The most frequent adjective to describe my 7 yo dd is self-possessed.
We have had a mostly non-coercive relationship throughout her life (by mostly I mean I am not perfect). There has always been lots of empathy, lots of self-expression allowed, lots of talk about emotions and ways to handle them. I have never punished her, though I have got angry with her.
Sometimes she becomes violent. By violent I mean invading someone's space, putting her feet on someone (me, her dad or her sister), pushing with her feet, occasionally kicking, gritting her teeth, pushing with her head, pushing with her feet on the back seat of the car, tripping up her toddler sister, etc. When she becomes like this she also locks down emotionally: she won't talk, she won't budge, etc. (FTR we struggled with biting and then hitting from age 1-5)
Although I can't say it's always true, one of the triggers seems to be her conversations with me regarding something important.
This morning she and I started to discuss the problem of violence in her school. She wanted to change the subject and said, "Mama, sometimes I want to get hurt." (we've had this convo before) She is very, very curious about what it would be like to break a bone, go to the hospital, get a cast, have everyone write on it, etc. I allowed the change of subject, heard her out, made sure she didn't feel bad for being curious about this (she did), assured her it was perfectly normal to feel curious about it, and explained some of the misconceptions she had (like she wouldn't necessarily get to ride in an ambulance, that breaking bones really does hurt quite a bit, that casts itch after a couple days, etc.).
Then she started to talk about how much she wants to play soccer (yesterday it was judo). We talked a bit about her one try at soccer when she was 5 and how she didn't like it -- and quit -- because she wanted to play real games (not skill-building activities). I told her that her school would be forming a club next fall and that even if she doesn't attend school next year she will still be allowed to attend the clubs. I told her I know she wants to play now, but that there is no possibility. I asked her if she wanted to find a way to play this summer. That's when she first got irritated and started to press her foot into my leg, hard. I told her I understood that she means right this minute. She just kept repeating that she wants to play soccer. I told her we could find a solution. She got more violent with me, so I got up and left the room. She followed. At that point I started to tell her that I couldn't allow her to get so physical with me, that I understood her concerns, that I was trying to find a solution with her, but that she needed to keep her distance.
Dh wanted to take her out and she refused to budge. We were all in the living room and she was in our bedroom. She would come out, walk around, and do stuff like knock her sister's hat off her head, and then go back onto the bed. Finally, dh left without her and dd found something to occupy herself (making wine with grapes by stomping on them -- good idea!).
This is a fairly frequent scenario in our home. In fact, it happened in a different version just yesterday. I've always blamed it on a lack of physical activity (she needs a lot). But lately it's happening at 9 am (on weekends). I feel like I would need to get her out of the house and doing something already at 8 am. Unfortunately, we don't have a lot of options for activities here where we live.
Dh, however, pointed out that he thinks there's too much focus on emotions, too much talk, too much empathy. And now I'm noticing a bit of a pattern -- if not always, now and again.
Also, I tend to think there's a deeper issue behind this but I can't see it (and you won't either without more information, I know).
Personally, I'm at a loss about changing our interactions. I'm so entrenched in the empathy/non-violent communication stuff that when I try a different approach I go to the opposite and am overly strict and unfeeling (I feel).
I'm looking for some third-party insight (I will discuss this with a therapist next month, too). Can anyone see what might ease the tension?
We have had a mostly non-coercive relationship throughout her life (by mostly I mean I am not perfect). There has always been lots of empathy, lots of self-expression allowed, lots of talk about emotions and ways to handle them. I have never punished her, though I have got angry with her.
Sometimes she becomes violent. By violent I mean invading someone's space, putting her feet on someone (me, her dad or her sister), pushing with her feet, occasionally kicking, gritting her teeth, pushing with her head, pushing with her feet on the back seat of the car, tripping up her toddler sister, etc. When she becomes like this she also locks down emotionally: she won't talk, she won't budge, etc. (FTR we struggled with biting and then hitting from age 1-5)
Although I can't say it's always true, one of the triggers seems to be her conversations with me regarding something important.
This morning she and I started to discuss the problem of violence in her school. She wanted to change the subject and said, "Mama, sometimes I want to get hurt." (we've had this convo before) She is very, very curious about what it would be like to break a bone, go to the hospital, get a cast, have everyone write on it, etc. I allowed the change of subject, heard her out, made sure she didn't feel bad for being curious about this (she did), assured her it was perfectly normal to feel curious about it, and explained some of the misconceptions she had (like she wouldn't necessarily get to ride in an ambulance, that breaking bones really does hurt quite a bit, that casts itch after a couple days, etc.).
Then she started to talk about how much she wants to play soccer (yesterday it was judo). We talked a bit about her one try at soccer when she was 5 and how she didn't like it -- and quit -- because she wanted to play real games (not skill-building activities). I told her that her school would be forming a club next fall and that even if she doesn't attend school next year she will still be allowed to attend the clubs. I told her I know she wants to play now, but that there is no possibility. I asked her if she wanted to find a way to play this summer. That's when she first got irritated and started to press her foot into my leg, hard. I told her I understood that she means right this minute. She just kept repeating that she wants to play soccer. I told her we could find a solution. She got more violent with me, so I got up and left the room. She followed. At that point I started to tell her that I couldn't allow her to get so physical with me, that I understood her concerns, that I was trying to find a solution with her, but that she needed to keep her distance.
Dh wanted to take her out and she refused to budge. We were all in the living room and she was in our bedroom. She would come out, walk around, and do stuff like knock her sister's hat off her head, and then go back onto the bed. Finally, dh left without her and dd found something to occupy herself (making wine with grapes by stomping on them -- good idea!).
This is a fairly frequent scenario in our home. In fact, it happened in a different version just yesterday. I've always blamed it on a lack of physical activity (she needs a lot). But lately it's happening at 9 am (on weekends). I feel like I would need to get her out of the house and doing something already at 8 am. Unfortunately, we don't have a lot of options for activities here where we live.
Dh, however, pointed out that he thinks there's too much focus on emotions, too much talk, too much empathy. And now I'm noticing a bit of a pattern -- if not always, now and again.
Also, I tend to think there's a deeper issue behind this but I can't see it (and you won't either without more information, I know).
Personally, I'm at a loss about changing our interactions. I'm so entrenched in the empathy/non-violent communication stuff that when I try a different approach I go to the opposite and am overly strict and unfeeling (I feel).
I'm looking for some third-party insight (I will discuss this with a therapist next month, too). Can anyone see what might ease the tension?
- plus DH tends to go on and on and on saying the same thing over and over and it drives me a bit crazy.
