GMIL hand slapping my 7 MO OLD!?

[sunnymw]

Background: DH and I and DS (7 1/2 months old) are living with his grandmother for financial and support issues (GFIL's death/grief/she didn't want to live alone).

Anyway, I was just sitting with DS in the recliner and GMIL came over to talk sweet to him. He was sitting in my lap. Then he reached out and was touching stuff on the end table, including his paci, a piece of banana peel, and the phone cord (coming out of the back of the cordless phone base). When he grabbed the phone cord, GMIL GRABBED HIS HAND, Slapped it (lightly, but still) and said "NO, BAD". She did this THREE times. I said, "I KNOW you didn't just hit his hand!" and she said "You gotta TEACH them. We're not gonna put stuff UP around here, we're gonna teach him how to not touch it. He's not gonna be a hellian child when he goes to other people's houses... there are plenty of kids that came over that I wanted to beat the hell out of, and he won't be one of those."

I got up and sat outside and talked to DH about this. He said it wasn't a big deal and I was being overbearing and paranoid.

Now, we're moving out soon, but DH has said that, while he won't spank (I'm at least getting SOMEwhere), he'll still yell and pop his hand if he feels the need...

Anyway, what would YOU have done?! I'm so frustrated about this!

[sunnymw]

Sry, I guess what I'm asking is, what would be appropriate at this age for redirecting him? How should I handle him touching bad/dangerous things, since I'm obviously not in control of how "baby proofed" the place is (and it's NOT, it's fragile stuff EVERYWHERE)...

[A Boy's Mama]

Ack, I would so not have been OK with that. I would calmly sit down with your GMIL and explain how you intend to approach the subject of him not grabbing the things she doesn't want him to grab. It has to be realistic, obviously, so if she's really concerned about him grabbing the phone cord, perhaps the phone goes to live somewhere else in the house. But under no circumstances is she to hit her great-grandson. If she has issues with his behavior, she is to take them up with you or your husband because you're the parents.

[A Boy's Mama]

Ok, in that case, I'd talk to GMIL and explain that it's not in any way realistic to expect a 7.5 month old to not grab at things. So offer to carefully put away anything fragile of hers for safekeeping until you find a new place and then offer to put everything back for her. That's what I'd do.

[rmzbm]

You need to make perfectly clear to her she is NEVER to hit him again. Ever. : Not OK.

[ThreeBeans]

I would have slapped her hand :

[mumkimum]

There is no way your dc would understand anything other than pain at being slapped. It would have been more appropriate to take his hand off the phone cord, push it farther away (if possible) & hand over one of the 'ok' objects on the table.

It's going to be normal for your dc to explore right now, and really would be best to have a few baby-proofed areas that are okay for him to do that.

[Brojakee]

GMIL would have pulled back a nub where the hand she smacked him with used to be.

My family is the same way though, my grandfather actually said he was going to spank my son for hitting my daughter: Seriously my opinion is to say No, and redirect: And have a SERIOUS talk with GMIL on what is okay and what is NOT okay when discipling your son

[mama2mygirl]

Your son is a tiny baby. I can't imagine hitting a tiny baby.:
I would redirect--hand him something else.
In terms of your GMIL--I think you're going to have to out and out tell her, "Don't hit my kid."

[paquerette]

Oh my god, that's horrifying. Is there no way you can get out of this situation immediately? That's terrible. What would you do if she was beating him with a stick or burning him with cigarettes? He'll process this exactly the same way. He needs you to protect him from this abuse. And you need to have a serious talk with your DH. What on gods green earth makes him think this is okay in any way? :

[Hippiemommie]

Oh I would... um... kill her? I'm on GD when it comes to children not to people who think it's okay to hit children.

This would be a HUGE deal for me. What makes her think first that she can discipline your child at all and then she can slap or yell at him. A 7 month old baby will only know that someone who acts like they love him is hurting him. You don't want your child to question every relationship and worry that this person may start hurting him too. DH would be in the dog house too. No way would I let ANYONE hit my child. ANYONE!

[RiverSky]

"Don't you ever (^&&(%$@#ing touch my child again!"

That would have been my response.

