Relationships After Baby

[BurtsGirl]

DW and I plan to TTC in Nov. We are both very excited and are patiently awaiting the time but I'm a little worried about how our relationship will change after the baby is here. I like being as prepared as possible or at least knowing what to expect and I have no clue. As lesbians we already face huge hurtles in our relationships, we live total out in the south. The two lesbian couples that I know that have had a child together broke up before the child was 3. My partner and I are rock solid right now, have always been. We also spend a LOT of time together and are the centers of each other's world. I love the support and companionship I receive from my partner, who will be the non-bio mama, but I'm scared what a newborn will do to us and the time together that we so cherish now. I do want a child but not to the detriment of my relationship.

Any advice? How can one prepare now, relationship-wise, for baby? What can I expect? What were some of the good things and bad things that happened after you had your child in your relationship?

TIA

[CynicalStar]

Good for you for trying to be as prepared as possible!

We were one of those couples who had a HARD time after the baby arrived. DP (non-birth mom) had a little mid-life crisis and started going out with her friends frequently. I was exhausted and cranky, had a difficult time breast-feeding, our baby didn't sleep more than 1.5 hours at a time until 11 months old, and I was reconciling my feelings on (what I now consider unecessary) c-section due to a failed induction.

All our issues made me start to resent our precious little baby boy. We knew we loved each other and were committed to having a healthy relationship, so we opted for some couples counseling when our DS was about 9 months old. DP settled down, I lightened up, and we're better than ever as we approach our DS's second birthday.

I would suggest meeting with a counselor prior to TTC. Discuss your fears/hopes/expectations of parenting with your partner and resolve any old, lingering issues so they don't get brought up when emotions and sleep-deprivation are high. Having an unbiased third person to mediate if emotions get the better of you is more helpful than I ever expected.

[chfriend]

We've been together a little over 13 years. Our older dd is 6, younger is 2.

Acceptance that your "job" is to support each other physically and emotionally for the first few years is what got us through. Stick close to your kids and each other. Let other people help if they offer.

Listen listen listen listen to each other.

Remember to prioritize sleep.

It's lots of fun and completely worth it!

[lemurmommies]

Our DS was born in December, and I am happy to say that it hasn't changed our relationship a bit. I know that he's only 5.5 months old and hasn't really been around for that long, but I am honestly pleasantly surprised by how little things have changed since he arrived.

We live in Canada and are legally married, so it is nice that our relationship is recognized as such. I think it goes a long way to making us feel more like a family. We know no other gay/lesbian parents around here, and hang out mostly with straight couples or singles. Everyone has been super supportive and great to us all.

I am DS's bio mama, and at first I was worried that DP would feel alienated from the baby and would feel like she isn't a real part of the family. I needn't have worried. She's so in love with him it's crazy. We have spoken about whether she would like to have DC #2, whether she would feel weird if I carried both our children. She says that she feels as much a mother to DS as if she had carried him, and is okay with me carrying #2 as well.

There are, of course, difficult moments. But we made it through the newborn stage and are already talking about #2, so I'm figuring all is well. Good luck in your attempt to start a family!

[Diane B]

Our daughter is 3. We were together for 12 years before we adopted, and had a REALLY hard time agreeing to become mommies (it took 10 years and some therapy). But things are pretty good. However, we do know four couples in our circle who have broken up with children under age 3 (two lesbian families, one gay male family, one straight family.)

Here's my off-the-top-of-my-head tips from my almost three years of experience:

1. Work as a team. Figure out how to collaborate whenever possible, using your strengths. You are in this together! If one of you is near the breaking point, the other must step in. Don't get caught up in things being "fair."

2. Support your partner's parenting. Never criticize or undermine in the moment - save the discussion and processing for later. Try to get on the same page about the important issues (discipline, diet, school) and let the rest go.

3. Try, try, try to have some time together. Babysitters are not evil; it's good for your child to have lots of caring adults in his/her life (or at least, we think so!) We have been fortunate enough to trade child care once a month with friends with a daughter the same age, and to have some adult friends who will babysit for free.

I have so deeply enjoyed watching my partner love and care for my child. She's a fabulous mom, and my respect and love for her has only grown. I love being a family, and I feel like there's enough love for all of us. It is difficult and stressful sometimes, but so are lots of things in life. This particular adventure has so many rewards along with it!

[BurtsGirl]

Originally Posted by CynicalStar

I would suggest meeting with a counselor prior to TTC. Discuss your fears/hopes/expectations of parenting with your partner and resolve any old, lingering issues so they don't get brought up when emotions and sleep-deprivation are high.

Will definately take this into consideration. DW and I are very open about our feelings now. We talk about children on a daily/weekly bases. But I will certainly be more careful when the sleep is at a minimum.

Originally Posted by chfriend

Acceptance that your "job" is to support each other physically and emotionally for the first few years is what got us through. Stick close to your kids and each other. Let other people help if they offer.

Listen listen listen listen to each other.

Remember to prioritize sleep.

It's lots of fun and completely worth it!

Thanks, CH, I'll definately try to do all these things! I love the idea of looking at it like it's your job to support each other.

Originally Posted by lemurmommies

Our DS was born in December, and I am happy to say that it hasn't changed our relationship a bit. I know that he's only 5.5 months old and hasn't really been around for that long, but I am honestly pleasantly surprised by how little things have changed since he arrived.

We live in Canada and are legally married, so it is nice that our relationship is recognized as such. I think it goes a long way to making us feel more like a family. We know no other gay/lesbian parents around here, and hang out mostly with straight couples or singles. Everyone has been super supportive and great to us all.

