Could you be friends with someone who spanks her children???

[leelee2]

I'm having a hard time with this one. I don't think I can be and I don't know if I'm being reasonable?
She spanks her children for religious reasons too. It seems cult like to me. They believe in the "Shepherding A Child's Heart" book and it really made me sick to my stomach to read.
I'd love to hear your thoughts on this topic.

[daniedb]

Well, it depends on the situation and the friend. I have a few friends who do spank (only one who doesn't, in S. Tx you're hard pressed to find anyone who doesn't spank). While I, of course, disagree with their choice, and have never witnessed it myself, they rarely do it, and only in times of extreme behaviors and they don't do it in moments of anger, from what they say. They certainly are not part of the Pearl/Ezzo type cult teachings, and they really see it as a last resort when they can't think of anything else to do.

I love these women, and I feel comfortable remaining close to them for a few reasons. First, you can tell when you talk to them that they do not like spanking their kiddos, there is already guilt there about it. Second, I hope and expect that by remaining friends and close to them, I will be able to model alternatives and perhaps change the course of their discipline. Also, the two moms I'm thinking of are challenged with highly spirited, very strong-willed little girls, and you know what? I haven't walked in their shoes or lived a day in their lives, so if they feel like they "have" to resort to spanking their kids, I can't judge them for that. All I can do is just continue to model my discipline techniques and voice my opinion, which we do, and hope that they are able to find alternatives through my influence and their growth.

As for the Ezzo/Pearl/etc., type people...I don't know. I used to go to church where Babywise was a huge part of the childrearing culture there, and I don't think that I could be close to moms who followed those teachings. I think I could stay casual acquaintances with them, but I just don't think that they would be viable candidates for close friends. Again, I would probably stay in touch with them, keeping it on a casual basis, hoping that watching me guide my kids gently would influence their discipline techniques, but if they were a family that just spanked for everything and did so in front of me, I just don't think I could do it. I've not seen a kid spanked, and I think I would most likely pack up and leave and be cautious about spending time with them in the future. I don't want to see that, and I don't know how in the world I could explain it to Henry. He's already upset enough when we go to the store and hear moms and dads yelling and being ugly and rude to their kids. I can't imagine him seeing a parent hit their child.

[rainbow_mandala]

No, people who spank (no matter what the reason) are typically disturbed...not my idea of a worthwhile friendship.

[sagira]

I would hardly have any friends if I didn't. I can admit it's off-putting if you first meet them. My husband's aunt (I know, family) uses that book too. Her child seems happy, well-adjusted, well-behaved. They also give her lots of affection and love. But I had to talk to her and tell her please don't discuss her disciplinary actions with me, as she was gloating how she spanker her for this and it worked, etc. You have to set boundaries.

My friend that I just got off the phone with said something that stayed with me: "I don't hit her anymore, I just spank her now". That makes me think that it's really hard for some parents just to get to spanking and not impulsive hitting. If that is a step forward, then so be it. She's trying to get to no spanking at all, but it's uber-difficult for her.

So, to make a long story short, yes, I think you can have friends and disagree with them about major subjects. It's the same as with religion or politics, but not with someone who's physically abusive or mentally cruel.

[ThreeBeans]

In that situation, absolutely not.

I have a few friends who do spank when they are their wits end. They don't like it, they're ashamed when it happens, and they admit it's because they lost control. I just hope by modeling GD techniques and mentioning how wrong it is to hit children, I'll help them eliminate that technique from their repertoire.

People who cling to hitting children as a method of discipline ESPECIALLY for religious reasons gross me out.

[lucky_mia]

Hmm, I don't know anyone who spanks so I have never thought about it. If it was an occassional swat on the butt for something major, I guess I am thinking major safety issue, but I would not be comfortable with someone who did it on a regualr basis for minor stuff. I guess if they were already a close friend I might try to help them find a better way. If they are doing it for religious reasons then it would be harder to change their opinion and they don't sound like the kind of person I would like to hang out with anyway.

[cutekid]

I am friends with people who spank. Infact even some of the most "AP" parents I have met believe in spanking. I am always vocal about spanking and I don't mind telling them when they might worng in their logic for spanking. For example, my friend was telling me she didn't want her child to be afraid of her, and I ask her how spanking her was preventing that. She seriously, didn't know that it was. She spanks because it so called "works". But she also CIO's because it "works".

I deal with it like this, if you are at my HOUSE no one gets hit. If you want to spank your kids, do it at your house. We are at NO HITTING HOUSE!!!

