What to do with the class clown...

[Trac]

when he's your child? My 5 y.o. DS's behavior lately has been completely crazy. His teacher spoke to me last week about his behavior, which I guess has been quite disruptive...mostly trying to get the other kids to laugh. He is also being disrespectful towards the teachers...like when they remind him that he needs to pay attention he says "no." On one particularly bad day, she told him that she would have to call his mom, and he replied in a snarky voice that "you don't know my number." He's very active and all year has been having a hard time with all the "sitting" that is required, but up until now, just a little reminder would get him to settle. I'm sure that that part of things will improve as he matures (at least, I hope so), but I'm worried about the class clown thing (for lack of a better term). It has always sort of been there...he's very outgoing (which is great) and he likes attention, but it's not so cute anymore, it's just inappropriate. I notice it (and it seems to be escalating) whenever I take him in public. Today at the chiropractor, there was a roomful of people and he was completely out of hand. "Falling" off the table, making weird noises (loudly), and being generally uncooperative to any of the chiro's requests. I couldn't get out of there fast enough, I was so embarrassed. Talked about it with him and told him that it was really not appropriate to behave like that at the chiro's or anywhere for that matter. He said he was just trying to be funny. I said that nobody was laughing. Then we went to the grocery store. I know, I should have just gone home, but I really needed to go to the store! He started out ok, but by the time we were done, it wasn't going so well.

How do you deal with it? What will it take for him to realize that what he's doing is not funny, but (I hate to say this) idiotic? Will maturity help...can I hope that it will just get better as he gets older? Can you like attention, but not really know what to do with it? Is there something I'm not explaining right? Can you give me some words to use that make the point, but are respectful at the same time? I'm just at a loss...I son't know what to do or say. Help?

[Dragonfly]

Maturity will definitely help because, frankly, it sounds like he's being a normal, very active, very social 5-year-old boy. How much time do they spend sitting and are they able to do group work a lot? Is looking for another program where he's able to be physically and socially engaged the majority of the time an option?

It also sounds like he's a thespian in the making. Maybe he needs an outlet for the drama?

Other than that, as much as possible, I'd skip the errands with him in favor of getting him more activity and intense socialization. (And, believe me, I know that's a difficult one, being a single, working mom with a kid who can never get enough playing done.)

[Dragonfly]

Oh, and I wanted to say - you can use all of the generally respectful words in the book. But what you may actually be saying to him is "please stop being yourself" which isn't particularly respectful, no matter how you word it.

I don't mean to be a naysayer. It's just that 5-year-olds, and boys, especially, are usually extremely physical creatures. Throw in the healthy dose of clown that many of them have and you have something that's delightful, challenging, and a nightmare in most school settings. These are not qualities that you want to stomp out and schools should have picked up on this by now. Asking a 5-year-old to spend hours every day not being himself is unreasonable and unfair.

[4evermom]

At one point, I read ds a joke book and we started reciting the jokes to each other so he knew a few of them pretty well. Then when he started making faces at people and acting silly, I'd say "hey, why don't you tell them a joke." He did and got a much better reaction which helped reinforce more socially acceptable behavior. I can see that sort of thing helping in situations like the chiro office.

[ThreeBeans]

I really DON'T agree that this is a case of 'him just being himself'. Being deliberately hurtful and disrespectful to another person (his teacher), is never acceptable. And I don't think you should just wait for 'maturity'.

Because if this isn't addressed NOW, he's going to think it's ok to treat people like that, and it's going to get worse.

[gaialice]

Threebeans - I do not think Dragonfly was saying that the behaviour is acceptable. It is not, and that was explicitly said to the little boy. However, the question - which is legitimate - is why this little boy is behaving that way. And - as the mother of a 4.5 yo who has issues being in a pre-school setting - hours and hours of being in an environment that is geared towards qualities a child does not possess, and which is just not a good setting for him, does not bring out the best in a child. In some cases (I do not know the specifics for the OP so I do not want to judge what would be best in her situation) it may really be that the only way to stop an unaccetable behaviour is to change the surrounding environment. Dragonfly's suggestion of an alternative program - if it is a possible option for the OP - is well taken, IMO....

[ThreeBeans]

Oh, I agree. He's not a 'bad kid'. But I disagree that telling him that his behavior is unacceptable is not respectful of him.

[Trac]

Thanks for your replies. I'm just so torn about this because, yes, I do want him to be who he is, and not "squelch" his individuality and enthusiasm for life. I need to somehow find a way to teach him that while it's great for him to be the way he is, he doesn't need to go so over the top when he's around other people. And that's really where the problem lies. At home he is enthusiastic and energetic, but not at a manic pace. We have very intelligent conversations, he's helpful around the house, generally respectful (if he's not, it's usually because I haven't treated him respectfully)...the person that he genuinely is is so wonderful. But the rest of the world is not being allowed to see that. When we go visit family, he starts up and then you should see the looks both he & I get. Of course, my family is a whole other issue...they're pretty judgemental anyway. So it's not a general all-the-time behavior, it's situational.

Dragonfly, you've touched on some things that I have been thinking about. His school situation is not ideal. His teacher is not someone you would think likes children or teaching. Certainly not my idea of a K teacher! He goes to school mornings for 3 hours and they don't get a recess! Unbelievable. If I had known that when I enrolled him, I would have gone somewhere else. I only recently realized. The rest of the grades do get recess, but I guess because they figure K kids are frequently moving about the room, they don't need recess. However, there's a difference between being allowed to walk from center to center when told to do so, and being able to run as fast and as far as you can. Also, he does learn very quickly, and I'm wondering if he just gets tired of all the review. He'd be a prime candidate for home schooling and I'd be willing to try, at least for a couple of years, but DH thinks home-schooled kids are weird (his opinion, not mine). I'm working on him. Around here, public school is our only option for his age group, although there are a couple for us to choose from. I like your idea about finding an outlet for the drama...and I'll have a look and see what's out there.

4evermom, that's a good idea to learn some jokes, we'll give that a try. It might be helpful for getting us through some situations.

Threebeans, I don't think it's a matter of being "deliberately hurtful and disrespectful," and maybe I wasn't clear enough about that. The incidents that I described in my OP are the extent of it. He didn't poke her in the eye or tell her to f-off or anything. Perhaps by expecting him to sit quietly for extended periods is disrespectful of his needs. I've always tried to let him know that it's ok to express his opinion, he doesn't have to agree with an adult just because they are an adult and in a "power" position. However, he does need to learn to "temper" his opinions in some settings.

So, yes, we need to make some changes to his school situation. As for the other "in public" things..."intense socialization"...with other kids, with older, more mature kids, with adults? Or all of the above? Do I need to "instruct" on how to do it properly? I'm sort of socially stunted myself (or at least, I feel like I am )I think I should forgo anything that's not a "free" environment, but do I need to set guidelines...if you act like a fool, people will think you are one? I don't know.

Thanks again...most of you have been very helpful, and I'm hoping for more!