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Originally Posted by vaughnmama  Thank you all so much for encouraging me and giving me a pat on the back. Truly, it means SO much to have others understand the emotions involved. I know I am doing the right thing by sharing my thoughts and stories and educating myself and others. However, it seems to be driving a wedge in my marriage. While my hubby has said he regrets the circumcisions, he never (or hardly ever) shows any emotion about the issue. He doesn't give me nearly the amount of encouragement or thoughtfulness that I want from him. I think the force of my conviction now is intimidating him and maybe he thinks I'm going to far. The other night when I was staying up late reading on the topic, he muttered, "this is crazy, this is nuts" which made me so angry. And tonight I was pressing him to tell me why he never talks to me, and he said, "I don't know...it feels like you are changing, and I'm not." (I can see that, I am becoming more assertive.) Circumcision/inactivism is not the only source of stress in our relationship, but I think its becoming a big one. (Oh, yeah, and I should mention our almost complete lack of sex life...we could probably link that to circ on a few levels too...like his insecurities & my resentment over him talking me into cutting our youngest.)
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I'm circumcised, so perhaps I can provide a little insight. Take this with a grain of salt, though, not as some sort of bible to your husbands psychology. Every guy is different. This is just me.
The other thing is, I'm still figuring
myself out, so all of this may be BS. It's just what I think is going on with myself so far.
I have difficulty opening up to people about my own circumcision as well. Even with people that I know will be supportive, it's difficult to open up. And I'm not entirely convinced that it's the stereotypical "guy" thing of just generally being unable to open up. Historically I've been very open with people about other painful things. Although I'm not 100% comfortable with crying around others, when it's someone I know well, and the issue is very emotional to me, I do let loose.
Part of it is that I don't feel comfortable yelling and screaming around people. If I really opened up, I might frighten the person I opened up to (although maybe not, but it still makes me uncomfortable).
The other part is that in opening up to someone else, I'm also opening up to
myself. Don't get me wrong: this isn't some denial thing. I have opened up to myself about this issue many times before, and I'm well aware of what's there. I just don't like feeling that way. That's it, really. To really open up to someone else about this is quite literally painful for me, because I have to experience those emotions again.
I can talk about my circumcision coldly (which I wonder if that isn't sort of scary in itself), but I don't really want to open up emotionally. I do think it kind of weirds people out, because they hear disturbing words, but they don't see anything in my eyes or hear anything in my voice. It's like stating the horrors of the world with all the emotion of an encyclopedia article. A
boring encyclopedia article.
If what you want is for your husband to come to you with his pain, teary eyed and sobbing, you shouldn't. At least not if he's in a position like me. Wanting that is like wanting more pain for him. Plus, you'd more likely get a lot of anger and yelling.
I have to open up to myself little by little, and deal with this small pieces at a time. It's too much for me to take on all at once.
Lastly, assuming he is dealing with nasty emotional issues about this like I am, he's going to need your support and understanding a lot more than you need his. I know that sounds presumptuous, because I know it's not easy for you to tackle circumcision in the world, but I'm pretty sure it's true. You can't ask a rape victim to go on a grand mission to stop other women from being raped
until they've had the time necessary to deal with their own rape, you know? It's too emotionally difficult. And there's no set time table for how long women need to get over being raped, either. Such a concept is nonsense.
The best advice I can give you is to leave him alone about this. It sounds weird, but that's probably the best way you can support him right now. Just let him be. Apparently he already realizes what was done to him, so there's really nothing more for you to do unless he comes to you. You can't force help on people, they have to want it.
If he comes to you for help and support, great. But otherwise please let him be.
Lastly, I want to re-emphasize that I don't know your husband, and this is just based on my own personal experience up to this point. So, again, take it with a grain of salt.
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