Hitting (3 year old)

[ewp11100]

My soon to be 3yo has started hitting quite a lot. at 1st it was hitting us when he was misbehaving, when we would try to disaplain him. Then he started hitting if he didn't want to be taken away from a situation (not wanting to ledave the library). Now he is starting to hit friends and poking people and animals with sticks.

We have talked his ear off about how hitting hurt and how friends won't want to play with him if he hits them. The usual consiquence is he can not watch tv. If it gets to the point of tantruming and refusing to stop hitting he gets sent to his room to "calm down". Today we had to say good bye to our friends, friends don't like to play with people who hurt them. It was time for them to leave anyway, but he didn't know that. And i know that hunger and sleepyness can cause misbehavior but today definatly wasn't any of those factors I know he's still transtioning to having a silbing but hitting is unexceptable. We don't watch violent tv, in fact untill dd came alone he hardly ever watch any. We don't spank. I tell him "I don't hit you, you don't hit me"..... I don't know what else to do

[look11]

I'm in the same boat with my 4 year old daughter, who's pretty much always been an angel. I'm just floored at her sudden defiance and physical lashing out. I wish I could help you out, but I'm trying the same things you are. I'm at a loss.

[moma justice]

it almost makes me smile to say ME TOO!
not b/c i at all like my dd's violent behavior (infact it upsets me very much) but it FEELS SO GOOD TO NOT FEEL ALONE!

anyway, we have been trying some new things
our old approach was:
first time verbal warning
second time time out for 5 minutes in the bathroom (so she can pee or wash or face to calm down)
third time 10 minute time out and so on

that is when i was looking at the behavior as a bad habbit/bad CHOICE on her part.

however after a lot of soul searching (and crying on my part)
i have come to the conclusion that she is trying to tell me something about her feelings/needs/fears when she acts out like that and by demading that she stop i am ignoring her cry for help.

also that it is not a choice for her to hit as much as i thought it was (like for ME to hit someone would be a choice)
their rational brains are still so underdeveloped at 3-4 and their desire for capablity and independence is much higher than their abilty to be independent and capable

plus, since they understan a little bit more about the world (good and bad) they also have alot of fear/saddness to work thru and communicate to you.
and when they communicate it with you they need to be met with a listening ear, a compassionate heart, and loving arms...

i used to think that by doing that i was CONDONING her violence, and allwoing her to become some kind of brat. (that was my fear)

however, you CAN use their violence as a chance to open up a dialog about their feelings etc WITHOUT condoning their violent acts.

so tonight when she went to hit me a grabbed both her hands in mid air and held them there and the FIRST thing i did was say:
what are you feeling?
she went to hit again, again i stopped her and said:
that is hitting, we do not hit people?
are you feeling mad?
she then bursts into tears and talks about being mad about something that happened hours ago when she did not get her way.

before i REexplained to her about why she did not get her way...i just listened!
then i validated what i heard:
that is really sad, it is so hard to not get your way, that made your feel angry etc

then i held her and rocked her and she was fine....

sometimes, i have gone to another room with her to do this she need to be seperated from others etc...

but i can tell you that the compassionate listener aproach has lowered her out burts all ready and deepened the quality of our communication about all things, not just outburts.

so
that is my exp!

[A Boy's Mama]

I do time outs for hitting, kicking, anything that's done to intentionally hurt someone else. No warnings, he just goes straight into time out. I sit him down in a chair in the dining room, calmly explain that he is not allowed to (hit, kick, whatever) and that since he did (hit, kick, whatever) he has to sit in time out for 3 minutes. I set the kitchen timer and walk away. When the timer goes off, I ask him if he understands why he was in time out and/or re-explain what happened and how we can do better next time. Hugs, kisses and then we go on with our day.

I don't do timeouts all the time, just for the big issues like hurting someone else.

[AbbieB]

I totally agree with moma justice . What wonderful insight. I've been coming to this understanding but had not yet had concrete thoughts on it until I read her post.

My DD definitely has been trying out the hitting momma stuff and it started around her 3rd birthday. My pregnancy has just aggravated it.

I have noticed it tends to happen when she is wanting more attention from me but for what ever reason I am not giving it to her.

One of my approaches to handling this has been to change what we are doing, usually to give her more direct attention. Or I put myself in time out, usually in the bathroom or bedroom with the door locked and I ask DH to step in. This one works well because it gives me the space I am really needing (the whole reason she's not getting all the attention she's needing) and she gets DH's undivided attention for 15 to 30 minutes.

In order for this to work out I did have to talk to DH about not reflecting my aggravation with her. At first he was stepping in as the disciplining protector of Mommy, but that was not helping anyone. Momma Bear would kick in and I would end up ignoring my need for a break in order to keep DD and DH from having an ugly scene. But once we talked and I explained that DD was really needing a compassionate parent's attention he started just redirecting her and I didn't have to lock a door to hide.