It's not her, it's ME...

[ragmama]

Okay, I admit it - I've struggled with gentle discipline from the start. It's always been what I've wanted for our family, it's always been my goal, I even managed to turn around my then-pro-spanking DH to my way of thinking. What's ironic is, HE is light years better at GD than I am.

Here's the thing: my daughter is wonderful. She's three years old, she is a pleasant and easy-going child, she doesn't talk back, her manners are pretty good. She's very sensitive and cries if you joke with her (so we try to avoid it), she whines when she's hungry/tired/needs attention, and she doesn't always listen so well. Normal three-year-old things, nothing out of the ordinary. She would be so, so easy to GD.

The problem is ME. I have zero patience. NONE, and I don't think I ever really did. It was so much easier when she was a baby and a little toddler, but now I just get so frustrated with her...mostly because of the constant chatter and the not listening. And I KNOW I'm horrible for getting frustrating, for raising my voice, instead of indulging her and giving her the attention she wants/needs. I feel like a horrible mother and like a giant ogre. I've been given this sweet, wonderful little girl, and I don't have the patience to deal even with her. Granted, I'm pregnant and tired, but this was an issue before that was an excuse.

I just feel like I'm royally messing up right now, and that's the last thing I want to do. Any suggestions on changing ME so I can more gently discipline and parent my daughter?

[IfMamaAintHappy]

Easy To Love Difficult to Discipline by Becky Bailey really opened my eyes to my OWN behaviour and what sort of model I am for my kids. I have read it several times and some of it is starting to sink in and Im making changes and seeing good things happen. I dont have a magic anger management class for you, but I am a high strung, fly off the handle kind of person, and this book has helped me a lot, changing ME and my behaviour.

[o-mama]

Mama Breathers

So I'm beyond NEW at GD...We desparately need it in our family as things have deteriorated severely the last couple years. I mention this so that if what I suggest is totally out of line with GD you have an understanding of why I'm currently clueless about it.

When you're feeling like you're about to blow your lid, sit down and start reading books with your marvelous kiddo. Sometimes we even just spontaneously load up and head to the library for change of scenery (and book selection). When I remember to do it we've had tremendous success in difussing aggrevations and aggressions. When I'm just a wound-up knot of scarlet furosity Dr. Seuss' Fox in Socks is a good unwinder...takes some energy to read it at a clip without mistakes. hehehehe. From there we go to something a little mellower. Sometimes we just look at the pictures of a book...especially some art books we have. Then we'll start looking for things in the pictures. This works with DS2 as well--he has a bonfire lit underneath him, but he sits in my lap for a book sometimes.

We're also trying to implement a tradition of an afternoon Tea & Poetry (herbal of course). We haven't been successful at consistency, but we've at least gotten to a point where DS1 asks for different kinds of herbal teas at the store. *grin* Establishing some kind of 'tradition' that is just between you and DD1 might help with her transitioning to the new baby as well--she'll know she still has HER time with you.

[DevaMajka]

Originally Posted by ragmama

The problem is ME.

Me too. My ds is pretty easy. But I still blow up and yell and shame.

What helped me (sorry, I know I sound like a broken record in my last few posts!) was reading Secret of Parenting. It would be nice if I could just change my reaction to a consensual one, but it's just not happening. So...SOP (which is mostly just about shutting your mouth! lol- disengaging and waiting them out. No punishment, etc) is much better than what I would do otherwise.

It honestly has helped. On a bigger level than just finding a way to get ds to do what I want. That's not what it is. It's almost like, I've finally got it through my thick skull that my word isn't the law, and that I don't HAVE to make ds comply with an order. Before, I think I was careful about "orders"- I don't give many. But if I gave one, I felt like I had to enforce it...period. (I really am and was more gentle than I make myself sound!)
Reading Wolf helped me on that front.

Oh, and just wanted to add that I'm hoping that SOP is a stepping stone to interacting with ds in a more consensual way. I'm reading Nonviolent Communication right now, and I love it. Actually, that might be a quite helpful read for you...

