My SIL is spanking her baby.

[my3peanuts]

My nephew will be a year old in June and for the last few MONTHS his parents have been swatting him for things. Mostly when he kicks around and protests during a diaper change but also for things like touching things he has been told not to touch and for "yelling" about things when he wants his way. I've tried explaining to my SIL that he doesn't understand and he's too young to understand but she doesn't believe it. :

What is the worst part about all of this is that her and her dh are responsible for our children if we were to die. We chose them before they had kids and I did NOT see this coming from them as parents. I'm so worried now that if for some unlikely reason we were to die that our children would be raised this way. It makes me sad because we really love them and they aren't bad people but that is not the way I want my kids raised.

I've brought it up to dh and he just keeps saying, "quit worrying about it, it's more than likely never going to happen anyway" but I do worry. I feel like I can't just say that I've changed my mind and I don't want them to take our kids if we were to die because that isn't totally true, I just want her to know that is not ok and if she were to ever have my kids she'd have to promise me she'd raise them the way I want them to be raised.

Would it be stupid of me to write a letter addressed to them expressing my concerns and stating my philosophy about raising my kids and let her know where it's at and that if the time ever came she could read it? I don't mean a long, cumbersome list of rules, or anything like that but I think it would be helpful for me to know that her and her dh would have something written down that we've requested of them. Hope that makes sense!

[DoulaClara]

Nicole, I think there's little else to do but alter your will. You can protect your children right now, or leave it to chance that if something ever were to happen, that she would willingly and on her own change her behavior. I doubt that would happen. Right now is when you have the power. There has to be someone in your life much more in line with your philosophy.

Clara

[my3peanuts]

Originally Posted by DoulaClara

Nicole, I think there's little else to do but alter your will. You can protect your children right now, or leave it to chance that if something ever were to happen, that she would willingly and on her own change her behavior. I doubt that would happen. Right now is when you have the power. There has to be someone in your life much more in line with your philosophy.

Clara

It isn't in our will. We don't have one. : It's just been discussed between everyone. And sadly, there is NO ONE even closely in line with our philosophy.

[BookishVonLiberal]

Originally Posted by my3peanuts

It isn't in our will. We don't have one. : It's just been discussed between everyone. And sadly, there is NO ONE even closely in line with our philosophy.

If you don't have a will, the courts get to decide who gets your children.

[DoulaClara]

Originally Posted by my3peanuts

And sadly, there is NO ONE even closely in line with our philosophy.

I'm sorry. I hope you can find someone still. There is nothing wrong with letting them know that you're keeping your options open. There are a lot of websites, by the way, that can help you find a cheap and legally binding will if you're interested in something along those lines.

And Vypros, I would recommend reading this forum's Guidelines and alter your post before it is done for you. "Swatting on the behind" is disrespectful to all people, even children. Your post sounds alarmingly endorsing of the practice...

The issue here is not necessarily what she will be doing about her SIL's behavior towards her SIL's children, it's the fact that she no longer wishes her SIL to be her own children's guardians.
Clara

[LoveBeads]

Originally Posted by Vypros

So long as the "swatting" remains on the bottom only, then I hardly classify this is abuse or a poor parenting technique. I know this forum doesn't agree with spanking a child, so I won't go into it, but really you shouldn't be able to bash something that you can't defend here either.

Hitting a baby, whether it is a swat or a tap or whatever word you want to use to justify it, is abuse.

If you don't have a will then you can write one and you should do that for many, many reasons. I wouldn't bother with a letter, I would just take the actions necessary to protect my child. If I did witness somebody hitting a baby then I don't think I would be able to keep my mouth shut but I don't think writing a letter will do any good.

[aprildawn]

Vypros - I agree with others who suggest you read the guidelines for this forum before posting an endorsement of spanking or telling the OP it's no big deal.

my3peanuts - I am in a similar boat as you in not having someone my girls can go to if DH and I die. Does your SIL understand how you feel about spanking and why? But do the two of you discuss parenting and the various philosophies people have? Not lectures or arguments, but heart-to-heart discussions. Even though she may not agree with you, she may respect you and your beliefs enough that if she did end up raising your kids she'd follow through in your honor. Does that make sense? People often do things for a deceased person they wouldn't do otherwise.

[Vypros]

Originally Posted by LoveBeads

Hitting a baby, whether it is a swat or a tap or whatever word you want to use to justify it, is abuse.

If you don't have a will then you can write one and you should do that for many, many reasons. I wouldn't bother with a letter, I would just take the actions necessary to protect my child. If I did witness somebody hitting a baby then I don't think I would be able to keep my mouth shut but I don't think writing a letter will do any good.

Oops, didn't read the actual age of the child.

