doesn't work, I will actually say a few words to him in a really whiny voice, and then I will say the same words in a nice voice. That way he can understand why the whining is so ANNOYING:

He hears how it sounds differently.

It took a while, but he is 4 and it works right away now. I have sensory issues and sounds can be a trigger for me. Whining can really irritate me quickly.

I also agree with PP's who say they realized that they whine a lot as well. I would find myself saying, in a really whiny voice, "Why are you Whining So Much?"...seriously this happened numerous times. I would just start cracking up laughing bc I realized I was expecting the 2 yo to do something I hadn't figured out!

Teaching him to "take the whine out of his voice" has taught me to finally stop whining. It only took me 26 years!

[limabean]

I just say, "Oh, I don't listen to whining -- let me know when you're ready to say it in a normal voice" and continue doing whatever I was doing. I like that response because it's simple and honest -- it's not true that I can't understand him, or that it hurts my ears, etc., but it is true that I'm not going to listen to/respond to a whining voice.

I don't really like the idea of telling them to "talk like a big boy" or that only babies whine -- it seems kind of shaming to me. Whining is extremely common among 2 to 4yos -- apparently it's not something that only babies do!

[JenniferH]

Originally Posted by limabean

I just say, "Oh, I don't listen to whining -- let me know when you're ready to say it in a normal voice" and continue doing whatever I was doing. I like that response because it's simple and honest -- it's not true that I can't understand him, or that it hurts my ears, etc., but it is true that I'm not going to listen to/respond to a whining voice.

That's always worked for me and seems to be the best way to handle it in my house.

[DevaMajka]

I cut whining down by saying:
(for example, if ds whines for juice)
"It sounds like you want juice. Is that true?" (wait for answer- this stops it in the moment) "It's hard for me to listen to a whiny voice. Can you think of another way to tell me what you want?"
Then suggest other ways- quiet voice, regular voice, loud voice, etc. Or even just showing me what he wants.

There's a good dialog in this thread that seems like it could be really helpful! http://www.mothering.com/discussions...hlight=whining

Here's what Becoming the Parent has to say about whining (I copied this from a post I made a while back):
They say that whining has a "hook" which makes it hard to "step outside our first reaction and see what our child is really telling us." So we need to "unhook" ourselves and help dc think about what they are really trying to express.
So, say 4yo ds wants to go to Benji's house. An unhooked response might be (from btp) "You really want to go to Benji's. I hear in your voice how strongly you feel about it. I'm sorry you can't go right now."
Another one- 3yo ds is whining for juice. The unhooked response from BTP is: "I hear you asking for your juice. When I hear you use that voice, it sounds like you're telling me it's hard to wait."

They also say that if whining bothers you a lot, it's important to tell your dc, empathize that you can see they are having strong feelings, and invite them to use another way to express to you what they are feeling.

[mezzaluna]

Originally Posted by limabean

I just say, "Oh, I don't listen to whining -- let me know when you're ready to say it in a normal voice" and continue doing whatever I was doing. I like that response because it's simple and honest -- it's not true that I can't understand him, or that it hurts my ears, etc., but it is true that I'm not going to listen to/respond to a whining voice.

I don't really like the idea of telling them to "talk like a big boy" or that only babies whine -- it seems kind of shaming to me. Whining is extremely common among 2 to 4yos -- apparently it's not something that only babies do!

: to all of it

we went through a round of whining with DS, who admittedly is much younger than yours - he's 2.5 and it took about a month before he stopped whining...(for now, i'm sure ) but we just kindly kept reminding him that we needed to hear things in a nice voice, and waited to act on his requests until he asked in a nice voice. we tried not to let him see if we were getting frustrated or upset because then it would only escalate and we would scare him.

a few times we could tell he was just too far gone with being tired or upset to be able to not whine... and then we just said that we'd rather hear a nice voice than whining, but we knew how hard it was not to whine sometimes, and we'd really try to reconnect with him then and help fix whatever was wrong that was making him uncontrollably whiny (usually tiredness).

also for us the whining was due to a couple very obvious factors - new baby in the house, and first 2 year molar breaking through at the same time.

[loraxc]

We're able to handle the "request" whining with "Can you say that again nicely?" etc. but I'm stumped about complaint whining:

"But I don't waaaaant to take a nap. I'm noooot tiiiired."

"But I don't liiiiiike this dinner."

:

Any ideas??

[Roar]

One thing we did that really helped was outside of the moment of whining have a time or two to practice role playing. You can really have fun with it and do very exaggerated voices. We had different voices - "whiny voice" and "strong voice" and practiced how they may be used in different situations. If you have puppets they can be involved too. After playing you can let the child know that from now on you'll be reminding them when you need to that you need to hear a "strong voice" (or a "polite voice" or whatever you are going to call it).

[The4OfUs]

Originally Posted by Roar

One thing we did that really helped was outside of the moment of whining have a time or two to practice role playing. You can really have fun with it and do very exaggerated voices. We had different voices - "whiny voice" and "strong voice" and practiced how they may be used in different situations. If you have puppets they can be involved too. After playing you can let the child know that from now on you'll be reminding them when you need to that you need to hear a "strong voice" (or a "polite voice" or whatever you are going to call it).

