book for kids on dealing with anger

[rosebuds]

I am looking for a book reccomendation for my dd who is having a difficult time controlling her anger. She is 7 y/o.

She is very rigid in her ways as far as routine goes which is a blessing when it comes to routine stuff like school, daily events etc. However, when she doesn't get her way she goes from 0-100 in under 10 seconds. She yells and lashes out at whoever appears to be getting in her way, family only. She never reacts like this at school. Which I think may be part of the problem, that at school she really holds all emotion in and then at home she really loses it when things aren't going her way.

I am really tired of her hitting at me and at herself (clenched fist into her thigh). I don't know if our consequence is enough...I just tell her it is inappropriate for her to hit, she needs to calm down and I walk away. Gentle yes, but then she just keeps doing it. When I ask her about her choices later she gets defensive and justifies that it was ok. Then, more time later she is really sorry for what she has done. Tonight we talked a bit about different consequences but none of them seemed natural and more like punishments. Taking allowance away, or bike privillages away for example. But I can see that spiralling into a lot of negativity and no real solution. Do you think I need a tougher consequence than simply walking away?

Anyways, I didn't intend on getting into specifics but thought that maybe there is a great book out there geared towards her age group that speaks to the anger she feels and the aggression that quickly follows.

With GREAT THANKS to all suggestions...I feel we really need them!

[famousmockngbrd]

Have you tried talking with her about different ways to handle her anger? (I'm sure you have, but just in case.) Roleplaying? These are things to do when she's calm, of course - but then you can remind her of them and help her actually use them in situations where she is really angry.

I agree with you that taking away posessions, priviledges, etc, is punishment. Personally I don't think punishment is the best way to help someone to learn new skills, and to me that's what angry kids need - better anger management skills.

I assume you have talked to her about why she's angry? You said she doesn't like it when her routine is disrupted. Do you think the routine makes her feel safe? Why does she feel so threatened when it doesn't go according to plan?

I hope someone comes along with a great book for you. I'd be interested in reading it too! Though my DS is 4, so I have no experience with 7 yr. olds. Wanna hear something crazy - we ended up sending him to his room, with the oven timer set to 3 minutes. When he heard the buzzer, he could come out if he was calm. It's totally the naughty step, just without the step. : For some reason, he really responded positively to it. He'd stay in his room after the buzzer went off a lot of times, and I'd go in and we'd talk about what happened. He hasn't hit in a while. It seems to come in cycles, though, so who knows what will be happening in six months.

[carolba]

I am reading Positive Discipline by Jane Nelson for my 1 and 3 year old, however, I really believe it is geared toward older children and I think it would really help!

[umsami]

Found this:
http://www.holyfamilyparish.org/resource/fammomt2.htm

"The Feeling Book by Caryn Boddie: A guide to expressing emotion creatively; identifies and describes feelings of happiness, sadness, anger, etch. Tells what other kids do when they have those feeling; and, suggests ways children can express their feelings. Includes a bibliography and reading list for adults. For all ages.

Every Kid's Guide to Handling Feelings by Jay Berry: Explains what feelings are, that some are comfortable (love, happiness, etc.) and that others are uncomfortable (anger, guilt, etc.); suggests ways to handle uncomfortable feelings.

I Was So Mad by Norma Simon: Describes situations that make children angry, frustrated and anxious; helps them express their feelings through acceptable outlets. For ages 5 to 7.

Attila Angre by Marjorie Sharmat: Attila Squirrel gets angry at just about everything; joins Angry Animals Anonymous to learn to control angry thoughts and to concentrate on pleasant ones. For ages 5 to 8.

I'll Fix Anthony by Judith Viorst: A younger brother imagines (funny) revenge plots he will implement when he is finally six and can take revenge on his older brother, Anthony, whom he perceives as being mean to him. Ages 4 to 8.

Good books about displaced anger include: 7he Quarreling Book by Charlotte Zolotow, for ages 5 to 8; and, The Sorely Trying Day by Russell Haban, ages 5 to 8.

Books dealing with friends and anger include: I'm Not Oscar's Friend Anymore by Marjorie Sharmat, forages 5 to 7; The Hating Book by Charlotte Zolotow, ages 3 to 7; and, Let's Be Enemies by Janice Udry, ages 4 to 8."