If your GMIL won't babyproof, you are simply going to have to do it yourself. If you are going to sit down somewhere, move things that are within baby's reach, out of reach. Don't ever leave baby with GMIL because you cannot trust her to take care of baby. Honestly, she should never even be allowed to hold her. If she asks why, say that you are 100% against child abuse and you are not going to let it happen to your baby.

Honestly, I think you should get out of there as soon as you can. If necessary, go hide in your bedroom always. Leave the house as much as you can to get away from GMIL. Whether you take walks or go to the mall or go on playdates with friends, spend most of your time out of the house and away from GMIL until you can move away.

Hitting an infant is reprehensible and can cause permanent damage to your baby. I'm not talking about physical, I'm talking about her self-esteem, her confidence, her happiness, her soul. She could never ever understand why someone has hit her. If the hitting is allowed to continue, she will think that hitting = love and she will seek out hitting to feel loved. Seriously, that is some really bad stuff. Please protect your child and don't ever let it happen again. Your DH is hugely wrong. Smacking a child's hand is never acceptable.

I think I'm going to go cry now...

[PikkuMyy]

If you can't babyproof in general, or in the moment, I'd simply redirect him whenever he is near something he shouldn't play with or move that item out of reach.

Smacking his hand really wouldn't work in this situation anyway, even if it were an otherwise acceptable teaching tool, because you are in someone else's house, who controls where things are, and there would be WAY too many "forbidden" objects for him to learn which were ok and which weren't.

[ericswifey27]

Aack! That's horrible! Just say "I know you meant well (insert gagging here) but I am the parent, and my child is not to be hit. He is too little to understand and hitting is not okay anyway. Next time redirect his attention to something else" If you get a hostile or indifferent response I would make sure g-grandma is never within hitting distance again

[sunnymw]

Thanks for the replies.

We're going to be moving out soon, but we'll certainly be really careful until then. I don't leave him in her care anyway (after the incident with the DR PEPPER). I will talk to her about positive ways to teach him since I know she "means well" and just doesn't know that there's a good way to teach without physical violence. DH, of course, doesn't think that it's physical violence. He always violently opposes any new idea I bring up (NCB, intact, bf, no vax) and then gradually gets converted, so I need to start NOW (thought I had time!) with the GD philosophies and research so by the time he needs teaching and discipline, DH will be a convert. It will also help to be away from the family (very old fashioned, everyone spanks) and, if I'm lucky, around other GD parents with well behaved kids

Thanks for the advice and support. I love MDC =D it's my complete sanity saver.

[mom22girls]

Originally Posted by sunnymw

Thanks for the replies.

We're going to be moving out soon, but we'll certainly be really careful until then. I don't leave him in her care anyway (after the incident with the DR PEPPER). I will talk to her about positive ways to teach him since I know she "means well" and just doesn't know that there's a good way to teach without physical violence. DH, of course, doesn't think that it's physical violence. He always violently opposes any new idea I bring up (NCB, intact, bf, no vax) and then gradually gets converted, so I need to start NOW (thought I had time!) with the GD philosophies and research so by the time he needs teaching and discipline, DH will be a convert. It will also help to be away from the family (very old fashioned, everyone spanks) and, if I'm lucky, around other GD parents with well behaved kids

Thanks for the advice and support. I love MDC =D it's my complete sanity saver.

You are a more patient woman than I. I would have done a combo of things people told you to do, like slap her back and use "colorful" language.

On a hopeful note, I'm sure my dh thought I became freako hippy mama when we had dd1, what with all the boobage (and open talk about breastfeeding) and GD, and natural parenting. DH comes from a conservative Irish background. However fast forward 5 years later, and he was out with a colleague and his wife and their new baby. They were out walking and the baby started crying in the stroller, my dh came home and complained to me that his colleague kept pressuring his wife NOT to pick up the baby, that it would spoil it, and that my dh was biting his lip not to tell him just to let her pick him up and/or feed the baby. I was so proud of my dh (and just a little proud about my work too!!)

The moral is: you won't change him overnight, but when he sees that your discipline method works as well as, better than people who hit (slap, pop or whatever euphemism makes them feel better) he will come around.

[marybethorama]

Originally Posted by mumkimum

There is no way your dc would understand anything other than pain at being slapped. It would have been more appropriate to take his hand off the phone cord, push it farther away (if possible) & hand over one of the 'ok' objects on the table.

That is the perfect way to handle it.