The best thing I can do is leave this particular section before I get banned for my viewpoints. :

[ThreeBeans]

Originally Posted by Vypros

So long as the "swatting" remains on the bottom only, then I hardly classify this is abuse or a poor parenting technique. I know this forum doesn't agree with spanking a child, so I won't go into it, but really you shouldn't be able to bash something that you can't defend here either.

There are more important things to worry about than whether or not your sister in law spanks their child. Seriously. A letter stating your philosophy isn't going to do anything but incite anger or make them roll their eyes. I don't mean that to be ignorant, but you're not going to be able to change it.

I don't think you get it. And yes, I think that you are being ignorant.


OP, you need a will, and you clearly need to state in your will WHY they cannot have custody of their children. "BIL and SIL started hitting their baby at 10 months of age. We respectfully request that our children be put into custody of caretakers who do not hit their children."

[ThreeBeans]

Originally Posted by Vypros

Oops, didn't read the actual age of the child.

The best thing I can do is leave this particular section before I get banned for my viewpoints. :

I hope your viewpoints don't include hitting children. Why don't you stick around and do some reading instead of clinging to such an abusive practice?

[Vypros]

Originally Posted by ThreeBeans

I hope your viewpoints don't include hitting children. Why don't you stick around and do some reading instead of clinging to such an abusive practice?

Look, if I can't defend my viewpoints, then you shouldn't be able to bash them.

[MommaLyon]

Amend your will NOW! Who oever is closest to your parenting style...talk with them about what your vision is for your children. then alter your will.

[LoveBeads]

Originally Posted by Vypros

Look, if I can't defend my viewpoints, then you shouldn't be able to bash them.

On MDC you can talk about how abusive spanking is all you want. But you can't defend it or justify it.

[ThreeBeans]

Originally Posted by Vypros

Look, if I can't defend my viewpoints, then you shouldn't be able to bash them.

If your viewpoint is that hitting children is acceptable, you bet your bottom dollar I will be bashing it. There is some good literature on this website about how wrong it is to hit children. Rather than clinging to such an appalling and outrageous abusive practice, why not read and learn how much harm you are doing your children?

[Vypros]

Originally Posted by LoveBeads

On MDC you can talk about how abusive spanking is all you want. But you can't defend it or justify it.

Out of curiosity, I must ask:

WHY?

How can you learn more about your point of view without seeing the other side of the coin?

It's along the same vein of a christian being told not to study other religions for fear that they might convert to said religions. If the viewpoint is powerful enough, it will stick, even in the face of adversity. Right?

Also, spanking isn't an illegal thing, so it's not like you're condoning something illegal. If I recall correctly, it's "legal" to spank a child on their bottom (and only their bottom).

I'm just wondering WHY it has to be a one sided debate.

[LoveBeads]

Originally Posted by Vypros

I'm just wondering WHY it has to be a one sided debate.

It's not a debate. It cannot be condoned here. If you want to debate somebody about it then log onto any mainstream parenting website and have at it.

From the forum guidelines:

Please appreciate that this forum is not a place to uphold or advocate physical punishment of children. Personal preferences for and encouragement of use of physical punishment are inappropriately posted here. Posts of that nature will be edited by the member upon request or will be removed.

[Vypros]

Originally Posted by LoveBeads

It's not a debate. It cannot be condoned here. If you want to debate somebody about it then log onto any mainstream parenting website and have at it.

From the forum guidelines:

I knew the rules on it, I was just asking WHY it couldn't be debated here.

[rmzbm]

Originally Posted by Vypros

So long as the "swatting" remains on the bottom only, then I hardly classify this is abuse or a poor parenting technique.

It's a VERY poor parenting technique.

[forthebest]

Because nobody here is gonna advocate striking a child so what exactly would there be to discuss? How many different ways to hit a child and where and why? or how to develop parenting techniques that don't rely on/involve hitting children?

[PikkuMyy]

Originally Posted by Vypros

I knew the rules on it, I was just asking WHY it couldn't be debated here.

It can't be debated here because the Motheringdotcom forums spring from Mothering Magazine. Both exist to advocate for and support Attachment Parenting (AP) which is a parenting philosophy that involves promoting attachment between parents and children through the use of many techniques and ideas. One of those is using respectful means of parenting, which do NOT include hitting. Period. This is true all over MDC, not just in the gentle discipline forum.

You won't find posts here defending spousal hitting, nor will you find posts here defending child hitting. We see it as the same thing.

That being said, there are MANY alternatives to using physical discipline and you can learn about them very easily on this forum as well as on MDC in general, even if you just read through the stickies and older posts. There are so many great ideas and ways of teaching children, why would anyone resort to violence? Most people do it because they don't have another discipline tool that works. But if you take the time to learn, you'll find that there are many.