: I actually realized I've been asking my son to stop whining and use a regular voice for months now, but he didn't actually *realize* what a "whiny voice" was because I'd never explained it to him. I actually asked him, "Do you know what I mean when I say whiny voice?" and he said "No." . So the other day we played whiny voice, and then happy voice, sad voice, angry voice, normal voice. And it seems to be helping a lot just in the apst few days. I say to him, "That's a pretty whiny voice, please ask again with your normal voice" and now he understands, whereas before he was just kind of swinging in the dark.

We also do this with crying. We do silly cries, if he's feeling weepy over something and a little whiny/tantrum-y, I ask him to do a silly cry and we make a game of it. Sometimes now when he's starting to get sad over something [seemingly] insignificant, he'll ask me, "mommy, can you do a silly cry?" to initiate the game, I'm guessing to make himself feel better and get his emotions back in check. I think it's pretty cool.

[DevaMajka]

Originally Posted by The4OfUs

: I actually realized I've been asking my son to stop whining and use a regular voice for months now, but he didn't actually *realize* what a "whiny voice" was because I'd never explained it to him. I actually asked him, "Do you know what I mean when I say whiny voice?" and he said "No." . So the other day we played whiny voice, and then happy voice, sad voice, angry voice, normal voice.

Same here. Ds didn't know what whiny was. lol. We did the role playing thing, and he thought it was great fun! I'd do quiet voice, loud voice, whiny voice, mean voice, etc.
It took him a few times to even be able to do a whiny voice on command! He didn't even know what it sounded like! lol

[mistymama]

Whining is like nails on a chalkboard for me ... I can't stand it! I'm usually such a patient person, rarely does anything bother or rile me up .. but for some reason, whining really does it!!!

When my 4 year old whines I tell him I can't understand what he's saying. He'll usually test me by continuting to whine, and I'll do something silly ... like if he's whining for a glass of water, I'll pretend I thought he said he wanted a slice of bacon (or something silly and far from what he wanted). That usually gets us both laughing, and relieves the stress. Then he'll usually laugh (and quit whining!!) and tell me again what he really wanted.

I guess that's a bit of playful parenting, but it's also a tension breaker and sanity saving technique for me. Nothing gets to me like whining!!

[Aliviasmom]

Originally Posted by Cujobunny

my ds is only 2 but I tell him I can't understand what he's saying and can he please say it in a normal voice. Even if I do understand what he wants, I dont really respond until he asks or says it without whining. But I'll get right down on his level and listen.

Yup...that. I think you need to tell kids what you WANT them to do, and not always what you DON'T want them to do. "Stop whining" but what do they do instead?

[dillonandmarasmom]

Whining is the 4 year old's version of water torture for his/her parents...
It is hard. It is annoying. It pushes us to the brink.
What helps is to understand why he's doing it. Usually it is boredom. Typically he is trying to get our attention to spend time with him.
The only thing we have found that helps is to take a moment away from the whining, "I am going to use the bathroom. Be right back," and use that moment to remember the above, calm down, pull out our sense of humor and return to him. I usually will bust out some activity to start with him, then when he's into it, I get up.

The worst is in the car. Especially when he just doesn't respond to your suggestions..."Hey, lets look for blue cars..." etc. We make the car quiet (no music, talking, except for his whining...) and ask him questions. It's really the only that has worked. I know what you might think...we're rewarding his whining with attention. *But*, whining is a form of communication for him. So we try to communicate with him in a calm tome to change the whining. Usually stops and he starts playing one of the games we suggest...
Dunno, works for us.
That's a tough age .
hugs....

[monkey's mom]

I wonder if whining is the "next step up" in the the toddler coping skills chain, if you will. Like, they're past the baby stage of crying for needs, and can now articulate the needs with words, but the frustration of the crying is still there--so the words come out, but the frustration is still attached to them in the form of whining. ??

And like others said, most kids don't even know that they're doing it. Showing them the difference betw. the whining request and a regular voice was very helpful for us.

And then a combination of reminders to use a regular voice, and/or acknowledging the frustration or worry that it's not happening fast enough or that it might not happen or whatever.

[Tishie]

I found with my daughter that calling it whining was a problem in itself, as she felt judged by that word, which is understandable. So we started good-naturedly calling it the "other" voice, complete with finger quotes, which she thought was funny. I'd say, "Uh oh, it's the 'other' voice again!" and she'd say OOPS! and finish with the "regular" voice.

[The4OfUs]

Originally Posted by Tishie

I found with my daughter that calling it whining was a problem in itself, as she felt judged by that word, which is understandable. So we started good-naturedly calling it the "other" voice, complete with finger quotes, which she thought was funny. I'd say, "Uh oh, it's the 'other' voice again!" and she'd say OOPS! and finish with the "regular" voice.

Oooooh. I like this. I think I'll try it.