[maya44]

Originally Posted by Deva33mommy

Me too. My ds is pretty easy. But I still blow up and yell and shame.

What helped me (sorry, I know I sound like a broken record in my last few posts!) was reading Secret of Parenting. It would be nice if I could just change my reaction to a consensual one, but it's just not happening. So...SOP (which is mostly just about shutting your mouth! lol- disengaging and waiting them out. No punishment, etc) is much better than what I would do otherwise.

It honestly has helped. On a bigger level than just finding a way to get ds to do what I want. That's not what it is. It's almost like, I've finally got it through my thick skull that my word isn't the law, and that I don't HAVE to make ds comply with an order. Before, I think I was careful about "orders"- I don't give many. But if I gave one, I felt like I had to enforce it...period. (I really am and was more gentle than I make myself sound!)
Reading Wolf helped me on that front.

Oh, and just wanted to add that I'm hoping that SOP is a stepping stone to interacting with ds in a more consensual way. I'm reading Nonviolent Communication right now, and I love it. Actually, that might be a quite helpful read for you...

I have to completely second this. SOP gives you a way to be more gentle than not (no yelling, no threatening, no punishing) while requiring on your behalf WAY LESS PATIENCE than many GD techniques.

For me, and for many here, it sort of changes your frame of mind about what you are doing.

[ShadowMom]

Mama, could you maybe use a little bit of "me-time"? You sound kind of stressed out and with a 3 year old, and being pregnant, could you maybe use a day of pampering or at least a day to yourself?

I'm best equipped to be gentle with my DS when I have had plenty of sleep and feel like my emotional needs are being met. When those two things start to go down the toilet, I do a lot of counting to ten. :

[bekkers]

I am right there with you OP! I actually looked up Positive Parenting and I am going to get a copy, but I want to make sure I have the right book first. Is the author Azerrad? TIA,
--bekkers

[HappyMommy2]

I have found that I get frustrated when I am trying to do something else. If I can just let the dishes or the laundry wait until later, and just go play or read with DS, we both feel better. Yes, we have to get things done, but he also needs me to be flexible and rearrange my plan for what is actually the most important thing at this instant! (him!)

I've also read to get them involved in the chores ... helping to sort laundry or put some plastic dishes away. It may take a lot longer - but is less stressful. One mom wrote that she washes the same two plastic dishes every load so that her DD could put them away each time!

[JustJamie]

I have a very short fuse, so I began to clench my hands into fists, wave my arms up and down and say "argh!" as loudly as I could when I was getting frustrated. The first time I did it in front of DD, it kinda shocked her for a minute, then she did it right back! So now it's a kind've game for us, as well as a way for me to diffuse my frustration. Always makes me laugh seeing her little fists and hearing her little ARGH!!!! And it usually distracts her from her whining.

[ragmama]

Thank you, ladies. I ordered copies of both Secret of Parenting and Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline (and they can't get here fast enough!)

ShadowMom, you may be onto something in that I'm stressed and could use some me-time...but then, I'm such a high-strung individual that I would need a LOT of me-time to feel really calm! Still, one day would'nt hurt...I'm working on that as well!

[Ruthla]

Originally Posted by ShadowMom

Mama, could you maybe use a little bit of "me-time"? You sound kind of stressed out and with a 3 year old, and being pregnant, could you maybe use a day of pampering or at least a day to yourself?

I'm best equipped to be gentle with my DS when I have had plenty of sleep and feel like my emotional needs are being met. When those two things start to go down the toilet, I do a lot of counting to ten. :

:

The simple fact that you recognize the problem is a huge step in the right direction! The best way to nurture her is to make sure you nurture yourself first.

Also, along with recognizing her limits, it's important to recognize your own. Sometimes I just need to tell my kids they need to play quietly, or I'm too tired to listen can you wait a few minutes and then ask me later, or can you go talk to your toys for a little while and talk to me after I've had a little quiet time. It may take her a little while to "get it" but eventually she WILL learn how to give you small breaks when you ask for them.