I am DS's bio mama, and at first I was worried that DP would feel alienated from the baby and would feel like she isn't a real part of the family. I needn't have worried. She's so in love with him it's crazy. We have spoken about whether she would like to have DC #2, whether she would feel weird if I carried both our children. She says that she feels as much a mother to DS as if she had carried him, and is okay with me carrying #2 as well.

There are, of course, difficult moments. But we made it through the newborn stage and are already talking about #2, so I'm figuring all is well. Good luck in your attempt to start a family!

Thank you, lem, this certainly made me feel a lot better. We've gone through everything legally possible in our state to bind our family, including changing my last name to her's. We already feel like a family and are very excited about sharing our world with a little one or two. And I agree to does go a long way to making one feel like their family is validated. It was also good to hear that your DP bonded with the child in the same way she would have otherwise. Thank you again for responding!

Originally Posted by Diane B

Our daughter is 3. We were together for 12 years before we adopted, and had a REALLY hard time agreeing to become mommies (it took 10 years and some therapy). But things are pretty good. However, we do know four couples in our circle who have broken up with children under age 3 (two lesbian families, one gay male family, one straight family.)

Here's my off-the-top-of-my-head tips from my almost three years of experience:

1. Work as a team. Figure out how to collaborate whenever possible, using your strengths. You are in this together! If one of you is near the breaking point, the other must step in. Don't get caught up in things being "fair."

2. Support your partner's parenting. Never criticize or undermine in the moment - save the discussion and processing for later. Try to get on the same page about the important issues (discipline, diet, school) and let the rest go.

3. Try, try, try to have some time together. Babysitters are not evil; it's good for your child to have lots of caring adults in his/her life (or at least, we think so!) We have been fortunate enough to trade child care once a month with friends with a daughter the same age, and to have some adult friends who will babysit for free.

I have so deeply enjoyed watching my partner love and care for my child. She's a fabulous mom, and my respect and love for her has only grown. I love being a family, and I feel like there's enough love for all of us. It is difficult and stressful sometimes, but so are lots of things in life. This particular adventure has so many rewards along with it!

Excellent advice, and I really appreciate it, Diane. I need to be writting all this good stuff down. I love watching DW with any children, makes me all mushy. I can't wait till it's our own.

Does anyone know if there are in books, articles, etc on this topic?

[lexbeach]

We had twins, so things were a little more intense for us than they are for most. We were 22 and 25 when our twins were born, and had been together for 4 years (with a 6-month break-up in the middle). The first year was GREAT. We loved being mamas to our babies. I loved seeing dw be such a great mama. We loved feeling like a family.

The second year was harder. We moved into a building that dw didn't want to live in. The twins took every ounce of my energy. When the boys were 18 months old, dw had an affair and we almost broke up. We worked through it, but things were rough for about 6 months, until we movd out of the building. We also started having a weekly kid-free date.

So, yes, it can be tough. Make sure you continue to pay attention to each other. And also, EXPECT that there will be hard times, and make a committment to stay together and work through it. I think the divorce rate for all couples (straight/gay) within the first two years of having a baby is HUGE. But I think people give up too easily.

Our twins are four now, and we have another baby who's six months old. Things are better than ever and our relationship feels really strong. We are both grateful for the hard times because we came out of it so much more committed to each other.

HTH!

Lex

[egarcia76]

Make a concerted effort for couple time. Schedule it if you must. I'm a spontaneous, free-wheeling type of person who hates planning, but I've come to the point where I've approached dp about the need for scheduling in some "us" time. We have undergone very stressful times, including little to no intimacy, since dd was born in July '05.

Recently, we've started trying to reconnect; we were dangerously close to giving up for a while.

Really, you can plan all you want, and it's good to enter your parenting journey w/a focus on relationship maintenance, BUT pg, childbirth & parenting may throw issues at you re: self-acceptance, body image, etc. Plus, you are sooooo sleep-deprived and busy in those first few months (years, really); everything is, rightfully, baby, baby, baby! But, you have to make time for yourselves & your intimacy.

Just my two cents.

[kands]

"Babyproofing your Marriage" is supposed to be a good one, I think.

[BurtsGirl]

Originally Posted by kands

My suggestion is to make absolutely 100% sure that you BOTH want kids and that neither of you has any doubts about that. Also check out the book And Baby Makes Three--I read the first three chapters and only wish DW and I had read it BEFORE our kids were born!

We've been talking about kids for 2 years and offically decided to have them nine months ago. We are both definately on board. We still have 6 more months to wait. I think we've talked about every issue related to having children that we could think of. Thank you so much for the book recommendation ...Off to Amazon.com::

[chfriend]

We have a really strong solid relationship....I felt like pressure to include "couple time" when we couldn't really manage it made things worse, not better. What worked for us was affirming for each other how much we still longed for it and wanted each other in a sexual way.

It's hard when they are born, then okay until they couldn't go to restaurants (18 months-2 years), then okay until the 2d one was born, then okay once the adjustment was made until the 2d one was 18 months-2.5 years....

A life long relationship is going to have periods when other things, especially young, dependent children are going to interrupt the "couple-ness" for a period of time. It can make things hotter and closer if you work it right....

But you can't fight the river and you just exhaust yourself trying. You start to appreciate the ten minutes the two of them are coloring in another room while you have a conversation about nothing in particular. Like just last night.

It helps a lot to really like each other.