[rosebuds]

Yes, we really have talked a lot about what goes wrong and makes her angry. It is mostly when she expecting something to go a certain way and then it doesnt. Sometimes it is reasonable for her to be dissappointed, other times I can't figure any reasoning to it. Regardless, she knows that dissappointment is always something we can discuss, I listen to her about her dissappointments etc but more often than not she has 'lost her temper' before a discussion can begin.

We have been successful with her calming down once the storm has hit. She knows to be alone, write in a journal, do some mosaic art or read a book but there is that split moment of time that we need to work on. The moment where she is realizing she is not getting her way. Because as I said in my op it seems to happen sooooo quickly.

Tonights example...

We were coming home and she and her sister wanted to play but it was already past washing up for bed time. I compromised (aaahhhh we are veering from routine) and gave them 15 minutes to play. We agreed calmly and beforehand that once the 15 minutes were up they were to come when called to brush their teeth. If they did not come when called I would put their toys away for them but that was going to be the consequence if they were not following the aggreement. They agreed. So of course after the 15 minutes (with countdowns 5 min, 2 min, 1 min) I called them, my 5 y/o came right away without a fuss and the 7 y/o ignored me. I called her a second time, going in to the room and saw that she was in the middle of reading. I said ok just finish that section up and come right along. 5 min passed and she still wasnt coming, I went back into the room and saw her just flipping through the pages. So I gave her the verbal "We had a plan and we agreed that I would put your book away if you did not come so I am going to put it aside now and you can go get ready for bed." I reached for the book and she grabbed my arm and started kicking me with her feet. I told her that it was not ok, she needed to calm down, we had an agreement that was approved by her and I left the room. She screamed, yelled and called me names. I was furious but what can I do? I feel so helpless, I feel like she just thinks it is ok to treat me like that. I told her how upset I was.

So anyways, there it is. Yes we veered from routine but sheesh she should be able to handle that.

[rosebuds]

Thank you umsami, I checked online at my library and several of those books are there. I will definitely be there tomorrow!

[famousmockngbrd]

She even *wanted* to deviate from the routine, right? It sounds like maybe she just didn't want to stop doing what she was doing. I don't know, though. (obviously! lol)

I think it's perfectly reasonable for you to expect her to adhere to her end of a bargain. But I also think that by making the point that she *isn't* adhering, and so you are now going to do X, is kind of setting up the potential for the situation to escalate. You've thrown down the gauntlet, so to speak. It might work better if you just stick to the facts - it's been 15 minutes, time to wash up. Do you need help putting the book away? You can tell I have a 4 yr. old, lol. I have no idea if this would be appropriate for a 7 year old. But you get the idea.

Try not to let the name calling get to you. It's hard, though. I tell DS, "Address the action, not the person." In other words, tell me you don't like being told to stop reading, not that I'm mean. I tell him to tell me how angry he is at me, not that I'm a horrible mommy. He does OK with it but he's not really old enough to pull out the big guns of name calling - he's still an amateur.

[gingerstar]

umsami, thank you for that list. I will take it with me to the library.

rosebuds, I can really relate to what you are saying. I have been searching this board for help with older kids, but most of it is toddler stuff. My 9 yo is very much like your 7 yo in that anything unexpected throws her completely. She will say "No!" to the best thing ever if it is unexpected. (eg. Look, Grandma showed up with ice cream!...She would go to her room. Then, after about 15 minutes, when she had coped with it, she would come out and want some.)
I got a lot from Mary Sheedy Kurcinka's books, about spirited children.

http://www.parentchildhelp.com/Spiri...9/Default.aspx

However, that does not always solve my problems with her, especially her anger and mistreatment of her siblings. I hope these books will be a good start, though.

A friend has a son with Asperger's and she has been a source of help to me, because of how she has accepted and chosen to deal with her son, lovingly and trying to keep his best qualities foremost in her mind, to help her deal with the more difficult aspects.

[WuWei]

The book, Each Breath A Smile, by Thich Nhat Hanh helps children learn mindful breathing through a relaxed and engaging story. http://www.amazon.co.uk/Each-Breath-.../dp/1888375221 Reading the book frequently for "practice" relaxation makes the self-calming technique to be more approachable and familiar when under stress. It helps adults too.


