How can I get my partner involved?

[ninefirefly]

I was just wondering if there are any resources available for my partner since she is the non-birth mother. Since we haven't inseminated yet and we are just charting right now and I feel like there isn't much for her to do and I know that she wants to do more. Is there any boards out there or websites anyone can recommend? I want her to be more excited and involved in this whole process but I haven't been able to find any info or books or anything for her.

[Monkeygrrl]

can your partner start researching information?

tests done during pregnancy
birthing options
breastfeeding
vaccinations
circumcision

maybe she can compile the information, and share with you what she has discovered and what her thoughts are on it...these are things you will have to talk about anyway, might as well get started now...

peace...

[TryingMommas]

my partner was VERY involved in my charting because we did cervix observation. Not for everyone, but for us it was a wonderful way to gather important information and intimately connect us both to the process and was great preparation for the inseminations (we did at home w/o medical assistance).

[MujerMamaMismo]

Have you checked out Confessions of the Other Mother - ed. Aizley?

My DP and I both read it recently and found it to be a really honest and realistic launching point in the world of non-bio motherhood.

I thoroughly recommend it.

[megincl]

Well, I'm the non-bio mom, and here are a few things that have worked in our family.

1. I'm the "pregnancy manager." So, with charting, DW took her temp in the am and then just left out the thermometer so I'd get the temp and record it in FF. It helped her not have anything to worry about with charting and it kept me really in on the process. I also did all the associated readings about chart patterns, temp patterns, etc.

2. I did/do tons of reading on birth, parenting, etc to help us both become experts. Often I read something first and then recommend that DW reads it.

3. Post on MDC! It's a great way, even pre-brith or pre-conception to really feel a part of a parenting community.

4. Plan early on all the ways to take care of the pregnant partner during pregnancy. I loved doing this and look forward to doing it again. It's a great way to get excited about the whole process.

Good luck and welcome!
megin

[AliciaP8]

Well, my partner is a man but with donro insemination of any kind this seems to be really common. There's an online group called DI Dads that I've tried to get my husband to check in on but he's not interested.

For us, picking the donor together and then doing my charting together was about as far as he wanted to get involved. He's really waiting for the pregnancy/baby phase. I would like more involvement but I do acknowledge that it's not easy for him or me and we deal with that in different ways.

[ninefirefly]

I can totally understand how this is just not the same for her. I think that once I actually get pregnant it will be different. Once she has something solid to see and touch. Right now everything seems to be thoeretical. Thanks for all the suggestions!!!

[lexbeach]

My dw really wasn't that excited about it until I got pregnant. She's since told me that she really thought it was going to take a loooong time, and she didn't want to get all invested in anything happening right from the start. I got pregnant on the first try, and she was super excited from the day of the postive pregnancy test. Still, she had no interest in reading anything about babies/mothering, and still doesn't today. She's happy to default to my research. Sometimes I wish that she would obsess over parenting more like how I do (she would NEVER post on MDC), but mostly I am just so glad about what an amazing mama she is regardless. She prefers to live it, not to read about it or fantasize about it (whereas I LOVE to read and fantasize). She has developed a strong parenting philosophy, but for her it came from experiencing our [my?] parenting choices rather than learning about them in some other way (i.e. cosleeping, full term breastfeeding, no vax, cloth diapers, etc.). I love to hear her explain to someone else the benefits of sleeping with our kids, for instance, knowing that none of what she's saying has come from any books or statistics . . . it's just a pure, genuine love of sleeping with her boys.

With our second pregnancy, she was even less excited/involved (though this was not a reflection of her desire to have another baby at all) . . . I don't think she really got excited until we thought I was in labor!

If your partner WANTS to be more involved, then I think the above suggestions are excellent. And if she doesn't want to be more involved, don't worry about it at all. It doesn't mean that she won't be a super-involved mama once your bean starts growing and/or your baby arrives.

HTH!

Lex

[gamitzer]

I second all the things megincl said! I'm the non-bio mom, but I am way more into researching and planning that my wife is. When we go to doctor's appointments, my wife usually defers to me because I have the most accurate answers about symptoms, dates, etc.
It might help that my wife is a lot busier than I am, and travels for work. It gives me a lot more time to learn and plan, and hang out on MDC. I just give her summaries of things I've read or seen, and she seems to like that.
I also read the non-bio mom blogs here. Oh, and I knit tons of baby stuff for the growing bean.
Meredith

[mama2rey]

I'm the bio mom, and my partner ussually defers to me because I am the one doing the research etc..... I let her know what is going on, and I tell her about what I am reading etc.

She loves going to my prenatal appointments with me, and that is one way that she gets to be there.

[egarcia76]

Originally Posted by lexbeach

My dw really wasn't that excited about it until I got pregnant. She's since told me that she really thought it was going to take a loooong time, and she didn't want to get all invested in anything happening right from the start. I got pregnant on the first try, and she was super excited from the day of the postive pregnancy test. Still, she had no interest in reading anything about babies/mothering, and still doesn't today. She's happy to default to my research. Sometimes I wish that she would obsess over parenting more like how I do (she would NEVER post on MDC), but mostly I am just so glad about what an amazing mama she is regardless. She prefers to live it, not to read about it or fantasize about it (whereas I LOVE to read and fantasize). She has developed a strong parenting philosophy, but for her it came from experiencing our [my?] parenting choices rather than learning about them in some other way (i.e. cosleeping, full term breastfeeding, no vax, cloth diapers, etc.). I love to hear her explain to someone else the benefits of sleeping with our kids, for instance, knowing that none of what she's saying has come from any books or statistics . . . it's just a pure, genuine love of sleeping with her boys.

With our second pregnancy, she was even less excited/involved (though this was not a reflection of her desire to have another baby at all) . . . I don't think she really got excited until we thought I was in labor!

HTH!

Lex

Our dp's sound eerily similar!!!! With a son who was already 16 when we ttc, I expected dp to not be as excited about ttc, pg, birth, etc. She also told me she thought ttc would take longer & so was not very excited when I had the IUI. I did conceive on the first try, though, and she was there!

Otherwise, she leaves all the reading & research to me. She won't buy parenting books. Occassionally she'll read an article, but only if she stumbles across it. She won't even read the condensed articles I e-mail her! She is the greatest mom, though, to her now 19 yo & our 22 mo old.

I just had to LOL when reading your post!

[pdxmomazon]

I was also the information manager when we were trying for our first. I loved looking at her cervix! She isn't interested in the research aspect either, so I had a lot to do and was able to participate very fully in the experience. Also, I went to every prenatal appointment and made all the appointments/hospital arrangements etc (she doesn't like to talk on the phone). As the due date gets closer there are lots of things for the non-bio partner to take charge of like organizing the layette, arranging for food/care after the birth, pampering the preggy partner, and taking equally good care of herself!

[egg]

Lesbian Dad

I don't know if your partner is more of a computer type, but she might want to check out the website called Lesbian Dad. We met the woman who writes it, and she's very smart, insightful, etc. Thought your partner might enjoy it - if not, maybe you would....

[ninefirefly]

Thanks for the info!

Thanks everyone. I think that my DP just doesn't want to get her hopes up in case this takes a long time. When I get pregnant on the first try (fingers crossed!) I think she will get much more into it! If not she's in major trouble!!!