My babysitter also spanks, well she threatens..she says she rarely follows through. I told her that i oculd give her some easy resources that would work....or they work for my DS and I. She's open to the idea.

[trinity6232000]

Originally Posted by daniedb

As for the Ezzo/Pearl/etc., type people...I don't know. I used to go to church where Babywise was a huge part of the childrearing culture there, and I don't think that I could be close to moms who followed those teachings. I think I could stay casual acquaintances with them, but I just don't think that they would be viable candidates for close friends. Again, I would probably stay in touch with them, keeping it on a casual basis, hoping that watching me guide my kids gently would influence their discipline techniques, but if they were a family that just spanked for everything and did so in front of me, I just don't think I could do it. I've not seen a kid spanked, and I think I would most likely pack up and leave and be cautious about spending time with them in the future. I don't want to see that, and I don't know how in the world I could explain it to Henry. He's already upset enough when we go to the store and hear moms and dads yelling and being ugly and rude to their kids. I can't imagine him seeing a parent hit their child.

:

It would really depend on the whole of the person, and not one action (even a big one) for me to
cut a person from my life.

My group of friends are people I have been friends with for 10+ years. I had a child 7 years ago
and the oldest of my friends children is 3.5yo. Now my friend with the almost 4yo I know does
spank, I have never seen them spank their child, but we've talked about it. They also know that I
don't spank. Now I know many will not agree with their way, but I feel the need to clarify. Both
parents were raised in spanking families. It was used (and is currently) when the child does
something that puts them into danger. Asking a child not to touch a stove or iron, and the child
continuing to try to touch, or running into the road when they have been talked to about the danger.

Now I don't agree with spanking, but the majority of their parenting is very AP despite the fact
that nether parent knows the definition of AP. They cosleep, extended breastfeed, both parents
spend huge amounts of quality time with their children (they also have a baby that is almost one
year). I love spending time with these friends. They except me exactly how I come, and we
laugh, and do a lot of activities with our kids together.

Now if they were the type of family that makes threats of spanking constantly in front of my child
I would have to back away from the friendship. Also if these were friendships that I would miss I
might back off spend limited time with them until our children are older, and spanking wouldn't be
a discipline issue. (don't most people stop spanking at some point? like age 5/6?) I found with my
dd that lately these issues come up less likely because of her age group.

I think many times in families that spank there is a bigger issue that could make them the type of
people that I wouldn't have much in common with. A lifestyle that isn't conducive to my own. So in
that situation it wouldn't have as much to do with spanking, but more with the fact that we're not a
good friendship match.

[Moonprysm]

I would not be around a person who openly spanks their children in front of me or my son. If it's something that's done at their home, then I may or may not be friends with them - it would just depend on what we have in common in other areas of our lives. But no, I would not allow violence if front of my or my son.

[dillonandmarasmom]

My sister and her husband used spanking when their sons were preschoolers. Actually, dad would do it. It was never in anger (at least that I know). It was the "go up to your room, I'll be there in a minute..." .
Now that the kids are 10 and 8, they are wonderful boys. I don't think they have used a spanking for years... The family is very Irish Catholic, and spanking is pretty common amongst their peers.
Anyway, I am absolutely friends with them. They are amazing people. Warm, loving, a very rounded family. I have had discussions with my sis about how I do things compared to her ways. She usually gets defensive or feels regretful, so we just agree to disagree. I admire so many things about them, I can't imagine not being friends.

I very much disagree that people who spank are disturbed. Yes, many are. But, many are not and in fact are very much like you and I. Pretty broad brush you were using there...

[trinity6232000]

Originally Posted by dillonandmarasmom

I very much disagree that people who spank are disturbed. Yes, many are. But, many are not and in fact are very much like you and I. Pretty broad brush you were using there...

I have to agree with the above. If all people who spanked their children were disturbed I
would be afraid to leave my house. The majority of Americans believe that spanking is a
proper way to discipline their children. While I don't agree with them, I can't believe they
are "typically disturbed".

I believe the trend is changing, and I believe that with exposer to parents who don't spank,
there can be a lot to learn from each other.

[ThreeBeans]

I think spanking=disturbed when it's done with a clear emphasis on control and submission a la Pearl or Dobson.

I'd like to think that most parents who spank do it out of desparation or just not knowing better.

