post partum issue....

[happyhippimama]

Ok, so I'm not pregnant anymore, but really don't know where else to post. I started to post in Life with a Babe, but it felt very NON-personal for such a personal topic. So thought I'd post here if that's ok.

So I am 3.5 weeks postpartum. And VERY busy. I usually don't make it to bed before midnight and am up at 6:30 to take DH to work and then my 2.5 year old is up and the day has started with a bang.

Well, my issue is actually sexual. I have really no desire to dtd. We did the night before I had the baby. But DH has made comments and advances everyday for the past *2* weeks. I really am just tired and unmotivated to dtd. I have tried telling him that he needs to be patient, but his feelings are hurt instead. I've been nice about it too. So I shouldn't feel bad. But I do. Am I being unreasonable? He told me today that he's just going to sleep on the couch from now on because he doesn't think that it's fair that he should have to "control" himself. I mean, he sounds a bit nutty, huh. I just told him he's being rediculous. He says he just wants some attention. Don't get me wrong, we do have great chemistry. Always have. But at this moment, I just do not feel "in the mood."

Any advice, or understanding out there?

[MommyTeesa]

Wow. I have NO desire to even kiss dh. He knows it and refrains from even broaching the topic in any form. I think the lack of desire is totally normal with bfing and how fatigued you are with all you have to do.

[Synchro246]

Do you have energy for non-sexual affection toward him? What are your evenings like together? If he gets loving in another way he might not feel so needy for sex. I've heard it said that men need sex to feel loved, however I think that sex just happens to be the easiest way for them to feel loved and that the need for feeling loved can come from other forms of interaction.

The other day when my DH got home he was laying in our bed as I nursed the new one (I have a 2.5yo nursing too: ) and I just took the moment to pet his hair. I could tell he really liked it and it's not something I would normally do, but it made him feel good.

You said you are busy. What are you busy with? What keeps you up past midnight? Is it anything that might be able to be put on a back burner for a little while longer?

[FuzzyOne]

no - i don't think you are being unreasonable for not wanting to have sex yet. i'm waiting six weeks (course that's what the doctor said and i had to have a c-section). but really, i am tired right now taking care of a newborn and she nurses very very frequently - i can't imagine wanting to dtd at this present time. dh understands that, although i can tell it is difficult for him.

i am not sure if you had a homebirth or what, but it is fairly common for doctors and midwives (within a hospital system) to tell you to wait six weeks before engaging in sexual activity - can you tell dh that? it might make it easier for him to understand that it isn't personal, but in your best interest.

[adoremybabe]

I'm sorry but he has to wait until you are ready. If my DH acted like that I'd tell him to go fly a kite!

[koru]

we had this issue after dd1 was born and, besides the wonderful suggestions from pp's, all i can offer is....do whatever it takes to avoid this becoming a huge issue! my husband's pressuring led me to become resentful & it's been an up & down spiral ever since (that was 4 years ago). i know there are mixed opinions on the idea of "obligatory sex" but it didn't work for me. it actually led me to become more resentful because i usually gave in when his pouting became unbearable and it was no longer something i enjoyed....it was just a tool to quiet him. it got so bad at one point that i was afraid to show him any affection because even a small kiss led him to want sex so i avoided any contact. (not a good idea on my part but we were both desperate for something we weren't getting....him - sex and me - space!).

just don't let it get too far. how? talk about it openly & honestly. be affectionate. reassure, reassure, reassure him!!! hopefully it won't last very long.

[jessma]

I too had a c-section, and have been told I have to wait the six weeks to avoid rupturing anything - at the very least I have to wait 4. That's been a pretty good incentive for DH to keep things on hold. DS is only 10 days old. DH has been raring to go, and I've been trying really hard to be affectionate without ramping him up. Thankfully, he is willing to laugh at himself. Maybe if you try making a joke about it, he will lighten up but not feel hurt or pushed away. Seems to be working for me.

[Mindy70]

At 3.5 weeks your DH has been pressuring you for two weeks? : Personally, I think he is nuts and being selfish. Give yourself time to recover from birth! That said, are there any *other* things you could do for him? Though if you were not up to that, I'd understand 100%.

I'd just tell him the doctor or midwife said no sex till 6 weeks, and that is that. The others made good suggestions about being affectionate with him, but I'd stay firm. 3.5 weeks is nothing!

[BrooklynDoula]

I am odd in that I wanted sex starting at about 5 days and have to wait for the stitches to heal, but with ds1 we waited about 6 weeks I recall. We have actually had sex twice since Clay was born (11 days) but just not vaginal since I need to wait so I don't damage myself.

You dh needs to take care of business in the shower imo That is what my dh does. Try some affection (although honestly HE should be giving you affection, like foot rubs while you nurse) and if posssible, perhaps find 20 minutes for some non-vaginal sex to make him feel better in the world (as long as you can get enough interest for it not be be icky).

s

[dancebaraka]

Originally Posted by adoremybabe

I'm sorry but he has to wait until you are ready. If my DH acted like that I'd tell him to go fly a kite!

[crysmomofthree]

Originally Posted by happyhippimama

Ok, so I'm not pregnant anymore, but really don't know where else to post. I started to post in Life with a Babe, but it felt very NON-personal for such a personal topic. So thought I'd post here if that's ok.

So I am 3.5 weeks postpartum. And VERY busy. I usually don't make it to bed before midnight and am up at 6:30 to take DH to work and then my 2.5 year old is up and the day has started with a bang.

Well, my issue is actually sexual. I have really no desire to dtd. We did the night before I had the baby. But DH has made comments and advances everyday for the past *2* weeks. I really am just tired and unmotivated to dtd. I have tried telling him that he needs to be patient, but his feelings are hurt instead. I've been nice about it too. So I shouldn't feel bad. But I do. Am I being unreasonable? He told me today that he's just going to sleep on the couch from now on because he doesn't think that it's fair that he should have to "control" himself. I mean, he sounds a bit nutty, huh. I just told him he's being rediculous. He says he just wants some attention. Don't get me wrong, we do have great chemistry. Always have. But at this moment, I just do not feel "in the mood."

Any advice, or understanding out there?

I hear you, my dh has been trying to lure me to have sex with him since I came home from the hospital and he started intensifying his efforts this last week.

[christyc]

Originally Posted by Mindy70

At 3.5 weeks your DH has been pressuring you for two weeks? : Personally, I think he is nuts and being selfish.

:

[kdtmom2be]

Originally Posted by Mindy70

At 3.5 weeks your DH has been pressuring you for two weeks? : Personally, I think he is nuts and being selfish. Give yourself time to recover from birth! That said, are there any *other* things you could do for him? Though if you were not up to that, I'd understand 100%.

Yes, hate to say it, but can you/will you not even indulge him with some oral sex? That way he gets what he wants and you get what you want. It takes WAY less time than regular intercourse, is easier on you physically and will keep him happy and off your back.

I DO think it's a little out of line for him to be pressuring you for sex though, especially starting 10 days after squeezing a baby out!

[darsmama]

Give him head & try not to bite him too hard in the process.

[happyhippimama]

I finally gave in to him. He's been begging ang telling me he misses being close. And I told him he was limited on time, kwim. But it was ok. It completely made his week, as he put it. Men.....: He told me later that he really needed that connection after the baby was born and most of my attention goes to not only the baby, but my other kids.

[Mindy70]

I think I am going to do the same thing, 'cause DH is getting grumpy and lonely. But just orally, lol.

[happyhippimama]

Originally Posted by Mindy70

I think I am going to do the same thing, 'cause DH is getting grumpy and lonely. But just orally, lol.