6½ year old lying....I need advice

[2swangirls]

Im bad in the discipline department and really need help!

BACK GROUND
The main thing I do is talk things out. Some thing will happen (like a baby gate left open, a chair left for the baby to climb on, the bathroom door open, unsafe stuff or small toys left out) (her being rude or sassy) and I will have her go to her room for a couple minutes, some times its 2 some times its 8 minutes. I never look at the clock. I take those couple minutes to calm my self and figure out what I want to say and talk to her about. I will ask her about what she was doing wrong, why she was doing it and how can we fix it. If she’s done something really bad I may take away her tv time or unplug ( no electronics) for a set amount of time. I’ve done it for various reasons at times. It’s been so long that I can’t remember the last time it happened or what it was for. More then any thing we talk stuff out and move on.

PROBLEM
our 6½ is lying about every thing and to day was a bad day with it. I’ve asked her why she lies and she says its because she doesn’t want to get into trouble. I can understand that. We have talked about it a lot and she no’s I’m going to be more upset and harder on her if she dose lie.
Yesterday she went over a friends house and was playing with her and her sisters. They got mad at one sister and decided to play in the house. In the bed room they decided to pull down their pants and rubbing there butts out side sister’s pillow. Some how the mom finds out and they all lie and say it didn’t happen. She says tell the truth and you wont get in trouble, They fess up. Koda (my dd) feels bad and want’s to come home. Mom calls me and tells me what happened and to watch out my door for koda. Her dad was out front with koda’s sister and they all decided to go around the block. Koda tells daddy she lied to Claudine (the mom) and she feels bad. She tells dad every thing but leaves out the part about pulling down her pants, that’s lie number 2. I ask her who’s idea the whole thing is and at first says it was one of the other girls. Later on she changed her story and said that the whole thing was her idea, that would be lie number 3. What she did was gross and bothersome but my bigger worry is her lying. I want her to be honest with me and the people in her life. I want her to be more truthful.
Talking it out about lying is not fixing the problem and I feel I need to do something.

What should I do?
What should her consequence for lying be?

[mavery]

In the examples that you gave, what's striking to me is that your dd did ultimately tell the truth, right? She's not lying for fun, nor is she persisting in denying things she has done that she wasn't supposed to. I can understand that it's frustrating, but it seems like she has internalized the right principles and this is probably a phase that will pass.

I think one of the main consequences of lying is the natural consequence that you do not get trusted. In your case, this might mean that you ask your dd several times about what happened in some particular instance or check with other people. This does not feel good, and becomes especially frustrating when you are telling the truth!

If your dd is generally honest in the end, then focusing your response to whatever she did (the cause of the lie) on making amends and avoiding the problem situation in future, rather than time-out or losing privileges, might encourage her to be up-front.

So for example, in this case, you could suggest she offer to wash the pillow-case and apologize to the sister, and suggest some way to deal with whatever problem led to the initial falling-out, or some other way that the girls could express their anger and annoyance instead of doing what they did.

[stik]

IMO, what you need is fewer opportunities for your dd to lie. It's hard to admit to a mistake, especially when you're six and the error in your thinking didn't occur to you until it was too late. If you know she did something, as in the situation at the friend's house, don't ask her if she did it, or expect her to report it. Let her know you know, and then move on to talking about how she can fix it.

[2swangirls]

Thank you for you response

Originally Posted by mavery

I can understand that it's frustrating, but it seems like she has internalized the right principles and this is probably a phase that will pass.

That’s what I thought and am hoping for. I think it’s all part of growing up and just wanted to see if you ladies though I was on the right path with her or if there is something different I should be doing with her.

Originally Posted by mavery

I think one of the main consequences of lying is the natural consequence that you do not get trusted.

That’s such a valid point I never thought of. As she grows she’s going to become more bothered by not being trusted and that alone is going to help it phase out.

Originally Posted by mavery

If your dd is generally honest in the end, then focusing your response to whatever she did (the cause of the lie) on making amends and avoiding the problem situation in future, rather than time-out or losing privileges, might encourage her to be up-front.
So for example, in this case, you could suggest she offer to wash the pillow-case and apologize to the sister, and suggest some way to deal with whatever problem led to the initial falling-out, or some other way that the girls could express their anger and annoyance instead of doing what they did.

I thought about having her write out an apology to the mother but never thought of having her wash the pillow case.

What she lies about is all small stuff that is easily fixable. Normally we talk it out and move on. My big worry was about the lying, that its going to go from small stuff to big stuff. But like you said it’s probably a phase she will grow out of.

[Roar]

Just in case you weren't already aware of it, lying is a VERY typical developmental phase for six and seven year olds. It is normal. That doesn't mean of course that you like it or that you want her to do it forever, but it does mean that you don't need to fear if you don't make a big deal out of it right now that she's going to be holding up banks when she's 16.

This is very short and I think it'll help: http://www.positivediscipline.com/articles/lying.html

Oh and LOL on the butts on the pillow. Yeah, it is obnoxious but we must admit on some tiny level a wee bit funny too.

[2swangirls]

Originally Posted by Roar

Just in case you weren't already aware of it, lying is a VERY typical developmental phase for six and seven year olds. It is normal.

I had a feeling but it’s good to hear it. I don’t know many people with kids koda’s age and she’s my oldest. Our family’s are also small. Koda is the 1st on dh side. One of my older sisters has 2 boys and neither of them live with her. Her 13 year old moved in with us in October and says he’s staying for good

Originally Posted by Roar

Oh and LOL on the butts on the pillow. Yeah, it is obnoxious but we must admit on some tiny level a wee bit funny too.

The mom is a friend of mine. She has 6 girls. Her oldest is 13 and her youngest is 4. Koda plays her her triplets who are also 6. At the time we had no idea who thought it up, The mom laughed as she was telling me and said “yea that’s creative” it was gross but so funny at the same time!

Thanks for your post, support, time and link Off to read!