Pat

[Roar]

What I'd like to see is some serious discussion outside of the moment. What does she think about the situation? How does she want it to change? Can she brainstorm a list of ideas to try. We can start with the first idea for a week and see how it goes. What can she do to try to self monitor better. Would she like to keep calendar where a few set times a day she rates her feelings of anger on a scale from one to ten and keeps track of how many blow ups she has, what was happening before and after so she can learn to spot the triggers. Would she like to have a posted list of angry ideas (stomp feet, breath, write in journal, etc.). Would she like to set a personal goal for herself - go four days without losing my temper and then I will celebrate by going out for ice cream with the family. Could we set a weekly time to check in and see how we are all coming with our goals. (it may be a good time for you to identify a personal behavior you want to work more on too so you can model identifying a problem and making a plan to work on it).

What I'm getting at here is that I agree that traditional punishment and rewards isn't the way to go. She may though like some very concrete measurable ways to address this problem - a real plan to help her feel in control. The specific plan is probably less important than her feelings of taking control of the situation by making a plan and sticking with it. It needs to come from her. Not losing your temper is a huge big thing and most of us get pretty overwhelmed by huge big things. What ways can we break this into a more manageable goal for her and have a clear upbeat positive plan she can work on to improve.

[naturalmame]

Sounds like my ds who is 6, someone recommended "The Explosive Child" to me here, have not had time to read yet, right now I am reading " Easy to Love Difficult to Discipline" which is helping me deal with his anger when things do not go as he would like them to. Thought you might check it out.

[Ornery]

I had some of the same types of problems with my ds#1. He had a VERY explosive temperment (might have been genetics as his biological dad, who had no role in his upbringing whatsoever, was exactly the same way). Also, I was never great with dealing with anger (never had explosions, I just "didn't ever get angry") so how was poor ds supposed to learn. It got to the point where he completely destroyed his room (at age five) and I actually was scared. I ended up utilizing a really great counselor to help him figure out ways of expressing his anger that weren't destructive. At the time, it really helped to find someone outside of the situation, as he just wasn't hearing what he needed to hear from me (even though I had many of the same suggestions). Roleplaying was huge, and we practiced on a regular basis. That seemed to help the best. As did him drawing his anger out, literally. I would give him paint and large pieces of paper, and it helped him express things that he couldn't express verbally. Now, at 11, he has a very normal temper, with very rare outbursts that do not get "out of control". We still roleplay a lot because situations change as he get olders, and now he writes instead of drawing. I just thank goodness that we got the help he needed, because I have some friends who have children who haven't learned how to express their anger, and those parents are actually afraid of their children. Good luck!

[happeeevraftr]

I need suggestions for books on this too, only for a 3, almost 4 year old. Pat, that book you recommended looks cute, do you think a 4 year old would get it? How picture-full is it?

One thing I would suggest is to stop walking away. I know it is like, the hardest thing to do because for heaven's sake, she's hurting you. And I'm not suggesting you stay close enough and just let her hit you. But in my experience with my own daughter, the times I walk away, even saying calmly, "You're welcome to come with me," or "I'm not going to let you hit me," just make her more irate. She doesn't even here my perfectly logical (to me) explanation about why I am leaving her. She's just MAD. Mad in the first place because of whatever, but FURIOUS now that I am walking away from her.

So I've started thinking about her outrageous behavior as a desperate call for attention. Instead of walking away, or getting mad and STERNLY declaring that You May NOT Hit Me (which, duh, she knows that, but she's not hearing it and it's not helpful when she's in the state of mind she's in when hands are flying), I've tried just staying there, watching her, looking at her with the most empathetic, I'm so sorry you're feeling this out of control, it must be so scary for you expression I can muster.

The times I've been able to do this, she has calmed down after a few seconds, stared at me in wonderment, and then gone into another room and slammed the door. Then a couple of minutes later, she's come out and snuggled with me. We can talk about what went on and better ways to handle it later, when the strong emotions are behind us. (Trying to talk about it as soon as she comes in to snuggle just gets us back to bad.)

So, I know you were looking for book recs, and I don't have any, but I thought I'd throw that out there--assume she is seeking connection, even though she's displaying the opposite behavior. I remember behaving in similar ways as a kid, and I WISH my mom had responded to me with connection. So I'm trying to do it with my daughter. It's just really, really hard.