[chaoticzenmom]

In certain circumstances, I could. If they were a one swat, with warning,reason, etc and not near me, then that's their business. Knowing that they used any objects to spank or if I felt that they were constantly punishing their child or urged me to do the same, then, No I couldn't be friends with them.
Lisa

[MommaLyon]

I have a SIL to be that is part of the Ezzo cult and I simply cannot be around her most of the time. My heart breaks for her baby! Her husband believes Ezzo is fabulous...most likely because his parents used the book. There is no way I want to be around when they start to spank. Just posting this makes me think of it and gets me fired up!

[moondiapers]

I have friends that spank their children, but it's not often. They spank them a few times a year, not daily, weekly, or even monthly. They know I'm not comfortable with it and are respectful of my feelings by not doing it when I'm around or my children are around to witness it.

[captain optimism]

Originally Posted by leelee2

I'm having a hard time with this one. I don't think I can be and I don't know if I'm being reasonable?
She spanks her children for religious reasons too. It seems cult like to me. They believe in the "Shepherding A Child's Heart" book and it really made me sick to my stomach to read.
I'd love to hear your thoughts on this topic.

No, I don't think I could be friends with someone like that. I could be friends with someone who spanked in a moment of lost control, but not someone who thought it was the best way to raise children. That would be a deal-breaker for me.

I think it's reasonable to want to be friends with people who are on the same wavelength about important things. There are other things about which I could disagree with a friend and they wouldn't bug me. This is one of the important ones.

[McMandy]

I have a lot of friends who believe in spanking, but for the most part, they use it as a last resort- and its never a public thing.

I'm friends with all sorts of people who do things I don't necessarily agree with, but I realize they are loving people just trying to do their best.

I'd rather not hang out with people who strike at their children out of anger. We live in an area that either lets their children do whatever the heck they want, or goes overboard in the spanking area.

I would like to see more people handle their children with gentle discipline. I know it's not easy, and it takes a lot of SELF-discipline to stay calm and in control of your emotions, but the rewards are two-fold. My children are better and I'm better. They dont walk around with those emotions caused by spanking, and I dont walk around with the guilt, wishing I would have done something else instead.

In hanging out with people with different parenting styles, we may show them new ways to approach bad behaviour. I know I am pretty watchful of how my friends handle their children when they get a little too rowdy. So many times, their approach is better than mine, not just because its calmer, but because the result is a calmer child who is more likely to listen and behave, instead of strike back or wail.

Parenting is a learning process- we dont have it all together, and we often do what our parents did with us. Many people feel, "Well, I turned out okay, so my child will be okay if I do the same thing."

[SweetPotato]

I would not want to be friends with a man who hits his wife-- so why would I want to be friends with a woman who hits her child? I get very frustrated sometimes-- with my husband, with old co-workers, with the guy who cuts me off with his car-- but I would never hit any of them. I simply cannot understand why children don't seem to count as people. Violence is not okay- not out in public, not behind closed doors, not against big people or small ones.

[DevaMajka]

After a long time of not talking to a friend who spanks (occasionally), I think I've decided that it's not a good enough reason to end a friendship. We're talking again.
I honestly put people who spank for "safety reasons" (even though I think that logic is : ) or when they have no idea what else to do, in a totally different category than people who spank regularly as the main means of "discipline".
I really don't think I would stay friends with someone who was a follower of Ezzo, Pearls, Dobson, etc. That thought process is just way to creepy to me.

[KatenMiasMom]

Wow. A LOT of judgment on this issue.

I think calling your friend "disturbed" is farther than I would go, but you need to determine if you want your own children to be around this woman. Is this something you want them exposed to?

You can definitely set limits on your own space- tell your friend "I would not allow anyone to hit a child in my house- my children or other children, period. This is a NO HITTING house".

I personally can't be friends with people who allow CIO. I think those that do are horrible, irresponsible people and I choose not to be friends with people who can't bother to read or treat babies with respect. So I can see why people greatly opposed to spanking that being around those that do is simply unthinkable.

However, I know many excellent parents and wonderful, happy, attached, non-violent children who were swatted occasionally- even though the parents felt terrible and worked at alternatives. I, myself, have been in that situation with my 3 1/2 year old. I'm not perfect, but I'm certainly not "disturbed". I'm just another Mama trying my very best to raise happy, healthy, attached children, and I believe strongly in gentle discipline, but I'm not going to make a blanket statement that those that spank are unworthy of friendship!

It sounds to me, however, that this situation is very different. There are varying degrees of "spanking"- it's NOT a black and white issue in my eyes.

I hope, no matter what, that you don't find yourself loosing a worthwhile friendship. If it's not worthwhile, well, then, no worries!